Venom

Before I came out I was a fairly angry person. If you would have told me that then, I would have gotten angry while I denied it. I don't really want to call it that right now though either, back then I was lashing out. I felt trapped, judged and persecuted, the only thing I had left was to defend myself vehemently. It was also always covered in a cloud of emotion, I was acting on survival.

I don't feel right saying I was angry then because I'm angry right now and it's not the same as then.

I was laying in bed last night thinking about something I had said in a previous post. Over a week ago I mentioned how I had long hair and every single person in my life told me to cut it. It has been on my mind ever since. 

I loved my hair back then. I remember honestly feeling like it was the only part of me I didn't hate, which thinking back, makes complete sense because it was the only thing about me that was decidedly feminine. I took good care of it (until I started thinking only girls take care of their hair, and I had to keep the lie), I found it comforting, I used to snuggle up to my own hair when going to bed some times even. I loved it about me, and everyone, EV-ER-Y-ONE hated it about me. 

How many times did I hear, "get a haircut."? That fucking song was popular then too, "Get a haircut and get a real job.", you would swear I had a DJ following me around I heard that so much. I don't know how I managed to keep my hair for so long. I was in a constant stream of hits to my ego, I really, no exaggeration, didn't go a day without some negative reaction to my hair. 

How could something so simple cause people to just shut off their compassion and make sure you knew this is something they don't approve of? How the fuck does it effect you any way? Are you a fucking hair stylist and you want my money? Collecting hair for a wig? Back the fuck up.

God I wish I had the ability to stand up for myself then that I do now. Everyone's argument was always the same. "You look like a girl." That will show you the difference between people in newfoundland then and what they are like now. Back then the haters got the support, not the hated. 

I remember the day I cut my hair perfectly clearly,  it was 13 years ago. I remember sitting in the chair getting my hair cut. It was with a hairstylist who knew me and my family well enough. She was in my life so therefore she was one of the advocates of me getting my hair cut. I just sat there forcing smiles listing to this bitch tell me how it's about time I cut my hair, and I  look so much better now, etc etc. I felt awful. I felt like I just gave up part of my soul. The fact that I was finally breaking under the pressure was no small thing to me. I really felt empty after that. I cried the whole walk home, feeling the back of my head like an amputee victim. Then trying to suck it up before I walked into my house so I wouldn't have to explain to my parents why cutting my hair made me feel like I wasn't alive any more, like I was completely alone. Not just alone but alone because everyone wanted me by myself.

Was that everyone's goal? All these people that made fun of me and my hair, was that what you wanted, to make me feel like that? These ignorant simpletons have caused me years and years of pain, self doubt, self hate, lost friendships, lost relationships...

Who were these simpletons? Teachers, friends, cousins, brothers, parents, aunts, uncles, counsellors, girlfriends, store clerks, complete strangers, bank tellers, employers the list goes on.. Ignorance and conformity claiming every one of them. 

I want to find all of these people and yell at them until it makes them feel all of my pain. See if any of them give a fuck about the torture they inflicted on me over such a small stupid thing. Are any of them going to die thinking "I haven't done much in my life but at least I got that kid to cut her (I guess they'd say "his") hair in 2000."

Fuck you, fuck all of you people who think everyone/anyone needs to conform with the way you want your life to be. Fuck you people who are too simple minded to be able to handle someone different walking into your sterilized life. What would any of you do if you had to go through what you forced me to go through, where would you be?

I like to think I'm stronger then you, and you'd be in the ground now, weakling.

Struggle Within

After barely getting something written yesterday I spent most of what was left of my night thinking about what sort of things I could write about. As I've said, one of the main reasons I'm writing this blog is for new TG's to be able to see another TG going through what they are going through. I have been there and it can help you feel not so alone to know others are feeling the same as you.

So this post is directed toward the trans that are right at the cusp so to speak. People who are right now, or very soon will be thinking of every possible outcome of telling the one person you've decided to tell first. All my years not telling anyone has been a burden, and has done it's significant damage, but the few weeks to a month right before I told my partner was unbelievably hard. Forcing myself to face my biggest fear and enemy triggered every single "survival mode" thought that I could have. 

I very carefully selected who the first person I told was. It seems like I didn't, like I told my partner because she was the one who was around at the time, but that is not the case. If I didn't think she was the one, I would have eventually left, either the relationship or this world. 

Chances are you out there are doing, or have done, the same. If not, I don't know how to help you find someone, I'm sorry. There is a very good chance though you have one friend you can tell, one friend that doesn't think this is "weird" or has stuck with you through difficult times in the past. Drama free and practical, those were important qualities for me to find. If you can't find a friend, or family member there are always professionals. It is amazing how much less hard it is after telling just one person. Just to say those words to someone, anyone, will be somewhat relieving.

Like I said, I'm a little more talking to those who are on the edge of telling someone. I remember the constant, intense back and forth I would do. I'll tell her, no I'll leave.. no I'll tell her, no I'd be better of dead, maybe I'll tell her, leave, and die. The hardest thing about it is I still wasn't sure I was right. At that time I only had my feelings and years and years of utter depression. 

So how did I do it, and what did I find out along the way? Well how I've kinda mentioned before. Like I said I still wasn't sure, but I did have to reach a point that I felt like it was more true then false, that I am transgender. I realized I had finally started to believe that one day I was talking to my brother. He was going through a hard period in his life at the time and through talking he professed to me, "I hate myself." (he seems to be ok now, btw.) I felt for him right away, I know what it's like to hate yourself, and I'd hazard to say on a different level then the self hate he was going through, not to diminish his feelings, of course. I didn't know what to say because it was one of those times where I felt like if I said too much I'd give myself away. What I did find myself saying was crazy enough. I looked at him with as much compassion as I could past the sadness of the reality I was thinking about and said "I know how you feel trust me. Maybe I'll tell you some time."

I couldn't believe I had just said that. I understood what I was saying the moment after I said it. That little sentence was the most ever that I have ever given anyone any idea of the turmoil going on inside me. It also made me realize, I'm doing this, I'm going to start telling people. It managed to show me a little something else too, it felt good to tell someone even a little, "ya know, I'm not ok." but I also felt bad that I had not told him all of it. I remember getting in the car and thinking "I'll be back to talk about that."

That conversation was about six or seven months ago. As minor as it was, it was the crack in the shell that ultimately broke it open. I would think back to that moment from time to time tell myself I decided then to tell someone. My task now was to get the courage to tell my partner. 

I didn't feel when that change happened, when my constant self arguing switched from "Am I transgender or not?" to "How will I possibly tell someone?" but I do remember noticing that it had. That gave me courage. 

How did I get there? Well for me it was a long time. Ever since I could search for information on the internet I looked for anything related to being transgender. So approximately from 1998 until four to six months ago, that's all it took to convince myself...

Seriously though, I would constantly look for, well, things like this blog. People talking about their transgender experience, the effects of hormones, how to get hormones, all sorts of things. I would love looking at pictures of very passable trans-women, I thought they were just perfect. I'd also compare them to myself, like they are roughly my height/weight or my age or what ever just to feel even a little bit like them, the slightest bit of validation.

I didn't just look up information about being transgender, I looked up so many other possibilities. Maybe I'm not transgender, maybe I'm *this*, or maybe *this* happened. 

Before I started talking about those I want to say. Unfortunately after I came out was when I started seeing these excuses in other people and realizing, "Oh god, same here!." They are almost always written by trans people after they came out, perhaps like myself, they only seen them for what they were after they had the clarity to look back. Of course, I'd also say few struggling, in the closet transgender's are creating blogs to write about it. Anyway...

I'd look up ideas like, maybe I was born a hermaphrodite and my parents made a decision, or I had some surgery in some way. (the vein that goes from your penis to your anus being my "scar") I used to sexualise my transition often, in fact it became my biggest fantasy eventually. So I'd tell myself often that that was all it was, a sexual fantasy I haven't had the chance to do. That was my biggest blocker to my accepting I was trans, how much I turned it into fantasy. Linked to that I'd tell myself I was "just" a transvestite, or just a guy who likes panties.

Other excuses I used to come up with are:
I'm submissive (bdsm submissive) in bed, I just want to be told to do that
I'm gay and the only way I feel ok with it is if I'm a woman, so I'm not really trans, I'm just gay and I need to get over "not wanting to be gay" and then I'll be ok with being a gay man.
I've done poorly in life so I'm just using this as an "out" of some kind.
I'm jealous of women, so I just want to be one.

I'd come up with more with time,I'm sure.

There was one sentence I read while going through someone's blog that I wish I read 5-10 years ago. I read it somewhere around starting to come out. It was something like,

"Cis people don't spend their entire lives asking themselves if they are transgender."

Brilliant. Of course that only applies to those like me who come out late in life. And while I can't say with 100% certainty it's a true statement, it sure feels like it. Either way it was enough to convince me. It really was that combination of words that started to make things click.

I've been asking this question to myself as long as I can remember and I've been trying to work with every answer other then the one I'm mostly sure is true. I realize I've lived with and attached myself to doubt my entire life. It became my little motto for a while, "I've tried doubt all this time, it is time to try something else."

I hope that helped someone. I'd like to think if I read something like this post a few years ago, I would have been more sure of myself sooner. Seeing the familiarities of my thoughts and excuses would have help greatly.

I'm going to give some direct advice, which I usually like to avoid. If much of this resonates with you find someone to talk to. A friend, a doctor, a therapist, family member, trans support groups (there are lots online, and most likely some in your community.) or random trans people online, chat rooms etc are easy to find. Who ever it is, find someone to talk to.

Feel Me

I've been poking around my blog here trying to come up with something to write about for most of the day off and on. I seen my therapist today and I guess talking to her filled my "express myself" need for the day and I just haven't gotten the juices flowing.

I came across my post last month about feeling pretty for roughly the first time, so with the lack of much else to talk about I thought I'd give an update of sorts about my feelings.

I'm not sure how much the hormones have to do directly with bringing out my emotions, or feelings or whatever in the same sense that they are directly changing my skin. It's a bit of a chicken and the egg sort of situation. Am I able to feel more now because that's an effect of the estrogen, or is it because the other obvious effect it has has quieted my head enough that I can feel them more closely?

I'm inclined to think more the latter. There have been lots of subtle changes in me that make me think so. For example colors (wait a bit for those who know me to stop laughing) I'm "seeing" more colors now. I was even told the same by another trans person "colors will become more beautiful." or something like that, and I wasn't convinced, but it's somewhat true I'm seeing more colors.

Here's the truth though, I'm not black/white color blind but I have like.... seven colors on my palette lol. An exaggeration, of course, but my color vision is poor. I don't see more colors, I CARE about colors now. It matters to me what colors I'm wearing because of how they match me, or each other, or how some colors just look better in places then others... what ever. I'm still mix and matching the same seven colors, but I'm aware there are seven now, not black, white, grey +2.

What ever the case may be ultimately it has come down to a quieting of my dysphoria. Now that it isn't in the driver seat as much, or as often, it is basically freeing up my mind to be concerned about other things. I guess I'm the one who has made my own feelings my priority but it is the first time I have had access to them and I'm deciding to listen to them.

Some strange things too. For example I have always liked watching combat, I'm a fan of martial arts, whatever, and I still do. But I really can't handle watching butchery any more, or torture, the gratuitous gore and pain that you see in whichever media you turn on. My partner was watching something that I normally would have watched just too see what happened, but I couldn't even look at the screen, I didn't even want to hear what was going on.

I'm not sure if this belongs with feelings but I really have the desire to be social now. That is a complete turn around for me. Kinda related to that is video games. I've played my PS3 to death, poor thing, but these days I feel barely inclined to pick it up. I've watched more netflix in the last week then I have the entire year.

I guess that doesn't really sound like feelings but it's what I'm using to judge. I come downstairs, no one's home, I look at the PS3 and go... naahh. and flick on something to watch. Same with a lot of things. Things that may mean nothing to others but are great to me. Like not shaving my legs.... right. It wasn't long ago that if I felt my legs needed to be shaved there was no waiting until tomorrow, it got done now. Today for example, I was going to get a shower and I felt my leg and sure enough I needed to shave.

But I had stuff to do, and I was feeling lazy so, meh. Tomorrow.

Something as simple as that would trigger my dysphoria before. I'd start thinking things like "Why aren't you shaving your legs? Not much of a girl." feeling like I had to prove it to myself or I was proving I wasn't and that would spiral to a not happy place.

I'm much more relaxed now. Every thing I do isn't proving something to me about myself. In that calm I'm starting to organize my thoughts and emotions. From each other if nothing else.With the dysphoria at bay it has allowed me to do that, it wasn't so easy before. After talking to my therapist I've realized as the dysphoria goes away I'm slowly starting to make an identity for myself, finally.

Ugh, I feel like I'm struggling today so I'm going to stop here. I'd almost like to leave this an open post some how because the wonderful "new me" emotions I have are frequent but fleeting at this stage, it is difficult to remember good examples.

The Silent Conductor

If you look around on just about any forum or blog related to trans issues there are a few common themes among all the stories. Just about every TG talks about sacrifices they have had to make for their transition. I felt a little guilt, to be honest, that I have lost nothing since coming out. I've had no negative reactions from family or friends, I've even gained more then I had before.

Even my transition itself has been rapid and without many problems. I came out five months ago and I've been full time now roughly three weeks. Four months and the change is fairly drastic. It seems it's fairly surprising to people who know me, but I couldn't have it any other way. At the beginning of my transition if I could see any of the old me while presenting female it wasn't good enough.

I'm off track again. I was talking to my partner about where I am in life right now, basically. I was feeling down because, well, I don't have much. Not to draw a line down the family home but I brought little more then my baggage to this house, (literally and figuratively). I have no job now, and my career doesn't seem like something I'm going to be falling back on. Even emotionally and sexually I feel like I'm brand new, I don't bring much real world experience with either of those things any more.

She started to explain to me how I put myself in this situation. Yes I have nothing, but I am also starting over again, a clean slate so to speak. As she said it "Your brain was looking out for you even if you weren't."

That started to make me understand my past a little (itsy-bit) more. I guess she's right, I made my sacrifices before coming out, even if I didn't realize it. I wonder if that is something the brain actually does, if so I think I'm a good example.

Leaving your past behind is something a lot of trans people do. I've been told of people who, partially through transitioning, just left their... everything. Spouses, kids, careers, family, friends all left either in some combination or all of them by different transgender people. I see the appeal, even now. All of those things are a stark reminder of a time you want to forget. I sacrificed my past long ago, and I didn't bother starting to make a future. In fact my last 15 years or so is a series of building a small amount of friends and connections and just walking away from all of them at once.

I know I'm young so I take this at least a little more lightly then it sounds but I sacrificed my future as well. My education being a good example. Excuse the mild boasting but I think I'm rather intelligent, creative, a problem solver, several things to have been well educated and, well, at least accomplish that. My problem was I didn't want to apply any of that to something like school. The only education I was interested in was self education and I used everything around me to do it. I jumped around to every possible course you could think of in university and it took me a while but I found out I wasn't finding what I wanted there. I realized I wasn't going to find it in any school system. I had to experience life which caused me to head to Atlanta.

I don't know if what I did with my education is directly linked to my financial situation, but I suppose they could be. Even if not I made some sacrifices there too. I never had a steady job, difficult to do when you are leaving groups of people at a time. Also, as I started being more destructive to myself, I became more difficult employee. I may have burned some bridges, but I may have done that to myself on purpose.

I just see how all of these things would not have been if I wasn't TG, but my partner looked at it another way. I did all the things I've done to set myself for this transition. I stopped going to school before my debt became much. I haven't settled down in any way so I didn't get a large group of friends and connections to have to explain this to. I don't have a career I have to worry about ruining because they may or may not accept me. In the long run everything I've done was preparing myself for my transition, even if I didn't consciously make the decision.

A part of me still needs to get over how I've had little choice. Not to abolish myself of any responsibility but I didn't choose to be transgender, and I guess I didn't really have much choice on how to deal with it. I wish I came out earlier, but I have no reason to think that would have been better. It just appeals to me now because I would rather have felt like this for more of my life then not, I feel a little cheated.

There's a lot more to this then would be coherent to write down. I keep having memories of decisions and results and how they relate to be transgender. As one friend put it "It explains a lot.". I would say that before, but honestly I was always thinking from their perspective. It explains that much more to myself, and I'm seeing it now that I'm starting to look.

My older friends have asked what I've been doing over the last 15 years. My newer friends probably wonder about my past. I normally sum it up with "I've been figuring myself out." But this is what I've been doing. Going from pocket to pocket of people and lifestyles trying to understand who I am.

I'm at a time in peoples lives that they have honed or at least started to sharpen their expertise either by mistake or on purpose. It seems to me the only expertise I've honed is self reflection, and even that statement seems a little shady to me as I find out more and more that I don't know about myself.

I guess I should be grateful for the life I have apparently orchestrated. I have a supporting partner and family but little to no ties to much of any else. I can choose my career from here, my lifestyle, my friends. I can learn who I am with little pressure from the outside world. I think the key thing I need to remember is I haven't been transitioning for five months, it has been all of my life. This is how the music is played, now I'm performing the crescendo.

Let Her Cry

I've mentioned before how often when I'm having a worse then usual day I come out at the end of it with some sort of silver lining. Yesterday's post was a rather emotionally charged post for me, and it was a hard day but a little something else happened at the same time and I am better for it. I was going to write about this yesterday, but well then things happened.

A few days ago now I woke up fairly slowly, rolling over to snuggle my blanket for two minutes before getting out of bed. When I did I sort of snuggled myself. I was naked and I started running my hands all over my skin.

It felt so... comfortable. I've mentioned before that, right now at least, the change in my skin is the biggest thing that makes me feel feminine. Usually though, I don't feel feminine when naked, but that morning I did. I practically hugged myself with such a content smile on my face, I loved the feeling I was having. Like my body is starting to feel right.

It was the same day I found my breasts more sensitive, and like I said those feelings tend not to stick around. I spend most of my time dressed though so I felt feminine most of the day and even off and on while naked or partially naked.

It was a difficult day yesterday. I talked to one old friend and it went well, but the day was filled with a lot of hard memories and thoughts, very emotional. It was late last night after I started to settle down a bit I realized I felt feminine the whole time, I still did. Usually that sort of emotional day the dysphoria can get it's grip easily if not for sure. I didn't really waver much this time. This time I just felt sad, I was a sad woman.

That was a revelation. It wasn't even it's usual "staggering" it just felt good. I analyze myself like I'm trouble-shooting a computer and seeing that I was feminine while so upset was reassuring. I really feel the dysphoria slipping away now and a bad day like that with such a safe underlining feeling shines the spotlight on it for me.

I've heard other TG before talk about the dysphoria just "going away" after starting HRT. Most of them didn't say, that I recall, but I usually got the impression they felt it all but instantly. I'm on my fourth month of HRT now and the dysphoria is starting o just go away, and quite honestly it feels relatively instant compared to how long it has been a part of me.

I can't say it's all gone, I would imagine it will be all gone for a while before I actually notice it, but when I do it'll be an emotional day. This is a burden I've had with me all of my life to finally be free of it's weight will be.. well I don't know. I'll describe it when it happens.

My partner finds it hard to watch me on days like yesterday. I spent most of the day crying, at one point I looked down to the floor to see a puddle of tears, not a lot of splats all over, a puddle I soaked up with a towel. I tell her it's ok, I want days like this. I've learned the value of being sad about something, or myself. Often it leads me to the proverbial "light at the end of the tunnel." Besides that, it feels amazing to feel again. It felt so good to just feel sad for lost friends, like you should, rather then hating myself for it. It felt good to just cry and not feel like I shouldn't be. I'm starting to enjoy the full spectrum of emotions, and I'm starting to want to, finally.

Terrestrial Alien

I feel like a broken human being this morning. Not the broken that comes from torture or something but "broken' like something isn't working right.

There are a few things today that are contributing to this feeling. First of all, yesterday I tried to get in contact with the majority of my high school friends through facebook. It was, and still is very difficult. It was one of those moments I just shut my eyes and went on. I haven't spoken to these people in 15 years, and 15 years ago I just walked away, no good-bye's, no I'll see you soon, not even a "hey did I mention I'm leaving?". I didn't even do that for most of my family. One day they were talking to me, the next I was in another country.

I felt just as bad then as I do now. I cared about them all but didn't think they cared about me enough for me to try to explain what I was going through (self hate, the helmsman). The only reason I can bring myself to come back to them and say I'm sorry is because I'm transitioning so I have something to show them.

I very deeply want to talk to them, tell them about me, maybe help explain why I was the way I was. I want people who knew me such a long time ago, who were my best friends, to finally get to know ME. Mainly I want acceptance from the people that accepted me before against all odds. I'm so scared to ask for it though.

Facebook isn't much of a measuring stick but I see from it that all of my friends seem to really have their shit together. Thirty-five years old and they are sitting comfortably in life, letting it go around them, taking what they need/want as they desire. I feel like I'm six years old struggling to make sense of anything and wanting so desperately to grow up.

I just don't want to fight anymore, with myself, my partner, with imaginary encounters. I keep preparing myself to defend myself against what my friends may say, things I have no reason to think they would. I used to feel very, aggressive for lack of better words, when it came to things I believed in, including defending myself.  The last few weeks my feelings about that have changed, I have no more points to prove, no desire to make people think I'm right. I just want to live life, not prove my personality, or my beliefs, or desires, or my gender. I feel like I have a different perspective on life, I think that's fair to say. Before, I would want to tell everyone that perspective, now I just want to make it make sense to me and feel free of any obligation to make it make sense to anyone else.

So as a person this morning, I feel quite lacking. There is more to this feeling today too. Last night and this morning I was intimate with my partner, the first time in a while. I enjoyed it, more then I have in the past to be honest. I even got an erection, the first time in several weeks, and for a moment I thought "Hey not bad, I can be turned on still." but it was quickly followed by what I think is left of my dysphoria. I felt awful that it felt good, I felt like that is a feeling I didn't want to feel, the physical feeling of being hard. Then my partner started caressing me and it felt.... I can't describe it... electric. It felt so good, and it has been so long, that I started to cry.

 All of those emotions at the same time about my erection and being touched was really too much. When my mind inevitably brought the thoughts about my friends into the equation I felt broken. It feels like nothing about me works the way it should. I know I'm not like the majority of humans, I know my emotions are clouded, I know I don't really fit with the rest of the world.

I just want to stop feeling it.

HRT Effect Update

The one thing that has been "behind" in developing for me are my breasts, I have a small A so its not like I have nothing, but them becoming more sensitive is usually one of the first changes you start to notice. As I have mentioned, that's not the case for me.

However, it started today. Well I guess it started yesterday. Going to bed last night I thought my nipples felt more sensitive but I wasn't convinced. While in the shower though, as I turned around to reach for something  the hot water on my breasts felt the heat much more. The rest felt wet, the area almost perfectly covering my breasts felt hot. I wasn't doing it on purpose and I turned away from the water with the speed of someone not intending on being in it anyway but the sensation surprised me. I went back in to test it, and yep, more sensitive.

So I'm pretty happy today. I actually felt feminine while naked today, that is a first for me. I do wish I knew for sure that these feelings will stay around, but they don't always. I find I need to feel them a few times before I really start believing it.

Anyway, a quick one today, take care :)

Trepidation

This is going to be LONG... pack a lunch.

I have been afraid a few times in my life. I guess I don't mean afraid, a wasp getting a little too close to my ear makes me afraid. I mean I've felt terror a few times.

Once, during my stay in Atlanta, I experienced my first tornado. It was touching down and causing mayhem all over the area I was living in. Of course I was living in a trailer so I expected the tornado to come looking for me. I've been afraid while driving in a car before, almost getting in accidents.. getting in accidents, but that was the first time I felt terror. The weather had changed to something I wasn't familiar with it was dark, cloudy, and the air felt "heavy" I don't know how else to describe it. I was was honestly terrified of impending death.

There are some who think that the fear of death is the ultimate manifestation of humanity's fear of being alone. I tend to agree with those people. The other time I felt terror was when I told my partner I am transgender for the first time. I've mentioned this before but today I want to tell you about the days before and after as well.

At first my relationship with my partner was nothing short of perfect. Not just the very beginning either, I mean like a year and a half in and we still couldn't believe how lucky we were to have found each other. Well I've said it before, the best relationship of my life. We would joke how the dreaded two year mark was coming up and we're just going to blow right through it.

However it was that two year mark coming up soon that started to get me to seriously look at telling her about me. I felt bad enough for not telling her already. To go on in a relationship keeping a secret that, I believed anyway, could very easily end  it all really did make me feel awful. So I had a decision to make.

I started thinking very hard about if or how or anything my mind could conjure about telling her. I thought of every scenario imaginable. I would wonder if I should tell her everything, or just try to get some solace for my femininity. For example, I thought maybe I could just tell her I like panties, or tell her I want to see what it feels like to shave my body and have it close to hers. Anything and everything but the entire truth. All of those options seemed less painful for me then the truth.

But the two year mark was looming over me and I had to make a decision. I honestly felt if I was going to end the relationship I should do it by then, going on much longer would be more then unfair, it would be flat out cruel. That was the only thing driving me to tell her. I had three options with four outcomes.

Not tell her and lie to her and myself all my life. I knew at this point that this wasn't an option. I couldn't lie to myself anymore. It took my partner going on vacation with the kiddo for a week for that to happen. I spent the time while she was gone dressing up, and it was a sober, conscious decision. I made a TG account on a dating site before hand so I could get on and chat with people. I started wearing all feminine clothes the day my partner left and only didn't if I had to go out, which I had gotten vacation as well for a few days, not all of that week, but they were the days at the end. I did talk to some others, even spent a little time "fooling around" online as a TG. Through the week I felt too good to really be concerned with why I was doing what I was doing, until vacation was almost over. The last night I spent dressed, I was very sad. I didn't get online, I just sat in my room, as feminine looking as I could manage at the time and just thought. It did take me a while to understand, it took me until the next day in fact. I woke up and started taking everything off thinking to myself  "This is the last time I'll do this... or I tell her."

I didn't cry, no crying is what I'm doing while typing this. I died a little. That was when I realized I couldn't lie to myself anymore.

Leave her. This was an option for a while, I'm very sorry to say. It is what I have done with every relationship that ended by my decision. I loved every single one of them, but I hated myself too much to stay with them. Some of them know now, I wonder if they understand..

Anyway I digress. Leaving my partner felt just as awful as lying to myself. I just could't do it again. I was starting to feel the weight of my life long dilemma and I knew if I left her, I wouldn't be alive right now. Not just because of that either, but not this woman, no. She deserved so much more then my walking away. I almost felt obligated to tell her in light of leaving her. Eventually my emotions panned out to feeling that leaving her and killing myself were the same decision, literally and figuratively.  Not that killing myself wasn't an option, it just wasn't what I was trying to decide right now

The final options was to tell her. While the other options felt awful, this one terrified me. I had no idea what her reaction was going to be., she may be fine with it, or maybe not. I never once thought she'd leave me in some fit of ignorance, she is just not that person. I couldn't help but feel understanding if it was something she just couldn't deal with. While I had no real idea what I was about to start, I knew it wasn't easy, and she did too. That along with the idea that I lied to her all this time, that she was going to have to lose someone she has become very attached to because that someone is really only a shadow of the person she thought she knew.  I made every excuse not to tell her and tried to think of a million ways to tell her without telling her.

What was also happening was our relationship was starting to get rough. It was completely my fault and I knew it was happening, but I didn't know how to answer her questions of "what has happened?" The things I were thinking about, being transgender, my relationship, my future... or lack there of, left me uninterested in sex, or really much of anything. Relationship stress like that tends to increase exponentially I find, and I think I got a little lucky with my timing. I had known I was going to tell her for about a week when she tried to initiate sex one morning and I was obviously not interested, again. This time she confronted me, she didn't "demand" I tell her what was wrong but I could feel the urgency she had.

I thought "This is it." There was no better time, like any time is good, and I instantly was terrified. I couldn't talk, I started to cry, I thought I was just about to end everything with this perfect woman, it's hard enough to push people away while you still love them, I didn't want to know what it felt like to get left behind because I told someone I love who I really was. That was what sank my heart when it came down too it. To be left alone for sharing this about myself. I fully expected it, but I was utterly not prepared for it if it happened. Frankly I seen suicide in my not to distant future if it went that way.

That is what it came down to. Every thing I thought, every option I came up with, every path I followed led to my death. I had one option, only one in a world full of options, that left me still alive, and that was telling someone, anyone, everyone.... myself.

I honestly don't know how I managed to say those words. She approached me when it became obvious I wasn't about to have a "talk" but I was about to tell her something huge. She held me and I just bawled for a while. When I could finally talk, though barely, I looked at her and said it,

"I am transgender."

I don't remember exactly the words she said, mainly because everything then felt like a dream, but I think it was something like "Is that all?" That made me feel good and bad at the same time. She was more then ok with what I told her but she just made my life long secret feel unimportant. It wasn't intentional and I think she noticed, she said she thought I had been abused or something. In her mind that was worse, in my mind I thought "I wish that was it."

We talked after that, for a while. She asked a lot of the usual questions, and I answered as best I could. I wasn't terrified anymore, I felt like I just came from the gym. The rest of that day was a disaster that had nothing to do with me. What a day, broken deep freeze, et. al. sort of day. It did give us a forced downtime after the talk we had and I think it took her mind of it, it was never off mine.

My partner came home not long after I told her saying she had just stopped into planned parenthood. She had the names of the three professionals I'm seeing now and had already been talking to one who I had to call to get referred, an appointment, etc.

I was actually dumbfounded. For one, I knew my partner was feeling more then just fine about this, but she jumped right on top of it, she made more of my starting efforts then I did. That was great, mind you, because I was in a haze, I was a few days before it sunk in what I had done. The other reason was that it just seemed surreal. I had thought about self prescribing hormones several times, even tried getting illegal ones once. I had tried several options to feminize myself. I even had a meeting set up with a man in toronto who was going to give me a place to live, pay for everything and help me transition in exchange for more or less being a maid and, well, sexual favours.

I actually just remembered that while typing this... oh my.

I didn't have the courage to do that.. or I had the good sense not to, which ever it was. There I was though staring at a number and three names to get this started, AND my partner is the one who just made that happen. It was something I was positive was never going to happen, even at that point. I'm pretty good at going through the motions of encounters but I have no idea what I said then or how I acted, or how it was received because I was stunned. I called the number and talked to my social worker for the first time. He set up a referral to my therapist, and I made an appointment with my GP.

I told my parents a week later and I was about to get into that here too but I've gone long enough.

Friendly Vampires

I've been busy most of the morning so I'm just getting a chance to sit down now to write something. All I can really think about though is today so far, what a great day :)

First thing I needed to do today was see my therapist, I rather enjoy talking to her. I'm almost always in a good mood afterward, well feeling better at least, lol. That's an hour-ish of my life that just zips by, but I wasn't really excited to do what I had to do after. I was off to get a blood test done, and also a sperm count. Well what happens is they give you a container to bring home so I wasn't concerned about that, just the waiting and the needle poking.

But the blood test ended up being such a great experience, its what I'm here all giddy about.

I walked in and waited to talk to the receptionist and as I looked around I seen there was quite a few people there. The reason I had gone there was it wasn't usually such a busy spot. Anyway, I had to wait for a while, you have to take a number to talk to the receptionist then wait again for the nurses, so... yeah.

Anyway, when I eventually made it up there I handed my requisition to her and she just stared at it. Looked up at me and said..

"Are you sure you have the right requisition?"

"Yes."

"So you are picking up THAT for your husband?"

"No that's for me."

I could watch her brain take a while to figure it out as she glanced between the paper and me a few times.

"Oh. I'm sorry.... Rebecca is it?"

"Yes." then the fear of being "caught" started to go away and I just realized what happened, and I could see she felt bad, so I thought I'd say something. ".....and thank you!"

Once she knew what was going on it was business as usual. This is the same hospital my therapist is in, so these people deal with trans individuals regularly. Just as I was thinking how odd it was that it really took her time to figure it out, considering, she looked at me and said.

"Well that will tell you, I usually can tell with these things." like she was reading my mind and answering my question. Yes she deals with transgender people all the time and yes she had no idea.

She took care of all my things and I sat down to wait. I was so pleased with myself and there was no one around to share it with so I was about to burst, lol. I let it out in little bits in the form of excited texts to my partner while I waited.

It seemed, now I may be wrong, but it seemed like I caused a bit of a buzz among the nurses. When my name was called I seen one nurse poke her head out, and another crossed my path looking me up and down the whole time. A third nurse led me to her little blood-sucking station and treated me... different. I don't know how to explain it. A mindful, calm, understanding respect with maybe a little bit of awe or impressed. I've been around nurses before, or maybe that was just her way, but I felt treated differently, in a good way.

She poked me with her needle and explained a few things to me, I felt catered too honestly. Like the only real effort I made was taking off my purse and coat, and putting them back on. Even the little cups I needed was handed to me as I turned around. As she was leaving she leaned in and said,

"You look great by the way."

I couldn't help but have a huge grin on my face while I thanked her. As I was leaving the receptionist caught my attention and said to me, "Sorry about that."

I responded with a smile, a half chuckle and said "Oh, no problem." as I was going out the door. What I should have done was turn around and walk back to her and tell her she just made my day, don't be sorry.

Anyway, enough of me talking about how good I look :p

I'll be back tomorrow.

Luxurious Architect

I was walking down the stairs, with no idea what to write about today until I logged into facebook. A friend had posted something that got me thinking and I want to share it with you.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/petra-collins/why-instagram-censored-my-body_b_4118416.html

The TL;DR version is instagram deleted her account because she had a pic of herself in a bikini bottom without having her pubic hair trimmed. The main point she was getting at though was the censorship and hate of the female body by society and the media.

She is absolutely right, it shows us how primitive of a species we are that we are afraid of the female body. Not to get into it too much but this goes much deeper then our society in the 21st century. Not every, but "every" society has some kind of fear toward the female body. Any religion, in any area (again, "any") can be used as a perfect example. Even Buddha wasn't born naturally, but from a slit in the stomach and/or his mother dies after birth. (according to Christopher Hitchens). I don't have the time to get into christianity about the same thing.

Anyway, not here for a history lesson. The article made me think about the ridicule and shaming I had received. Honestly I had it "easier" in a sense that I could hide behind being "male" and males don't get anywhere near the same sort of constant harassment as women do. They get their share, but it's certainly not like women get. Now, that did it's own damage that I have gotten into enough that I don't have to talk about it here.

That led me to think, "I'm walking into that." I'm about to start feeling the same pressure, hearing the same cat calls and names the girl in the article is talking about. Almost certainly not at the same level as a young girl going through school, but it will be there. I know this is going to sound foolishly courageous, but right now, thinking to the future, I'm not at all concerned about it.

That's what I want to talk about, if you've managed to get this far (that up there seems like a mess). Specifically I want to talk to transgender that want to come out and are afraid, or are out and are having a hard time, and I guess everything in between.

Most of us trans are in the situation we are in because of the same sort of ridicule that woman talked about in her article. If there was no stigma toward being trans in our society then what problem would you have to come out? None. It's hard enough on ourselves that our bodies disagree with us, when everyone else does too it can feel impossible some times.

When I go out now, presenting properly, I don't worry too much about being teased or made fun of, I pass well enough that I don't hear it. But I used to. Long before I even understood anything at all with being trans I would get teased about the things I enjoyed that were feminine. I had long hair, for example. Not just long, but gorgeous make-my-girlfriend-jealous long hair and there wasn't a single person in my life at the time that didn't tell me I needed to cut it off. I was called everything, gay, faggot, the worst was being told I looked like a girl. I don't know how I managed to hide my smile enough to seem offended by it, but I tricked everyone every time. Speaking of which, I was a pretty small teen and I would be called  a girl or ma'am completely innocently as well. The combination of happiness, fear, anger and shame when hearing that would usually leave me staring blankly for a bit after the situation cleared away.

No doubt many of you have gone through the same, or worse. It's all of those times that add up that keep you in the closet. It wasn't because I was afraid of having long hair, it was because I was afraid of the ridicule I'd get again. I've always wanted long nails but every time they would get a little long, someone would say something. I would go back and forth in an almost predictable pattern between shaving my legs, underams, etc. and being too terrified that I would be caught to keep doing it.

I thought it would never end.

Here's what I want to say though. If you can do it, if you can get the courage to come out to someone, then more and more and finally start your transition there is hope. For those of us who wait as long as I did I think we end up transitioning as a last resort. I know I did. It seems like nothing has worked, nothing will work. But there is hope, and if you can let yourself you can enjoy something no other type of person gets to experience.

When I first started my transition there was something I was told by my social worker and my therapist that I sorta thought they were out of their minds when they told me. They both said I'm lucky, not everyone gets the luxury to choose who they want to be.

Were they serious? Lucky? ... How long have you been doing this?

I felt nothing at all akin to "lucky". I felt trapped, I felt like I was working on instinct only. I had no choices and these people were talking to me about luxury?

But I've caught a glimpse of what they are talking about. I do have a luxury the majority of cis people probably don't even know they don't have (they could if they wanted to). I am creating this new me, and I'm doing it from nothing but my feelings and let me tell you, it's addictive. I've been forced to shed the shame and teasing simply by transitioning, simply by doing what I want to do. As it goes, and as I transition, more confidence is put in it's place. I *know* now that I do the things I do because *I* want to, it makes *me* happy. I'm starting to see how I have the luxury of an architect with unlimited resources building her own house. Every nail, every board, every little piece is getting placed there with care, love and understanding. And when I'm done it will be something I know I want, I know makes me happy and to hell with everyone else because I'm the only one who has to live here.

That's confidence. That, my trans friends, is something you have that the rest of the people around you don't. Starting was the hardest thing I've ever done, but it was the best thing I've ever done for me and it will be for you too. Try and build some courage, close your eyes and run with it if you have too, that's what I did. Just remember, this is your house.

The Art of Being Alone

If you are someone I know and you start getting offend as you read this, please keep going.

I've briefly mentioned before that I don't have many friends. I have my partner, of course, I have one close friend that lives too far away for my liking, a little group of friends that could be close I think, if we lived closer and one friend who lives near by. That is just about it, other then that there are several people who come in and out of my life that are really more like acquaintances. The last friend I mentioned, the one living close by, is more or less what I want to talk about.

We've known each other for three years now, roughly. We met in school and have worked together as well as spending time at each others house. He is supportive of my transition but I honestly can't remember if I have spoken to him since... or even if it was me or my partner that told him. He is becoming another acquaintance and it's totally my fault.

I am not a very good friend. In fact, I don't really know how to be a friend. I don't know how to start a friendship, the ones I have have always started from circumstance only. I don't know how to keep or maintain a friendship at all.

That's because I have no practice. Sure I've had lots of friends go through my life, and I understand many do in most people's lives but I push my friends away. I will go down a list of friends on facebook for example, and think "I should talk to them/him/her." but it's almost immediately followed by "Why would they want to talk to me?"

It's only in the last few weeks that it has started to sink in that I feel that way because of my own self worth. It seems impossible to me that anyone would want to chat with me, see how my day was, help me with something, go out someplace with me. Besides all of that, people are busy, people have lives, people have other things to do then talk to me.

Creating a facebook profile was "reaching out" for me. Just knowing that my main reason for having one is for human contact seems like asking for too much help. This blog is the same way. I wanted to start this almost right away when I started transitioning. It was only by convincing myself that just by doing it I will help myself, and I didn't need or want others to be reading it.

But I do.

Want to know the dilemma of it all? To open myself up like that, to talk with people, to ask for help, even a friendly ear makes me feel awful. I've done nothing to deserve your kindness, why are you giving it to me?

Even my close friend that lives far away. He has been the salvation of our friendship but yet I feel awkward sending him a message. I spend several minutes staring at my phone trying to think of what to say that doesn't sound like I'm asking for something, or whatever, and usually come up with nothing.

So I'm going to try to start doing something new. I'm going to try and stop thinking that every time someone see's "Rebecca" pop up on a chat screen or something that they don't immediately roll their eyes and think "God, what now." Maybe I can save a few friends.

What About The Children?

I kinda feel like I've been saying the same thing over and over the last few posts. So instead of reflecting in this one I thought I'd give some help for what it's worth. This is going to be fairly specific to trans people, in particular parents.

First of all I want to say. I have been keeping personal details that involve others out of this blog on purpose. Because of this topic though I need to give a little info. Short and simple, I have a partner and a young daughter, both of which have been very supportive.

When I was first coming out to everyone in my life each person I told came with it's own bit of fear. Though it did become easier the more people I told, probably because I didn't face much, if any, negative response. My partner was the first person I told, the first person I ever said "I am transgender." to. That was a very powerful moment for me, it means no small thing to me that she was the first person I told. Like I said to someone I was chatting with online, "It took the best relationship of my life to tell someone something about me that could, even still, end that perfect relationship."

That's not what I'm here to talk about though. My parents were next and they were just as hard for me to tell as my partner.. They all started to get easier after that. There was one person though, both myself and my partner were at a loss to tell, and that was our kiddo.

There is NO information on transgender parents coming out to their children, especially young ones. I am seeing, from what I understand, the trifecta of trans care in Newfoundland, a GP, a social worker, and a (apparently "the") sexologist. They have told me straight that there is little information in general for transgender people, and finding something on children of trans-parents was virtually nonexistent. The majority of what they know is from us.

I'd like to say before I go on, that wasn't meant as any sort of bash. I think it's fantastic that these people even exist, and the care I am getting is taken care of by Canada. and the best thing about it is they know they don't know, so at least they can listen.

So I wanted to talk about the rug rat, and coming out to her, for anyone who may be in the same situation I was a few months ago. We spent a lot of time being worried about her finding out and the rest of it trying to figure out how we'd tell her. I used to spend my days minimally presenting female, women's jeans, panties, sneakers, etc. just to feel a little ok, and then run to my bedroom, after she went to bed, so I could change.

We kept trying to feel her out. If she would say something that was a gender stereotype, "Girls have long hair and boys have short." for example, we'd ask her "why?". At this age her reasoning is really no better then "I'm a girl and I have long hair, therefore..." I would also let her put make up on me, she would ask to do so often anyway, and occasionally slip in something about me, or boys, wanting to look like girls, and see what she thought.

In the long run it probably didn't make a difference, but if I had my time back I wouldn't have done it that way. Kids can make jumps in logic quicker then you'd think sometimes and she really started to figure it out on her own. One day, before we officially told her, she said to me "I know you want to be a girl." and I was floored. She didn't wait for a response before something else caught her attention which was good because I didn't have a sensible one to give her.

What I would have done sooner is simply what I ended up doing. My partner and I sat her down brought up a few little things that we've said, or I have done. She had been raised to be accepting of different people and family's, so we brought up how before we were talking about how some times boys like to look like girls and sometimes the other way around. Just enough to get her in the right mind frame, and then I just dropped the bomb, so to speak.

'Well sweetie, daddy is like those people, daddy wants to become a girl, like a mommy." She accepted it like I told her supper was going to be ready in 20 min. She did go through a bit of a period where she seemed to be feeling loss, and she had a few questions. Her main concern was she wouldn't be able to tell the difference between me and mom, or that I wouldn't sound like a boy anymore or do "boy things" (like play video games)

They were all just her way of manifesting the feeling of loss but it didn't take long for her to be completely ok with it all. We would do our nails together, or our make-up and she'd ask her little questions. Each day she had less and less questions until eventually she had none. Now she operates around the house like nothing was ever any other way. After I told her I took the next chance we had and put on my make-up clothes, etc and fully presented as female. She was excited and impressed with the change. I also made it a point to be as fully presenting as possible while at home with her so she wouldn't get confused with the switching back and forth. She has had an easier time accepting this then anyone else, including me. She just needed to be assured that I wasn't going anywhere, I was still her daddy and I still love her, after that she doesn't care if I'm a boy or a girl,  kids are the most accepting people, period.

She even helps me feminize myself. I was practicing my voice one day, all day. When she came home from school I showed her what I had been doing that day, and my voice was actually starting to sound not bad. One of the exercises starts with making a humming "mmmmm" sound and you turn it into a sort of "meow.". I started doing the exercise with her and of course she started to meow back at me, lol. So we were going back ad forth with the meowing and suddenly after I meowed she stopped and stared at me.

"Woah, that sounded like a girl."

Then the game turned to me meowing and her saying "girl or boy." and it actually helped quite a lot, haha.

The only worry I have for her now is other kids. She has told some neighborhood kids and some have come into the house. Even these kids are totally unfazed by what they see when they come in, two of the older girls around (like 11-12 or something) came in and talked to me like nothing was out of the ordinary at all. I make it a point to ask the kiddo from time to time if any kids tease her. Of course some do, but according to her it hasn't been because of "her dad"  besides one time and it was very short lived, and not very hurtful, even for a kid. Mine actually barely understood what the teaser was getting at.

So to sum it up for any transgender out there wondering how to come out to your child/ren. Chances are you are having more trouble with it then they will. Most likely they are far more aware and far more accepting then you'd realize. If I had to put it off much longer she would have completely figured it out on her own and I'd be trying to explain why I was lying all this time on top of everything else. I think the key to remember is, especially at a young age, kids don't have all the prejudices we do. If you're trans yourself, you have a great opportunity to raise a kid who is accepting and understanding of the people who are different in this world and maybe we can leave them not so afraid to be themselves while we are at it.

Phoenix And Fawn

I"m having quite a jumble of thoughts this morning and I'm having a hard time pinning them down. Excuse me if this one is a little long and random.

I am thinking about a lot of things, but there is a common theme, "Where is my life heading now?".

I can't help but think about high school and my friends there. We were an interesting group of people. We were intelligent but not "nerds". We were creative but not artsy. We were all fairly well liked by the school, students and teachers, but we weren't popular.

We were a combination of intelligent, creative, and aware that just made us difficult to be social with other kids. I often wondered in my older years how I fit with them. I guess I was intelligent, certainly quite creative but I don't feel like I was ever as aware of the world around me, I was more sensitive to the people right in front of me. Even with these people I didn't really have much to say, I felt. I still felt alone even when surrounded by my friends. What teen didn't though, right? I don't even know if that's true or not, do all teens feel like that, all the time?

Either way, I think my friends sorta sensed my sadness and sensitivity. While they all talked to each other often and about things that I didn't really want to be involved with, they all came to me with their emotional or "real" problems. Relationship problems, family problems, personal problems, depression, these were the things people came to me about.

And I liked it. I continued to like it through school and university. I still like it. My problem was I was always more concerned about the people right in front of me rather then some abstract future goal. I have no doubt now that being transgender is what has stopped me from succeeding. That isn't true for every TG, I know. It's not even a good excuse, and I don't mean to use it that way. What I'm trying to say is my combination of personality, values, goals, etc made my dealing with accepting being transgender the most important thing in my life. I was/am ultra sensitive to people emotions because people weren't sensitive to mine. I couldn't deal with my own emotional problems so I wanted to deal with everyone else's.

My top four high school friends are now doing the following. One is an accomplished lawyer. My ex-girlfriend is a psychiatrist and her husband (I think?) (also a HS friend) is a published writer. Finally, the last friend is a freaking astrophysicists. My friends obviously did well, and I have little doubt I could have too, if I didn't have other things on my mind. What would I be doing now?

I started thinking about this after writing my last post yesterday but I didn't go to the "What if." until later. I was thinking how I kinda wanted to elaborate on that post a bit. I don't feel like I'm killing myself right now. I feel like I'm neatly folding up some things and putting them away. But essentially I am letting a person go that hopefully will go for ever. Yes I'm the same person in a lot of ways, I'm still sensitive, funny, sarcastic. Plenty of things have changed though, my interests, the way I interact with people, my moods. I find myself looking ahead and being excited to learn this me that has been hiding away.

But where do I fit in life? I'm not going to be "the tranny" all of my life, eventually I'll just be living a life like any regular woman, with a job, family, etc... what do I want it to be like? This transition has giving me a whole new perspective on being happy, and true to yourself and it's leaving me quite uncertain of my place in the world right now.

One day at a time, I know.

I had an experience yesterday that I'd rather not get into too much detail about. It has had a profound effect on me though, it taught me things I thought about myself, but didn't "know" about myself. It made me feel more feminine, gave me confidence, it has made me more comfortable in my own skin combined with humility. It has left me feeling more like a woman then ever before, and very self reflective.

I feel more centered today, and while I can't sort out what to do with all these things going on in my head I feel like they are coming toward me slower and in better resolution then before.

Seppuku

I have lived the majority of my life wanting to commit suicide. That is something I would never have told anyone before, only a hand full of people, and they all thought it was in my past. The only reason I can now tell you is it only now has come off the table of possible "life choices". I didn't want to tell anyone I felt this way in case I wanted to go through with it, I didn't want someone to try and stop me.

Like I said, it's off the table now. Instead of it being the first choice I go to, it's a distant 5th or 6th. I guess that still may be a little higher on the list then most but it's light years from where it was. I have found myself during hard days thinking about ending it finally, but lately I have ACTUALLY thought to myself that I have something to live for now, if I die now I wont get to see my transition finish. I don't know how many of you are suicidal but that thought is mind-blowing. I have never once used myself as the reason to live. I am alive because my parents still are. I used to tell myself I couldn't do that to them at first, when I was younger. As I got older and started losing friends and family I didn't feel the need to "stick around" for them. All I could gather together to tell myself was dying won't give me the serenity I crave, it just gives me blackness. The only thing keeping me here was knowing suicide was just something else that would, ultimately, end up with me not getting what I wanted, peace. Being alive was simply statistically better at getting me more options then being dead.

I first got a taste of this wanting to be alive when out driving one day. Nothing big happened but a car pulled in front of us that shouldn't have and we got startled, blah blah. My normal reaction to that would be "Close, maybe next time." but that day I was scared a little. I found myself being concerned for my own life for, I'm pretty sure, the first time ever. I thought to myself  "What a waste to die now, a few months into transition and not get to finish.".

The difference now is I don't want this part of me to go away. I want this part to become "me" and it is starting to, finally.

That is the irony of this all. I spent years convincing myself to not kill myself unknowingly, I guess, holding out for my transition. Now while I transition I'm slowly killing the part of me  that I want to go away and I am finding that serenity.

How do I say "This is my best suicide attempt ever." without it sounding morbidly dark?

I'm happy to be alive, for once.

Sinking in

Faith, in most cases it is garbage. There is no good reason to believe something without good evidence. In it's most common uses faith makes you blind, ignorant, and just flat out gullible. I don't have much faith, in fact I have no faith in it's common use. I have my own way of using it.

Faith to me is the counter to doubt. Doubt is assuming you're wrong without enough evidence, faith is assuming you're right. As I like to say, doubt is the tool of intelligence. In my opinion, doubt is the only true learning tool we have, we must doubt to find the truth if not we just assume. Doubt is the cornerstone of an inner dialogue. We tend to not make ourselves, our emotions, our actions the target of doubt, we operate mostly on faith in that regard. What I'm saying is correct, I'm doing the right thing, etc etc.

That isn't the case so much for me, and I would hazard to guess also not the case for many TG's. I was "trained" to doubt myself at a very young age. Not just my ability to do things mind you, that's bad enough, but I was forced to doubt my feelings, the very idea of who I am, my own thoughts and desires. How is it possible for me to be surrounded by thousands of people every day and not a single one can see the same me as I do? How is it everyone I know wants me to feel and act in ways that are not at all how I want to feel and act? I know now that obviously no one can see what I don't show them, but that's not how you feel about it as a teenager. It's not very hard to go from those sort of thoughts to "I'm not supposed to be alive.".

 I'm not here looking for pity, being a teenager is hard enough, but no one should have that level of self doubt in them. To not just think of suicide as stopping the pain or saving me from continuing, but also as erasing a mistake. Like whiting out my name on a page to put something proper in its place.

Faith is the only defense against that. I had no real "proof" I should go on or that I'm no worse, no less of a human being then anyone else. Faith is what I've been running on all of my life. Some ricocheting idea that there will be something better eventually. I had to build up as much faith as I could muster to tell my family. I had to have faith without sufficient evidence that I am doing the right thing. I had to convince myself that the doubt has done it's job, it has made me think of all the possible options. I have this one option left, transitioning, and it's time to try and do the thing I have feared the most in my life.

I find it puts me in a bit of a fog. Thinking more or less, just go through the motions until it becomes natural. "Fake it until you make it." as they say. Every now and then a thought breaks through the fog, "Is this really happening?"

Yeah, it is.

That question/answer is barely starting to sink in now. I'm very slowly starting to let the faith go, like holding feathers to the wind one at a time, and reluctantly letting it go after making sure it'll lift off safely. Each time I let some go I have to make sure doubt isn`t there waiting around the corner to fill it`s place. I feel like a magician making someone disappear behind a sheet to make someone else reappear. Only I`m raising the sheet very slowly and, well, I`m the only one watching, performing, and participating in the show.

That makes me wonder though, rhetorically, what do others see now while the sheet is down?

Salt-N-Pepa

So as the 80's duo would say,

Let's talk about sex.

Where the hell to start though? Sex before I came out was always so complicated to me, and not much has changed in that regard. Before coming out my sexual activities always were the same, they followed the same pattern. The problem for me was that it's kinda similar to the "typical" pattern for many relationships. The sex would be plentiful and exciting at first, then slowly become less plentiful and exciting. I've only had a handful of one night stands because I've always associated it with emotional connection.

That's something I never fully realized until lately, sex is a personal, emotional thing for me. That is how it all became more complicated for me. True or not I felt like men were expected to not be like that, they are in fact expected to be the opposite. Since I spent so much of my time trying to model myself after a "manly man" I made sex into something I "wanted" but didn't get excited about much. It was "be dominant, take control but don't feel anything.". That was/is a recipe for disaster.

The other problem was it wasn't like I didn't enjoy the exciting times I had sex, it's almost impossible not to when in the middle of the passion only new found lust can create. I would enjoy sex at first, always and intensely. Eventually I would feel like I was being pressured to have sex. I am a pleaser at heart so all the sex I had I would always be focused on making sure who I was with was having a good time. I became so good at it that lovers would think I was being very passionate but what I was actually thinking was..

"36 to the left... 15 to the right... 45 to the left."

I had to "shut down" parts of my own desire too because to me it didn't seem like it fit the "manly man" persona I had made, like being touched. I stopped allowing myself to enjoy being touched. Not touched I guess, but caressed. Literally all I feel now when someone touches me is pressure, I don't feel the warmth, or softness of their hands, or legs, or whatever part is touching me. I know this was my own doing but I feel like I haven't been lovingly caressed since I was a teenager. Now that I'm a woman, or slowly becoming one, people want to touch me often. I've been "lucky" in that it has been mostly only text words and not action. I say "lucky" because the idea of someone running their hands over me terrifies me, but when I feel how badly I want to feel their hands on me, and how little I've been touched like only a lover exploring your body can, it makes me cry, instantly. I've cried three times now just making it down to this part.

That explains where I am since coming out fairly well. I tried at first to be more sexually active, or at least as sexually active. I thought since I had come out, sex would start making more sense now, was I ever wrong. You get told that the testosterone blockers will decrease your libido, so I was expecting that, but what happened was everything got turned upside down.

I would fantasize about being with men before, and that continued, picked up a little even. It didn't take too long though for it to start dawning on me, I have yet to have sex how "I" want to...and how do I do that? That is literally my problem, I don't know what I want, or like. Do I like woman? Men? Being dominate, submissive.. vanilla? Can I just have sex or do I need a relationship, or at least someone I'm close to? I have all the same questions as a virgin teen but I'm thirty five, people expect you to have that figured out by now.

I've gone now about 2 months without any sex, even touching myself. It all seems too complicated to me right now to even try and think about it. So many things that would turn me on before just flat out don't anymore. Not because of the hormones, some of them actually offend me now, a total flip on perception. If I fantasize about women I eventually start feeling like a man again, like the old sexual locksmith I was. If I turn to men I eventually get scared, imagine letting myself let someone else "take control" even in the smallest vanilla sense of "man on top get it over with quick" sex. My fantasies and desires have no solace for me, so I avoid them. Knowing that, watching myself do/be like that is painful but I feel right now that this is the tide I'm currently riding and there's little else to do about it.

It has been somewhat freeing though. I find myself feeling like it's about time that I didn't have sex on my mind 24/7. Instead of wasting so much time with all the considerations of sex I've had that time to do other things. Things I needed to do as well, if not more so. I've spent a lot of that time the last few months learning about me. No, not even learning about me, I've been laying ground work for me to start learning about me.

I have started to tell myself I need to do something about this. There's a quote by Freud something like,

"The only unnatural sexual behaviour is none at all."

I'm not sure if he is correct or not, but it seems to make sense. So this sexual desert I've been in has to change, but I don't know how to do it, physically and emotionally. I usually solve these sort of problems by jumping in feet first but I can't bring myself to do it with this. I convinced myself to go on my first flight ever and down to the US, two days after September 11th, 2001, but yet I can't let a man put his hands on my waist.

Galaxy Express

It's strange how memories work. This is the first time I can follow a string of memories and actually see the line it drew. It sorta make me wonder how often memories do that, and if it's in anyway on "purpose".

I was watching some children's cartoon the other day. Well by watching I mean it was on while I tried not to watch it, I was writing in this blog actually. I had been typing away for a while and looked up to see some monkey's.. or kids... same thing, on a train in space. I looked at it and thought "Yep." Looked down and continued typing.

Then in a flash I thought "Wait, train in space... WTF was THAT movie called!?". It took quite a few awkward google searches but I eventually found the name of an anime movie I was trying to remember.

"Galaxy Express 999"

Wow has it ever been a long time since I seen that movie, roughly 20ish years ago. I found it to download (yay torrents) and I only had to wait four days to get it. That sucker is 2hrs long!

I started to think about it off and on during those four days. I couldn't remember a whole lot of detail, I just remembered I thought it was really good (it's not bad btw, lol) but I also had a deep deep connection to this movie. I could recall the basics of it, there were humans in the world and "machine people". Humans who gave up their bodies for mechanical ones, for what ever reason.

Knowing it was about giving up your body for another I kinda started to figure where I was going with it, obviously. So after a few days I started to watch it in pieces. The moment it gets to one of the main characters I started thinking how she seemed like the center of my memories, not the actual main character who is a young boy.

When they said her name for the first time, I thought "Right! She's a machine but not everyone knows." Then there is a part where they X-ray the boy and this girl and she looks human. That was when I remembered it all. She was a special machine that lived within a human body and got a new one as she became old. Gruesome I know, but she is also being forced to. She was the memory I was looking for, and as I started watching the movie I stopped having memories and started having feelings, especially during scenes that this woman is in, and she's in just about the entire movie.

I don't ever really recall thinking "I want to give up my body for a mechanical female one." I remember no thoughts at all actually. I do remember feeling like she was beautiful, a soft kind woman. Blonde, thin, wise beyond her years, calm, and a deep sadness. I felt so connected to her she was the reason I watched that movie over and over. I did feel like it would be wonderful to be like her, and I even felt like if I could give up my body I'd like to be her, or like her, but I never once connected the dots.

It's a little strange having these old memories and feelings come up. I don't have much of a memory, I never did. I'm too busy thinking to be concerned about what's gone on around me enough to remember it. I do keep having them though, and while part of me thinks it's just my memories influenced by the me now, and I'm finding things I want to find. There is another part that thinks I started down that path, and others like it, so randomly. I don't feel like I'm forcing these feelings and memories, more like I'm doing a treasure hunt. I'm just following the map and stuff keeps popping up.

I write about these memories because I used to look for other trans stories of their past and compare them to mine all the time. So I'm assuming there are other trans out there now, doing the same. When I found them I would read/listen/watch as much as I could to see if I could find anything to relate to. Most days I found something, some days I didn't. What I wish I found was this, someone who was also saying let your own validation from the past go. The search for memories can be a punishing one. What if you find none? So you're miserable now for no reason? Certainly not the reason you are thinking you "might" be miserable, and have been thinking that for years and years. It can't be that because I'd remember something...

That's crap.

What if you find one? So now automatically you're transgender? Imagine if that were the case? That's almost a sign if there ever was one. What if both things meant "truth" I remember something and therefore I am transgender, or I don't remember anything therefore I am not transgender.

Which one terrifies you?

I used to think I only had crap memories, that they didn't mean enough to say I was. What I was too scared to realize was the idea of that felt AWFUL and that says so much. I'm more comfortable in my own body and emotions now, and I see the pain, pressure, happiness and elation for what they are now, at least compared to how I used to. It's only now things are starting to make sense.

The effects

Well I just wrote about some feminizing tips so I thought I'd talk about what effects the hormones have had on me. I used to search for these types of blogs/youtube videos a lot before coming out, even more when I started HRT. I've eased off a bit now, I'm starting to become more and more ok with just letting it happen. That and I can look in the mirror and see my own example now, I can see some real changes.

So the biggest change is my skin, it has become so soft (the exfoliating too remember). I find myself running my hands over myself all the time. Even when I scratch an itch the feel of my own skin surprises me. It's the main thing that makes me feel like a woman, knowing how my skin feels, even looks.

Kinda related is my body shape in general. I've lost the extra weight on my abdomen and waist and I have grown some hips. I have the beginnings of the "hourglass" figure that women have. Another big change is my shoulders and upper back. I used to be an amateur body builder after I lost all my weight and for my size, my back and shoulders were pretty large. Now I am much smaller, the only measurement I have is my hands. It used to feel like grabbing a cantaloupe, now it's like an apple (accurate, I know.). My favorite change is my bum! It seemed like all of my mid-drift weight went to my ass, lol. Since I had no ass before it is so awesome! haha. I fill out girls jeans now so much better :)

So there's that...

I started noticing a change in my breasts fairly early.. ish. About 2.5 months in I guess. As of last week I look like I have breasts while naked, rather then "man boobs". I actually fill out an "A" cup now too, and look like I have a little cleavage with a bra on. They haven't really gotten all that sensitive though, even my nipples, which my doc seems a little puzzled about but not concerned. Speaking of which, my nipples have changed, the look and feel of them. The areola has gotten larger and they feel more "full".

My face has become more feminine and I don't know how to tell you how. It just looks more feminine. I used to put on eye shadow, blush, bronzer, moisturizer, foundation and concealer just to get the right look. Now I put on foundation and lipstick, done. Some of that is confidence I suppose.

That's all the physical stuff right now. One thing people talk about but no one really effectively warned me of is the emotional effects. Everyone joked "Oh it's going to be like having a teenager around with all the new hormones.", even me. But damn, was I not prepared. I am MUCH more emotional now then before but it's not tumultuous like it was, it's like walking through a wading pool of emotions, nothing really being more assertive then the other, each one just waiting to get passed through. When I first started taking the hormones and feeling the changes it was more like a sharknado. Every emotion would come screaming into my face, slap me a few times and go away... maybe. Maybe it'll wait for another one to show up too. Maybe it'll say "fuck it" and eat your face... see what I'm getting at here?

Anyway, as I said they have calmed down. I know this is complicated, like maybe I wouldn't feel like this if I didn't also look like I do, or etc etc but I feel the emotional effects of the hormones and transitioning in general have been, god let me get my thesaurus...

Pure jubilation.

Things that I thought would be painful to "give up" end up putting a smile on my face. For example, I was concerned about losing my strength, I'm pretty small, and sneakyly strong, was. Yesterday I picked up a suitcase full of books that I would have had no trouble with but this time it took effort. Instead of thinking "Oh god it has started." I thought "Oh look at that." <smile> "Maybe I'll ask one of the boys to bring it back up." <little giggle>

little odd writing that..

I find myself happy to see it go. I really try to search my feelings for any sense of loss but all I end up doing is making a checklist of all the fucks I don't give. Sometimes I get emotional over how much I don't care, but it's usually because I center on the calm, content feeling I'm having over the situation and it overwhelms me. Years of repressed emotions literally leaking out of my eyeballs I suppose.

The content, calm, serene feeling in my own skin is a completely new emotion to me. I didn't know people could feel like this. I get overwhelmed often... right now in fact, when I think about it, or feel it because it's so powerful. I wonder, sometimes, if "everyone" feels like this and they have no idea how much they don't appreciate it.

Ok I've been writing too long. take care everyone.

Feminizing Help

I thought I'd take a post to share what I've found/done toward feminizing my appearance more. I occasionally have new Trans people asking how or what I did to look or be more feminine. I've been taking hormones almost as long as I've been out so, while I'm fairly sure I can tell what effects those have had compared to if I wasn't taking them, I may be mistaken on a few things. Also, I'm assuming your goal is full time. If that isn't your goal then adjust as you see fit.

That being said, as a side note for those planning on FT. The main thing I did "attitude wise" about going FT was that was ALWAYS my goal. Even if the plan that day was just to dress up and walk around the block, it was practice for dressing up FT, it was getting used to being in the community while presenting FT, etc etc. 

So, in no particular order.

Electrolysis. I know I said no particular order but this is first for a reason. I read from another transgender's blog that she wished she started doing it earlier in her transition and she's totally right. I started electrolysis almost right away and I didn't start with much beard to begin with compared to most men and I am just now getting to a point that make up covers it easily after a shave. It's a process, and you can't shave for the days before and after your appointment so FT has become tricksy. It hurts, it's the most expensive thing you'll have to do in Canada, besides your wardrobe I suppose, maybe, but do it soon. It sucks. If you live in Newfoundland and are looking for someone, you can contact me and I can give you the name of a very trans friendly lady to go to.

Lose weight. I am 5'6". There was once a time in my life that I was 210lbs. Awful on that short of a person. Anyway, I told everyone it was watching 300 and seeing how the men moved in that was the reason I lost weight and got in shape. That was partially true, it was also in the back of my mind that I never looked good in that lingerie because it wasn't meant for a 210lbs male. I was a comfy 155lbs before transition and I'm 145lbs now. I'd say a fair amount of the last 10lbs is the HRT, I've lost muscle mass. 

Get a shower routine and exfoliate! Exfoliating is like magic, really. It'll soften up your skin like you wouldn't believe especially if you were like me and never done it once before. You'll have to be at it for a while to see a difference but you will. Now This is something that the HRT has had a huge effect on me, so I can't be a totally fair judge, but the difference is between your mothers skin and a strippers skin. Ever notice their skin feels like a baby? Exfoliating, and shaving properly is how they do it. 

Shaving. Kinda obvious but I thought I'd include it. Some tips I've learned from my electrologist, don't pluck your facial hair it makes it more coarse. Do pluck your chest/abdomen they grow back finer. I just recently started doing this and it's a battle, god dammit, but I found shaving my torso felt awful, I'd get really bad ingrown hairs, and bad razor burn. I do just regularly shave my legs, pubic hair and underarms, get a female razor too. Not that there's any difference in sharpness, I found the wider base they sit in helps from slicing me up compared to a men's razor. Get one of each and look at the cartridge, you'll know what I mean. Also, shaving cream, not gel, and moisturize afterward. I use shea butter, it's nice and creamy and I like how it smells :)

Get your eyebrows shaped. It's amazing the difference your eyebrow shape can make to your face, and it has the added bonus of letting you know what you have to work with when it comes to make up.  Keep them maintained yourself afterward, trust me if you're getting electrolysis, plucking/waxing will be a joke.

Makeup. Oh god where to start with this. The daunting thing about makeup to a new trans is there is SO much, where the hell do you start? And that's the trap I feel into too until I realized you don't start with the makeup, you start with your face. The biggest break through I had with my make up was I found I had "hooded eyes" basically when my eyes are open my eyelids disappear. Find out what you have, find out what skin tone you have, or guess-timate it. Makeup is a bit of a challenge for me because I'm horribly colorblind but I can read. Trust me, you'll have no trouble finding ideas online for what colors go with what sort of facial features/hair color/hair style/skin tone etc. After you learn that it's just practice practice practice. Many fits have been thrown across this room because I've touched my face one too many times with my mascara or made my lipstick worse while trying to make it better, but now I can get ready quickly, it used to take me over an hour.  Oh one more huge tip. There's this stuff you can get called "Ben Nye Beard Cover" It's theatrical makeup and you can find it online for 10ish$. It goes under your foundation to cover the blue from your beard. It takes some practice but it is fantastic until the hair removal starts working.

One more. Get a wig and/or grow your hair. Right now while I'm growing my hair out my wig makes all the difference to me. Yes I know women can have short hair but, society being how it is, long hair is decidedly feminine. What I'm doing is I'm growing my hair a little longer (it's still not to my shoulders) and I'm going to get it cut and styled, and then keep growing from there.

Some advice I seen from a trans woman on youtube is to think of it like a check list. When someone looks at you they unconsciously go through a  list of feminine and masculine things to decide what you are. The more checks you get on the feminine side the more you can ignore on the masculine side. 

Also, not really advice for appearance really but behaviour. I used to be worried about "acting" female. Walking a certain way, moving a certain way, etc. I still do it, minimally, but I found most of those things came naturally to me. Once I feel more feminine then masculine (for lack of better way to describe it) the feminine motions, mannerisms, etc all come easily.

Anyway, I hope this helped anyone. Take care and I'll be writing again soon.

The Beginning

Yet another question I seem to get a lot of is "When/how long did you know?" or "When did you start?".  Honestly it is a question that I would imagine most trans people ask themselves. It's slightly destructive to yourself because you do it for validation. If I'm feeling this way "now" then there must have been clues that make sense from my past.

The truth is, you may not have any, or simply may not remember. One of the more difficult things I had to come to terms with when I first came out, and still do in smaller doses, is that it does't really matter how I felt in the past, what matters is how I feel now.

You can get a newly self discovered trans in a pretty difficult spot by asking them that simple question because it seems like you are looking for the same validation as they are, and if they haven't found it yet then well, that could be hurtful. I'd suggest trying to read them and if they seem stuck, butt in with a bit of a "Well it's no big deal if you can't remember any." and ease some pressure off the poor person.

Honestly, the memories didn't really start until I started to accept this person I am, and am becoming. I remembered a handful of little things but none of them were of the sort to be conclusive that I indeed need to switch genders. Really all I had to go on at first was the intense desire to do so. That's it. It didn't make sense to me at all. Really, all I knew was that not doing this thing that I want so badly is causing me to be self destructive.

I actually got off a little from what I wanted to say. People tend to use those two questions interchangeably, When you started and when you knew. Not everyone realizes they are quite different.

I have a bit of an assumption about trans people. I think at a young age we are a little too oblivious to our gender roles and the world around us that we can't help but give some examples that are (maybe should be?) easily overlooked.

For example, one of my earliest memories of my expressing femininity is from when I was seven or eight years old. I was at a boy's house who had a sister. I don't remember many details but I do remember abandoning the boy and playing with my little pony with the girls who were there with the sister. I remember that I liked the smell of the ponies and that you could comb their hair. I went home and asked my parents if I could have one and I was told boys don't play with those. (no angst toward my parents btw, they are amazing people.)

A simple thing to happen, and a simple response to it really. I don't know how well my mind was working then, but I was a bright kid. I don't think it was much of a stretch after that for me to start seeing gender roles. I started not believing my parents, friends, and church about god around that age as well because it sounded hypocritical so I probably could figure out boys wear blue/girls wear pink. I think that was when I started repressing it as well. Possibly the first and last time I came out to anyone in any little way until my later teen years.

So that is an answer for "when" it started. Is it "the" answer, probably not. That is a young age and maybe it meant nothing, it's easy to look back now and label things the way I want to see them. I did, however, start having thoughts about being female almost the second puberty hit me. I reached the age of 13 before I masturbated. Even then it was only to see what everyone else was talking about. I had no desires to do that to myself at all, I don't know if that's strange but it kinda seems to be. It wasn't long after that I started using feminine things to get aroused. Wearing panties and lingerie I could get access to, anal penetration, and fantasizing about being a woman.

One thing I remember doing to masturbate was massaging the area just below my testicles and imagine it was a clitoris... I could easily orgasm with that stimulation alone. Not as simple as the "usual" process but more satisfying.

Still at that age I didn't "know". I didn't know until my twenties, like I said before. Hell, I still don't "know". I'm not sure if the doubt will ever go completely away, and it didn't start to at all until I started telling people, telling myself, and approaching the world as the real me. It's all about your feelings. I'm starting to learn how we do come with a rough users manual and your feelings are your table of contents.