Family Matters

I'm not sure if I mentioned this here or not, but I posted on my facebook that I have this blog. Since I've done that I've gotten a fair bit of response. I've being writing this like no one is reading it, that's how I manage to be so candid, but it's kinda obvious to me now that people are reading it.

One of the main reasons I hesitated telling facebook was because of family members reading it.I kinda figured my parents would, but I have a few other extended family that also are, so I'm feeling a little reticent.

And I'm having none of that.

So, let's just press right through this, shall we?

My family had a huge impact on my dysphoria. No one puts expectations on you like your family does, and when everyone thinks you're a boy there are even more, especially from my parents generation. I was clearly different then the rest of my family but no one ever knew why, obviously. No one even had close to a clue, besides the fact that I became an expert con artist about this, it was simply not an option for anyone to think.

My youngest years, say under the age of ten was pretty simple. I was constantly given gender norms to adhere by, but at that time it didn't "bother" me. I had other things I would have rather done, like play with My Little Pony, but I listened to my parents and that was kinda it.

When puberty started setting in though, I started becoming aware of my very different personality. It was unbelievably frustrating going through what I was going through and having people chalk it up as being a "typical teenager". There has never been anything typical about me, except maybe a typical transgender kid.

I tried, and try, often to think of what my family thought of me back then. Just about everything about me was different then them. They thought school education is the end all to be all, I thought it was a bunch of people trying to make themselves feel more important. They were all very religious, I was.... not, and I enjoyed telling you. At that time, that wasn't a very popular thing to do. I enjoyed intelligent stand-up comedy and music, and their lyrics. They seemed to enjoy slap-stick like comedy and more mainstream/newfoundland music. I was an artist, they were not.

I also knew I had beliefs they hadn't even thought about. A lot of it centered around sex and gender. Like transvestites are people too, I was completely ok with homosexuals, I thought monogamy was a recipe for disaster, I was into BDSM. I thought sex could be something shared between any two people, (or three, or four, or...) Transvestism aside, I thought men and women should be able to wear whatever they wanted. I didn't think it was strange for a man to say "beautiful" (yeah, that's backwards times were then.) There were quite a few things.

Most importantly though, I think. I wore black all the time, gave thought to hard decisions, to hard world problems. I had started to become sensitive to my own lack of expression and I started feeling it in others. Ultimately, I was the depressed kid in the family and I think they had no idea how to handle me, and I'm sure I didn't make it easy.

I have a few examples of things that I remember about different relatives and how they related to my being transgender. There is no way I can talk about this without them knowing who I'm talking about so, here we go.

I have one cousin that has been a best friend to me. Time and responsibility has diminished that a little, but he still is one of my best friends. I am, four (I think?) years older then him and there was a time period where he spent more time with me at my house then he did at home. I joke about that time to people and say I "raised my cousin.", which is hardly true, but I felt motherly at the time. It was one of the first times I felt like I wanted to inside, but still had no one to share or explain it to.

There are another group of family members I am just going to lump together, because that's how much love I have for them. I seen this side of the family roughly once a year, for christmas, and... fuck them. I haven't met a single group of such arrogantly ignorant people in my life. They caused me a lot of pain. The other side of my family didn't know how to connect with me, and really left it at that. This side didn't know how to connect to me and that was MY problem that they needed to fix, apparently. No one in my life judged me as much as they did. I was depressed and wore black a lot, "cheer up and wear some color! what's wrong with you!" I had long hair "Only girls have long hair." I didn't want to go to university, "you're no one of you don't go to university."

Just about every core belief these people had was a polar opposite to mine, which is fine. The artistic qualities in me being  a stark contrast to their inelegant ways.  But when you start telling me I'm wrong, you're right, and there's something wrong with me because I feel that way (Which there FUCKING WAS, but not like they thought), you can go to hell. These people basically made me feel like how I was feeling was wrong, alien, and unforgivable.

One visit a year, quite the accomplishment.

During my university days I was getting rides with another cousin of mine who was also going to university. That became awkward for me. Why? You ask.

Well...

I started to become attracted to her. To start with, she is attractive, but as I started to get to know her during our drives I started wanting to be her, like I've done with many females in the past. I'd pick out qualities in her that I liked and wished I could be. I actually found myself hitting on her trying to get to know her (and therefore me) a little better. She was my cousin so I thought maybe there was a better chance for answers in her (not knowing at the time the answers were in me). I don't know if she ever felt it, but once I noticed what I was doing, I stopped.

I just remembered another time where an aunt and uncle tried to, I dunno, "man me up" for lack of better terms. Maybe it was "cheer me up." I'm not sure. I was given motorbike rides, the male version of the sex talk, a handful of other attempts to figure me out. I was so impossible to connect to though, it didn't last long, and I don't blame them even a little bit, I did appreciate it in fact.

Essentially that's what it comes down to I suppose. I was impossible to connect with on any level. Anything you could get me engaged in was something people didn't know about, didn't want to hear, or didn't know want to say about. Probably mostly the latter. I had one side of my family that tried, failed, and I think felt bad. The other side of my family couldn't care less and only gave me enough thought to wonder why I wasn't jumping on their bandwagon.

There is one large thing though that happened that really made me put my head in the sand. When my uncle came out as gay it opened my eyes. I wasn't directly told until he told me, many years later. It still is something that our family claims not to be ashamed of, but are so quiet about I hardly see the difference. How quiet it was kept made me go completely into my closet about being transgender. My thoughts of someone being gay at the time was "Is that all?" I was comparing it to me who wanted to change genders, act and present like a woman rather then the boy I was born, AND I also had homosexual fantasies.

Lol even my fantasies were confusing to me, which ones were homosexual and which ones were heterosexual? Anyway..

Their reaction to my uncle gave me no hope for myself. One of the contributing factors of my trip to Atlanta. I think it's great, I'd like for him to take his boyfriend to our christmas dinner some year (if he has one. See? I don't even know that). I've always felt that way. I always thought it was total crap that my cousins, aunt, myself and my brother all brought boy/girlfriends and my uncle never did. I think actually, once.

All of this being said, very little of this was done intentionally. Clearly they had no idea I was transgender, being sensitive to that wasn't even in our culture then. When it came to me hiding the little girl inside me everything and anything could have set me off, or made me feel worse, or more alone. For the most part they had no idea what effect the things they did and said had on me.

Makeover

If you were able to listen to Crosstalk yesterday you would have heard me being ask what I thought about transgender related surgery. Honestly I know I can be wordy so I ended up saying as little as possible so I thought I'd give a more thorough answer here.

It's probably the most delicate subject in the trans community, not to make assumptions. Mainly because for the non-transgender mind it seems to be their biggest curiosity, and for some transgender it is a topic of pain for many reasons, Not to mention it's our genitals, doncha think that's a little personal?

The fact that none of us can give anyone a straight answer, or the same one probably doesn't help. That is part of our point though, not to get side tracked, people are different.

So, to answer the question, "what do I think of surgery." I'll take two swipes.

First. I think it's something that should be covered by mcp, here in newfoundland and without all of the red tape. Face it, we are the ones leading our own health care. We each will, and are the only one capable to, tell you if we do or do not want surgeries. It seems to ultimately come down to this decision, "Will 'replacing' what I have make me feel better?" If that answer is "no" then I can't imagine someone getting surgery like that because they think they "might" feel a little better, and the side effects would be worth it.

Besides that, we have the care here. It would save so much grief simply by letting people do their jobs. The jobs they want to do, the jobs people are going to them for.

Anyway, I don't feel like I really know enough about that to say much more then opinion, so..

The second part, what do I think of surgery for myself? Like I said it's something I'm strongly considering but it's quite the decision to make, so let me elaborate.

There are several surgeries that are available that I don't think I'll be needing. facial feminization, trachea shave, there are a few that I can't even remember that I probably won't be doing. The reason why, for me, is I don't need them. More accurately, I don't feel I need them. The hormones seem to be doing a reasonable enough job with my face, and body in general. My voice simply isn't worth slicing bits of me away to solve a problem I can do with practice. The majority of the rest of the ones I have forgotten (I seem to be only able to find that list when I want to feel bad about how much money I need to spend) fall under one or two of those options. Either something doesn't need to be fixed or is fixing it's self right now, or just isn't worth doing and/or other options are better.

The infamous top and bottom surgery however. Top surgery I was all but adamant on getting done say, less then 2 months ago. Now I'm not sure. My breasts are developing... not bad. From what I understand, it can take several years before they are finished growing. If that is the case, maybe I'll wait those several years and see what happens naturally. Or maybe I'll have enough of squinting into the mirror before that time is up and get it done anyway.

Not to mention all of the other problems that come with any surgery. The actual idea of getting that done.... I haven't even broken a bone before, never mind getting surgery.

Hah, I actually laughed to myself when I thought of this, so I'll say it here. Surgery is only something I would have done to myself if I could have AT ALL made that possible considering some of the things I have done.

So yeah, the usually complications too...

Of course there is the issue of money. Not to pick a fight but top surgery isn't covered by mcp at all for a MtF transgender. So if I want to get this done, on my own is my only option.

As for bottom surgery.... bleh.

I hate thinking about it, honestly. Regardless it's in the distant future, so there's that. But the absolutely tug-of-war that is the decision to do this or not is just not one my brain feels like poking at most nights. The difference between top and bottom is my genitals can only be changed by surgery, waiting to see what happens won't change anything unlike top surgery. So that almost seems like a "well, whatcha waiting for?" but it's sharply countered by, "You're about to remove your penis... Hello??"

It is a feelings vs intellect though. I look down at myself, or in the mirror. Especially putting on underwear or certain pants I feel pretty disgusted. I almost want to take the clothing off because it doesn't "fit right". Looking in the mirror I can be feeling great until I get to my waist then just feel like shit. So I figure, surgery it is. But as I think about it, and detail what would happen I get scared. Maybe that just means it's a matter of time, I don't know. I am just as curious as I am bewildered about having sex with a vagina.... not to make that sound like I'm talking about a sex toy of some sort...

There is also something else to consider. The reason I feel better about my breasts is essentially my dysphoria about it has lessened. That has happened for most of my body, though there are spots that still bother me a fair bit, between my legs being one of them. At this point I don't know how much, I guess, my "overall dysphoria" will lessen.... if that's a thing. What I mean though is I may get to a time that I'm comfortable enough with my own body that I won't feel the need to get any surgery.

I guess right now top surgery is a bit of a coin toss, and bottom is leaning more toward yes. As scary as it is, as many complications as their may be, thinking of going all of my life without knowing what it is like to have female genitals, or of looking at the same thing that is there now for the rest of my life makes me somewhat depressed.

That is the exact same way I felt about transitioning in the first place, so I guess that says a lot.

CBC Radio Noon

A quick post to let everyone know I will be joining three other people speaking on CBC Radio Noon with John Furlong tomorrow, Thursday the 28th from 12:15 too 1:30. Come have a listen

Choosing Choice

Spending time with other people from the LGBT community last week has taught me a lot. The most important lesson I received is that even though I'm trans myself there is an awful lot about the community that I am as unaware it's even an issue as I am uninformed about it. There is actually so much, and I feel so unable to speak of them from lack of knowledge that I am not going to.

There was one conversation that I had over the week that flicked the light switch on, so to speak.

This is why, by the way, I need to be involved with the community more. This was one conversation, that really boils down to one sentence, that...well you'll see.

The trans-person I was talking to was telling me about a meeting she and others had with health care professionals. They were asked the inevitable question, "So this isn't a choice right?" The answer that was given is what I have been thinking about since. The person I was talking to answered back, "Well it can be, and that's ok too."

I can almost picture their faces.

This is something I absolutely believe, but honestly I'm not sure it's so intrinsic in me that I would have given the same answer. The person telling us this story told it almost as a joke more then the seriousness behind that statement, intentionally or not I'm not sure (we were at a bar), or maybe I didn't realize her seriousness through the laughter. This one statement though is it, this is all we, or anyone in the LGBT community needs people to understand.

It begs to strain on the reasoning, "Why can't it be a choice?" Imagine how freeing it would be if our society accepted people choosing to transition, or choosing being homosexual. As it stands, it seems a completely alien idea for a straight man to choose to be gay, or a cis woman choosing to transition to male. Why the hell would they do that?

Why the hell do you need to know?

For a society that wants 500 choices of doughnut I find it incredible that the majority can't allow people to choose anything, ANYTHING, they want. Instead, you can have your coffee in 37 different flavours but when it comes to sex  and gender, you can check two of four boxes and they better match up with what everyone else thinks you should check.

A world where there are no genders, or all genders. Where having sex with another human being, male or female, or both is just the beautiful connection it is, and not some perverted "fantasy". Sounds impossible right? Well here's a list:

India
Pakistan
Nepal
Australia
New Zealand
Thailand
Oman
Polynesia
Indonesia
The Philippines
Kenya

These countries either have a special place for a third gender in their society, or have actual laws protecting their right to choose a third gender. Options on passports, census etc. and there are more countries I haven't listed.

For all of our technical, economical, and educational advances here in western society when it comes to individual freedom and expression we are very seriously lacking.

However the second our culture and media earnestly grasps on to freedom of expression our worlds in the LGBT community would change. When it becomes socially acceptable to make it a choice to be gay, or trans, or whatever, then where will the problems come from for those of us who it really isn't a choice for?

The "I have no choice" argument was a reasonable one when it started. It was pretty much the only way to get the masses off our backs, convince them it's akin to an illness and this is your treatment. It is true for many of us, I for one. I had a minor choice, transition or stay miserable. Waving this around though like our flag is hurting us in the long run. We don't need to squeeze out a little sympathy from society, we need to beat it over the head until it remembers we are supposed to believe in personal freedom for everyone.

I was going to stop there but I wanted to add a bit of an hypothesis, for lack of better words.

Even for me, with my saying I had no choice but to transition, I still had a choice. I could have gone on my life like I have the last 30 years. Now that choice would be suicidal depression, but it was a "choice" in the strictest sense. What I have chosen is happiness, and being true to myself. Something all of you out there wish you had the courage to do. I think when people see the public version of us trans they only see the happy side and have that ignorant idea of "you're so happy, you didn't need this." To re-use a simile, it's like months after you end a bad relationship and you are happy, it's hard to see the sadness that made you leave.

People who don't understand see someone like me and I think it hits them right in the jealousy. Freedom of expression isn't just our fight, it's everyone's fight. I, and many like me, are grabbing that right and telling everyone to go to hell with their judgments. It HAS to be intimidating. The majority of society all have their own personal expression they wish society would be ok with but they are choosing to conform. They look at us and see how confident many of us eventually end up being and their jealously/envy gets the better of them. They have to try and take away from us the one thing they want themselves.

Stop fighting us and join us. Personal freedom; freedom of sexuality, freedom of opinion, freedom of choice, freedom of gender, freedom of voice... freedom of thought. These are HUMAN rights and up to all of us to make sure they are rights held by ALL of us.

Castaway

I have the opposite problem this morning then I've been having the last while. I have so much on my mind, a lot of it blogable, that I'm not sure where to start or even if I can make this all coherent.

I've never forgotten how social I was as a kid, or teenage, did I ever like people. This may sound conceded but looking back I didn't feel like I had to try to be anyone's friend, or at least be liked by random students. Grade seven wasn't awesome for me but eight through high school I didn't have a lot of friends, but I was liked well enough by just about everyone.

More importantly though I loved being with the friends I had, the close ones. I spent every moment I could spending time with my friends. Sure they changed through the years, as do most people during those years, but I wanted to be around people more then just about anything else. Even when video games started coming into our lives, I'd always rather let my friends play and me watch. Let them have the fun and I had fun in that. Honestly I used to like watching them interact.

But then the reality of being transgender started to creep in and I, almost over night, became antisocial. It was an online game that led me away. My friends didn't seem to appreciate how into the game I was getting, but it wasn't entirely the game. Sure I can get sucked into a good game but I played this in my room alone. Why? Because the people playing with me, talking to me didn't know the 20ish boy going to university and seems to have everything moderately together. They knew an "elf" that had a very confused, but kind person behind it.

I started shutting out everyone in my life except those I was using to figure out who I was. That, of course, eventually led me to few friends, none actually. There have been several points in my life that the only people I talked to were co-workers and roommates. All of whom had separate lives from me, work or a house being the only things in common. After coming back from atlanta I didn't want to let anyone in that close again, ever.

I only ever approached people through girlfriends. I feel like I owe all of them an apology now. The reason they felt I got so close, the reason they felt so loved was because they were getting all of it I had, I wasn't sharing with anyone else. The reason I did get close was because I had to, almost every one of them came at a point that the lack of human connection was getting unbearable so I'd let someone in a little, and suddenly I'm in a relationship. I tell myself often that I tricked these people into liking me, but that's not entirely true, every emotion that came out was real, it was just half real. I was in a constant sword fight with my girlfriends and they never knew. Some of them certainly have the wounds though...

God fucking dammit that was brutal to say.

One of the large hopes, and astonishing real side effect of transitioning was that I'd become more social. I went from having three good friends (not including my partner) to several groups of friends, it's unreal. I've met so many new people over the last few months I know I won't be able to keep up with them all. Besides the hugging, and hand-shaking, and invites to places, and recognizing smiles reminding me how warm people can be. It has generated this new feeling in me. I've always felt outer space is actually where I'm from but now I feel like maybe I could be human after all.

It's like I've been stranded on an island for a long long time and I'm just now coming back to civilization. People sort of treat me like that too, and you know something? I like it, fuck it, I do. Before I felt like people would think of me like, "See that guy over there... Don't look! Jesus! He'll kill you.". Now it's more like,  "You know, that's a woman over there who could really use some help." and they all do it so well. I don't know how the hell I got so lucky with the people I have met or re-met that every one of them seems to have a least a hint of that little bit of welcomed pity (something I would never have done before) but they wrap it up in such caring it makes me feel... warm. It makes me want to do something to give them one big collective hug.

Or a bunch of individual hugs, I could go for that too.

I've felt so attacked all my life it's like walking into a new world to have all of these people be so incredibly caring. And I believe them, that's the crazy part. Where the hell did that come from? I'm not very good at accepting help and that is a little of what I mean, but mostly I mean I actually believe their sincerity when they somehow express they care. Something I simply didn't have the peace of mind to allow to happen before. Not just peace of mind but self worth. I didn't think I was worthy of anyone's care before. Now, I don't think I'm really that much, at all, but I almost feel like I could be part of something now, and that's not bad, right? It's intimidating honestly, the caring attention, but it's quite invited I'm just left with nothing to say most times. I hope they all know how much it means to me.

Simulacrum

Well, what a packed week I had. I did go out Friday to see Red Durkin perform. She is hilarious, and she had herself "screeched in" after the show, lol.

The entire week was great, I missed a few things unfortunately but it all went well from what I hear. We are doing a good job here in Newfoundland promoting trans awareness. There are constant changes being done to discrimination laws as well, there was a debate thursday morning in the house of representatives to include gender identity in the NL human rights act. It is exciting to see these changes even trying to happen, we have come a long way since my teen years.

Ugh, I hate stating dry facts so back to my feelings...

As I mentioned I wanted to talk about my speech. Well, that's not exactly true. My speech kinda is what it is. The video is there, it went well enough as you can see. I did get a great response from the crowd afterward, I was approached by several people who were appreciative of or moved by what I said.

Watching the video of myself though, that was a new experience for me.

I always hated pictures and videos of myself. There is not a single picture of my male self that I like, the sound of my male self speaking like a male always sounded wrong to me. If I ever listened to my own recorded voice before I would quickly turn it off and possibly throw it across the room in disgust. Every picture I look "wrong", like there is something underneath that I was missing. Like a painting with a hidden picture in it I just can't see. There is one actually that I always liked. It was of me in grade eleven with my long hair, and I look more like a girl then a boy.

That was how I expected to react when I watched the video of myself. I figured I'd turn it on, watch about twelve seconds of it and turn it off. Instead what happened was I was riveted to the video and I was smiling pretty much the entire time. I found myself watching it and thinking "aww this is going to be over soon." like I wanted to see more of me. That is a totally foreign feeling to me. Everything seems to "fit". Even my voice slipping in and out of being where I like it doesn't throw me off while watching it because it still seems to fit in a strange sense. My movements, facial expressions, everything about that seems so right. Even the nervous clap I did at the end because no one realized I was done just looks cute to me. Normally something like that would embarrass the shit out of me.

I don't really know how to describe the powerful feeling underneath it all. Yes everything feels "right" but the feeling of feeling "right" is euphoric... and astonishing. It's like being adrift for years and seeing the tip of an island over the waves of the ocean. You're not quite sure how far away it is but there it is, safety, hope, comfort... home. It's where I belong, after all this time of floating aimlessly.

When I take the time to think about it, like I am right now, I can't help but giggle, and laugh, and cry, and relax. That woman in that video can't be me can she? Yes it can, and is.

I could never picture my male self. I don't know if I can stress that accurately enough. I could never, still can't, just summon up a mental image of my male self. I just literally can't picture that face. I can picture myself now on a whim. I can remember how I looked doing something, or I can even make up a situation and picture myself in it. I actually have a self image now, an identifiable one.

Ok, enough for now. This week has left me with a good bit to talk about but I'm going to stop here for now.

Back soon

Transgender Day of Remembrance Speech

I finally got this thing figured out so here it is! After fighting with this video for a bit to get it up I'm kinda not in the mood to write atm. So! I'll throw this up here now and be back later today or tomorrow for my thoughts. I may head out tonight for more of the events for this week, so we'll see.

If so I'll have more to write about :)

Also, my speaking voice is rather quiet right now so I'm a little difficult to hear in the video, sorry. The whole audio is not loud though, so if you turn it up there should't be any points that you puncture your eardrum.

Grr, I had to upload it to youtube, anyway, without further ado..


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OWeteNdnUas&feature=youtu.be

Transgender Day of Remembrance

I'm a little distracted right now but I don't think I'll have a better time to post today and I really wanted to. Yesterday was the Transgender Day of Remembrance and there was an event here in St john's at Memorial University.

I was a Speaker there on a panel of four. It was a great night, a lot of people showed up and we had really good questions from the audience.

My partner recorded my part of it and I'm hoping to get it online by tonight. Watching that video is.... an experience for me, in the past I really, strongly, disliked pictures and especially videos of me. I didn't feel that way this time, and that's a new feeling for me   I'll wait for a better time to get on and write more about it all.

Yeah, so... I'm so used to writing long posts I don't know what to do..

I'll be back with a video (hopefully) and something more thoughts about the night and my feelings surrounding it.

Click Publish

I don't really get infatuated with anyone anymore. I'm not sure if that is a feeling left for the younger but I don't usually find myself overly curious about someone, a borderline "crush".

There is a girl on youtube, I don't remember if I had mentioned her before. Violet4151 is her U.name. I stumbled on her while randomly looking at trans related videos. I watched all of her videos and I was quite interested. There is just something about this girl that I just "feel". I have no other words for it.

I met another trans woman yesterday, in person, and I felt the same toward her. A cross of curiosity, attraction, comfort, envy and contentment. There is just something about these two people that has me totally captivated.

It took having the two of them to compare each other to and re-watching a video by Violet4151 for me to figure out why I feel this way about these two people.

Now, I don't know either of them, so I don't know what's in their heads. That being said, I think I know what it is that I see, and it's confidence. More specifically they seem so natural, they way they move, talk, behave, interact with others. That's where the envy comes in, I wish I felt that natural.

The video I was watching she was talking about just letting the transition happen during the early stages. She didn't, she wanted to force it to happen sooner, recounting a time she was having fun and wishing she was fulling transitioned to enjoy it. She talked about how we keep that feminine side in a "shadow" before coming out and that shadow is what is coming to meet us as we transition. I didn't quite understand what she was talking about the first time I watched that video, but I get it now.

I have kept this feminine side in the dark for so long and by transitioning the parts that have really been kept in the dark are starting to scramble for light. I find myself right at the peak of this stage I think. I see myself not being confident, or feeling natural, and I know it shouldn't be that way. There is a woman I have made up that I know is me. I know because whenever I get an emotional handle on her I tear up. I can picture her perfectly, every movement, every action, her voice, everything. She's me, and I want to be her as badly as a little girl wants to be a princess.

To actually connect to her though seems impossible. I see in her what I see in these two trans people I've been talking about, particularly their confidence and dignity. You know, it's not impossible, it will just require me to break through a lot of self made barriers. God how I wish I could hold on to her but she's so in the distance that it's like I'm looking at someone else.

I guess this is exactly what Violet4151 was talking about, just let it go. I think I might be thinking too much about not thinking too much, lol. This is my next big step. I've set the table, so to speak. My appearance and voice are easily passable now, I have the support from friends and family, a therapist, HRT. It is approaching time to let out my personality.

This will be, I think, the second hardest thing I have done, or will do. It feels very much like coming out again. Like the first time was just giving people information and, even though I've been 24/7 for a month now, this time I'm showing everyone. The difference between telling people you are writing a book and letting them read it.

Uninvited Scrutiny

I watch myself very closely. My physical, or outward appearance is watched, but a little less often. What I'm constantly watching about myself is my own thoughts. I do this always, without thinking, instantly. I say, think, or feel something it's my job to figure out why that is.

I remember a science show I used to watch as a kid. I don't remember the name of the show but they had a motto "to find out why things are the way they are, and why they aren't something else."

That is my approach to myself. When a particular thought or emotion catches my attention I have to know where it came from. It's both a curse and a boon. Often times the reasons I find are not good ones, often times it's little bits of proof that I'm not as good as a person as I think I am. Sometimes though it teaches me something about myself that I can take and run with. 

Also, it leaves no situation "simple" to me. I rarely just do what I feel. What I feel has always been kept in check by how I think I should act or feel.

This stems straight from being transgender. It started as me thinking of excuses to feel, or do the things I needed to feel and do. 

For example when I would inevitably need to go out and buy some feminine clothes I would come up with every excuse to myself for it to be ok for a "guy" to be buying lingerie. Or the 100 excuses I would have to come up with daily on why I thought it was ok to be a guy with long hair. 

I would always come up with easy answer for others; "I'm buying lingerie for my girlfriend" sort of answers. But I would, and still do, beat that feeling to death for my own answer and simple isn't good enough for me.

My therapist has even said this to me, that I have to know "why" I feel things.

There is a "However" here though. As I'm going through this transition I'm starting to become more and more comfortable with just being me. Perhaps that's the underlying reason for my personal scrutiny, nothing felt right so I had to explain where it was all coming from. My personality is changing because of it. I'm not impulsive by any means but I have an easier time letting things happen now. An easier time accepting I feel a certain way because I feel a certain way, that's actually a good enough explanation. 

It's so relaxing.

How it's shaping my personality is it's starting to make me avoid situations where I cause myself to relentlessly figure out "why". My mind is tired of having to search for reasons, tired of having to defend itself from itself. 

The hardest part of this is letting it go. It's not "like" I'm giving up a part of me, it "is" that. It's a part of me I was never really happy with, but it was a necessary part of my survival. A lot of me comes from this, being so aggressive, opinionated, brutishly honest, less empathic then I started. All of those things have been for survival, I can vaguely recall the moment when I invited each one into my life. 

Now I want to let them go, set them adrift like some sort of lantern festival. I don't think I need them anymore, and besides that when I see each of those survival tactics show it's face it makes me want to throw up. It feels, right to my core, like those are a part of my past self that I'm letting go, not a part of the woman I see myself to be.

My last few weeks have been hard on me and my foresight. What does happen though is from time to time the "purity" shines through, like I'm uncovering buried treasure. I feel those defensive parts disappear for a while and everything is calm, and so clear. 

It's like I just woke up from a deep sleep.

Mortal Combat

I haven't been keeping up with the blog posts like usual these days, I've had a busy week. My brain has been divided between writing here and writing a speech, among other things, so it has been difficult to lock down what I want to write here.

I have learned something about my dysphoria, it seems to be quite talented at strategic combat.

Let me explain...

Before, I was a captive to my dysphoria. It treated me as it willed, never let me rest, berated and beat me at it's leisure. I haven't escaped yet, but I'm standing up to my captor now. It's like I confused him at first and I caught a break, but now he's starting to figure out how to demoralize me again.

I was out with my partner to the mall yesterday buying my first pair of earrings (Squee!). The mall was quite crowded so there was, of course, plenty of women around. I checked them out, I still find women attractive, but every now and then I'd see something or someone that my dysphoria could get a foothold. 

One woman I seen had fantastic looking cleavage which catches everyone's eye. When I looked, I seen the appeal but I was immediately attacked by my captor.

"You'll never have that, you have to fake being a woman, THAT is a woman."

That was the first one, almost right at the beginning of our little outing, and it kept going the whole time. I'd see how comfortably the girls were fitting into their yoga pants, how beautiful so many of them looked without the need of makeup, their long hair, how easily they were all just beautifully feminine and they don't even need to try. All things I feel like I'll never feel, and my dysphoria telling me I'll never be. I felt so fake, like I'm pathetically trying be something I can't be. 

Then my captor finishes me off.

"You feel like that because you aren't a woman. You don't have a womb, you can't have children as a woman, the breasts and vagina you'll have, if ever, won't be natural, you will forever be a fake, pieced together, woman. Like some sort of Frankenstein." 

The only thing that saves me now is I can recognize which voice is mine and which is my captor. I can look up from the floor after taking a beating and say "go away." Most of the time it kinda works, but it's more like he just leaves my cage, closes the door, and stands outside, and waits

What makes it so hard is he's right. I don't get to say "Go away, you're wrong!" I only get to tell myself not to think about it. I was watching a youtube video a few months ago where the trans-woman on it was talking about how bad she was feeling that day. One of the things that was bothering her was she was dwelling on how she won't be able to pass on her genes as a woman, she could only do it as a man.

At the time I could still have children so I was thinking to myself why was that such a big deal? Not because I still could, but because I didn't feel the difference she was talking about. I just assumed it wasn't for me, felt bad for her, and moved on.

Now though I see exactly what she was talking about. Before I found out I couldn't have children at all I started to feel what she was feeling. I couldn't pass my dna as a woman, and I'm now starting to want kids. I'd never get to feel what it is like to carry a baby inside me, to feel it grow. To eventually give birth and breast feed my own baby. All things I'll never be able to do because I am a target of natures worse curse.

I wonder how long it will take for these feelings to go away or if they ever will. Will I ever feel like a real woman or will I forever feel like a half-breed? Will I ever feel accepting of this hand I was dealt? Will I ever generate the confidence to feel sexy, desired, womanly and feminine and use these obstacles as strength rather then weakness? That is the picture I have in my mind of a future me. It is the one thing I can tell myself to get me through these sort of days. The all powerful human "hope". I hope I will be the beautiful confident woman I picture myself as.

I have to cling to that.

Bar-bie Or Not Bar-bie?

There was a story covered by CBC about a transgender man, Chris Higdon, trying to get the government to pay for his double mastectomy.

http://www.cbc.ca/news/canada/newfoundland-labrador/transgender-man-fights-for-free-breast-removal-1.2420052

There is a lot of misinformation in the article and, in particular, in the comments. Some of the article is just a little tricky to pick through.

This surgery is covered by MCP. What he is asking for is that the doctors here be allowed to asses if he fits the criteria for MCP to cover it. As it is, he has to travel to Toronto to get assessed there, none of the expenses of the travel and stay being covered by MCP.

Besides expense some of the conditions are just silly. You have to be living a year as your preferred gender. I understand that, to a degree. What's so special about 1 year? But it's not real long, and it can single out some people... I guess.

You have to be referred by a doctor. This one is obvious and not even hard, it seems.

It starts to get silly when it comes to who you are allowed to go to to get the surgery done. MCP will not pay for it to be done in a private practice. So that leaves you with looking for a public clinic/hospital to find a plastic surgeon to do SRS.... impossible. So what happens? MCP pays for Tg's to go to other countries and get it done there... wtf?

All he, or any of us are asking for is for the unreasonable parts be made more reasonable. I have heard of CAMH being referred to as gatekeepers from many Tg's and articles and the more I find out, the more that seems so. I find it funny anyone would try to take any kind of responsibility for something that is entirely self diagnosed.

There is no reason this can't all be taken care of here in NL. No one told me I was transgender, I told everyone. If I was told by any doctor I wasn't, it my have led to suicide, or very deep depression but eventually (assuming not suicide) I would have not believed what I was told.

I have no good seque for what I want to say about this next. It's from a combination of reading peoples responses to that article and seeing the lack of reasonable health care for transgender people.

Many people think of this as being the same as elective cosmetic surgery, it is essentially what CAMH is pretending to avoid, paying for people to get cosmetic surgery. I don't see the logic however.

So, someone who was born as a male wants to have breast surgery done. Explain how a cis gender male would get that as cosmetic surgery? Is there really a concern that cis gender people may get these sort of surgeries and end up regretting it?

It's not the same as a woman wanting to have "nicer boobs". Breast development from HRT is different in everyone. Some are lucky and they naturally grow female looking breasts, others not so much. I'm only 4 months in, so I'm not really judging my possible progress, but if I were to end up looking much the same I would stay dysphoric. Right now I have an "A" cup but it's an "A" on top of a male chest and I'll see it that way until the hormones change it, if they don't then I will eventually have to get breast surgery, that is something I'm coming to terms with even.

I hate that my dysphoria is comparable to some "rich bitch" who wants perky tits, according to some people you ask. The glaring ignorance is actually painful. To suggest that I have been living without breasts and a vagina all this time so I can continue, shows just how little you understand my past and how much I was not alive. As I've said before, us Tg's don't WANT to be Tg. It's like this, I want SRS (top and bottom) but it kills me that I want/have to. Every time I think about it, it reminds me of why it's even on my mind. Every time I look in the mirror I have to convince myself of the good changes that I can see just to not get too caught up in how male I look and ruin my entire day... or week.

The majority of us will tell you if we need any of these options. Many trans people are happy with not having surgeries, some don't even go with HRT. Practically the entire medical field says to the trans patient, "we aren't here to tell you you are or are not transgender, only you can know that." Yet I'm required to have someone who knows nothing about me decide if I actually mean it when I say "Yes, cut my penis off."

Is it really that hard for people to wrap their head around? I talk certain now because that's what I believe but I'm still undecided for my own surgeries because of the gravity of the decision. People understand what we are wanting here right? I was born male and I want to surgically remove my penis and add breasts and a vagina, if you can find a cis gender male who is willing to do that, I want to talk to them. If that somehow rings of superficial narcissistic desire I have to ask your reasoning.

Transgender people really have gone through enough already, really people. If my blog hasn't shown you that, or the article linked in this post, look up other stories from other Tg's and see what their lives have been like. I want to save them all, but it's impossible to reach the ones that aren't already out looking for help. Those who are need that break, transitioning is the answer to a life of anguish but it itself is a devastating hurricane. It's unfair to ask us to add extreme monetary expense on top of that. Particularly when everyone involved in a trans-persons life knows how much they need these surgeries (those who need them) and it's only the uninformed public that's keeping those trans-people from getting them.

MCP should cover whatever a doctor deems necessary and that's it. If you have doctors "prescribing" bad procedures/surgeries blame the doctors, don't punish the patients. I'm willing to bet the percentage of "bad choices" would be lower then five.

Little Martyr

I've decided to tell everyone what it was that has had me so lost for the last week. It is something that is very personal and I wasn't going to talk about it here at all but I am thinking now it's something any trans person should be aware of.

After approximately four months on HRT I can no longer have children of my own. It was something barely on my mind when I started but honestly I didn't take seriously. The reason for that is my entire life I had not wanted kids, I was afraid I would somehow pass on this curse I have been given. It is only now that I'm starting to transition, to be more comfortable in myself and the world around me, that I really want children of my own. The very thing that is making me want to be a mom is making me unable to, the irony isn't lost on me.

It has really made me feel like I have nothing to offer in life. I didn't feel like I had much before and now I don't even have basic reproduction available to me. It really makes me wonder why I'm hanging around for.

One of the reasons I didn't want to write this is because I can't think about it. If I do I become totally lost, feeling like a shell of a human being.

Some good has come of it, and that's what I'm here to talk about. Anyone from Newfoundland reading this probably knows that trans-health care here is under educated, my Dr being one of the main doctors for trans health in NL. You're sterility was something that is mentioned but not spoken about much. Things have been changed now, now every trans-patient will have their fertility checked before starting HRT along with the initial blood test.

Also while talking to her she explained how this is so new in general, and grateful this happened to me so it could help her help others. (She was tactful btw, but that's what it boils down to) So I offered her my help. I asked if there was anyway I could help make sure anything else like this doesn't happen, or help gain knowledge in general. She accepted my offer quickly, enough that it surprised me. She told me she's going to Thailand for a trans related meeting and asked me for questions to ask.

I have come up with plenty, but I want to ask anyone reading if you have any questions, about hormones in particular, please ask them. We have a great opportunity here to ask a doctor direct questions and get direct answers. For those who don't know, Thailand is the worlds leader in trans rights and health care and our questions are going to them. Leave a comment, or send me an email and I will add it to the list.

I think I had mentioned before that since coming out I've wanted to be an advocate for trans-health and rights. I seem to be starting that now. For anyone interested I will be speaking at the Transgender Day of Remembrance event being held at M.U.N. I'll be speaking on Nov 20th, you can find other details (location time, etc.) online or you can contact me.

I'm pretty excited about both of these things, hopefully it works out well and it would be wonderful if it led me closer to being a spokesperson. Hope to see you there.

Making Scents

To steal from a cliche, the only thing constant in my life now is change. It seems I've traveled this most recent tunnel of depression and am now out the other side.

I feel like I'm sitting back and watching my personality shape itself. I thought that was something I would get some say in to but it doesn't seem so much so. My week last week was a non-stop stream of bad news. Terrible news that I can't do anything about. That changes you. I haven't had to deal with these sort of feelings before because I've never been face to face with something I've want so much and is making me so happy. The majority of my past was made up of parts that I barely cared for. I didn't make much money, but I didn't care I had nothing to spend it on. My health was usually good but when I did have problems I didn't care. It didn't matter that I felt alone all the time, either. I always felt like I wasn't all that attached to this world.

Now so much more in my life is important to me. I am becoming a person that I want to cling to. I'm not saying I'm an amazing human being or anything just that this person I am now makes me feel alive, makes me want to be alive. These "normal" feelings of being a human being are powerful. I actually have no idea how the cis mind works I guess but I can't help but feel many of these powerful feelings are how people feel about themselves normally. Yes I know depression is rampant, but I'm talking basic feelings. Feeling like my skin belongs to me, or that my own mind isn't attacking me. Feeling calm in my own head is a brand-spanking-new feeling for me, one that still comes and goes.

Back to my personality being shaped. The only input I've had into how it's changing is how I decide things now. Before I would do something, or assume I am a certain way, or try to be a certain way for the people around me. I would assume it would make them happy or it would be what they would want. Now my feelings are in control. I only now realize I need to start to come to terms with not being able to control how I feel about things because now I do, assume, or try those things for me. More often now when I'm having a hard time with deciding something and it comes down to how I feel or how others would feel I go toward my own feelings. Every time I do that it's like dropping a weight off my shoulders.

I'm not talking being selfish either, I mean just being honest with my feelings. That's how I present it too, to myself or to others, "I'm sorry that simply makes me feel bad."

Mundane things as well. I was at a Wal-Mart the other day and I had little extra money so I decided to get myself a little something. Just that debate took a little effort, to get something or not, but that was more of a "should I spend this money or not.". Anyway, while walking around nothing really caught my attention until I looked down an aisle and seen what I thought was S&P grinders. When I got closer I realized it wasn't grinders it was scented oil and I thought, "Well crap, scented oil."

"Wait.... scented oil!"

I got fairly excited and looked around at the little selection they had, sniffed some oils, checked out the burner. I was looking a few minutes and I stopped and thought, "Never mind, I don't buy things like this." and walked away.

I argued back and forth with myself on why I should or should not buy it. Even though I had just decided to get something for myself with gift money, even though in total it was less then seven dollars, money was the defense I used for not getting something because it wasn't "who I am.". I walked around a little more until I finally realized what BS I was getting on with.

I wanted that oil, I was thinking about where in the house I'd put it, I was thinking about getting two, I was thinking how great it would be to have a nice pretty smell around the house and the only reason I wasn't getting it was because it wasn't something "I" would do.

Clearly myself and I are not communicating.

I picked it up, excited the whole time between deciding to buy it and getting home. I don't think there has been a day since I bought it that it wasn't lit. I love it, my partner loves it, the kiddo loves it. Such a simple thing bringing a little joy and it almost didn't happen because I have no idea who I am.

I flip flop on how I feel about that. Some days it depresses me a little, all this missed time getting to know myself. Most of the time I'm excited, it's really the only approach to take. I could get bogged down in feeling bad but that road just leads to worse things. It is an exciting time when you take the past out of the equation. I also have better tools to deal with finding myself then I had before and it can be liberating if I let it.

Not knowing who I am, exploring this new me, and getting in touch with my feelings seems to be the running themes of this blog. They really seem to be the focal point of this transition, for me. The physical and hormonal changes are wonderful, I wouldn't be in the same mental state that I am in right now if not for them. That is the key I think, they have calmed down the constant internal struggle I have had. They have given me the time to see there's an entire person behind all those walls that I need to find a doorway to.

Potpourri

I've mentioned before the powerful effect presenting female has on me. Today is another good example of that. After the news I had received from my doctor on Thursday I couldn't bring myself to go the full way with how I presented on Friday. I got a shower, shaved my face, and that was it. No make up, no wig, without those I look like a female body with a male face. The whole day I was miserable but I had a lot on my mind anyway.

It's hard to say how it goes really, do I feel bad and not dress, or not dress and feel bad. It really seem like it's both, like they are their own two forces working to make me feel awful. 

Today I didn't wake up feeling any better then yesterday. I had an interview to go to today though so I had to dress to go out. I felt mostly the same until the interview was over and on my way home I started to feel a little better. I've been feeling better throughout the day too. Every now and then when I think about things I don't want to right now I slip into tears or stare off into space for a while. For the most part though I can function, far better then I was yesterday. 

I still feel totally lost, like I don't belong, as about as disconnected from other people as I could possibly be, but I guess it's not weighing as heavy today. 

It is nice going out in the public now and I can tell everyone believes I'm female. Being blatantly "sized up" by guys makes me giggle. Being in public used to make me scared, now it makes me feel better, every time I'm out I don't want to come back in. That's something that has done a complete 180 for me. I used to be a hermit, now I want to be out all the time, or have people over. I still like my alone time but I don't absolutely need it and as frequently, like I used to. 

I've been cooking all day, that usually makes me smile. I've been trying to figure out how to set up my camera to make a few cooking videos but I'm not having much luck. I thought I'd be helpful since I mentioned losing weight as one of the things for feminizing yourself. I have several meals that are delicious and you can lose weight on them, promise. Maybe I'll get into a few posts about diet and nutrition too if I ever figure out the camera.

And while I'm at it. When I did write that post about feminizing tips I had just started switching from shaving my chest and stomach to plucking. I want to say plucking is completely the way to go. My chest looks so much better now, and doesn't feel burny at all. (yeah that's right, "burny") Since I'm taking hormones as well the majority of my chest and stomach hair has started to fade and get softer as I pluck them.

I guess that's it today, I didn't want to get into the heavy stuff too much,

I Thought I Said Please?

I've decided to write a post today despite all better judgement and advice. Yesterday I went to the doctor and got told something that is changing me profoundly, and is the final nail in the coffin. Excuse me if I'm a little vague today

I'm almost certain I'm at rock bottom. I say almost because being certain just invites being shown differently. I'm home alone today and I can't even think of my own self without bursting into tears. I've been passing time with the Daily Show and some PS3. I feel like everything about me has never and will never produce anything good. My personality, likes, dislikes, wants, desires, education, etc. all of it creating nothing of value, most of it tearing things apart. 

Like how intelligent I think I am. I try to talk modestly of how intelligent I think I am, but I suppose do come across like think I'm quite smart.

But I don't. Know what I really think about it? I think I'm just stupid enough to think I'm brilliant and not know the difference. When I look at my life there really is more evidence to support that then any other idea. 

I need something about *Me* to lead to something good for once. Anything. Let me be an expert knitter, I don't care, just something. 

How many more hits before I fall down I wonder? It's almost becoming a game for me now. The bad news, bad feelings, bad thoughts, dismantled relationship, the dissolving ego, let's just keep it all coming. Why not? Let's see just how high shit can stack, that's the game now isn't it?

It's amazing how just a few weeks ago I was here talking about how good I felt and now I feel like nothing has ever gone right, and never will, I'm living a life of self contained torture. Can someone please tell me which one will be the norm eventually? Please?

I can't keep guessing.

I don't know what to do, I don't know where to go, I don't know who I am.

I'm not sure if I'm supposed to be here.

Please Stop

I had intended on writing some vicious letter to no one in particular about the state of MCP and trans care here in Canada. I made the mistake of actually thinking about the question "How are you doing?" I got from a friend and it shifted my mood.

I was something similar to angry, it's beyond frustrating to see all the available options I have to make my body feel right but have no access to it simply because of money. As usual, money is the gatekeeper to happiness.

I'm not feeling like that any more. Now I feel more of an impotent depression. There is just too much, I feel like I'm trying to dam the ocean with my hands. Whenever I think for a second that maybe I have a handle on things all I have to do is look around and I can see I'm accomplishing nothing. The incredibly rare times I actually feel not bad there is always someone or something around to remind me it's not as good as I think it is.

I don't know how much longer I can bare all of this. I wrote before how it seems like I have made little sacrifices since coming out, that I made them all before. I'm starting to think those sacrifices are still yet to come.

Something is going to have to give and I feel like I have no control over what that is. I'm honestly just doing my best to deflect it from not landing on my own life. I hate being in this spot where suicide seems like the perfect answer, but it certainly is. All my problems will go away, I'll stop thinking finally, I'll stop feeling like I do nothing but destroy everything around me, only fitting I be the last thing I destroy. I'd leave one problem behind, and that is the problem of others getting over the loss. Regardless of what people say, time takes care of that problem.

Lately my transition has actually been what has kept those thoughts at bay. It seemed somewhat foolish to commit suicide while I'm in the middle of transitioning. That's exactly why I'm doing this, to prevent suicide from happening. The last two days though as I look down the road of transition it looks too long and impossible. There are too many things I need to try to balance, most of which conflict with each other. There is only so much more pressure I can take and my knife will start cutting. Have a problem with no solution? Let it go, make it not my problem anymore. 

People say they are there for me for support, and I appreciate the sentiment, but the reality is I'm doing this by myself. I have no one in my life willing/wanting/trying to help me resolve any of this, does anyone? People are ok with being someone to talk to, but let's face it, it's only talk at. I doubt I have someone's full attention across a text screen while they are at work, or home with children/spouses/TV. 

 Well look at that, I just laid out the trinity of depression; loneliness, overwhelming pressure and loss of control. I really need this to stop, I really need a day where something gets better rather then worse, or more gets added to the list. I only have so many days of looking on the bright side left in me before the darkness has its way. 

Information Correction.

In a previous post that I wrote about some feminizing tips I said electrolysis is the most expensive, and arguably the most important, thing You'll be doing here in Canada. I have found out that isn't true. 

I wasn't misinformed I misinterpreted what I was told. MCP only covers SRS and that is a long, complicated process that, apparently, the majority of trans people who get surgeries done actually don't bother going through MCP.

So, electrolysis is like the fourth or fifth most expensive thing you'll do. I'd still suggest it's the most important for passing at least. You can pass without breasts and with a penis, but it's very difficult to pass with a heavy beard shadow.

Anyway, I wanted to clear that up. Finding that out yesterday is a big part of why I am feeling overwhelmed now. 

Sun Worship

My future is feeling a little overwhelming to me today. There seems to be an endless amount of things to do before I become the woman I want. Just about every task ahead has proven impossible for me in the past. The scale, the difficulty, the shear number of things I see to come has my mind spider-webbing off on thought after thought every time I get a second to pause.

I feel like I never get a break. I have fairly busy days, like anyone else. Things to do like anyone else. I've become a stay at home mom for the time being, so I'm cooking meals, doing laundry, cleaning the house. Now that I'm going out full time I run a hand full of errands. I take care of the kiddo since my partner is working. I take care of myself, showers, shaving, exercise, entertainment, this blog those sort of things, again like anyone else.

I have money problems, like anyone else. I have no job, though I'm looking. I have no real chance of getting a good paying job, so money won't be good for a while. I really have the desire to save money (a first for me). There are things I want to do that right now seem impossible, and realistically may always be because of money. Like everyone else.

I'm constantly worried about my relationship. This transition is an all consuming thaumaturgy that I cannot control and it seems few people are safe, particularly those closest to me. I don't want to talk too much about my relationship in a blog, but I'm finding myself  just stuck. My partner isn't happy and I know it, and I know why, and I understand  but there is so much I have no control over and I'm watching that slowly chip away at the pristine relationship we had. My version of everyone's relationship problems.

As life is for many people. I squeeze out the occasional respite from all these worries like anyone else, I play some games, drink a little to much on one night, go to bed early some night. But...

how do I get a break from me?

Everything I do has my transition in it's undertone. Not much different then before I came out, then it was the constant question. Even when I'm doing nothing my transition is some how in play. I think ahead, like anyone would, some of it planning, some of it wondering, some worrying. I think to the past, what have I done, what could I have done. The present can be hard, I start paying great attention to anything and everything that my transition would effect. Everything from how I'm holding my arms while I'm sitting in a crowd to "this" wouldn't be happening if not for my transition.

Right now objectively my transition seems like the worst idea I ever had. The checklist of things to do are gargantuan. The process will be long, and costly. My career is one of those costs. My partner may end up another. It's the life equivalent of pushing a button on a mechanical bull and just holding on, hoping not everything gets shaken loose. The only thing I have to "show" for it is the intangible feelings I get and have.

I've never had anything in my life that I have done so much for me. I have no reason to do any of this other then to make me happy. I mentioned before that I'm learning how feelings are a rough user manual for ones self. This is the first time I've felt like I'm doing something for me and I didn't have to convince myself to do it. I've been selfish before but it always came with its measure of justification. Now, at this stage I guess, I don't feel like I need to justify anything to anyone. I'm doing this because it makes me feel so much better... that's it, that's really all I got.

All these other problems that are a result of, or made acute by, my transition I feel them, I really do. I want to fix them, I wish I could, or even better I wish I didn't have to. I wish I didn't have to transition and I could have had the same clarity then as I do now. The people I'm hurting, or confusing, or both, I'm so very sorry. It kills me that this is happening to them, it really does.

When I look at things though, and I want to fix them, or I wish it wasn't happening. It's inevitable I eventually think, "But I can't, and it is.". I see these problems and what's causing them, and while before I would have felt terrible (in fact it would normally be a window for my dysphoria), now I just feel how much better I feel and I can't imagine not doing whatever it is for me to feel like this.

It's strange in a way I can't describe to see all of these overwhelming complications and have my response be basically a shoulder shrug and a "this is how it is" sort of attitude. I'm happy, apparently no one truly comprehends how world shattering that is.

I feel like I'm some kind of important business CEO or whatever. People are beating on my door with appointments that need to be kept, people with things they want me to get done, and people with things they need me to get done. I hear them knocking and yelling through my door, but instead of letting them in I just turn around and stare at the clouds through the window, sip on my cognac, close my eyes and turn my face to the sun.

The Stalker

The last time I seen my therapist I believe it was more like a happy chat then a therapy session. It was a little different but refreshing, and I still got to talk about things I needed to talk about. This session came with an ominous warning. Well I don't know if she meant it that way but it felt like one. We were talking about how good I have been feeling the last week. Normally when she asks me how my week was I say something like, "up and down." but this time I said "Good. I had a pretty good week."  Now I don't remember this exactly, and I don't remember what I said to make her respond like this, but she said something like.

"The up and down you have is very normal with this (the dysphoria), you know with all those weeks you come in here that are good and bad. I'm not surprised you are telling me this today."

I love the way she talks, btw, so smooth, lol. So I said, "Are you telling me I'm going to be in here in a mess next week?" While laughing.

Her response was more or less, "Well no but." I got the hint.

And damnit if she wasn't right. Now I'm not that silly, I knew I wasn't feeling some miraculous over night healing, I really just felt better. I did think though, maybe when it came around again, I'll be able to handle it better.

I noticed it late in the week. Glances at myself in the mirror that would not have bothered me the previous week are now making me look away from the mirror in disgust. It's almost like I'm anorexic, my partner tells me I have a slender body and all I see is an overweight male. I just look misshaped to me.

I can recognize when the dysphoria is knocking on my door now, most of the time. It's like living in a horror movie. At first the killer is walking around haunting, tormenting, removing who/whatever he wants at his leisure. I'm at the part now that I know the killer is after me. I hear him coming, his footsteps, his axe scraping on the ground, and it scares me now. Now I run away. I'm trying to avoid feeling that again.

But he's always there

My doubt has started to creep back in too, I guess they go hand in hand. Every moment of dysphoric ideas, like my "man body.",  is accompanied with it's share of doubt. It's like leaving a bad relationship. You do it at first because you have to, but later something reminds you of the past and you wonder if you did the right things. Everything is good right now so you don't remember the bad stuff.

I can remember that I used to be miserable, but I don't feel it now. My day to day life feels much better, so I doubt my "choice" to transition. Funny how I can know, but I can't feel how the transition is what is making these days feel better. Not to mention my doubt is clearly linked to the feelings of dysphoria, but yet it seems so real, so legitimate of a self question.

I know now though these are feelings I'm having that I'm working on resolving, not this impossible question with no good answer. I'm just really scared to feel like that again.

Reel To Real

Yesterday was too busy of day for me to get a post up. One of the things I did yesterday was go to a movie, Ender's Game for anyone interested. I read the book, many many times, and the movie ain't so bad. Anyway..

While I was standing in line with my partner for some snacks I suddenly remembered this was only the second time I've been out to a movie. Was it ever different then the first time. 

The first time I went to a movie was just after coming out, maybe a month. It was also one of the first times I went in public presenting female. Maybe the fourth or fifth time. I was so scared. I managed to get a few friends together and my partner for safety in numbers, but I was too scared to walk away from the group on my own, worried that someone would want to talk to me, even a simple hello was worrisome. 

When friends go out like that, little things tend to happened that break one of all of us up, almost always out of some sort of efficiency. Someone gets the popcorn while others use the bathroom or get seats or whatever, I'm sure you know what I mean. I felt useless, like a kid, a drag net slowing people down. I couldn't be by myself so every talk had to include "What will we do with Becky?" 

This time though it was completely different. It was just myself and my partner, we were standing in the line up for snacks. I was there just talking to my partner, thinking about if I wanted to pay a grand for some popcorn or not. I paused for a moment and looked around and realized I was in a very crowded area and I felt fine. Don't get me wrong, I wasn't super confident or anything, I was still concerned people could tell but I felt so much better about it. For one I thought it would be pretty hard to tell, you'd have to look pretty closely, and two I actually wasn't too scared of someone finding out. That is almost certainly a product of not having any bad responses from people who have found out, so I'm guessing that will change in the future when someone reminds me there are still bigots in the world.

Anyway it was nice to just go to a movie, there wasn't any build up, the worst part of the day was trying to figure out the bus to meet up with my partner. I had no anxiety, in fact I think I've mentioned, I like riding the bus now. It's a good combination of public but with an unspoken privacy that makes it feel just safe enough for me to "get out there."

It's amazing the power just having people see me has. People accept you with their eyes, I tend to avoid eye contact but you can watch where their eyes go and how they react. Every smile, every time someone "checks me out." it makes me feel better. Even the non-reactions are great, someone looks at me, sizes  me up and goes "meh", that's perfect! I don't need any more attention then that. 

Oh, and the bus drivers are flirts, every one of them, lol.

One more thing before I go, there was something I said to my partner that after I said it I realized how... "well fitting." it was. I simply asked her "Do you remember the first time I came out to a movie?" she started to talk about our first movie together until I corrected her, "No I mean, *my* first time." She knew what I meant then and we started talking about it. 

I started thinking right away though, I really meant my first time. I really felt like this was only my second time out to a movie in my entire life. Then I realized how I felt like my entire life is about 4 months long right now. There will come days that that idea will make me feel bad, I'll dwell on the lost time. For now though it's kinda nice. I didn't mean to start thinking or feeling that way, like all these experiences are the first time I've experienced it, but it utterly feels that way. Every thing I do now is for the first time and it gives me a real sense of being this new person. Having that realization makes me want to approach every situation like that as well. As scary as new things are Id rather feel scared about the anxiety over something different then feeling like I've done this before in another body I don't want to remember. To approach things with a curious innocence because I don't know how I'll react to things now. I don't know how I feel about situations that would have been mundane before and I'm excited to look at everything with new eyes.

My eyes.