Feelings

I spent every day this weekend chatting with people on webcam. I got on the first day despite being terrified, and as usual fate has a tendency of shoving me right through my fears. I logged on at first thinking I would be showing my cam on a little sub-section of this site. That, of course, wasn't the case. I clicked on the little cam button, allow the site to access my cam, and bam! I'm broadcasting site wide.

God Dammit.

Anyway, as I've already said, it ended up going very well, and I'm not really here to talk about it again. I wanted to talk about the after effects. I'm lucky it seems, I pass well and people found me quite attractive. If you can believe what people say on the internet. True or not it  gave me a some confidence. I found myself in the kitchen dancing feeling, well...

Pretty.

I was dancing a few minutes before I noticed my feelings, and it made me gasp and hold my breath when I did. Then it washed over me, this is the comfortable feeling I have been searching for. I started to cry, then I started to smile, then I started to dance again. So there I was dancing, laughing, and crying.

To no music, mind you.

I've NEVER done that, I don 't dance, period.

What was astounding about it was the feeling didn't go away right away like it usually does. Usually the second I notice my own feelings I lose a handle on them, they just flutter away in a fog of analysis.

But this time, this time it didn't go away. I kept dancing, crying and laughing.. I must have looking like a total nut case, lol. I did have a few things to do so reality did creep in eventually, but what a feeling to have to think to myself  "Ok ok ok ok ok, watch breakfast or you'll burn it!." \

Anyway, I';m crying all over my keyboard here talking about this, so I'm going to go.

Take care

Memories

I hesitated writing this all day yesterday to the point that I didn't write it. It's a rather private topic, but thanks to the anonymity of the internet here we are. Sorry this one is a little serious.

Oh and it'll come with a little advice for friends of TG's.

I realized yesterday how much I hate my own genitalia, how long I've felt like this, and how well I've kept it from myself. I remember when I first came out a friend of a friend mentioned something about the "genital hatred" he assumed every TG had (not here suggesting he's correct btw, just happened to be so for me.). I basically laughed at my friend when they suggested it to me.

I was wrong about myself though. Something I find myself doing often these days. I was having quite a good day yesterday, I was dressed up and looking kinda hot. I was wearing a homemade gaff that started to be a little painful, pinching my penis. I put up with it for a while, but finally went to the bathroom and took care of it.When I was there I seen how much I was "hurting" my penis, it was red and clearly pinched hard, it took a while for the skin to fall back to where it would naturally rest. I just absorbed the pain and thought to myself while staring at my penis.

"Well fuck you, I should cut you off anyway."

And it hit me. Like a flood of memories I started to remember how many times I've thought that in my life. How many times I've tried to make it look like it's not there, how many times I wished something would happen to it/me to give me the excuse to get rid of it. I remember a year ago or so I "injured" my penis during sex (another story.) and I couldn't have sex for a while. I wasn't upset, I was relieved. Thank you, I don't have to fool with this thing anymore. I also thought that maybe this was it, maybe it would get worse instead of better, (because I barely took care of it.) and I'd be "forced" to have something done about it.

All my life I have had thoughts like those, ALL MY LIFE. and I really, I mean really, had no idea, and it's very disturbing. I intellectually know that this is very not "normal" to feel like this. Hating your own genitals is probably as incongruent to good mental health as anything could be. Imagine having a loathing over something that everyone uses to identify you, that everyone uses to identify themselves. It's how we all interact socially. And it's your genitals folks! Most people receive nothing but happiness/pleasure from them. I know all of that, but I utterly don't feel it and that's what's disturbing to me.

I suppose when you look at it these feelings would be "expected" from a trans person like myself. But here's the new flash folks. If we were given a choice, none of us would be TG. None of us would choose to have the self-loathing, the shattered social life, the hurricane that is called "transitioning". If I was given the choice, I'd be HAPPY with being born male, I wouldn't spend all of my life wondering why I feel the way I do with no answers.

So whenever something like this comes to light it hits me pretty hard. It's a painful, powerful reminder of how much I haven't been happy. It's like all the moments of dysphoria come stabbing through like so many little knives

I've already let this go too long, so I'll leave the advice for my next post. Thanks for reading this one, I hope it wasn't too much information.I'm not sure how helpful this post would be for any other TS either, this one was mostly therapeutic.

Cam time!

I was on a chat site today, on cam for the first time. You wouldn't think it of something so simple, but what an experience! I was very overwhelmed, I received a lot of responses, and praise, and I couldn't have a sensible conversation with any because I couldn't keep up with the hello's. It was eye opening at the least. One friendly chatter said hello in such a lovely way. Something like "You look beautiful, welcome to the world." and it almost made me cry on cam. Bitch! lol.

I do have to ask though.... some of the guys.... just... wtf?

I'm going down the list of hello's..

"Beautiful hon! love the hair!."

"looking good today sweetie!."

"slut needs cum up her ass."

Wait.. what? How.. what? I mean, does that work on anyone? Who are these women that read that and go "God, he just so GETS me!"

Or are these men so oblivious to their actions they keep going from girl to girl, never getting a response and ending their night pissed off, calling us all bitches? I mean I gave a reasonable shake at being a man, and I NEVER would have tried that to get someone's attention. Perhaps that's where I failed? lol

The other thing to consider is, where do you go from there? The climax is already here an gone, apparently. Maybe my response should be *lights a smoke*

Maybe, you know, these guys just have sex on the brain (I know I know... work with me here) as in they haven't cum in like a month or something and they know that really deep down they aren't thinking straight so they start at the end. Maybe what my smoking response would get would be "oh god thanks! So how are you dear?"

Anyway, some people are nuts I suppose.

Overall though, what a wonderful experience. Many good reactions, some almost overly good. I haven't been able to interact with many people because my voice is one of my strongest dysphoria triggers. Therefore, also one of my biggest blockers to going full-time. So getting to see all these people, letting them see me and being able to "talk" was... exhilarating.

Tonight when I'm going to bed I'm almost positive I'm going to bawl. I've never gotten attention like that before, ever, and it's something I've been secretly craving for most of my life. I don't know how to explain it to both sides of the blurry gender line. Women love attention, and I don't mean in a shallow way. I mean it's "how it works" in a sense, women "look" attractive to attract attention. Men give the attention, they take the initiative. So living as a man most of my life I was "expected" to give the attention, and didn't want to. I wasn't able to get attention, and I wanted it.

Today was the exact opposite of that.

The little things

If you could see my hair you'd understand my excitement right now. I started to grow it out after coming out but it started very short. Now it's finally long enough to do something with! Which is a good thing because what was starting to grow on my head was beginning to look troublesome.

It was coming down sorta straight on the sides until just before my ears. Then it would start this roller coaster like flip-twist toward the back of my head... straight back. Like I styled my hair in a wind tunnel with a hat on.

Picture a full-haired version of the famous Einstein picture...

But there is hope! I have discovered the hair straightener. It has been a learning process. Using something skin searingly hot to poke at your own head in a mirror is a learned skill... one that trains you quickly mind you, lol. I think I only burned the side of my head twice and the top of my ear once before it dawned on me

"Maybe the sides of this thing gets hot too..."

So that was a break-through.

Also, less dangerous but equally tricky is actually manipulating my hair in general while looking in a mirror. It seems there is no happy way for me to do this. If I don't look in the mirror I can't see what I'm doing. If I look in the mirror I just get to watch my hands and fingers simply not listen to me. I shave my face with no problems up, down, left, right, front, back I have those figured out I swear. However the second I put my hands over my head it's like my hand eye coordination says "Yeah... she doesn't need me now. I'll be waiting by her face."

I don't know how many times I need to try pinning my hair straight over to the side before I actually do that rather then pulling it almost straight to the front of my head before I get it right. I do know four tries isn't enough and try number five ended up mostly really sticking straight up and falling all over the place.

So that led me to give up trying to pin my hair up now while it's still pretty short. I have found that just unceremoniously shoving the straightener into my hair, using a comb to help me out on occasion, works for me.

It almost looks good enough now that I'll soon be going out without a wig. I can't wait for that, it'll make a big difference on how much trouble it is to be presenting as female 24/7. It's all about the little steps. :)

Sometimes The Clothes Do Not Make The Man

I have found myself listening to older music I used to listen to when I was younger, lately. Music has always been my refuge. I find it says things I feel or would say much better then I would, I can connect to the passion of the performer on a level I don't find in much else. I don't have a genre I listen to, I listen to passion. Though, honestly heavy metal or rock or the many spin offs of those groups have a near monopoly on passionate music. All of that angst, harsh lyrics, and driving beat must come from somewhere.

Anyway I went off on a bit of a tangent there... Music has always been a big part of me and I've recently realized the songs that have stuck with me over the years have been about learning about yourself or being true to yourself. I'm not sure if I realized it then, when I first heard some of these songs, what the lyrics were saying, but I think on some level I did.

Freedom '90 by George Micheal is one song that has stuck with me. From my understanding it's about his break away from Wham!, giving up "selling out", and starting to be true to himself, including coming out as gay. Lyrical interpretation being what it is, I'm not claiming to know what the man is trying to say but there are a lot of lines that speak to me in that context.

Lines like
            "Heaven knows I was just a young boy didn't know what I wanted to be. I was every little hungry schoolgirls pride and joy and I guess it was enough for me."

This makes me think about how much I was liked as a little kid, really how much I was liked most of my pre-high school days. I was a bit of a hit with the girls, but way too oblivious to know what was going on. I didn't know what I wanted though, but the popularity was nice, I just simply didn't feel it.. I was so well liked I could almost do no wrong.

The beginning of grade nine was when my depression hit me. Brought to everyone's attention one day in math class when I was asked to help another student and I simply said "No." and turned back around to my friend I was talking to. I was a complete wiz at math so my teacher couldn't really say "Turn around and do your work." She knew I had it done, and if I didn't I could just tell her the answer anyway. Not only that, but it was shocking that "Becky" just did that. The whole class went silent, even my friend took a second to respond to me talking directly to him.

I was called down to the guidance counselor the next day.

Back to the song, the whole bridge feels like it's talking about me:

 I think there's something you should know
 I think it's time I told you so
 There's something deep inside of me
 There's someone else I got to be
 Take back your picture in the frame
 Take back your singing in the rain
 I just hope you understand,
 Sometimes the clothes do not make the man

I guess I should say it feels like it's talking FOR me. I do like deep poetry, but this really is just a pretty way of shoving what I want to say down your throat. There's a deeper me no one knows, a me that's not in the picture you have of me on the mantle. I'm tired of the feigned happiness. I'm sorry but I've been wearing the wrong clothes for too long, and I have to stop.

Hello and Welcome!

Well hello everyone, thanks for stopping by my little slice of the web.

So who the hell am I? I am a 30something year old transsexual that has been living in Newfoundland all my life, save for a few years. I came out to my partner in May of this year, and to my parents shortly after. After those main people in my life knew my "big secret" it has been a process of letting others know, and slowly coming out of my shell.

I have been lucky, very lucky compared to other trans people. I came out to my family, friends, really everyone in my life, and I have had no negative responses. Many transsexuals lose their friends and family. I have had nothing but support from the people I care about. They say though that no transition is easy, and it has become apparent that I am my own worse enemy, years of hiding this from everyone including myself has done it's damage.

Both of those reasons is why I'm here. People blog, why do people blog? It's therapeutic, so there's that. Also, I know there are many people out there with no support, people who are too afraid to come out, or people who have and find themselves in the horrible situation of losing friends and/or family for wanting to be themselves. I don't mind answering questions, either in private or through this blog. Often though just reading that someone else is going through what you are going through, feeling the feelings you are feeling, can give you that little push to get through the day.

So again, welcome. I'll slowly start to figure this blog business out and I'll try to make it not look like crap too, promise. ;)