Christmas Break

Well I've sat in front of my computer several times over Christmas, even got a few posts started but it has become apparent I won't be able to get much done during these days. Kiddos, Christmas, chores and shoveling all having separate plans for me then I do :p

So a quick post to say I'll be back in the new year for certain, and I will try to get a few posts done between now and then.

Take care and Merry Christmas

Take care of yourselves

Rebecca

Killing Us Softly

I'm about to write on a topic that I've been meaning to for a while but I wasn't sure how I would approach it. Before I go on here, I want to give a bit of a warning, or really ask some forgiveness. I'm going to set aside most of my empathy and understanding of other people's problems, and even get into a little of "my life sucks more then yours." but it's because of the topic.

The second thing Red Durkin talked about when I seen her in November was a short story about a few friends of hers. It was actually a little speech she gave before going on with her comedy routine. It was a little bit ago so I don't remember the details, but I do remember the important parts.

She was telling us of two friends of hers.The first was a MtF transsexual, I can't remember specifically but she had a good job, and plenty of friends and support going through her transition. Everyone seemed to think she was a good person, and I think I remember Red saying she was well liked.

She walked in front of a subway car one day.

The other person she was talking about was also in Red's circle of friends, also MtF. Someone who knew this first girl for not very long, only a few weeks if I recall. She was devastated when she heard, to the point of uncontrollable crying that she couldn't talk. When she finally could she asked Red,

"How many times have you had to do this?"

Her question dripping with implications. "How often do you watch a friend end their own life over this?"

This is our reality. There is one statistic I made a point to remember out of all of the random trans-stats I've seen. That is, in Canada, transgender people have a 50% suicide rate. To put that in perspective Canada's national average is less then 1%.

Think about that. If you know two transgender people, statistically, one of them will commit suicide. That is staggering. If there is anything that expresses how difficult a transgender person's life is, it is these two stats next to each other

I have thought of, and attempted suicide that often in my life it doesn't even bother me anymore. Thinking of suicide has become second nature. Look at what suicide is though, it is the ultimate "run away from your problems" sort of answer. 

Don't think that takes any measure of weakness at all, just because you (dear cis) think suicide is such a distant solution for you. Take myself for example. I am a pit bull, really. If you get me started, push me to defend myself or fix an "impossible" problem, or whatnot, I'll take you/it on without hesitation. And trust me, you best be prepared, and that problem is getting fixed, no questions.

When it came to myself though, you have to understand the unbelievable weight of impossible that is in my life. I hazard to say this gets worse and worse the more a transgender waits in life to transition, like myself. You have to understand how coming out, starting your path to recovery, feels about as comforting as killing yourself before you actually do it. It's a condition of the human mind, anything you haven't done before comes with it's measure of anxiety. Coming out is already the scariest thing on your mind, never mind you haven't done it before. You inevitably think of every worse possible outcome.

One of those worst outcomes is ending up totally alone. I was lucky, literally everyone in my life has accepted me. Most people aren't that lucky, you hear of many horror stories of teens being kicked out of their houses, adults loosing careers, husbands, wives. There was no good reason at any point in my life to think I wouldn't somehow end up in the same position, one thing I've learned is you never know people's reaction to this, even if you know them well.

What would you chose? Alive, but no friends, no family, literally no one in your life to talk to or be around, totally alone. On top of being totally alone, it's a result of this secret that even you have no idea about. Everyone knows this about you now and have shunned you away. Everyone knows the real you, and no one wants anything to do with you.

Or dead?

Not so much of an easy choice.

Your perspective doesn't give you much room to work with either. For me, I hated myself. This "problem" we have doesn't come with a set of rules, I just knew *I* wasn't "right", and I hated myself for it. Nothing about me seemed the way it should be. Every time I'd say or do something stupid, or something that made a friend think a little bit less of me, it would tear away at me. I wouldn't be that way if I wasn't so "fucked up". It affected every single part of my life.

Nothing I did would make it go away either, nothing. For a problem solver like me, that is brutishly hard. It wasn't even a problem I could think of something to try, maybe get a little results, and try again. I stone-walled myself every time. If I thought of anything, like the pathetic attempts I did do, it solved nothing, nada. In fact it always made things worse. I couldn't shove this away and not think about it, it plagued my life. I couldn't "squeeze" out a bit of comfort, like wearing panties, because when I did it would snowball to an uncontrollable place that I would have to turn away from.

I had no where left to go. Suicide was the only option that didn't leave me vulnerable... ironic, no?

Unless you've been suicidal I don't think I can explain how insurmountable all of these questions with no solutions are. It isn't exactly an "easy way out" sort of decision. For me it was one of two answers left for this impossible question. It was the easier way of the two, and quite honestly, only because it was the more sure answer I had. 

How did I not chose suicide? Honestly, I can't say I didn't. I wanted to, many times. I have... too many times. Funny enough, the HRT changing my skin has resurfaced a few attempts around my wrists. While I'm being honest, I can't say I still don't. I have far less days now with it coming to mind, but it still does. It's hard for people to see the daily challenges I face because of being transgender. I don't even have to get out of bed and my mind can find enough things to start feeling like I'm trying to move a mountain. 

If you can somehow manage to add up all of the pain I have written about so far, it is that plus more that makes a transgender life incredibly hard. There's another stat I remember, that is over 80% of transgender people have attempted suicide. That is mind blowing, and I know it's true. That means practically every transgender person you've spoken with has attempted to end their life at some point. I know every trans I have spoken with has.

This isn't the result of some massive pity party either. In fact, most people who commit or attempt suicide don't want your pity at all, otherwise they would have asked for it and not be suicidal right now. For me, it's a result of hating everything about me and having everyone around me, knowingly or unknowingly, despise the side of me that I feel most comfortable in. For me the idea of wanting to wear women's clothing, and be shaped like a woman is as simple as wanting to paint my room a different color. It's that simple for every other women, isn't it? But it has been made into my biggest issue I've had to deal with in life. Unless you've been there, I can't describe the frustration of being violently acted against just because of the colors, or materials I like close to my skin.

I've been sitting here writing this waiting for some sort of "ah ha!" moment to happen but then I realized, there isn't one. There is no "ah ha!" to explain this. For one, the road to and reasons for someone being suicidal are completely dependent on the person. Obviously there are some common grounds here, otherwise their wouldn't be so many of us thinking the same way, but how we all got here is probably different.

Besides that, how do you explain consciously, comfortably choosing to end your own life to someone who never has? How do you explain that because of society, because of things done and said by everyone closest to you from your parents to your best friend to your teachers to close and distant relatives, and even worse yourself, that you feel like ending your life is the better, more practical, most helpful to others decision you could make? I guess I can't. I guess you'd have to live my life and feel all the pain I've been put through, and most everyone like me has faced. You'd have to feel the pressure to be the complete opposite of who you are to your very core, and the dysphoria that creates, in a very real sense. Your mind just will not be content.

Like I said, this is the reality for many, should I say most, transgender people. I find we all put on a great facade. Every trans person I've talked to seems very happy with themselves now. They are those that have come out though, even if I happen to be the only one who knows (not true for anyone as far as I know) that person has still told someone, and that's taking them out of the dark at least that little. You can tell how hurt they haven been in the past by how easily they all speak of it. 

"Oh my father hates me, but whatever."

"I lost my wife but I'm better off now anyway."

"Yeah I lost my job but it gave me more options in the long run."

"Finding a relationship that I can tell will probably never happen, but I can be happy anyway."

Each of those are statements I've heard and they were spoken of and passed over as simply as dinner plans last weekend. Why? Because every single one of them has dealt with that or more, especially as those standing there as, at least, semi-confident women and men.

 It's the ones that haven't that scare me, if half of the trans-people that have come out will kill themselves what are the chances for the ones that haven't? 

To connect this to the real world, that's why we can't have people in high profile places saying bigoted opinions about things they clearly have no experience with. These people are literally, as if gun in hand, killing people around us. How many of those 50% seen one too many religious zealots telling them they will go to hell and believed it? How many watched some TV show where the most popular of the cast spews some LGBT hatred and their popularity saved them, but kills the gender confused?

If there is anything I can inspire among my readers it is this; The lives of the LGBT community have been difficult. Speaking for transgender people specifically, our lives are nightmares. It's only when finally transitioning do we start to feel some calm, and that only happens if we have support from people around us. Much of our pain is feeling we will never be accepted, so that is the most important thing to many of us. Another good bit of it is never having a sense of feeling comfortable, never, with no sense of accomplishment. This thing you want to do the most is what you've been not doing for your entire life. It leaves you feeling like nothing will ever work out for you, it'll never be "ok". 

I really should stop here, obviously this is something I can talk about for a long time. I told my partner what I was writing about and she jokingly requested I say, "P.S. I'm not going to kill myself."

So well, I'll give the honest version. I don't think I'll kill myself. I often wonder if I'll be that woman Red talked about. Everything seeming to be going fine, but one day I can't handle any more. I guess I'm, in a sense, constantly on vigil about it and perhaps that will save me. I don't want to anymore, I want to keep transitioning and see how this turns out.

Quack

I almost conceded to the urge to write more aggressively, more accusatory about this whole Duck Dynasty business going on right now. I apparently can't resist the urge to say something about it, probably because it is freaking everywhere. I think, though, I'm going to take a slightly different approach.

I didn't watch it and don't intend too, but I have read several articles about it. The reason I don't intend too is simply because I don't watch that show or shows like it, not my cup of tea, and I'm not going to just for this. That being said, the issue now isn't really what he said it has turned into a freedom of speech debate, so that's what I'm going to talk about more.

Where do we draw the line, or does there even need to be one? Well, that's sorta tricksy isn't it? In theory, I would suggest no line what-so-ever, however in practice the line is decided by people.  What should vs. What is. Which one is "correct"?

I agree with the ideologists, there should be no line. Human beings should be able to do and say what they please. I am actually extremist in this view. I think people should be able to do anything, that isn't just limited to your voice and sexual/gender orientation, I include your political and social views. Everything in your lifestyle, what you wear, your education or lack of, if you want to do drugs, your job, financial situation, the words you chose to speak with, who you have sex with, "how" you have sex, hobbies.... whatever, really.

However, I actually completely agree with the realists. This isn't how the world works, it really doesn't seem how human beings are programmed. Laws and regulations are all made up, they are fiction. People know that but don't seem to "get it", *We* decided what is ok for people to do and say, public consensus decides how society turns, it doesn't have to be on a ballot to be that way. When society, I guess, "notices" something just feels morally wrong the tides of change are always inevitable. They may take a long time, many of our moral shifts we look back on while slapping ourselves in the face thinking "How the hell COULD we....?", but they happen.

Our society is on a gender/sexuality moral shift right now, and beware if you are on the opposing side. I promise you there will be a time when we look back and the LGBT discrimination and slap ourselves in the face. Right now, people need their face slapped for them, just like the beginning of any of these moral shifts.

You simply can't get away with being hard on someones gender, or sexual preference these days like you could before, people don't like it. As more of the community come out and more of the "normal" (that's a term I use loosely) world sees we are "normal" too we increase our influence exponentially That's not to say our job is done, and it's remarks like Mr. Duck's that remind us we aren't finished.

That's the problem, you remind us. You remind us of a time where views like that were wide spread, and it was dangerous to be LGBTQ (I don't think I know them all, sorry...) As it is, people are killed simply for not being straight-cis. Today, right now while you're reading this post of mine someone is being violently killed because they don't have sex like "you" do. Let that sink in a bit before you go on....

Do I really need to say "That's not ok."?

Freedom of speech is a very powerful thing, I guess we have too much of it so we forget. Like all powerful things it comes with responsibility. You have the power to say what you want, and what you say can influence things in ways unknown to you. You have the responsibility to deal with the consequences of your words, otherwise you are not ready to carry such power and society will be certain to let you know.

"Freedom of speech" doesn't equal "Freedom from responsibility."

So This Is Christmas

I had a pretty fun day yesterday. I was out shopping for christmas with my parents and came home to putting up the tree with my partner and kiddo. Good times. :)

Ahhh, Christmas, oh how you've punctuated my life. I vaguely remember young christmas, visiting both grandparents, cousins, aunts and uncles. Putting up the tree with my parents in that little apartment.

The couch I found Six-Shot hidden in, a transformer I wanted.

Many of those years had christmas's that made me very happy, like it's supposed to be. It was a time of nothing but pure joy, accompanied with plenty of snow to make forts in and hot chocolate to warm up with.

My teen years though, those changed everything. Christmas always felt like a time for family for me. It was the only time I seen all of them together, and honestly one of only a few times a year that I seen some of them at all. I always felt like christmas was a time of setting aside differences, forgetting about what's going on in your life and the world outside those doors, and getting in touch with your family and love ones. That feeling, ultimately made me feel so sad, so alone, completely lost and by myself. I felt christmas should be like that, but it didn't matter, I was forever shut away from everyone and I couldn't be myself and comfortable ever. Christmas became depressing for me. It didn't matter how well I forgot about my "problem" that year when christmas and new year's came around I was always reminded of how alone I was. I used to sit with my family and mostly listen because I found when I spoke I caused trouble. So I listened, just to feel something from everyone. I tried to revel in their passion for each other, since I wasn't really involved myself. After listening and not getting involved started to overwhelm me with reminders of WHY I'm just sitting listening, I always made my presence scarce. I imagine my actions made my family think I felt the complete opposite toward them that I did. I just felt the way they were thinking about myself, not them.

I can't express how strong the feeling of being alone was during this time of year, I really can't. The days between christmas eve to new years day was when I attempted suicide most often, maybe that'll help explain.

Wow some of those memories are hard...

So back to yesterday before this turns too depressing. Yesterday I was cooking a roast chicken dinner, working on the gravy while my partner and kiddo were decorating the tree. The sense of family started to creep into me, that feeling of christmas I used to have 25 years ago. I was a little distracted with dinner but I noticed the feeling and smiled. Dinner was ready before the tree was done, so we ate first and went back to the decorating.

When we started again I was doing some decorating as well. After a bit though, I sat down with my tea and watched the other two. Gradually that feeling of this being "real" started to well up inside me. I started associating the kiddo with me when I was younger and myself and partner as my parents. I noticed I was making memories (I actually noticed memories being made, yes, I'm fucked), and connecting everything happening. I realized I was living right *now* and I haven't felt that way since before my teens. I didn't feel alone in the slightest, I just came from my parents, and I was sitting with my family.

I realized I had felt this way for a fair bit during the last while, weeks or days. Feeling it in a setting I can compare it to from my past made me that much more aware of it, and aware of how different I feel now.

I started to cry. I was so overwhelmed I literally couldn't handle it. I was sitting, thinking, feeling, and crying and my partner asked me what was wrong. I couldn't talk so I said I'll explain later but she made me think even more, even deeper. I actually had to stop, I stood up and walked around the kitchen and tried to focus on something else. That feeling was as totally uncontrollable as terror except it felt so good all I could do was cry. Honestly the only reason I didn't ride the wave, so to speak, was because of the kiddo being there, I didn't really want to be an emotional mess in front of her.

The calm I bring to familiar situations now is starting to hit me more often then before. That was one of the biggest reasons that feeling was so hard to control yesterday. Besides how over whelming it was I also started to feel how calm, and content I felt. How simply at ease I was/am and how that has never been a feeling I brought to these situations before. Essentially I felt incredible about feeling incredible... it was quite a snowball effect. It's a feeling I trigger often, I notice how good I feel doing anything, the mundane to the complex. I find myself singing and dancing, while cleaning, or cooking. Walking around the mall... ok, ok..  bouncing around the mall, lip syncing every song I hear while out, sometimes while being very animated.

I'd have the desire, the ache, to do many of those things but never did because that's "not what guys do". Now I do something like that and I catch myself in this conversation..

"Psst, Becky. Whatcha doing girl?"

"I'm singing and dancing. :)"

"You're in Walmart, btw."

(look around) "I am aren't I? Hmm, well I probably look cute right?"

"Yeah, probably. :)"

"On with the dancing then!"

A situation that never would have had the chance to happen a few months ago.

God I love being a girl.

Hair! Hair!

I finally done it! I have gotten my hair cut and I no longer wear my wig when I go out. I'm sure I'll have a few bad days that I'll put it on, but the plan now is not again. It's like going out for the first time again. I was in the mall yesterday and it was of course, very busy. I almost got to the point that I just ran out to the car, I felt so self conscious. Besides my wig being beautiful it also hid a lot of my face. I feel so exposed when I go out now, it's almost impossible to not think about it. We were in one tiny little store about the size of my bathroom and there was like 15 people in it, I felt like a caged zoo animal. God just thinking back to it makes me angry that I didn't get out faster, or that the people I was with didn't seem to mind I was having a panic attack.

Anyway, I like my hair now but I don't. It's my hair at least and not a wig, but it only looks good to me for about thirty seconds then all I do is worry. Once it starts to grow out more I think I'll start to feel better about it.

That being said, I'm about to put a picture up here :p

When I'm over feeling like I'm sticking out like a sore thumb I do calm down some. I do look good enough for me, it's just barely good enough so I'm not ecstatic about it. This morning for example. I got up this morning and my hair still more or less looked the same. My beard shadow had started to grow in from the night but other then that my whole body looked feminine, even my head and hair. I've been in such a calm relaxed mood this morning I honestly don't know what to chalk it up to. It could have been my hair, and how I looked this morning, but that seems like an awfully strong impact from just a haircut.

But really, what the hell do I know?

I had been looking forward to not having to wear my wig for a while, but I did get kinda attached to it. I felt safe in it, but ultimately fake. There is a part of me that is completely content with what I'm "working with" now, it's just taking cover behind some fear for a while until it's safe to come out. It does make it seem a little more real, a little less like playing "dress-up".

Anyway, I just finished a post and went to this one, so I'm done now, hehe. Here's the pic. Excuse the laundry in the background, lol.

Encouraging Extinction

Sorry I haven't been keeping up with this as much as I used to, things just have been conspiring against me getting some writing done.

When I seen Red Durkin a few weeks ago there was something she said that had stuck with me, well actually two things, this is one of them.

I don't remember everything leading up to this mini punchline, or really the whole joke. All I remember is one line she said, something like "Then you're left in the uncomfortable position of consoling someone over how they feel about you." I barely thought of it before hearing this, but she had just put a name on something I had felt many, many times. And while I understand, "uncomfortable" is an understatement.

There are so many factors here, I will try to include them all. To start, so often, almost daily, I find myself trying to make someone feel better over how they are feeling toward me. Not "enemies" who think TG's just need a good dose of the bible or something, I mean friends who are crying over what is going on in my life now.

Their crying is selfish, I'm sorry, but it is. I'm not calling anyone out for it, I'm just calling it what it is. I guess for a moment they see past the person in front of them and only think of the person they thought they knew. It is my biggest, most frequent, "damage control" I have to do with coming out. People miss the old me, will I still be who they know? How much of me will change? How much of me was a lie? For many of them, time hasn't fixed much yet, it has just given them the ability to be specific about the things they miss.

Sometimes when I'm trying to comfort people about the things they miss I can offer an alternative, but more often then not all I can offer is "You're right, that isn't the same any more, I'm sorry." I understand where they are coming from, I really do. To me this has been on my mind all of my life, to them they just had to start thinking about it now. It is something huge, it's strange actually. When you try to visualize it, it kinda seems like "meh, not so bad." but going through it, having it in your life seems to be something that grips the brain a little. I doubt there has been a single friend of mine that hasn't spent at least one night "wondering".

The more I think about it actually, while I understand, I have no idea what they could be thinking or feeling about it. If a friend were to tell me they are Trans my response would be "omg me too!" So I guess that puts me at a little disadvantage here.

That being said, What does the cis mind think of when it is made to think about this? Anyway..

It hurts. Every time I get approached like this I feel awful. I feel bad enough that I'm "taking" someone away from you. I feel bad enough that I've been lying to literally everyone in my life until now. When I`m faced with people feeling loss over who I was the emotions playing are not fair.

Before coming out this was actually one of my biggest fears. How people would react to seeing the old me go away. I don`t think people understood all of the implied changes. There is something I wrote in my diary a little over a month after coming out that I`m going to share here..

"... I told my partner and family that I'm still 'me' just now I'll look rather different. Professionals say the same... are they helping my lie or believe it as much as everyone else?"

I knew then what people were going to go through even if they didn't, and I tried (and still try) to peel back the layers as slowly as possibly so I don't startle anyone. I can't stop the changes of course, I'm just trying to stem them a little. Even so, people occasionally realize "hey this isn't the same any more." and they feel that loss.

How does it make me feel? Well, like I said I understand, I really do. A lot of my conscious thought is put toward helping others get through my transition. It seems like part of my responsibility while I transition, to help the people close to me understand and go through it with me with a better outlook. I'm sorry I'm putting you through this, I really am.

But..

I hate it. I absolutely hate it. I feel like I'm put in the position of defending a person that is a shadow, and conceding over the person that is actually really me. It makes me feel like this person that is right in front of you isn't as important as the person you thought you knew. It's a harsh reminder of having to hide my real self, and almost makes me wonder how much you wish I could "go back". People seem to look at it like I'm going from one person to a completely different one. What I feel like is I'm evolving from one to another. Perhaps a subtle but significant difference. I know where I started, and I have no idea where I'm going but the journey is the most exciting thing I've ever experienced in my life and I SO desperately want everyone around me to share that excitement.

Many of them can't though, I guess they are still caught up in however they feel like this effects them. This is the part that really makes my head steam. Like I said, the feelings people have are selfish. People only feel the loss related to how it effects them, if not they need to smarten up a little more even. If people are worried about how this effects me, stop worrying! I *want* this with all my being, the things I've already given up, the things I may still give up makes it clear to me how important and necessary this is for me. Believe me when I say, you, out there, are the only people concerned about the person I was. Me, in here, I couldn't possibly care less. I'm not sure if people really see that when they look at me, or really understand that when they talk to me. This transition is hard, yes, an understatement even. My day to day life is pretty close to total chaos, especially emotionally, which effects intellectually. Would I stop? No. Do I have any regrets? No. Do I miss my previous life?

What life?

If I don't, and I'm the one who really has to live with me all the time, then what is everyone so upset about? It's the one thing friends in the trans community just "get". No one I've spoken with has any concerns over who I was or may have been. When we are all talking, I (and I would assume many others) are hearing your past and placing the person we are talking to in it, not the person everyone else knew before. There is hardly a whisper of a feeling of loss for the past. Many, myself included, have a "good riddance" attitude toward it. Not having to defend or live up to any sort of past is one of the most relaxing new feelings I have, and comes almost exclusively from the trans community. It's an odd feeling "not having" a past, but the equally odd outcome of that is it frees up my mind exponentially to become the woman I am.

So I guess that is the duality of it. I feel like I was born 6 months ago. I happened to be born a reasonably intelligent, mature 35 year old, so that gives me a lot more tools to work with then the average infant but life began for me half a year ago. I can't help but admire the coincidence of my telling my parents on my birthday. Because I feel that way though, I have no past to be bothered with, but also my past has a thin thread connecting it to the people in my life. That's why one of the first things I wanted to do was take the people that are connected to my past and reconnect them to my present.

I wish everyone could see what I'm trying to say here and take it to heart, but I know how that is probably not possible. I'm also not insensitive, I'm not here telling everyone they are making my life that much more miserable either.... "teaspoon-ocean" effect there. A part of me wishes I could feel upset over my past just so I can understand where they are coming from more, but it's just not in me. I look back and want to throw up. Seriously, I can't express how unappealing, practically offensive, my past is to me. It just about blows my mind when I see someone feeling loss over...

...him

Harmonious

I've been meaning to have something a little more on the lighter side to write about. I guess the negative emotions and problems are easier to remember because every time I try to write a post like this I come up with nothing.

Thankfully for my writing habit, something happened yesterday for me to write about and it helped me remember a few other things.

I was at a mall yesterday, around opening time and it wasn't super crowded like it normally is around this time of year. I was just out for exposure, it's not like I have money to spend.

Anyway, after I was done with my walking around and drooling all over the floor of Victoria's Secret I picked up a tea and sat down to wait for the bus. I was warm so I took off my jacket while I was sitting there. A bit before I got up to leave a guy sat down half close to me, I didn't pay him much notice and it didn't look like he payed much to me. I got up to leave and went to the washroom, this guy was on the way there so I passed by him. As I got closer I could see he was looking at me while on the phone, turning his head as I walked by. When I passed him I heard a quiet "wow" followed by "No man, there was..." and I didn't hear the rest as I kept going...

FUCK YEAH!

Hahaha

I see the occasional person checking me out, or kinda obviously seeing me as attractive, but really it's always in my own head, me assuming I know what they are thinking. I suppose I COULD be wrong, he may have noticed Tim Horton's has a new doughnut and got all excited, but he wasn't looking at Timmy's. So that was the first time I "knew" someone found me attractive, not just attractive but 'wow'. It really made me feel like a million bucks, it still does. I'm about to take women's rights back a century or so, but it really made me feel like a woman to be so obviously checked out and desired, to the point of being vocal.

So here are a few, rather random, things that make me feel feminine, or more content in my body/life. Many of these things make me feel that way every time, not just a quick feeling of femininity then back to blah. Anyway, again in no particular order..

Walking in high heels. I find my high heel shoes actually very comfortable. Walking in them just screams feminine to me, the way my legs look and move, the way my hips and ass swing back and forth. Really just standing there gives me the same feeling, having high heels on just does it for me, apparently.

Kinda related to that is one pair of jeans I have. They fit so well, and often when I'm walking around I feel them hugging my hips as I move, and it gives me that feeling. I usually think to myself, "that's how a woman feels or looks." I have no idea if that's right, but it puts a wide silly grin on my face for sure. I'm not sure if this makes sense, but when I see and feel myself move like this, it reminds me of looking at women and almost being able to feel how they feel in their own skin. I guess I'd look at them with envy, "I want to feel like that." and just assume they feel whatever feeling I'm attaching to it. So what I feel in those jeans is the feeling I associated with seeing all these attractive women I was jealous of. Does that make sense?

Either way, the important thing is it makes me feel alive.

Another thing that makes me feel feminine is putting on powder. Whenever I do and I'm looking in the mirror I look and feel like such a girl. Something about the look and smell of a woman putting on powder is very feminine and kinda sexy to me. I feel that when I'm doing it to myself, I feel very feminine and a little sexy, and I like how I look in the mirror.

I've flat out said before that my skin makes me feel more feminine then anything else, and that is still true, well I guess partially true. To be honest the soft skin all over has started to lose it's totally new excitement (i still love it now, trust me... really) What really makes me feel feminine now is my bum, yep that's right. I feel like my bum is the most developed part of my female body. The way it looks, how it feels in my own hand, how it feels when I sit down. Using the bathroom is becoming an experience for me. Sitting on the loo is a feeling you get used to over the years, these days when I sit down it feels completely different. My hips are wider and there's more "cushion". I love it

Random compliments can on occasion make me feel the same. I was talking with my partner the other day about nothing in particular. While talking I started to smile. Totally off topic she just blurted out, "You look some pretty when you smile." I had no make-up on, I wasn't feeling pretty,  and it really caught me off guard. I think because it caught me off guard, because it was so random, it brought out that feeling. I guess to be seen as pretty and being told so when I was feeling no where near pretty almost gave me a sense of shy embarrassment, and from that, femininity.

The strongest force in causing these feelings is clarity. At any point during the day, sitting on the bus, eating supper, listening to music, it really doesn't matter.. at any point it can suddenly hit me that this is "real". The feminine body I look down and see is mine and internally I feel like a woman almost always now. The realization of all of that pushes past that "fake it until you make it" feeling and really buts me in the "now". When I feel that "now" and I feel feminine it is utter bliss, everything around me slows down, everything becomes so clear. I feel so in myself, and the content feeling that comes with it actually makes me stupid happy, foolish looking grin and all.

Well that's a few things. I almost need to have a notepad with me at all times in order to remember them all. That feeling can spring up from so many random things at such random times through the day. I recall mentioning before the fleeting, centered feeling I would get and this is the feeling I was talking about then. Now, it's still fleeting, but it's more frequent. My days are so much better now, and this amazing feeling happens regularly. I can't wait until it's how I feel all the time.

Immature

One of the things people seem to wonder a lot about with starting HRT is will it change your personality, will it change you into a different person, will your wants and interests change? I've answered this in a sense in several posts before, but not directly. The quick answer is "yes and no." Personally, I've had several things about my personality change, but much of it is staying the same.

I feel very much like a kid at a lot of points during my day. I find something new about me almost every day, and often when I do I really get a sense of feeling new in my own body... if that makes sense. For example, I was in the shower and ran my hands down over my bum and I noticed how different it felt (and might I say, damn nice too!) I think to myself sometimes that this must have been what it was like when I was a teen, or younger, touching myself, seeing how I feel, getting in tune with my own body. More then ever my body is becoming something I enjoy, it's all very new to me, my own body, but it's exciting.

What does that have to do with my personality? Well all of that newness comes with it's share of shyness. My body is so new to me, and so sensitive now, I feel like closing up a little while around people. In the sense of  the typical young girl covering her newly developed breasts. Once this shyness is done though, I think this part of me will return to how I was before.

I've mentioned my love for video games before. That is something that has, but hasn't changed. I still have the want to play, in fact I'd like to play some right now, but now I have other things in my life that I need to attend too. Not just real responsibilities like the house or the kiddo, I'm kinda not counting those. I can easily lose hours and hours grooming myself. If I were to, say, let everything go for a bit so I had to do it all in one day I could spend a work day just primping myself. Start with a shower and shave, plucking my chest hair, combing out my wig, putting on make-up etc. etc.,  easy for that to take 5 hours out of my day.

So really my wanting to play video games still has not changed, that part of my personality has stayed the same, but it has changed functionally. So perhaps from the outside observer "Rebecca barely plays video games anymore" (gasp) But that's only because I have stuff to do, not because I don't want to.

My sense of humour has not changed at all, period. Nothing to say here, lol.

One thing that has changed is I take my time more now, and I expect others to be ok with that and if not, oh well! I always hated being rushed but I would rush myself if I "needed" to. Now I don't do that so much. I think this has come from having to be "careful" with my own self now. An example to make that makes sense..

Before if someone was waiting on me to take my outdoor clothes off I'd just whip it all off as quickly as I could and get out of the way, or help or whatever it was. Now I take my time, I have to be careful taking my scarf and jacket off or it'll tangle my wig into a celtic knot, and while I'm being careful, you can wait. Little things like that, that I find myself doing often are simply conditioning me to take my time more.

There are a good few things like this taking my time that have changed and I really like them. When I imagine myself in that light it brings a smile to my face. I enjoy the fact that I take my time now, it seems to fit this image I have.

Which reminds me of one thing that has changed and I am so grateful for. My day to day, general anger is really gone. I get angry now sometimes sure, but it's not my entire life, every waking second just mad at the world. It is ***SO RELAXING*** (I didn't know how to emphasize that enough...). I don't really know how to describe what it's like to feel like you have to defend yourself every moment you are awake. How about this? Imagine living as a captive to an unknown number of people any one of which is waiting for you to open your eyes so they can start right away with whatever they want to do to make you feel like you'd be better off dead, I mean really feel it. So imagine that, feel it? Now instead of them waiting for you to open your eyes they can actually see when your brain "turns on" after waking up, the second you become conscious, and change "all of those people" to your own mind.

I guess "relentless" is a good word.

 It just slipped away, I didn't even noticed until recently. This part of me was one of a very few major parts of me that I was always hoping would change or go away when I started transitioning. This is something else that fits the image I have of the woman I'll be.

Of course that has had a huge impact on my personality, an impact I'm excited to happen. Not feeling trapped all the time has opened my mind and perceptions to the world around me that much more. I feel this every day, without fail. I'll be doing something and I'll just realize how connected I am with what's happening at that moment. It's a feeling so new to me it happens with everything, even the mundane. I was petting our pet cat the other day and I realized how soft her fur felt, and that I never "felt" it before.

Something that has come as a direct result of losing the anger is my creativity has started to come back. Having my mind freed up like I mentioned has reopened the doors to my creativity and it's wonderful. I'm still in the beginning stages, this blog and a few other written word things I have done seem to be where it's starting. I have the occasional flash of how "easy" I could drawn something I'm looking at that I distinctly remember having as a kid regularly.

The last thing I wanted to talk about isn't a change that has happened, it's going to happen. It's not really the result of HRT either, but of transitioning itself, but it will change my personality, and I think the most out of everything. What I'm talking about is my voice. I may have mentioned before how my voice is effecting my personality. Before it was things like having to watch the words I say because some are a little trickier then others, or having to pause to get my voice right before I kept talking. They have had their little effects, but I feel there is more to come. I'm still not happy with my voice, to me I sound like a guy trying to sound like a girl and I really don't want to sound like that. Every now and then I say something a certain way and it's like "A ha! that's it!" but it's difficult to keep. When I do do it though, I feel completely different through my whole body. It's not just a "yay success" It's "OMG there *I* am!" I almost feel like each of those moments reprograms a little part of me. The sound of my voice may be hard to hold but that feeling leaves it's mark like few others do. I smile to myself, feel warm and content and it lingers in my heart and mind for a noticeable amount of time.

I get the same feeling a handful of other, really random ways. Walking down the hall and turning a certain way, or looking at something "cutely" and I can picture my own face, getting a compliment, touching my own leg, walking, dancing... none of them making me feel like that every time, but they are so random it makes me want to say "everything" has made that feeling come out from time to time. Perfecting my voice is what I'm pretty sure will finish all of that feeling.

I'd like to say "I hope I answered your questions" but I'm almost certain I just raised more. I do remember it was something I was a little afraid of before I started transitioning. How much of me will hormones change? I'm well aware of how powerful hormones can be, and I was worried I'd be someone else entirely (a little foolish  know, maybe a little wishful forethought). Now that I'm 6 months in I can say yes, there have been changes, some of them were ones I even worried about a little before. Not a single one of them does anything short of making me happy now, not a one.

Tenacious Honesty

Coming up with something to write has been tricky for me the last few days. I've had a lot of things on my mind, most of them a little too personal for here, even for me.

Jesus, just like that I thought of something.

So why is it I can be so candid? I do share a lot of personal feelings and experiences. It is actually a result of how I defended my feelings to myself when I was hiding this from everyone. What happened to me was that I started doubting my feelings and desires during my teen years, but all that doubt started taking over other areas of my life. I started doubting my actions, my thoughts, my choices, and I needed to come up with a way to accept all of these things I doubted.

I guess luckily I had seen people's misguided judgments on the actions, thoughts, feelings, choices, and desires of others for what they are. So I assumed I was making the same misguided judgments on myself, and it practically saved my life. Instead of believing my own doubts, or believing what other people thought about those things in me I started looking for reasons why I, and they, could be wrong.

The answer is simple really, but it wasn't a simple process to get to, or accept. The simple answer is there is no reason at all to judge any thing anyone does. (For the sake of this argument, I'm going to leave out people intentionally hurting others.)

To use myself as an example. I would get the insatiable craving (the only way to describe it) for feminine clothes. I would shame myself away from the store for an undisclosed period of time before I would eventually build up more desire and courage then fear and go to the store. The shaming of myself always came in the form of what others would think. Would a woman say something while I was looking at the racks of clothes? Would the cashier say something to me while checking me out? What are all of these people thinking?

I remember I had one emotional breakthrough one day at Winners. I was standing in line at the check out with three or four pairs of panties in my hand. There was an older lady ahead of me that I didn't take much notice of and she didn't say anything to me. When I handed the cashier the clothes I had she leaned in and said to me.

"That lady could not stop staring at your panties."

My reaction surprised me, I laughed and said something like "Ah well, some old people are close minded."

Now in my head, in the moment, she didn't emphasize 'your' enough to make me think she was thinking I was going to go home and put them on myself. It seemed like she meant they were 'mine' like buying a chainsaw and baby food are both 'mine'.

On my way home though the reality started hitting me. I didn't have a chainsaw and baby food, I had three pairs of panties. I didn't say they weren't mine, she really seemed unfazed, but the others in the line behind me (I had stepped ahead and turned around a little) were a combination of shocked and mortified as the cashier and I talked. If she wasn't so nonchalant about the whole situation it would have went down differently.

I felt exhilarated after I realized what happened. It was a split second of the mask being off, even if the cashier or the people in line had no idea what was going on, and someone was ok with it. To my face.

It reinforced what I was starting to come up with on my own. That there is no reason to judge people. I was just "caught" and the worst thing that happened to the people around me was they had to deal with an emotion they probably weren't expecting to deal with in a line up at Winners.

I think being transgender forces you to be open-minded, though I have seen examples that that isn't necessarily true. It did force me to be though, I didn't feel right not accepting people for their 'different' wants and desires because I didn't want people to do that to me.

Now how this all relates to my being so candid would take a philosophical trip through my brain. The short story of it though is I don't think anyone should be forced to hide their feelings from anyone. Force coming far more subtlety then the violence we all focus on, It comes from people's unspoken discrimination. Not to get too deep, but we all believe we have freedom of thought, the most basic freedom, but do we? When you start thinking things that you know the majority of society isn't "ok" with at this point in history you can easily start to shame yourself. You start berating yourself for thinking these things, for feeling these feelings 'no one' else does. That isn't freedom of thought.

My honesty comes from that belief. I feel like we shouldn't be afraid to talk to others about our personal selves. In fact, when in humanity did it start to not be that way? I feel like this is something intrinsic in us all. We all want to be heard, to have our feelings shared and accepted, with and by others. Why should I hide how I feel? Am I the only one on the planet with feelings? The point here seems so obvious to me I'm not sure how much I can keep going without beating a dead horse.

I've gone through some hard times, I am going through some hard times. In some ways, it's harder now then it was before, but in others it's far easier. Why not share that with people? Someone will read it and take comfort they aren't alone, someone will read it and understand a friend a little better, someone will read it and give me some assurance, or confidence that day. All of these people I could possibly be helping, how much I'm helping myself, all coming from the ability to be open about myself, something  we all have the ability, and desire, to do.

Not to sound selfish or pitiful but one thing that has come from my being honest is actually seeing how hard things have been for me. There are several things, and several people that after I talked to had said "wow I had no idea." or something of that nature, and it's about something that has been a regular part of me for all of my life. It gives me some perspective. I've tried to deal with this with the attitude of "I can handle this, everyone's life sucks, mine's no worse." and that was hurting me. Doing my best to convince myself I can handle it on my own, and I did convince myself for the most part.

At the same time I'm getting this feedback it's also explaining to them more of what's going on. So little is known of transgender people and every bit of information about us that we can get out there is better for us. Even if it is something as simple as letting a friend know how hard life has been. Now they know that, now they can share that with their cis friends so they can understand a little more, or any trans friend that need their support.

There are times I feel anxious about what I've written or said to people about my personal feelings. Every single time I'm worried about what others would think of the 'real' me. I'm not worried someone will "prove me wrong" or catch me in a lie because I'm being to open and honest to leave room for that. I am worried about someone reading it and thinking "Holy crap, stay the hell away from Becky." when all I'm doing is telling you how I feel.

It is very liberating. Essentially I'm walking into a crowded room and scattering sheets of paper that is "my life" all over the table and staring people in the eyes while they look over it all. It's the end result of all the hiding, it's a "Here I am, here is everything. Judge me as you will and move on. I'm done being afraid to live."

CBC Radio Noon, Finally

To be blunt, I'm not having a good day today. I'm feeling far too closed to write here today so I'll finally get around to doing something I've forgotten to do about 78 times now.

This is the podcast for the radio show I was on last week. There is some other stuff on before us, we start somewhere around 20-25 min or so. Anyway, enjoy.

http://www.cbc.ca/radionoonnl/episodes/2013/11/28/thursday-november-28-2013/

Momentarily

 I realized how up and down my posts are. I even contradict my own feelings from day to day. What I say about my feelings in the past or of the past seem to disagree sometimes too.

Now I'm not sure, but I think this may be because of being transgender. I have always felt things in waves, is the only way to describe it. Maybe it's the depression that comes with it, that causes the waves, I'm not sure. They didn't always coincide with times in my life I was actively being feminine... I don't think so anyway, but those are the times that are easiest to explain now.

I'm also not sure if this is something other transgender people experience (which I'll get into in a sec) or if it's my personal experience of it. I have heard of others talking about doing similar things so I'm thinking this may be worth talking about in case there's someone out there reading this that this is troubling as much as it did me.

I do remember having weeks-ish of good days then the same in bad days and back and forth, emotionally. What I really can explain to you is how I would express my femininity in waves.

After I "decided" to hide all of this about me, around my early to mid 20's, I lasted something like three to four years, the timeline is just a little hazy now. During most of that time I had nothing to do with sex, I didn't even masturbate. It was actually getting a girlfriend which "forced" me to think about sex that ultimately brought my feminine side back. We lasted a few years and it was about half way through that the desire to be feminine started to come back. I found myself, again, compelled to explore it and I hated it. It was actually what led me to break up with her. I told her more times then she wanted to hear that it was all me and had nothing to do with her.

It's.... unfortunate how impossible it is to convince someone believe that.

Without telling them the whole truth I guess...

I'm sorry..

Anyway. This part of me that I already hated but simply was helpless to stop had once again ended something wonderful for me. That's how the back and forth started, well, again I guess. I didn't feel at all comfortable enough to express my femininity in any way that someone could tell, at least not consciously. So what I did was I sexualized it.

But I did it in waves. I would usually start with panties. First, I had to get the courage to get a few pairs, because let's be honest, one pair simply will not do. The first time I bought a pair after my "drought" the embarrassment of doing it was enough to turn the tide back the other way and I hid them in my closet without even putting them on and forgot about them for a while.

It didn't matter though, eventually I came around again, knowing I had a few pairs of panties in my closet I had to put them on. From there I would explore more and more until I got to a point that I wanted "too much", I was afraid of being caught, or I was starting to feel like I was doing something I needed to stop and I'd put everything away again. What I mean by "too much" is that I would very often start thinking "yes I'm transgender, this is something I need to do." That thought would almost always, excuse the pun, scare the panties off of me.

This is the part that is similar to some other TG's I've found. A sort of "binge and purge" as one described it. I started with panties, sure, because they are so easy to hide but I'd get as swept up in exploring more as my comfort would let me. Wearing them over night quickly became all day, which quickly became outdoors. It would just be the idea of taking them off that would make me go "Nope, no thanks." Eventually I would start shaving everything but my face (oh god, lol), wearing pantyhose, bras, skirts, and minimal makeup when no one was home. I'd start fantasizing about being a woman while I masturbated (yeah I started that again), about being with men. I'd eventually think "I want to be a woman."

Rather then do that though, I would always choose to put everything away, many of those times I threw it all in the garbage. I'd tell myself "no" and not understand why I would be miserable until I would come to some sort of neutral that would make me comfortable enough to go back to the femininity.

I still have these waves, clearly. One of the best things about them now is they are so much less confusing. I'm not driving myself crazy wondering why I feel the way I do about my gender and sexuality. That confusion is still there but I have very little doubt left in me now. Well today.

4° Warmer

So I was reading over my last post and I noticed something came out a little wrong. The part about intelligent comedy and what not. I wasn't trying to say I'm more intelligent then most of my family. I'm not afraid to say there are some. But what I was trying to say is I listened to George Carlin, they listened to Buddy Whaisname. Our sense of humour simply not mixing. Same with the music.

Anyway, enough of that.

Something interesting has been happening to me the last few days. I'm not really sure how to describe it because it's a feeling that I actually have to concentrate, or not concentrate, I'm not sure, on feeling it. I felt it first looking the the mirror on friday before I went to bed. I was being lazy and not taking my make-up off before going to bed but I went to the bathroom to brush my teeth. I had my wig off and when I looked in the mirror I noticed I still looked feminine. It's either because my hair is long enough to look good now, or that with the combination of whatever else the hormones have done had me looking feminine to myself.

I think I have mentioned the "fake it until you make it." attitude. It's sort of how I get through life. I've operated, and made decisions many... many times as if it was happening to someone else. That's how I've been doing this transition as well. Just go through the motions and it'll all work out in the end. I don't know how to describe not putting any emotional stock into something, even yourself, but that is what I do.

Tangent time. This is something I have developed over time out of necessity. There's this thing humans do that causes a host of problems. People let themselves get attached to everything, their car, TV, guitar, favorite dishtowel, whatever. I've stopped myself from doing this. When living a life of constantly finding new people, places, and things and then just walking away from it all with no good-byes it starts becoming very hard to deal with yourself. This attachment we all do ends up in pain. Every. Single. Time. Your favorite shirt will eventually be unwearable, your favorite TV show will end, your pets will die, your lovers will leave you.

I used to get unbelievably attached to things, especially people and animals. Every loss to me was like tearing out a part of my soul, I'm pretty sure losing my pet cat was the last time I've felt like that, about 10 years ago. Though I guess a handful of people have managed to slip past the defenses over those 10 years.

It has had a few effects on me. One, I don't feel the horrible stab of loss when something or someone exits my life, it was going to happen anyway. I take situations and people as they come, how someone acted yesterday rarely has an effect on how I react to them today. I say rarely because, be an asshole enough times and I'll tell you to go to hell. But I don't register what people say to me. Yes, I hear them, I process what they say but it doesn't stick with me. I don't attach whatever just happened with that person like some sort of label. Same goes with everything else. I have no attachment to anything around me because none of it defines me.

All that sounds not bad, some of it even good.. almost wise. But the other side effects are starting to outweigh them. No more feelings of loss, but that comes hand in hand with feeling empty all the time, no one and nothing able to fill that hole. It has to be one of the things that boggle people about me. Who the hell is Rebecca, what does she do or like? Difficult to connect to people when you have nothing about you that they can compare to themselves. I don't feel any more. I used to be so compassionate, so empathic I would know there was something upsetting you before you did. Now,  I just as well be walking around the matrix, every face just a symbol of a husk moving around the world. I've had my eyes closed, rummaging around my own head for a long time and now that I'm lifting my head back up and looking around at everyone it's very obvious to me I've missed a large part of the conversation. I know so much about *me* but I have no idea how to apply that to the real world. I have no idea now what I do and don't like, which sounds trivial but it leaves me lost often enough. I know who *I* am but I know nothing about how that person fits in with the rest of the people in life.

So what does this have to do with me in the mirror? Well, I've been doing this transition with no attachment. As much as I've always wanted it I'm just waiting for it to come to an end somehow. I already can't afford my HRT, I'm waiting for the month that I can't take my medication, that won't be a happy month. So, from conditioning, I'm waiting to lose something else I would have rather gotten attached to, but I'm not letting myself.

Don't get me wrong, transitioning has clearly had a positive effect on my life, anyone who knows me can spend ten minutes with me now and see that. I just haven't been letting myself believe it is happening to me, I look in the mirror and I feel more like I'm looking at someone else. What happened that day is it actually felt like me looking back at me. It was fleeting, and as I said, I have no idea how to summon it back up, but it was amazing. The reality of what is happening dawned on me for a brief moment. I really felt like that woman is ME. I've almost been scared to feel that feeling, I was concerned it would turn to utter terror. Into "holy shit what the hell am I doing?". Instead it made me smile, my eyes brightened, I stood up on my tip-toes and squeed. I started sizing myself up, picking at my hair, messing with my shirt, just in general enjoying what I seen, in every angle. I did that for a bit then realized how much of a girl I was being. I finished brushing my teeth and went to bed probably more content then I've been able to be in a long time.

Then the next day during mid afternoon I was laying in bed, fully dressed just having a little lay-down. I looked down at myself and the feeling I had yesterday started to creep in. This time I wasn't looking in a mirror I was looking at myself. Again, that feeling of "this is happening to *me*, this is how I look now." I don't know how to explain it, it's like watching something in a movie then turning to see that same thing happen in your room to you. Almost an epiphany of reality. I actually thought to myself "I bet if I touch my leg right now it will feel crazy." so I did. I was right. Feeling something on my skin is a feeling I haven't become used to yet. Simple "make-out sessions" with my partner are a sensory overload, that I actually can't endure it's so intense. When I touched my leg while on the bed it was like I injected something into my leg. A one finger touch, through jeans and it coursed from my fingertip through my thigh stopping at my knee. I gasped and cried actually. The intense reality that was hitting me made me unable to do much else.

And then I realized how happy I was. How when I look at myself, and I actually feel like it's me, it almost like a childhood, arm-pumping "Yes!", it feels like victory. That fleeting sense of "self" being the most intense, centered feeling I've ever had about me, I felt it right through my whole body. The other amazing thing about that feeling is I'm not convinced it's not coming back. In fact, today I feel like it's the inevitable result that will come from my transition.

The imagine that's in my head right now of myself being a woman that has that centered feeling being my norm seems almost like I'm picturing Wonder Woman. A woman with so much substance it looks like time is on her schedule, not the other way around.

I'll get there, some day.

Family Matters

I'm not sure if I mentioned this here or not, but I posted on my facebook that I have this blog. Since I've done that I've gotten a fair bit of response. I've being writing this like no one is reading it, that's how I manage to be so candid, but it's kinda obvious to me now that people are reading it.

One of the main reasons I hesitated telling facebook was because of family members reading it.I kinda figured my parents would, but I have a few other extended family that also are, so I'm feeling a little reticent.

And I'm having none of that.

So, let's just press right through this, shall we?

My family had a huge impact on my dysphoria. No one puts expectations on you like your family does, and when everyone thinks you're a boy there are even more, especially from my parents generation. I was clearly different then the rest of my family but no one ever knew why, obviously. No one even had close to a clue, besides the fact that I became an expert con artist about this, it was simply not an option for anyone to think.

My youngest years, say under the age of ten was pretty simple. I was constantly given gender norms to adhere by, but at that time it didn't "bother" me. I had other things I would have rather done, like play with My Little Pony, but I listened to my parents and that was kinda it.

When puberty started setting in though, I started becoming aware of my very different personality. It was unbelievably frustrating going through what I was going through and having people chalk it up as being a "typical teenager". There has never been anything typical about me, except maybe a typical transgender kid.

I tried, and try, often to think of what my family thought of me back then. Just about everything about me was different then them. They thought school education is the end all to be all, I thought it was a bunch of people trying to make themselves feel more important. They were all very religious, I was.... not, and I enjoyed telling you. At that time, that wasn't a very popular thing to do. I enjoyed intelligent stand-up comedy and music, and their lyrics. They seemed to enjoy slap-stick like comedy and more mainstream/newfoundland music. I was an artist, they were not.

I also knew I had beliefs they hadn't even thought about. A lot of it centered around sex and gender. Like transvestites are people too, I was completely ok with homosexuals, I thought monogamy was a recipe for disaster, I was into BDSM. I thought sex could be something shared between any two people, (or three, or four, or...) Transvestism aside, I thought men and women should be able to wear whatever they wanted. I didn't think it was strange for a man to say "beautiful" (yeah, that's backwards times were then.) There were quite a few things.

Most importantly though, I think. I wore black all the time, gave thought to hard decisions, to hard world problems. I had started to become sensitive to my own lack of expression and I started feeling it in others. Ultimately, I was the depressed kid in the family and I think they had no idea how to handle me, and I'm sure I didn't make it easy.

I have a few examples of things that I remember about different relatives and how they related to my being transgender. There is no way I can talk about this without them knowing who I'm talking about so, here we go.

I have one cousin that has been a best friend to me. Time and responsibility has diminished that a little, but he still is one of my best friends. I am, four (I think?) years older then him and there was a time period where he spent more time with me at my house then he did at home. I joke about that time to people and say I "raised my cousin.", which is hardly true, but I felt motherly at the time. It was one of the first times I felt like I wanted to inside, but still had no one to share or explain it to.

There are another group of family members I am just going to lump together, because that's how much love I have for them. I seen this side of the family roughly once a year, for christmas, and... fuck them. I haven't met a single group of such arrogantly ignorant people in my life. They caused me a lot of pain. The other side of my family didn't know how to connect with me, and really left it at that. This side didn't know how to connect to me and that was MY problem that they needed to fix, apparently. No one in my life judged me as much as they did. I was depressed and wore black a lot, "cheer up and wear some color! what's wrong with you!" I had long hair "Only girls have long hair." I didn't want to go to university, "you're no one of you don't go to university."

Just about every core belief these people had was a polar opposite to mine, which is fine. The artistic qualities in me being  a stark contrast to their inelegant ways.  But when you start telling me I'm wrong, you're right, and there's something wrong with me because I feel that way (Which there FUCKING WAS, but not like they thought), you can go to hell. These people basically made me feel like how I was feeling was wrong, alien, and unforgivable.

One visit a year, quite the accomplishment.

During my university days I was getting rides with another cousin of mine who was also going to university. That became awkward for me. Why? You ask.

Well...

I started to become attracted to her. To start with, she is attractive, but as I started to get to know her during our drives I started wanting to be her, like I've done with many females in the past. I'd pick out qualities in her that I liked and wished I could be. I actually found myself hitting on her trying to get to know her (and therefore me) a little better. She was my cousin so I thought maybe there was a better chance for answers in her (not knowing at the time the answers were in me). I don't know if she ever felt it, but once I noticed what I was doing, I stopped.

I just remembered another time where an aunt and uncle tried to, I dunno, "man me up" for lack of better terms. Maybe it was "cheer me up." I'm not sure. I was given motorbike rides, the male version of the sex talk, a handful of other attempts to figure me out. I was so impossible to connect to though, it didn't last long, and I don't blame them even a little bit, I did appreciate it in fact.

Essentially that's what it comes down to I suppose. I was impossible to connect with on any level. Anything you could get me engaged in was something people didn't know about, didn't want to hear, or didn't know want to say about. Probably mostly the latter. I had one side of my family that tried, failed, and I think felt bad. The other side of my family couldn't care less and only gave me enough thought to wonder why I wasn't jumping on their bandwagon.

There is one large thing though that happened that really made me put my head in the sand. When my uncle came out as gay it opened my eyes. I wasn't directly told until he told me, many years later. It still is something that our family claims not to be ashamed of, but are so quiet about I hardly see the difference. How quiet it was kept made me go completely into my closet about being transgender. My thoughts of someone being gay at the time was "Is that all?" I was comparing it to me who wanted to change genders, act and present like a woman rather then the boy I was born, AND I also had homosexual fantasies.

Lol even my fantasies were confusing to me, which ones were homosexual and which ones were heterosexual? Anyway..

Their reaction to my uncle gave me no hope for myself. One of the contributing factors of my trip to Atlanta. I think it's great, I'd like for him to take his boyfriend to our christmas dinner some year (if he has one. See? I don't even know that). I've always felt that way. I always thought it was total crap that my cousins, aunt, myself and my brother all brought boy/girlfriends and my uncle never did. I think actually, once.

All of this being said, very little of this was done intentionally. Clearly they had no idea I was transgender, being sensitive to that wasn't even in our culture then. When it came to me hiding the little girl inside me everything and anything could have set me off, or made me feel worse, or more alone. For the most part they had no idea what effect the things they did and said had on me.

Makeover

If you were able to listen to Crosstalk yesterday you would have heard me being ask what I thought about transgender related surgery. Honestly I know I can be wordy so I ended up saying as little as possible so I thought I'd give a more thorough answer here.

It's probably the most delicate subject in the trans community, not to make assumptions. Mainly because for the non-transgender mind it seems to be their biggest curiosity, and for some transgender it is a topic of pain for many reasons, Not to mention it's our genitals, doncha think that's a little personal?

The fact that none of us can give anyone a straight answer, or the same one probably doesn't help. That is part of our point though, not to get side tracked, people are different.

So, to answer the question, "what do I think of surgery." I'll take two swipes.

First. I think it's something that should be covered by mcp, here in newfoundland and without all of the red tape. Face it, we are the ones leading our own health care. We each will, and are the only one capable to, tell you if we do or do not want surgeries. It seems to ultimately come down to this decision, "Will 'replacing' what I have make me feel better?" If that answer is "no" then I can't imagine someone getting surgery like that because they think they "might" feel a little better, and the side effects would be worth it.

Besides that, we have the care here. It would save so much grief simply by letting people do their jobs. The jobs they want to do, the jobs people are going to them for.

Anyway, I don't feel like I really know enough about that to say much more then opinion, so..

The second part, what do I think of surgery for myself? Like I said it's something I'm strongly considering but it's quite the decision to make, so let me elaborate.

There are several surgeries that are available that I don't think I'll be needing. facial feminization, trachea shave, there are a few that I can't even remember that I probably won't be doing. The reason why, for me, is I don't need them. More accurately, I don't feel I need them. The hormones seem to be doing a reasonable enough job with my face, and body in general. My voice simply isn't worth slicing bits of me away to solve a problem I can do with practice. The majority of the rest of the ones I have forgotten (I seem to be only able to find that list when I want to feel bad about how much money I need to spend) fall under one or two of those options. Either something doesn't need to be fixed or is fixing it's self right now, or just isn't worth doing and/or other options are better.

The infamous top and bottom surgery however. Top surgery I was all but adamant on getting done say, less then 2 months ago. Now I'm not sure. My breasts are developing... not bad. From what I understand, it can take several years before they are finished growing. If that is the case, maybe I'll wait those several years and see what happens naturally. Or maybe I'll have enough of squinting into the mirror before that time is up and get it done anyway.

Not to mention all of the other problems that come with any surgery. The actual idea of getting that done.... I haven't even broken a bone before, never mind getting surgery.

Hah, I actually laughed to myself when I thought of this, so I'll say it here. Surgery is only something I would have done to myself if I could have AT ALL made that possible considering some of the things I have done.

So yeah, the usually complications too...

Of course there is the issue of money. Not to pick a fight but top surgery isn't covered by mcp at all for a MtF transgender. So if I want to get this done, on my own is my only option.

As for bottom surgery.... bleh.

I hate thinking about it, honestly. Regardless it's in the distant future, so there's that. But the absolutely tug-of-war that is the decision to do this or not is just not one my brain feels like poking at most nights. The difference between top and bottom is my genitals can only be changed by surgery, waiting to see what happens won't change anything unlike top surgery. So that almost seems like a "well, whatcha waiting for?" but it's sharply countered by, "You're about to remove your penis... Hello??"

It is a feelings vs intellect though. I look down at myself, or in the mirror. Especially putting on underwear or certain pants I feel pretty disgusted. I almost want to take the clothing off because it doesn't "fit right". Looking in the mirror I can be feeling great until I get to my waist then just feel like shit. So I figure, surgery it is. But as I think about it, and detail what would happen I get scared. Maybe that just means it's a matter of time, I don't know. I am just as curious as I am bewildered about having sex with a vagina.... not to make that sound like I'm talking about a sex toy of some sort...

There is also something else to consider. The reason I feel better about my breasts is essentially my dysphoria about it has lessened. That has happened for most of my body, though there are spots that still bother me a fair bit, between my legs being one of them. At this point I don't know how much, I guess, my "overall dysphoria" will lessen.... if that's a thing. What I mean though is I may get to a time that I'm comfortable enough with my own body that I won't feel the need to get any surgery.

I guess right now top surgery is a bit of a coin toss, and bottom is leaning more toward yes. As scary as it is, as many complications as their may be, thinking of going all of my life without knowing what it is like to have female genitals, or of looking at the same thing that is there now for the rest of my life makes me somewhat depressed.

That is the exact same way I felt about transitioning in the first place, so I guess that says a lot.

CBC Radio Noon

A quick post to let everyone know I will be joining three other people speaking on CBC Radio Noon with John Furlong tomorrow, Thursday the 28th from 12:15 too 1:30. Come have a listen

Choosing Choice

Spending time with other people from the LGBT community last week has taught me a lot. The most important lesson I received is that even though I'm trans myself there is an awful lot about the community that I am as unaware it's even an issue as I am uninformed about it. There is actually so much, and I feel so unable to speak of them from lack of knowledge that I am not going to.

There was one conversation that I had over the week that flicked the light switch on, so to speak.

This is why, by the way, I need to be involved with the community more. This was one conversation, that really boils down to one sentence, that...well you'll see.

The trans-person I was talking to was telling me about a meeting she and others had with health care professionals. They were asked the inevitable question, "So this isn't a choice right?" The answer that was given is what I have been thinking about since. The person I was talking to answered back, "Well it can be, and that's ok too."

I can almost picture their faces.

This is something I absolutely believe, but honestly I'm not sure it's so intrinsic in me that I would have given the same answer. The person telling us this story told it almost as a joke more then the seriousness behind that statement, intentionally or not I'm not sure (we were at a bar), or maybe I didn't realize her seriousness through the laughter. This one statement though is it, this is all we, or anyone in the LGBT community needs people to understand.

It begs to strain on the reasoning, "Why can't it be a choice?" Imagine how freeing it would be if our society accepted people choosing to transition, or choosing being homosexual. As it stands, it seems a completely alien idea for a straight man to choose to be gay, or a cis woman choosing to transition to male. Why the hell would they do that?

Why the hell do you need to know?

For a society that wants 500 choices of doughnut I find it incredible that the majority can't allow people to choose anything, ANYTHING, they want. Instead, you can have your coffee in 37 different flavours but when it comes to sex  and gender, you can check two of four boxes and they better match up with what everyone else thinks you should check.

A world where there are no genders, or all genders. Where having sex with another human being, male or female, or both is just the beautiful connection it is, and not some perverted "fantasy". Sounds impossible right? Well here's a list:

India
Pakistan
Nepal
Australia
New Zealand
Thailand
Oman
Polynesia
Indonesia
The Philippines
Kenya

These countries either have a special place for a third gender in their society, or have actual laws protecting their right to choose a third gender. Options on passports, census etc. and there are more countries I haven't listed.

For all of our technical, economical, and educational advances here in western society when it comes to individual freedom and expression we are very seriously lacking.

However the second our culture and media earnestly grasps on to freedom of expression our worlds in the LGBT community would change. When it becomes socially acceptable to make it a choice to be gay, or trans, or whatever, then where will the problems come from for those of us who it really isn't a choice for?

The "I have no choice" argument was a reasonable one when it started. It was pretty much the only way to get the masses off our backs, convince them it's akin to an illness and this is your treatment. It is true for many of us, I for one. I had a minor choice, transition or stay miserable. Waving this around though like our flag is hurting us in the long run. We don't need to squeeze out a little sympathy from society, we need to beat it over the head until it remembers we are supposed to believe in personal freedom for everyone.

I was going to stop there but I wanted to add a bit of an hypothesis, for lack of better words.

Even for me, with my saying I had no choice but to transition, I still had a choice. I could have gone on my life like I have the last 30 years. Now that choice would be suicidal depression, but it was a "choice" in the strictest sense. What I have chosen is happiness, and being true to myself. Something all of you out there wish you had the courage to do. I think when people see the public version of us trans they only see the happy side and have that ignorant idea of "you're so happy, you didn't need this." To re-use a simile, it's like months after you end a bad relationship and you are happy, it's hard to see the sadness that made you leave.

People who don't understand see someone like me and I think it hits them right in the jealousy. Freedom of expression isn't just our fight, it's everyone's fight. I, and many like me, are grabbing that right and telling everyone to go to hell with their judgments. It HAS to be intimidating. The majority of society all have their own personal expression they wish society would be ok with but they are choosing to conform. They look at us and see how confident many of us eventually end up being and their jealously/envy gets the better of them. They have to try and take away from us the one thing they want themselves.

Stop fighting us and join us. Personal freedom; freedom of sexuality, freedom of opinion, freedom of choice, freedom of gender, freedom of voice... freedom of thought. These are HUMAN rights and up to all of us to make sure they are rights held by ALL of us.

Castaway

I have the opposite problem this morning then I've been having the last while. I have so much on my mind, a lot of it blogable, that I'm not sure where to start or even if I can make this all coherent.

I've never forgotten how social I was as a kid, or teenage, did I ever like people. This may sound conceded but looking back I didn't feel like I had to try to be anyone's friend, or at least be liked by random students. Grade seven wasn't awesome for me but eight through high school I didn't have a lot of friends, but I was liked well enough by just about everyone.

More importantly though I loved being with the friends I had, the close ones. I spent every moment I could spending time with my friends. Sure they changed through the years, as do most people during those years, but I wanted to be around people more then just about anything else. Even when video games started coming into our lives, I'd always rather let my friends play and me watch. Let them have the fun and I had fun in that. Honestly I used to like watching them interact.

But then the reality of being transgender started to creep in and I, almost over night, became antisocial. It was an online game that led me away. My friends didn't seem to appreciate how into the game I was getting, but it wasn't entirely the game. Sure I can get sucked into a good game but I played this in my room alone. Why? Because the people playing with me, talking to me didn't know the 20ish boy going to university and seems to have everything moderately together. They knew an "elf" that had a very confused, but kind person behind it.

I started shutting out everyone in my life except those I was using to figure out who I was. That, of course, eventually led me to few friends, none actually. There have been several points in my life that the only people I talked to were co-workers and roommates. All of whom had separate lives from me, work or a house being the only things in common. After coming back from atlanta I didn't want to let anyone in that close again, ever.

I only ever approached people through girlfriends. I feel like I owe all of them an apology now. The reason they felt I got so close, the reason they felt so loved was because they were getting all of it I had, I wasn't sharing with anyone else. The reason I did get close was because I had to, almost every one of them came at a point that the lack of human connection was getting unbearable so I'd let someone in a little, and suddenly I'm in a relationship. I tell myself often that I tricked these people into liking me, but that's not entirely true, every emotion that came out was real, it was just half real. I was in a constant sword fight with my girlfriends and they never knew. Some of them certainly have the wounds though...

God fucking dammit that was brutal to say.

One of the large hopes, and astonishing real side effect of transitioning was that I'd become more social. I went from having three good friends (not including my partner) to several groups of friends, it's unreal. I've met so many new people over the last few months I know I won't be able to keep up with them all. Besides the hugging, and hand-shaking, and invites to places, and recognizing smiles reminding me how warm people can be. It has generated this new feeling in me. I've always felt outer space is actually where I'm from but now I feel like maybe I could be human after all.

It's like I've been stranded on an island for a long long time and I'm just now coming back to civilization. People sort of treat me like that too, and you know something? I like it, fuck it, I do. Before I felt like people would think of me like, "See that guy over there... Don't look! Jesus! He'll kill you.". Now it's more like,  "You know, that's a woman over there who could really use some help." and they all do it so well. I don't know how the hell I got so lucky with the people I have met or re-met that every one of them seems to have a least a hint of that little bit of welcomed pity (something I would never have done before) but they wrap it up in such caring it makes me feel... warm. It makes me want to do something to give them one big collective hug.

Or a bunch of individual hugs, I could go for that too.

I've felt so attacked all my life it's like walking into a new world to have all of these people be so incredibly caring. And I believe them, that's the crazy part. Where the hell did that come from? I'm not very good at accepting help and that is a little of what I mean, but mostly I mean I actually believe their sincerity when they somehow express they care. Something I simply didn't have the peace of mind to allow to happen before. Not just peace of mind but self worth. I didn't think I was worthy of anyone's care before. Now, I don't think I'm really that much, at all, but I almost feel like I could be part of something now, and that's not bad, right? It's intimidating honestly, the caring attention, but it's quite invited I'm just left with nothing to say most times. I hope they all know how much it means to me.

Simulacrum

Well, what a packed week I had. I did go out Friday to see Red Durkin perform. She is hilarious, and she had herself "screeched in" after the show, lol.

The entire week was great, I missed a few things unfortunately but it all went well from what I hear. We are doing a good job here in Newfoundland promoting trans awareness. There are constant changes being done to discrimination laws as well, there was a debate thursday morning in the house of representatives to include gender identity in the NL human rights act. It is exciting to see these changes even trying to happen, we have come a long way since my teen years.

Ugh, I hate stating dry facts so back to my feelings...

As I mentioned I wanted to talk about my speech. Well, that's not exactly true. My speech kinda is what it is. The video is there, it went well enough as you can see. I did get a great response from the crowd afterward, I was approached by several people who were appreciative of or moved by what I said.

Watching the video of myself though, that was a new experience for me.

I always hated pictures and videos of myself. There is not a single picture of my male self that I like, the sound of my male self speaking like a male always sounded wrong to me. If I ever listened to my own recorded voice before I would quickly turn it off and possibly throw it across the room in disgust. Every picture I look "wrong", like there is something underneath that I was missing. Like a painting with a hidden picture in it I just can't see. There is one actually that I always liked. It was of me in grade eleven with my long hair, and I look more like a girl then a boy.

That was how I expected to react when I watched the video of myself. I figured I'd turn it on, watch about twelve seconds of it and turn it off. Instead what happened was I was riveted to the video and I was smiling pretty much the entire time. I found myself watching it and thinking "aww this is going to be over soon." like I wanted to see more of me. That is a totally foreign feeling to me. Everything seems to "fit". Even my voice slipping in and out of being where I like it doesn't throw me off while watching it because it still seems to fit in a strange sense. My movements, facial expressions, everything about that seems so right. Even the nervous clap I did at the end because no one realized I was done just looks cute to me. Normally something like that would embarrass the shit out of me.

I don't really know how to describe the powerful feeling underneath it all. Yes everything feels "right" but the feeling of feeling "right" is euphoric... and astonishing. It's like being adrift for years and seeing the tip of an island over the waves of the ocean. You're not quite sure how far away it is but there it is, safety, hope, comfort... home. It's where I belong, after all this time of floating aimlessly.

When I take the time to think about it, like I am right now, I can't help but giggle, and laugh, and cry, and relax. That woman in that video can't be me can she? Yes it can, and is.

I could never picture my male self. I don't know if I can stress that accurately enough. I could never, still can't, just summon up a mental image of my male self. I just literally can't picture that face. I can picture myself now on a whim. I can remember how I looked doing something, or I can even make up a situation and picture myself in it. I actually have a self image now, an identifiable one.

Ok, enough for now. This week has left me with a good bit to talk about but I'm going to stop here for now.

Back soon

Transgender Day of Remembrance Speech

I finally got this thing figured out so here it is! After fighting with this video for a bit to get it up I'm kinda not in the mood to write atm. So! I'll throw this up here now and be back later today or tomorrow for my thoughts. I may head out tonight for more of the events for this week, so we'll see.

If so I'll have more to write about :)

Also, my speaking voice is rather quiet right now so I'm a little difficult to hear in the video, sorry. The whole audio is not loud though, so if you turn it up there should't be any points that you puncture your eardrum.

Grr, I had to upload it to youtube, anyway, without further ado..


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OWeteNdnUas&feature=youtu.be

Transgender Day of Remembrance

I'm a little distracted right now but I don't think I'll have a better time to post today and I really wanted to. Yesterday was the Transgender Day of Remembrance and there was an event here in St john's at Memorial University.

I was a Speaker there on a panel of four. It was a great night, a lot of people showed up and we had really good questions from the audience.

My partner recorded my part of it and I'm hoping to get it online by tonight. Watching that video is.... an experience for me, in the past I really, strongly, disliked pictures and especially videos of me. I didn't feel that way this time, and that's a new feeling for me   I'll wait for a better time to get on and write more about it all.

Yeah, so... I'm so used to writing long posts I don't know what to do..

I'll be back with a video (hopefully) and something more thoughts about the night and my feelings surrounding it.

Click Publish

I don't really get infatuated with anyone anymore. I'm not sure if that is a feeling left for the younger but I don't usually find myself overly curious about someone, a borderline "crush".

There is a girl on youtube, I don't remember if I had mentioned her before. Violet4151 is her U.name. I stumbled on her while randomly looking at trans related videos. I watched all of her videos and I was quite interested. There is just something about this girl that I just "feel". I have no other words for it.

I met another trans woman yesterday, in person, and I felt the same toward her. A cross of curiosity, attraction, comfort, envy and contentment. There is just something about these two people that has me totally captivated.

It took having the two of them to compare each other to and re-watching a video by Violet4151 for me to figure out why I feel this way about these two people.

Now, I don't know either of them, so I don't know what's in their heads. That being said, I think I know what it is that I see, and it's confidence. More specifically they seem so natural, they way they move, talk, behave, interact with others. That's where the envy comes in, I wish I felt that natural.

The video I was watching she was talking about just letting the transition happen during the early stages. She didn't, she wanted to force it to happen sooner, recounting a time she was having fun and wishing she was fulling transitioned to enjoy it. She talked about how we keep that feminine side in a "shadow" before coming out and that shadow is what is coming to meet us as we transition. I didn't quite understand what she was talking about the first time I watched that video, but I get it now.

I have kept this feminine side in the dark for so long and by transitioning the parts that have really been kept in the dark are starting to scramble for light. I find myself right at the peak of this stage I think. I see myself not being confident, or feeling natural, and I know it shouldn't be that way. There is a woman I have made up that I know is me. I know because whenever I get an emotional handle on her I tear up. I can picture her perfectly, every movement, every action, her voice, everything. She's me, and I want to be her as badly as a little girl wants to be a princess.

To actually connect to her though seems impossible. I see in her what I see in these two trans people I've been talking about, particularly their confidence and dignity. You know, it's not impossible, it will just require me to break through a lot of self made barriers. God how I wish I could hold on to her but she's so in the distance that it's like I'm looking at someone else.

I guess this is exactly what Violet4151 was talking about, just let it go. I think I might be thinking too much about not thinking too much, lol. This is my next big step. I've set the table, so to speak. My appearance and voice are easily passable now, I have the support from friends and family, a therapist, HRT. It is approaching time to let out my personality.

This will be, I think, the second hardest thing I have done, or will do. It feels very much like coming out again. Like the first time was just giving people information and, even though I've been 24/7 for a month now, this time I'm showing everyone. The difference between telling people you are writing a book and letting them read it.