So a quick post to say I'll be back in the new year for certain, and I will try to get a few posts done between now and then.
Take care and Merry Christmas
Take care of yourselves
Rebecca
Saturday 28 December 2013
Christmas Break
Well I've sat in front of my computer several times over Christmas, even got a few posts started but it has become apparent I won't be able to get much done during these days. Kiddos, Christmas, chores and shoveling all having separate plans for me then I do :p
Sunday 22 December 2013
Killing Us Softly
I'm about to write on a topic that I've been meaning to for a while but I wasn't sure how I would approach it. Before I go on here, I want to give a bit of a warning, or really ask some forgiveness. I'm going to set aside most of my empathy and understanding of other people's problems, and even get into a little of "my life sucks more then yours." but it's because of the topic.
The second thing Red Durkin talked about when I seen her in November was a short story about a few friends of hers. It was actually a little speech she gave before going on with her comedy routine. It was a little bit ago so I don't remember the details, but I do remember the important parts.
She was telling us of two friends of hers.The first was a MtF transsexual, I can't remember specifically but she had a good job, and plenty of friends and support going through her transition. Everyone seemed to think she was a good person, and I think I remember Red saying she was well liked.
She walked in front of a subway car one day.
The other person she was talking about was also in Red's circle of friends, also MtF. Someone who knew this first girl for not very long, only a few weeks if I recall. She was devastated when she heard, to the point of uncontrollable crying that she couldn't talk. When she finally could she asked Red,
"How many times have you had to do this?"
Her question dripping with implications. "How often do you watch a friend end their own life over this?"
This is our reality. There is one statistic I made a point to remember out of all of the random trans-stats I've seen. That is, in Canada, transgender people have a 50% suicide rate. To put that in perspective Canada's national average is less then 1%.
Think about that. If you know two transgender people, statistically, one of them will commit suicide. That is staggering. If there is anything that expresses how difficult a transgender person's life is, it is these two stats next to each other
I have thought of, and attempted suicide that often in my life it doesn't even bother me anymore. Thinking of suicide has become second nature. Look at what suicide is though, it is the ultimate "run away from your problems" sort of answer.
Don't think that takes any measure of weakness at all, just because you (dear cis) think suicide is such a distant solution for you. Take myself for example. I am a pit bull, really. If you get me started, push me to defend myself or fix an "impossible" problem, or whatnot, I'll take you/it on without hesitation. And trust me, you best be prepared, and that problem is getting fixed, no questions.
When it came to myself though, you have to understand the unbelievable weight of impossible that is in my life. I hazard to say this gets worse and worse the more a transgender waits in life to transition, like myself. You have to understand how coming out, starting your path to recovery, feels about as comforting as killing yourself before you actually do it. It's a condition of the human mind, anything you haven't done before comes with it's measure of anxiety. Coming out is already the scariest thing on your mind, never mind you haven't done it before. You inevitably think of every worse possible outcome.
One of those worst outcomes is ending up totally alone. I was lucky, literally everyone in my life has accepted me. Most people aren't that lucky, you hear of many horror stories of teens being kicked out of their houses, adults loosing careers, husbands, wives. There was no good reason at any point in my life to think I wouldn't somehow end up in the same position, one thing I've learned is you never know people's reaction to this, even if you know them well.
What would you chose? Alive, but no friends, no family, literally no one in your life to talk to or be around, totally alone. On top of being totally alone, it's a result of this secret that even you have no idea about. Everyone knows this about you now and have shunned you away. Everyone knows the real you, and no one wants anything to do with you.
Or dead?
Not so much of an easy choice.
Your perspective doesn't give you much room to work with either. For me, I hated myself. This "problem" we have doesn't come with a set of rules, I just knew *I* wasn't "right", and I hated myself for it. Nothing about me seemed the way it should be. Every time I'd say or do something stupid, or something that made a friend think a little bit less of me, it would tear away at me. I wouldn't be that way if I wasn't so "fucked up". It affected every single part of my life.
Nothing I did would make it go away either, nothing. For a problem solver like me, that is brutishly hard. It wasn't even a problem I could think of something to try, maybe get a little results, and try again. I stone-walled myself every time. If I thought of anything, like the pathetic attempts I did do, it solved nothing, nada. In fact it always made things worse. I couldn't shove this away and not think about it, it plagued my life. I couldn't "squeeze" out a bit of comfort, like wearing panties, because when I did it would snowball to an uncontrollable place that I would have to turn away from.
I had no where left to go. Suicide was the only option that didn't leave me vulnerable... ironic, no?
Unless you've been suicidal I don't think I can explain how insurmountable all of these questions with no solutions are. It isn't exactly an "easy way out" sort of decision. For me it was one of two answers left for this impossible question. It was the easier way of the two, and quite honestly, only because it was the more sure answer I had.
How did I not chose suicide? Honestly, I can't say I didn't. I wanted to, many times. I have... too many times. Funny enough, the HRT changing my skin has resurfaced a few attempts around my wrists. While I'm being honest, I can't say I still don't. I have far less days now with it coming to mind, but it still does. It's hard for people to see the daily challenges I face because of being transgender. I don't even have to get out of bed and my mind can find enough things to start feeling like I'm trying to move a mountain.
If you can somehow manage to add up all of the pain I have written about so far, it is that plus more that makes a transgender life incredibly hard. There's another stat I remember, that is over 80% of transgender people have attempted suicide. That is mind blowing, and I know it's true. That means practically every transgender person you've spoken with has attempted to end their life at some point. I know every trans I have spoken with has.
This isn't the result of some massive pity party either. In fact, most people who commit or attempt suicide don't want your pity at all, otherwise they would have asked for it and not be suicidal right now. For me, it's a result of hating everything about me and having everyone around me, knowingly or unknowingly, despise the side of me that I feel most comfortable in. For me the idea of wanting to wear women's clothing, and be shaped like a woman is as simple as wanting to paint my room a different color. It's that simple for every other women, isn't it? But it has been made into my biggest issue I've had to deal with in life. Unless you've been there, I can't describe the frustration of being violently acted against just because of the colors, or materials I like close to my skin.
I've been sitting here writing this waiting for some sort of "ah ha!" moment to happen but then I realized, there isn't one. There is no "ah ha!" to explain this. For one, the road to and reasons for someone being suicidal are completely dependent on the person. Obviously there are some common grounds here, otherwise their wouldn't be so many of us thinking the same way, but how we all got here is probably different.
Besides that, how do you explain consciously, comfortably choosing to end your own life to someone who never has? How do you explain that because of society, because of things done and said by everyone closest to you from your parents to your best friend to your teachers to close and distant relatives, and even worse yourself, that you feel like ending your life is the better, more practical, most helpful to others decision you could make? I guess I can't. I guess you'd have to live my life and feel all the pain I've been put through, and most everyone like me has faced. You'd have to feel the pressure to be the complete opposite of who you are to your very core, and the dysphoria that creates, in a very real sense. Your mind just will not be content.
Like I said, this is the reality for many, should I say most, transgender people. I find we all put on a great facade. Every trans person I've talked to seems very happy with themselves now. They are those that have come out though, even if I happen to be the only one who knows (not true for anyone as far as I know) that person has still told someone, and that's taking them out of the dark at least that little. You can tell how hurt they haven been in the past by how easily they all speak of it.
"Oh my father hates me, but whatever."
"I lost my wife but I'm better off now anyway."
"Yeah I lost my job but it gave me more options in the long run."
"Finding a relationship that I can tell will probably never happen, but I can be happy anyway."
Each of those are statements I've heard and they were spoken of and passed over as simply as dinner plans last weekend. Why? Because every single one of them has dealt with that or more, especially as those standing there as, at least, semi-confident women and men.
It's the ones that haven't that scare me, if half of the trans-people that have come out will kill themselves what are the chances for the ones that haven't?
To connect this to the real world, that's why we can't have people in high profile places saying bigoted opinions about things they clearly have no experience with. These people are literally, as if gun in hand, killing people around us. How many of those 50% seen one too many religious zealots telling them they will go to hell and believed it? How many watched some TV show where the most popular of the cast spews some LGBT hatred and their popularity saved them, but kills the gender confused?
If there is anything I can inspire among my readers it is this; The lives of the LGBT community have been difficult. Speaking for transgender people specifically, our lives are nightmares. It's only when finally transitioning do we start to feel some calm, and that only happens if we have support from people around us. Much of our pain is feeling we will never be accepted, so that is the most important thing to many of us. Another good bit of it is never having a sense of feeling comfortable, never, with no sense of accomplishment. This thing you want to do the most is what you've been not doing for your entire life. It leaves you feeling like nothing will ever work out for you, it'll never be "ok".
I really should stop here, obviously this is something I can talk about for a long time. I told my partner what I was writing about and she jokingly requested I say, "P.S. I'm not going to kill myself."
So well, I'll give the honest version. I don't think I'll kill myself. I often wonder if I'll be that woman Red talked about. Everything seeming to be going fine, but one day I can't handle any more. I guess I'm, in a sense, constantly on vigil about it and perhaps that will save me. I don't want to anymore, I want to keep transitioning and see how this turns out.
Saturday 21 December 2013
Quack
I almost conceded to the urge to write more aggressively, more accusatory about this whole Duck Dynasty business going on right now. I apparently can't resist the urge to say something about it, probably because it is freaking everywhere. I think, though, I'm going to take a slightly different approach.
I didn't watch it and don't intend too, but I have read several articles about it. The reason I don't intend too is simply because I don't watch that show or shows like it, not my cup of tea, and I'm not going to just for this. That being said, the issue now isn't really what he said it has turned into a freedom of speech debate, so that's what I'm going to talk about more.
Where do we draw the line, or does there even need to be one? Well, that's sorta tricksy isn't it? In theory, I would suggest no line what-so-ever, however in practice the line is decided by people. What should vs. What is. Which one is "correct"?
I agree with the ideologists, there should be no line. Human beings should be able to do and say what they please. I am actually extremist in this view. I think people should be able to do anything, that isn't just limited to your voice and sexual/gender orientation, I include your political and social views. Everything in your lifestyle, what you wear, your education or lack of, if you want to do drugs, your job, financial situation, the words you chose to speak with, who you have sex with, "how" you have sex, hobbies.... whatever, really.
However, I actually completely agree with the realists. This isn't how the world works, it really doesn't seem how human beings are programmed. Laws and regulations are all made up, they are fiction. People know that but don't seem to "get it", *We* decided what is ok for people to do and say, public consensus decides how society turns, it doesn't have to be on a ballot to be that way. When society, I guess, "notices" something just feels morally wrong the tides of change are always inevitable. They may take a long time, many of our moral shifts we look back on while slapping ourselves in the face thinking "How the hell COULD we....?", but they happen.
Our society is on a gender/sexuality moral shift right now, and beware if you are on the opposing side. I promise you there will be a time when we look back and the LGBT discrimination and slap ourselves in the face. Right now, people need their face slapped for them, just like the beginning of any of these moral shifts.
You simply can't get away with being hard on someones gender, or sexual preference these days like you could before, people don't like it. As more of the community come out and more of the "normal" (that's a term I use loosely) world sees we are "normal" too we increase our influence exponentially That's not to say our job is done, and it's remarks like Mr. Duck's that remind us we aren't finished.
That's the problem, you remind us. You remind us of a time where views like that were wide spread, and it was dangerous to be LGBTQ (I don't think I know them all, sorry...) As it is, people are killed simply for not being straight-cis. Today, right now while you're reading this post of mine someone is being violently killed because they don't have sex like "you" do. Let that sink in a bit before you go on....
Do I really need to say "That's not ok."?
Freedom of speech is a very powerful thing, I guess we have too much of it so we forget. Like all powerful things it comes with responsibility. You have the power to say what you want, and what you say can influence things in ways unknown to you. You have the responsibility to deal with the consequences of your words, otherwise you are not ready to carry such power and society will be certain to let you know.
"Freedom of speech" doesn't equal "Freedom from responsibility."
I didn't watch it and don't intend too, but I have read several articles about it. The reason I don't intend too is simply because I don't watch that show or shows like it, not my cup of tea, and I'm not going to just for this. That being said, the issue now isn't really what he said it has turned into a freedom of speech debate, so that's what I'm going to talk about more.
Where do we draw the line, or does there even need to be one? Well, that's sorta tricksy isn't it? In theory, I would suggest no line what-so-ever, however in practice the line is decided by people. What should vs. What is. Which one is "correct"?
I agree with the ideologists, there should be no line. Human beings should be able to do and say what they please. I am actually extremist in this view. I think people should be able to do anything, that isn't just limited to your voice and sexual/gender orientation, I include your political and social views. Everything in your lifestyle, what you wear, your education or lack of, if you want to do drugs, your job, financial situation, the words you chose to speak with, who you have sex with, "how" you have sex, hobbies.... whatever, really.
However, I actually completely agree with the realists. This isn't how the world works, it really doesn't seem how human beings are programmed. Laws and regulations are all made up, they are fiction. People know that but don't seem to "get it", *We* decided what is ok for people to do and say, public consensus decides how society turns, it doesn't have to be on a ballot to be that way. When society, I guess, "notices" something just feels morally wrong the tides of change are always inevitable. They may take a long time, many of our moral shifts we look back on while slapping ourselves in the face thinking "How the hell COULD we....?", but they happen.
Our society is on a gender/sexuality moral shift right now, and beware if you are on the opposing side. I promise you there will be a time when we look back and the LGBT discrimination and slap ourselves in the face. Right now, people need their face slapped for them, just like the beginning of any of these moral shifts.
You simply can't get away with being hard on someones gender, or sexual preference these days like you could before, people don't like it. As more of the community come out and more of the "normal" (that's a term I use loosely) world sees we are "normal" too we increase our influence exponentially That's not to say our job is done, and it's remarks like Mr. Duck's that remind us we aren't finished.
That's the problem, you remind us. You remind us of a time where views like that were wide spread, and it was dangerous to be LGBTQ (I don't think I know them all, sorry...) As it is, people are killed simply for not being straight-cis. Today, right now while you're reading this post of mine someone is being violently killed because they don't have sex like "you" do. Let that sink in a bit before you go on....
Do I really need to say "That's not ok."?
Freedom of speech is a very powerful thing, I guess we have too much of it so we forget. Like all powerful things it comes with responsibility. You have the power to say what you want, and what you say can influence things in ways unknown to you. You have the responsibility to deal with the consequences of your words, otherwise you are not ready to carry such power and society will be certain to let you know.
"Freedom of speech" doesn't equal "Freedom from responsibility."
Thursday 19 December 2013
So This Is Christmas
I had a pretty fun day yesterday. I was out shopping for christmas with my parents and came home to putting up the tree with my partner and kiddo. Good times. :)
Ahhh, Christmas, oh how you've punctuated my life. I vaguely remember young christmas, visiting both grandparents, cousins, aunts and uncles. Putting up the tree with my parents in that little apartment.
The couch I found Six-Shot hidden in, a transformer I wanted.
Many of those years had christmas's that made me very happy, like it's supposed to be. It was a time of nothing but pure joy, accompanied with plenty of snow to make forts in and hot chocolate to warm up with.
My teen years though, those changed everything. Christmas always felt like a time for family for me. It was the only time I seen all of them together, and honestly one of only a few times a year that I seen some of them at all. I always felt like christmas was a time of setting aside differences, forgetting about what's going on in your life and the world outside those doors, and getting in touch with your family and love ones. That feeling, ultimately made me feel so sad, so alone, completely lost and by myself. I felt christmas should be like that, but it didn't matter, I was forever shut away from everyone and I couldn't be myself and comfortable ever. Christmas became depressing for me. It didn't matter how well I forgot about my "problem" that year when christmas and new year's came around I was always reminded of how alone I was. I used to sit with my family and mostly listen because I found when I spoke I caused trouble. So I listened, just to feel something from everyone. I tried to revel in their passion for each other, since I wasn't really involved myself. After listening and not getting involved started to overwhelm me with reminders of WHY I'm just sitting listening, I always made my presence scarce. I imagine my actions made my family think I felt the complete opposite toward them that I did. I just felt the way they were thinking about myself, not them.
I can't express how strong the feeling of being alone was during this time of year, I really can't. The days between christmas eve to new years day was when I attempted suicide most often, maybe that'll help explain.
Wow some of those memories are hard...
So back to yesterday before this turns too depressing. Yesterday I was cooking a roast chicken dinner, working on the gravy while my partner and kiddo were decorating the tree. The sense of family started to creep into me, that feeling of christmas I used to have 25 years ago. I was a little distracted with dinner but I noticed the feeling and smiled. Dinner was ready before the tree was done, so we ate first and went back to the decorating.
When we started again I was doing some decorating as well. After a bit though, I sat down with my tea and watched the other two. Gradually that feeling of this being "real" started to well up inside me. I started associating the kiddo with me when I was younger and myself and partner as my parents. I noticed I was making memories (I actually noticed memories being made, yes, I'm fucked), and connecting everything happening. I realized I was living right *now* and I haven't felt that way since before my teens. I didn't feel alone in the slightest, I just came from my parents, and I was sitting with my family.
I realized I had felt this way for a fair bit during the last while, weeks or days. Feeling it in a setting I can compare it to from my past made me that much more aware of it, and aware of how different I feel now.
I started to cry. I was so overwhelmed I literally couldn't handle it. I was sitting, thinking, feeling, and crying and my partner asked me what was wrong. I couldn't talk so I said I'll explain later but she made me think even more, even deeper. I actually had to stop, I stood up and walked around the kitchen and tried to focus on something else. That feeling was as totally uncontrollable as terror except it felt so good all I could do was cry. Honestly the only reason I didn't ride the wave, so to speak, was because of the kiddo being there, I didn't really want to be an emotional mess in front of her.
The calm I bring to familiar situations now is starting to hit me more often then before. That was one of the biggest reasons that feeling was so hard to control yesterday. Besides how over whelming it was I also started to feel how calm, and content I felt. How simply at ease I was/am and how that has never been a feeling I brought to these situations before. Essentially I felt incredible about feeling incredible... it was quite a snowball effect. It's a feeling I trigger often, I notice how good I feel doing anything, the mundane to the complex. I find myself singing and dancing, while cleaning, or cooking. Walking around the mall... ok, ok.. bouncing around the mall, lip syncing every song I hear while out, sometimes while being very animated.
I'd have the desire, the ache, to do many of those things but never did because that's "not what guys do". Now I do something like that and I catch myself in this conversation..
"Psst, Becky. Whatcha doing girl?"
"I'm singing and dancing. :)"
"You're in Walmart, btw."
(look around) "I am aren't I? Hmm, well I probably look cute right?"
"Yeah, probably. :)"
"On with the dancing then!"
A situation that never would have had the chance to happen a few months ago.
God I love being a girl.
Ahhh, Christmas, oh how you've punctuated my life. I vaguely remember young christmas, visiting both grandparents, cousins, aunts and uncles. Putting up the tree with my parents in that little apartment.
The couch I found Six-Shot hidden in, a transformer I wanted.
Many of those years had christmas's that made me very happy, like it's supposed to be. It was a time of nothing but pure joy, accompanied with plenty of snow to make forts in and hot chocolate to warm up with.
My teen years though, those changed everything. Christmas always felt like a time for family for me. It was the only time I seen all of them together, and honestly one of only a few times a year that I seen some of them at all. I always felt like christmas was a time of setting aside differences, forgetting about what's going on in your life and the world outside those doors, and getting in touch with your family and love ones. That feeling, ultimately made me feel so sad, so alone, completely lost and by myself. I felt christmas should be like that, but it didn't matter, I was forever shut away from everyone and I couldn't be myself and comfortable ever. Christmas became depressing for me. It didn't matter how well I forgot about my "problem" that year when christmas and new year's came around I was always reminded of how alone I was. I used to sit with my family and mostly listen because I found when I spoke I caused trouble. So I listened, just to feel something from everyone. I tried to revel in their passion for each other, since I wasn't really involved myself. After listening and not getting involved started to overwhelm me with reminders of WHY I'm just sitting listening, I always made my presence scarce. I imagine my actions made my family think I felt the complete opposite toward them that I did. I just felt the way they were thinking about myself, not them.
I can't express how strong the feeling of being alone was during this time of year, I really can't. The days between christmas eve to new years day was when I attempted suicide most often, maybe that'll help explain.
Wow some of those memories are hard...
So back to yesterday before this turns too depressing. Yesterday I was cooking a roast chicken dinner, working on the gravy while my partner and kiddo were decorating the tree. The sense of family started to creep into me, that feeling of christmas I used to have 25 years ago. I was a little distracted with dinner but I noticed the feeling and smiled. Dinner was ready before the tree was done, so we ate first and went back to the decorating.
When we started again I was doing some decorating as well. After a bit though, I sat down with my tea and watched the other two. Gradually that feeling of this being "real" started to well up inside me. I started associating the kiddo with me when I was younger and myself and partner as my parents. I noticed I was making memories (I actually noticed memories being made, yes, I'm fucked), and connecting everything happening. I realized I was living right *now* and I haven't felt that way since before my teens. I didn't feel alone in the slightest, I just came from my parents, and I was sitting with my family.
I realized I had felt this way for a fair bit during the last while, weeks or days. Feeling it in a setting I can compare it to from my past made me that much more aware of it, and aware of how different I feel now.
I started to cry. I was so overwhelmed I literally couldn't handle it. I was sitting, thinking, feeling, and crying and my partner asked me what was wrong. I couldn't talk so I said I'll explain later but she made me think even more, even deeper. I actually had to stop, I stood up and walked around the kitchen and tried to focus on something else. That feeling was as totally uncontrollable as terror except it felt so good all I could do was cry. Honestly the only reason I didn't ride the wave, so to speak, was because of the kiddo being there, I didn't really want to be an emotional mess in front of her.
The calm I bring to familiar situations now is starting to hit me more often then before. That was one of the biggest reasons that feeling was so hard to control yesterday. Besides how over whelming it was I also started to feel how calm, and content I felt. How simply at ease I was/am and how that has never been a feeling I brought to these situations before. Essentially I felt incredible about feeling incredible... it was quite a snowball effect. It's a feeling I trigger often, I notice how good I feel doing anything, the mundane to the complex. I find myself singing and dancing, while cleaning, or cooking. Walking around the mall... ok, ok.. bouncing around the mall, lip syncing every song I hear while out, sometimes while being very animated.
I'd have the desire, the ache, to do many of those things but never did because that's "not what guys do". Now I do something like that and I catch myself in this conversation..
"Psst, Becky. Whatcha doing girl?"
"I'm singing and dancing. :)"
"You're in Walmart, btw."
(look around) "I am aren't I? Hmm, well I probably look cute right?"
"Yeah, probably. :)"
"On with the dancing then!"
A situation that never would have had the chance to happen a few months ago.
God I love being a girl.
Monday 16 December 2013
Hair! Hair!
I finally done it! I have gotten my hair cut and I no longer wear my wig when I go out. I'm sure I'll have a few bad days that I'll put it on, but the plan now is not again. It's like going out for the first time again. I was in the mall yesterday and it was of course, very busy. I almost got to the point that I just ran out to the car, I felt so self conscious. Besides my wig being beautiful it also hid a lot of my face. I feel so exposed when I go out now, it's almost impossible to not think about it. We were in one tiny little store about the size of my bathroom and there was like 15 people in it, I felt like a caged zoo animal. God just thinking back to it makes me angry that I didn't get out faster, or that the people I was with didn't seem to mind I was having a panic attack.
Anyway, I like my hair now but I don't. It's my hair at least and not a wig, but it only looks good to me for about thirty seconds then all I do is worry. Once it starts to grow out more I think I'll start to feel better about it.
That being said, I'm about to put a picture up here :p
When I'm over feeling like I'm sticking out like a sore thumb I do calm down some. I do look good enough for me, it's just barely good enough so I'm not ecstatic about it. This morning for example. I got up this morning and my hair still more or less looked the same. My beard shadow had started to grow in from the night but other then that my whole body looked feminine, even my head and hair. I've been in such a calm relaxed mood this morning I honestly don't know what to chalk it up to. It could have been my hair, and how I looked this morning, but that seems like an awfully strong impact from just a haircut.
But really, what the hell do I know?
I had been looking forward to not having to wear my wig for a while, but I did get kinda attached to it. I felt safe in it, but ultimately fake. There is a part of me that is completely content with what I'm "working with" now, it's just taking cover behind some fear for a while until it's safe to come out. It does make it seem a little more real, a little less like playing "dress-up".
Anyway, I just finished a post and went to this one, so I'm done now, hehe. Here's the pic. Excuse the laundry in the background, lol.
Anyway, I like my hair now but I don't. It's my hair at least and not a wig, but it only looks good to me for about thirty seconds then all I do is worry. Once it starts to grow out more I think I'll start to feel better about it.
That being said, I'm about to put a picture up here :p
When I'm over feeling like I'm sticking out like a sore thumb I do calm down some. I do look good enough for me, it's just barely good enough so I'm not ecstatic about it. This morning for example. I got up this morning and my hair still more or less looked the same. My beard shadow had started to grow in from the night but other then that my whole body looked feminine, even my head and hair. I've been in such a calm relaxed mood this morning I honestly don't know what to chalk it up to. It could have been my hair, and how I looked this morning, but that seems like an awfully strong impact from just a haircut.
But really, what the hell do I know?
I had been looking forward to not having to wear my wig for a while, but I did get kinda attached to it. I felt safe in it, but ultimately fake. There is a part of me that is completely content with what I'm "working with" now, it's just taking cover behind some fear for a while until it's safe to come out. It does make it seem a little more real, a little less like playing "dress-up".
Anyway, I just finished a post and went to this one, so I'm done now, hehe. Here's the pic. Excuse the laundry in the background, lol.
Encouraging Extinction
Sorry I haven't been keeping up with this as much as I used to, things just have been conspiring against me getting some writing done.
When I seen Red Durkin a few weeks ago there was something she said that had stuck with me, well actually two things, this is one of them.
I don't remember everything leading up to this mini punchline, or really the whole joke. All I remember is one line she said, something like "Then you're left in the uncomfortable position of consoling someone over how they feel about you." I barely thought of it before hearing this, but she had just put a name on something I had felt many, many times. And while I understand, "uncomfortable" is an understatement.
There are so many factors here, I will try to include them all. To start, so often, almost daily, I find myself trying to make someone feel better over how they are feeling toward me. Not "enemies" who think TG's just need a good dose of the bible or something, I mean friends who are crying over what is going on in my life now.
Their crying is selfish, I'm sorry, but it is. I'm not calling anyone out for it, I'm just calling it what it is. I guess for a moment they see past the person in front of them and only think of the person they thought they knew. It is my biggest, most frequent, "damage control" I have to do with coming out. People miss the old me, will I still be who they know? How much of me will change? How much of me was a lie? For many of them, time hasn't fixed much yet, it has just given them the ability to be specific about the things they miss.
Sometimes when I'm trying to comfort people about the things they miss I can offer an alternative, but more often then not all I can offer is "You're right, that isn't the same any more, I'm sorry." I understand where they are coming from, I really do. To me this has been on my mind all of my life, to them they just had to start thinking about it now. It is something huge, it's strange actually. When you try to visualize it, it kinda seems like "meh, not so bad." but going through it, having it in your life seems to be something that grips the brain a little. I doubt there has been a single friend of mine that hasn't spent at least one night "wondering".
The more I think about it actually, while I understand, I have no idea what they could be thinking or feeling about it. If a friend were to tell me they are Trans my response would be "omg me too!" So I guess that puts me at a little disadvantage here.
That being said, What does the cis mind think of when it is made to think about this? Anyway..
It hurts. Every time I get approached like this I feel awful. I feel bad enough that I'm "taking" someone away from you. I feel bad enough that I've been lying to literally everyone in my life until now. When I`m faced with people feeling loss over who I was the emotions playing are not fair.
Before coming out this was actually one of my biggest fears. How people would react to seeing the old me go away. I don`t think people understood all of the implied changes. There is something I wrote in my diary a little over a month after coming out that I`m going to share here..
"... I told my partner and family that I'm still 'me' just now I'll look rather different. Professionals say the same... are they helping my lie or believe it as much as everyone else?"
I knew then what people were going to go through even if they didn't, and I tried (and still try) to peel back the layers as slowly as possibly so I don't startle anyone. I can't stop the changes of course, I'm just trying to stem them a little. Even so, people occasionally realize "hey this isn't the same any more." and they feel that loss.
How does it make me feel? Well, like I said I understand, I really do. A lot of my conscious thought is put toward helping others get through my transition. It seems like part of my responsibility while I transition, to help the people close to me understand and go through it with me with a better outlook. I'm sorry I'm putting you through this, I really am.
But..
I hate it. I absolutely hate it. I feel like I'm put in the position of defending a person that is a shadow, and conceding over the person that is actually really me. It makes me feel like this person that is right in front of you isn't as important as the person you thought you knew. It's a harsh reminder of having to hide my real self, and almost makes me wonder how much you wish I could "go back". People seem to look at it like I'm going from one person to a completely different one. What I feel like is I'm evolving from one to another. Perhaps a subtle but significant difference. I know where I started, and I have no idea where I'm going but the journey is the most exciting thing I've ever experienced in my life and I SO desperately want everyone around me to share that excitement.
Many of them can't though, I guess they are still caught up in however they feel like this effects them. This is the part that really makes my head steam. Like I said, the feelings people have are selfish. People only feel the loss related to how it effects them, if not they need to smarten up a little more even. If people are worried about how this effects me, stop worrying! I *want* this with all my being, the things I've already given up, the things I may still give up makes it clear to me how important and necessary this is for me. Believe me when I say, you, out there, are the only people concerned about the person I was. Me, in here, I couldn't possibly care less. I'm not sure if people really see that when they look at me, or really understand that when they talk to me. This transition is hard, yes, an understatement even. My day to day life is pretty close to total chaos, especially emotionally, which effects intellectually. Would I stop? No. Do I have any regrets? No. Do I miss my previous life?
What life?
If I don't, and I'm the one who really has to live with me all the time, then what is everyone so upset about? It's the one thing friends in the trans community just "get". No one I've spoken with has any concerns over who I was or may have been. When we are all talking, I (and I would assume many others) are hearing your past and placing the person we are talking to in it, not the person everyone else knew before. There is hardly a whisper of a feeling of loss for the past. Many, myself included, have a "good riddance" attitude toward it. Not having to defend or live up to any sort of past is one of the most relaxing new feelings I have, and comes almost exclusively from the trans community. It's an odd feeling "not having" a past, but the equally odd outcome of that is it frees up my mind exponentially to become the woman I am.
So I guess that is the duality of it. I feel like I was born 6 months ago. I happened to be born a reasonably intelligent, mature 35 year old, so that gives me a lot more tools to work with then the average infant but life began for me half a year ago. I can't help but admire the coincidence of my telling my parents on my birthday. Because I feel that way though, I have no past to be bothered with, but also my past has a thin thread connecting it to the people in my life. That's why one of the first things I wanted to do was take the people that are connected to my past and reconnect them to my present.
I wish everyone could see what I'm trying to say here and take it to heart, but I know how that is probably not possible. I'm also not insensitive, I'm not here telling everyone they are making my life that much more miserable either.... "teaspoon-ocean" effect there. A part of me wishes I could feel upset over my past just so I can understand where they are coming from more, but it's just not in me. I look back and want to throw up. Seriously, I can't express how unappealing, practically offensive, my past is to me. It just about blows my mind when I see someone feeling loss over...
...him
When I seen Red Durkin a few weeks ago there was something she said that had stuck with me, well actually two things, this is one of them.
I don't remember everything leading up to this mini punchline, or really the whole joke. All I remember is one line she said, something like "Then you're left in the uncomfortable position of consoling someone over how they feel about you." I barely thought of it before hearing this, but she had just put a name on something I had felt many, many times. And while I understand, "uncomfortable" is an understatement.
There are so many factors here, I will try to include them all. To start, so often, almost daily, I find myself trying to make someone feel better over how they are feeling toward me. Not "enemies" who think TG's just need a good dose of the bible or something, I mean friends who are crying over what is going on in my life now.
Their crying is selfish, I'm sorry, but it is. I'm not calling anyone out for it, I'm just calling it what it is. I guess for a moment they see past the person in front of them and only think of the person they thought they knew. It is my biggest, most frequent, "damage control" I have to do with coming out. People miss the old me, will I still be who they know? How much of me will change? How much of me was a lie? For many of them, time hasn't fixed much yet, it has just given them the ability to be specific about the things they miss.
Sometimes when I'm trying to comfort people about the things they miss I can offer an alternative, but more often then not all I can offer is "You're right, that isn't the same any more, I'm sorry." I understand where they are coming from, I really do. To me this has been on my mind all of my life, to them they just had to start thinking about it now. It is something huge, it's strange actually. When you try to visualize it, it kinda seems like "meh, not so bad." but going through it, having it in your life seems to be something that grips the brain a little. I doubt there has been a single friend of mine that hasn't spent at least one night "wondering".
The more I think about it actually, while I understand, I have no idea what they could be thinking or feeling about it. If a friend were to tell me they are Trans my response would be "omg me too!" So I guess that puts me at a little disadvantage here.
That being said, What does the cis mind think of when it is made to think about this? Anyway..
It hurts. Every time I get approached like this I feel awful. I feel bad enough that I'm "taking" someone away from you. I feel bad enough that I've been lying to literally everyone in my life until now. When I`m faced with people feeling loss over who I was the emotions playing are not fair.
Before coming out this was actually one of my biggest fears. How people would react to seeing the old me go away. I don`t think people understood all of the implied changes. There is something I wrote in my diary a little over a month after coming out that I`m going to share here..
"... I told my partner and family that I'm still 'me' just now I'll look rather different. Professionals say the same... are they helping my lie or believe it as much as everyone else?"
I knew then what people were going to go through even if they didn't, and I tried (and still try) to peel back the layers as slowly as possibly so I don't startle anyone. I can't stop the changes of course, I'm just trying to stem them a little. Even so, people occasionally realize "hey this isn't the same any more." and they feel that loss.
How does it make me feel? Well, like I said I understand, I really do. A lot of my conscious thought is put toward helping others get through my transition. It seems like part of my responsibility while I transition, to help the people close to me understand and go through it with me with a better outlook. I'm sorry I'm putting you through this, I really am.
But..
I hate it. I absolutely hate it. I feel like I'm put in the position of defending a person that is a shadow, and conceding over the person that is actually really me. It makes me feel like this person that is right in front of you isn't as important as the person you thought you knew. It's a harsh reminder of having to hide my real self, and almost makes me wonder how much you wish I could "go back". People seem to look at it like I'm going from one person to a completely different one. What I feel like is I'm evolving from one to another. Perhaps a subtle but significant difference. I know where I started, and I have no idea where I'm going but the journey is the most exciting thing I've ever experienced in my life and I SO desperately want everyone around me to share that excitement.
Many of them can't though, I guess they are still caught up in however they feel like this effects them. This is the part that really makes my head steam. Like I said, the feelings people have are selfish. People only feel the loss related to how it effects them, if not they need to smarten up a little more even. If people are worried about how this effects me, stop worrying! I *want* this with all my being, the things I've already given up, the things I may still give up makes it clear to me how important and necessary this is for me. Believe me when I say, you, out there, are the only people concerned about the person I was. Me, in here, I couldn't possibly care less. I'm not sure if people really see that when they look at me, or really understand that when they talk to me. This transition is hard, yes, an understatement even. My day to day life is pretty close to total chaos, especially emotionally, which effects intellectually. Would I stop? No. Do I have any regrets? No. Do I miss my previous life?
What life?
If I don't, and I'm the one who really has to live with me all the time, then what is everyone so upset about? It's the one thing friends in the trans community just "get". No one I've spoken with has any concerns over who I was or may have been. When we are all talking, I (and I would assume many others) are hearing your past and placing the person we are talking to in it, not the person everyone else knew before. There is hardly a whisper of a feeling of loss for the past. Many, myself included, have a "good riddance" attitude toward it. Not having to defend or live up to any sort of past is one of the most relaxing new feelings I have, and comes almost exclusively from the trans community. It's an odd feeling "not having" a past, but the equally odd outcome of that is it frees up my mind exponentially to become the woman I am.
So I guess that is the duality of it. I feel like I was born 6 months ago. I happened to be born a reasonably intelligent, mature 35 year old, so that gives me a lot more tools to work with then the average infant but life began for me half a year ago. I can't help but admire the coincidence of my telling my parents on my birthday. Because I feel that way though, I have no past to be bothered with, but also my past has a thin thread connecting it to the people in my life. That's why one of the first things I wanted to do was take the people that are connected to my past and reconnect them to my present.
I wish everyone could see what I'm trying to say here and take it to heart, but I know how that is probably not possible. I'm also not insensitive, I'm not here telling everyone they are making my life that much more miserable either.... "teaspoon-ocean" effect there. A part of me wishes I could feel upset over my past just so I can understand where they are coming from more, but it's just not in me. I look back and want to throw up. Seriously, I can't express how unappealing, practically offensive, my past is to me. It just about blows my mind when I see someone feeling loss over...
...him
Wednesday 11 December 2013
Harmonious
I've been meaning to have something a little more on the lighter side to write about. I guess the negative emotions and problems are easier to remember because every time I try to write a post like this I come up with nothing.
Thankfully for my writing habit, something happened yesterday for me to write about and it helped me remember a few other things.
I was at a mall yesterday, around opening time and it wasn't super crowded like it normally is around this time of year. I was just out for exposure, it's not like I have money to spend.
Anyway, after I was done with my walking around and drooling all over the floor of Victoria's Secret I picked up a tea and sat down to wait for the bus. I was warm so I took off my jacket while I was sitting there. A bit before I got up to leave a guy sat down half close to me, I didn't pay him much notice and it didn't look like he payed much to me. I got up to leave and went to the washroom, this guy was on the way there so I passed by him. As I got closer I could see he was looking at me while on the phone, turning his head as I walked by. When I passed him I heard a quiet "wow" followed by "No man, there was..." and I didn't hear the rest as I kept going...
FUCK YEAH!
Hahaha
I see the occasional person checking me out, or kinda obviously seeing me as attractive, but really it's always in my own head, me assuming I know what they are thinking. I suppose I COULD be wrong, he may have noticed Tim Horton's has a new doughnut and got all excited, but he wasn't looking at Timmy's. So that was the first time I "knew" someone found me attractive, not just attractive but 'wow'. It really made me feel like a million bucks, it still does. I'm about to take women's rights back a century or so, but it really made me feel like a woman to be so obviously checked out and desired, to the point of being vocal.
So here are a few, rather random, things that make me feel feminine, or more content in my body/life. Many of these things make me feel that way every time, not just a quick feeling of femininity then back to blah. Anyway, again in no particular order..
Walking in high heels. I find my high heel shoes actually very comfortable. Walking in them just screams feminine to me, the way my legs look and move, the way my hips and ass swing back and forth. Really just standing there gives me the same feeling, having high heels on just does it for me, apparently.
Kinda related to that is one pair of jeans I have. They fit so well, and often when I'm walking around I feel them hugging my hips as I move, and it gives me that feeling. I usually think to myself, "that's how a woman feels or looks." I have no idea if that's right, but it puts a wide silly grin on my face for sure. I'm not sure if this makes sense, but when I see and feel myself move like this, it reminds me of looking at women and almost being able to feel how they feel in their own skin. I guess I'd look at them with envy, "I want to feel like that." and just assume they feel whatever feeling I'm attaching to it. So what I feel in those jeans is the feeling I associated with seeing all these attractive women I was jealous of. Does that make sense?
Either way, the important thing is it makes me feel alive.
Another thing that makes me feel feminine is putting on powder. Whenever I do and I'm looking in the mirror I look and feel like such a girl. Something about the look and smell of a woman putting on powder is very feminine and kinda sexy to me. I feel that when I'm doing it to myself, I feel very feminine and a little sexy, and I like how I look in the mirror.
I've flat out said before that my skin makes me feel more feminine then anything else, and that is still true, well I guess partially true. To be honest the soft skin all over has started to lose it's totally new excitement (i still love it now, trust me... really) What really makes me feel feminine now is my bum, yep that's right. I feel like my bum is the most developed part of my female body. The way it looks, how it feels in my own hand, how it feels when I sit down. Using the bathroom is becoming an experience for me. Sitting on the loo is a feeling you get used to over the years, these days when I sit down it feels completely different. My hips are wider and there's more "cushion". I love it
Random compliments can on occasion make me feel the same. I was talking with my partner the other day about nothing in particular. While talking I started to smile. Totally off topic she just blurted out, "You look some pretty when you smile." I had no make-up on, I wasn't feeling pretty, and it really caught me off guard. I think because it caught me off guard, because it was so random, it brought out that feeling. I guess to be seen as pretty and being told so when I was feeling no where near pretty almost gave me a sense of shy embarrassment, and from that, femininity.
The strongest force in causing these feelings is clarity. At any point during the day, sitting on the bus, eating supper, listening to music, it really doesn't matter.. at any point it can suddenly hit me that this is "real". The feminine body I look down and see is mine and internally I feel like a woman almost always now. The realization of all of that pushes past that "fake it until you make it" feeling and really buts me in the "now". When I feel that "now" and I feel feminine it is utter bliss, everything around me slows down, everything becomes so clear. I feel so in myself, and the content feeling that comes with it actually makes me stupid happy, foolish looking grin and all.
Well that's a few things. I almost need to have a notepad with me at all times in order to remember them all. That feeling can spring up from so many random things at such random times through the day. I recall mentioning before the fleeting, centered feeling I would get and this is the feeling I was talking about then. Now, it's still fleeting, but it's more frequent. My days are so much better now, and this amazing feeling happens regularly. I can't wait until it's how I feel all the time.
Thankfully for my writing habit, something happened yesterday for me to write about and it helped me remember a few other things.
I was at a mall yesterday, around opening time and it wasn't super crowded like it normally is around this time of year. I was just out for exposure, it's not like I have money to spend.
Anyway, after I was done with my walking around and drooling all over the floor of Victoria's Secret I picked up a tea and sat down to wait for the bus. I was warm so I took off my jacket while I was sitting there. A bit before I got up to leave a guy sat down half close to me, I didn't pay him much notice and it didn't look like he payed much to me. I got up to leave and went to the washroom, this guy was on the way there so I passed by him. As I got closer I could see he was looking at me while on the phone, turning his head as I walked by. When I passed him I heard a quiet "wow" followed by "No man, there was..." and I didn't hear the rest as I kept going...
FUCK YEAH!
Hahaha
I see the occasional person checking me out, or kinda obviously seeing me as attractive, but really it's always in my own head, me assuming I know what they are thinking. I suppose I COULD be wrong, he may have noticed Tim Horton's has a new doughnut and got all excited, but he wasn't looking at Timmy's. So that was the first time I "knew" someone found me attractive, not just attractive but 'wow'. It really made me feel like a million bucks, it still does. I'm about to take women's rights back a century or so, but it really made me feel like a woman to be so obviously checked out and desired, to the point of being vocal.
So here are a few, rather random, things that make me feel feminine, or more content in my body/life. Many of these things make me feel that way every time, not just a quick feeling of femininity then back to blah. Anyway, again in no particular order..
Walking in high heels. I find my high heel shoes actually very comfortable. Walking in them just screams feminine to me, the way my legs look and move, the way my hips and ass swing back and forth. Really just standing there gives me the same feeling, having high heels on just does it for me, apparently.
Kinda related to that is one pair of jeans I have. They fit so well, and often when I'm walking around I feel them hugging my hips as I move, and it gives me that feeling. I usually think to myself, "that's how a woman feels or looks." I have no idea if that's right, but it puts a wide silly grin on my face for sure. I'm not sure if this makes sense, but when I see and feel myself move like this, it reminds me of looking at women and almost being able to feel how they feel in their own skin. I guess I'd look at them with envy, "I want to feel like that." and just assume they feel whatever feeling I'm attaching to it. So what I feel in those jeans is the feeling I associated with seeing all these attractive women I was jealous of. Does that make sense?
Either way, the important thing is it makes me feel alive.
Another thing that makes me feel feminine is putting on powder. Whenever I do and I'm looking in the mirror I look and feel like such a girl. Something about the look and smell of a woman putting on powder is very feminine and kinda sexy to me. I feel that when I'm doing it to myself, I feel very feminine and a little sexy, and I like how I look in the mirror.
I've flat out said before that my skin makes me feel more feminine then anything else, and that is still true, well I guess partially true. To be honest the soft skin all over has started to lose it's totally new excitement (i still love it now, trust me... really) What really makes me feel feminine now is my bum, yep that's right. I feel like my bum is the most developed part of my female body. The way it looks, how it feels in my own hand, how it feels when I sit down. Using the bathroom is becoming an experience for me. Sitting on the loo is a feeling you get used to over the years, these days when I sit down it feels completely different. My hips are wider and there's more "cushion". I love it
Random compliments can on occasion make me feel the same. I was talking with my partner the other day about nothing in particular. While talking I started to smile. Totally off topic she just blurted out, "You look some pretty when you smile." I had no make-up on, I wasn't feeling pretty, and it really caught me off guard. I think because it caught me off guard, because it was so random, it brought out that feeling. I guess to be seen as pretty and being told so when I was feeling no where near pretty almost gave me a sense of shy embarrassment, and from that, femininity.
The strongest force in causing these feelings is clarity. At any point during the day, sitting on the bus, eating supper, listening to music, it really doesn't matter.. at any point it can suddenly hit me that this is "real". The feminine body I look down and see is mine and internally I feel like a woman almost always now. The realization of all of that pushes past that "fake it until you make it" feeling and really buts me in the "now". When I feel that "now" and I feel feminine it is utter bliss, everything around me slows down, everything becomes so clear. I feel so in myself, and the content feeling that comes with it actually makes me stupid happy, foolish looking grin and all.
Well that's a few things. I almost need to have a notepad with me at all times in order to remember them all. That feeling can spring up from so many random things at such random times through the day. I recall mentioning before the fleeting, centered feeling I would get and this is the feeling I was talking about then. Now, it's still fleeting, but it's more frequent. My days are so much better now, and this amazing feeling happens regularly. I can't wait until it's how I feel all the time.
Monday 9 December 2013
Immature
One of the things people seem to wonder a lot about with starting HRT is will it change your personality, will it change you into a different person, will your wants and interests change? I've answered this in a sense in several posts before, but not directly. The quick answer is "yes and no." Personally, I've had several things about my personality change, but much of it is staying the same.
I feel very much like a kid at a lot of points during my day. I find something new about me almost every day, and often when I do I really get a sense of feeling new in my own body... if that makes sense. For example, I was in the shower and ran my hands down over my bum and I noticed how different it felt (and might I say, damn nice too!) I think to myself sometimes that this must have been what it was like when I was a teen, or younger, touching myself, seeing how I feel, getting in tune with my own body. More then ever my body is becoming something I enjoy, it's all very new to me, my own body, but it's exciting.
What does that have to do with my personality? Well all of that newness comes with it's share of shyness. My body is so new to me, and so sensitive now, I feel like closing up a little while around people. In the sense of the typical young girl covering her newly developed breasts. Once this shyness is done though, I think this part of me will return to how I was before.
I've mentioned my love for video games before. That is something that has, but hasn't changed. I still have the want to play, in fact I'd like to play some right now, but now I have other things in my life that I need to attend too. Not just real responsibilities like the house or the kiddo, I'm kinda not counting those. I can easily lose hours and hours grooming myself. If I were to, say, let everything go for a bit so I had to do it all in one day I could spend a work day just primping myself. Start with a shower and shave, plucking my chest hair, combing out my wig, putting on make-up etc. etc., easy for that to take 5 hours out of my day.
So really my wanting to play video games still has not changed, that part of my personality has stayed the same, but it has changed functionally. So perhaps from the outside observer "Rebecca barely plays video games anymore" (gasp) But that's only because I have stuff to do, not because I don't want to.
My sense of humour has not changed at all, period. Nothing to say here, lol.
One thing that has changed is I take my time more now, and I expect others to be ok with that and if not, oh well! I always hated being rushed but I would rush myself if I "needed" to. Now I don't do that so much. I think this has come from having to be "careful" with my own self now. An example to make that makes sense..
Before if someone was waiting on me to take my outdoor clothes off I'd just whip it all off as quickly as I could and get out of the way, or help or whatever it was. Now I take my time, I have to be careful taking my scarf and jacket off or it'll tangle my wig into a celtic knot, and while I'm being careful, you can wait. Little things like that, that I find myself doing often are simply conditioning me to take my time more.
There are a good few things like this taking my time that have changed and I really like them. When I imagine myself in that light it brings a smile to my face. I enjoy the fact that I take my time now, it seems to fit this image I have.
Which reminds me of one thing that has changed and I am so grateful for. My day to day, general anger is really gone. I get angry now sometimes sure, but it's not my entire life, every waking second just mad at the world. It is ***SO RELAXING*** (I didn't know how to emphasize that enough...). I don't really know how to describe what it's like to feel like you have to defend yourself every moment you are awake. How about this? Imagine living as a captive to an unknown number of people any one of which is waiting for you to open your eyes so they can start right away with whatever they want to do to make you feel like you'd be better off dead, I mean really feel it. So imagine that, feel it? Now instead of them waiting for you to open your eyes they can actually see when your brain "turns on" after waking up, the second you become conscious, and change "all of those people" to your own mind.
I guess "relentless" is a good word.
It just slipped away, I didn't even noticed until recently. This part of me was one of a very few major parts of me that I was always hoping would change or go away when I started transitioning. This is something else that fits the image I have of the woman I'll be.
Of course that has had a huge impact on my personality, an impact I'm excited to happen. Not feeling trapped all the time has opened my mind and perceptions to the world around me that much more. I feel this every day, without fail. I'll be doing something and I'll just realize how connected I am with what's happening at that moment. It's a feeling so new to me it happens with everything, even the mundane. I was petting our pet cat the other day and I realized how soft her fur felt, and that I never "felt" it before.
Something that has come as a direct result of losing the anger is my creativity has started to come back. Having my mind freed up like I mentioned has reopened the doors to my creativity and it's wonderful. I'm still in the beginning stages, this blog and a few other written word things I have done seem to be where it's starting. I have the occasional flash of how "easy" I could drawn something I'm looking at that I distinctly remember having as a kid regularly.
The last thing I wanted to talk about isn't a change that has happened, it's going to happen. It's not really the result of HRT either, but of transitioning itself, but it will change my personality, and I think the most out of everything. What I'm talking about is my voice. I may have mentioned before how my voice is effecting my personality. Before it was things like having to watch the words I say because some are a little trickier then others, or having to pause to get my voice right before I kept talking. They have had their little effects, but I feel there is more to come. I'm still not happy with my voice, to me I sound like a guy trying to sound like a girl and I really don't want to sound like that. Every now and then I say something a certain way and it's like "A ha! that's it!" but it's difficult to keep. When I do do it though, I feel completely different through my whole body. It's not just a "yay success" It's "OMG there *I* am!" I almost feel like each of those moments reprograms a little part of me. The sound of my voice may be hard to hold but that feeling leaves it's mark like few others do. I smile to myself, feel warm and content and it lingers in my heart and mind for a noticeable amount of time.
I get the same feeling a handful of other, really random ways. Walking down the hall and turning a certain way, or looking at something "cutely" and I can picture my own face, getting a compliment, touching my own leg, walking, dancing... none of them making me feel like that every time, but they are so random it makes me want to say "everything" has made that feeling come out from time to time. Perfecting my voice is what I'm pretty sure will finish all of that feeling.
I'd like to say "I hope I answered your questions" but I'm almost certain I just raised more. I do remember it was something I was a little afraid of before I started transitioning. How much of me will hormones change? I'm well aware of how powerful hormones can be, and I was worried I'd be someone else entirely (a little foolish know, maybe a little wishful forethought). Now that I'm 6 months in I can say yes, there have been changes, some of them were ones I even worried about a little before. Not a single one of them does anything short of making me happy now, not a one.
I feel very much like a kid at a lot of points during my day. I find something new about me almost every day, and often when I do I really get a sense of feeling new in my own body... if that makes sense. For example, I was in the shower and ran my hands down over my bum and I noticed how different it felt (and might I say, damn nice too!) I think to myself sometimes that this must have been what it was like when I was a teen, or younger, touching myself, seeing how I feel, getting in tune with my own body. More then ever my body is becoming something I enjoy, it's all very new to me, my own body, but it's exciting.
What does that have to do with my personality? Well all of that newness comes with it's share of shyness. My body is so new to me, and so sensitive now, I feel like closing up a little while around people. In the sense of the typical young girl covering her newly developed breasts. Once this shyness is done though, I think this part of me will return to how I was before.
I've mentioned my love for video games before. That is something that has, but hasn't changed. I still have the want to play, in fact I'd like to play some right now, but now I have other things in my life that I need to attend too. Not just real responsibilities like the house or the kiddo, I'm kinda not counting those. I can easily lose hours and hours grooming myself. If I were to, say, let everything go for a bit so I had to do it all in one day I could spend a work day just primping myself. Start with a shower and shave, plucking my chest hair, combing out my wig, putting on make-up etc. etc., easy for that to take 5 hours out of my day.
So really my wanting to play video games still has not changed, that part of my personality has stayed the same, but it has changed functionally. So perhaps from the outside observer "Rebecca barely plays video games anymore" (gasp) But that's only because I have stuff to do, not because I don't want to.
My sense of humour has not changed at all, period. Nothing to say here, lol.
One thing that has changed is I take my time more now, and I expect others to be ok with that and if not, oh well! I always hated being rushed but I would rush myself if I "needed" to. Now I don't do that so much. I think this has come from having to be "careful" with my own self now. An example to make that makes sense..
Before if someone was waiting on me to take my outdoor clothes off I'd just whip it all off as quickly as I could and get out of the way, or help or whatever it was. Now I take my time, I have to be careful taking my scarf and jacket off or it'll tangle my wig into a celtic knot, and while I'm being careful, you can wait. Little things like that, that I find myself doing often are simply conditioning me to take my time more.
There are a good few things like this taking my time that have changed and I really like them. When I imagine myself in that light it brings a smile to my face. I enjoy the fact that I take my time now, it seems to fit this image I have.
Which reminds me of one thing that has changed and I am so grateful for. My day to day, general anger is really gone. I get angry now sometimes sure, but it's not my entire life, every waking second just mad at the world. It is ***SO RELAXING*** (I didn't know how to emphasize that enough...). I don't really know how to describe what it's like to feel like you have to defend yourself every moment you are awake. How about this? Imagine living as a captive to an unknown number of people any one of which is waiting for you to open your eyes so they can start right away with whatever they want to do to make you feel like you'd be better off dead, I mean really feel it. So imagine that, feel it? Now instead of them waiting for you to open your eyes they can actually see when your brain "turns on" after waking up, the second you become conscious, and change "all of those people" to your own mind.
I guess "relentless" is a good word.
It just slipped away, I didn't even noticed until recently. This part of me was one of a very few major parts of me that I was always hoping would change or go away when I started transitioning. This is something else that fits the image I have of the woman I'll be.
Of course that has had a huge impact on my personality, an impact I'm excited to happen. Not feeling trapped all the time has opened my mind and perceptions to the world around me that much more. I feel this every day, without fail. I'll be doing something and I'll just realize how connected I am with what's happening at that moment. It's a feeling so new to me it happens with everything, even the mundane. I was petting our pet cat the other day and I realized how soft her fur felt, and that I never "felt" it before.
Something that has come as a direct result of losing the anger is my creativity has started to come back. Having my mind freed up like I mentioned has reopened the doors to my creativity and it's wonderful. I'm still in the beginning stages, this blog and a few other written word things I have done seem to be where it's starting. I have the occasional flash of how "easy" I could drawn something I'm looking at that I distinctly remember having as a kid regularly.
The last thing I wanted to talk about isn't a change that has happened, it's going to happen. It's not really the result of HRT either, but of transitioning itself, but it will change my personality, and I think the most out of everything. What I'm talking about is my voice. I may have mentioned before how my voice is effecting my personality. Before it was things like having to watch the words I say because some are a little trickier then others, or having to pause to get my voice right before I kept talking. They have had their little effects, but I feel there is more to come. I'm still not happy with my voice, to me I sound like a guy trying to sound like a girl and I really don't want to sound like that. Every now and then I say something a certain way and it's like "A ha! that's it!" but it's difficult to keep. When I do do it though, I feel completely different through my whole body. It's not just a "yay success" It's "OMG there *I* am!" I almost feel like each of those moments reprograms a little part of me. The sound of my voice may be hard to hold but that feeling leaves it's mark like few others do. I smile to myself, feel warm and content and it lingers in my heart and mind for a noticeable amount of time.
I get the same feeling a handful of other, really random ways. Walking down the hall and turning a certain way, or looking at something "cutely" and I can picture my own face, getting a compliment, touching my own leg, walking, dancing... none of them making me feel like that every time, but they are so random it makes me want to say "everything" has made that feeling come out from time to time. Perfecting my voice is what I'm pretty sure will finish all of that feeling.
I'd like to say "I hope I answered your questions" but I'm almost certain I just raised more. I do remember it was something I was a little afraid of before I started transitioning. How much of me will hormones change? I'm well aware of how powerful hormones can be, and I was worried I'd be someone else entirely (a little foolish know, maybe a little wishful forethought). Now that I'm 6 months in I can say yes, there have been changes, some of them were ones I even worried about a little before. Not a single one of them does anything short of making me happy now, not a one.
Saturday 7 December 2013
Tenacious Honesty
Coming up with something to write has been tricky for me the last few days. I've had a lot of things on my mind, most of them a little too personal for here, even for me.
Jesus, just like that I thought of something.
So why is it I can be so candid? I do share a lot of personal feelings and experiences. It is actually a result of how I defended my feelings to myself when I was hiding this from everyone. What happened to me was that I started doubting my feelings and desires during my teen years, but all that doubt started taking over other areas of my life. I started doubting my actions, my thoughts, my choices, and I needed to come up with a way to accept all of these things I doubted.
I guess luckily I had seen people's misguided judgments on the actions, thoughts, feelings, choices, and desires of others for what they are. So I assumed I was making the same misguided judgments on myself, and it practically saved my life. Instead of believing my own doubts, or believing what other people thought about those things in me I started looking for reasons why I, and they, could be wrong.
The answer is simple really, but it wasn't a simple process to get to, or accept. The simple answer is there is no reason at all to judge any thing anyone does. (For the sake of this argument, I'm going to leave out people intentionally hurting others.)
To use myself as an example. I would get the insatiable craving (the only way to describe it) for feminine clothes. I would shame myself away from the store for an undisclosed period of time before I would eventually build up more desire and courage then fear and go to the store. The shaming of myself always came in the form of what others would think. Would a woman say something while I was looking at the racks of clothes? Would the cashier say something to me while checking me out? What are all of these people thinking?
I remember I had one emotional breakthrough one day at Winners. I was standing in line at the check out with three or four pairs of panties in my hand. There was an older lady ahead of me that I didn't take much notice of and she didn't say anything to me. When I handed the cashier the clothes I had she leaned in and said to me.
"That lady could not stop staring at your panties."
My reaction surprised me, I laughed and said something like "Ah well, some old people are close minded."
Now in my head, in the moment, she didn't emphasize 'your' enough to make me think she was thinking I was going to go home and put them on myself. It seemed like she meant they were 'mine' like buying a chainsaw and baby food are both 'mine'.
On my way home though the reality started hitting me. I didn't have a chainsaw and baby food, I had three pairs of panties. I didn't say they weren't mine, she really seemed unfazed, but the others in the line behind me (I had stepped ahead and turned around a little) were a combination of shocked and mortified as the cashier and I talked. If she wasn't so nonchalant about the whole situation it would have went down differently.
I felt exhilarated after I realized what happened. It was a split second of the mask being off, even if the cashier or the people in line had no idea what was going on, and someone was ok with it. To my face.
It reinforced what I was starting to come up with on my own. That there is no reason to judge people. I was just "caught" and the worst thing that happened to the people around me was they had to deal with an emotion they probably weren't expecting to deal with in a line up at Winners.
I think being transgender forces you to be open-minded, though I have seen examples that that isn't necessarily true. It did force me to be though, I didn't feel right not accepting people for their 'different' wants and desires because I didn't want people to do that to me.
Now how this all relates to my being so candid would take a philosophical trip through my brain. The short story of it though is I don't think anyone should be forced to hide their feelings from anyone. Force coming far more subtlety then the violence we all focus on, It comes from people's unspoken discrimination. Not to get too deep, but we all believe we have freedom of thought, the most basic freedom, but do we? When you start thinking things that you know the majority of society isn't "ok" with at this point in history you can easily start to shame yourself. You start berating yourself for thinking these things, for feeling these feelings 'no one' else does. That isn't freedom of thought.
My honesty comes from that belief. I feel like we shouldn't be afraid to talk to others about our personal selves. In fact, when in humanity did it start to not be that way? I feel like this is something intrinsic in us all. We all want to be heard, to have our feelings shared and accepted, with and by others. Why should I hide how I feel? Am I the only one on the planet with feelings? The point here seems so obvious to me I'm not sure how much I can keep going without beating a dead horse.
I've gone through some hard times, I am going through some hard times. In some ways, it's harder now then it was before, but in others it's far easier. Why not share that with people? Someone will read it and take comfort they aren't alone, someone will read it and understand a friend a little better, someone will read it and give me some assurance, or confidence that day. All of these people I could possibly be helping, how much I'm helping myself, all coming from the ability to be open about myself, something we all have the ability, and desire, to do.
Not to sound selfish or pitiful but one thing that has come from my being honest is actually seeing how hard things have been for me. There are several things, and several people that after I talked to had said "wow I had no idea." or something of that nature, and it's about something that has been a regular part of me for all of my life. It gives me some perspective. I've tried to deal with this with the attitude of "I can handle this, everyone's life sucks, mine's no worse." and that was hurting me. Doing my best to convince myself I can handle it on my own, and I did convince myself for the most part.
At the same time I'm getting this feedback it's also explaining to them more of what's going on. So little is known of transgender people and every bit of information about us that we can get out there is better for us. Even if it is something as simple as letting a friend know how hard life has been. Now they know that, now they can share that with their cis friends so they can understand a little more, or any trans friend that need their support.
There are times I feel anxious about what I've written or said to people about my personal feelings. Every single time I'm worried about what others would think of the 'real' me. I'm not worried someone will "prove me wrong" or catch me in a lie because I'm being to open and honest to leave room for that. I am worried about someone reading it and thinking "Holy crap, stay the hell away from Becky." when all I'm doing is telling you how I feel.
It is very liberating. Essentially I'm walking into a crowded room and scattering sheets of paper that is "my life" all over the table and staring people in the eyes while they look over it all. It's the end result of all the hiding, it's a "Here I am, here is everything. Judge me as you will and move on. I'm done being afraid to live."
Jesus, just like that I thought of something.
So why is it I can be so candid? I do share a lot of personal feelings and experiences. It is actually a result of how I defended my feelings to myself when I was hiding this from everyone. What happened to me was that I started doubting my feelings and desires during my teen years, but all that doubt started taking over other areas of my life. I started doubting my actions, my thoughts, my choices, and I needed to come up with a way to accept all of these things I doubted.
I guess luckily I had seen people's misguided judgments on the actions, thoughts, feelings, choices, and desires of others for what they are. So I assumed I was making the same misguided judgments on myself, and it practically saved my life. Instead of believing my own doubts, or believing what other people thought about those things in me I started looking for reasons why I, and they, could be wrong.
The answer is simple really, but it wasn't a simple process to get to, or accept. The simple answer is there is no reason at all to judge any thing anyone does. (For the sake of this argument, I'm going to leave out people intentionally hurting others.)
To use myself as an example. I would get the insatiable craving (the only way to describe it) for feminine clothes. I would shame myself away from the store for an undisclosed period of time before I would eventually build up more desire and courage then fear and go to the store. The shaming of myself always came in the form of what others would think. Would a woman say something while I was looking at the racks of clothes? Would the cashier say something to me while checking me out? What are all of these people thinking?
I remember I had one emotional breakthrough one day at Winners. I was standing in line at the check out with three or four pairs of panties in my hand. There was an older lady ahead of me that I didn't take much notice of and she didn't say anything to me. When I handed the cashier the clothes I had she leaned in and said to me.
"That lady could not stop staring at your panties."
My reaction surprised me, I laughed and said something like "Ah well, some old people are close minded."
Now in my head, in the moment, she didn't emphasize 'your' enough to make me think she was thinking I was going to go home and put them on myself. It seemed like she meant they were 'mine' like buying a chainsaw and baby food are both 'mine'.
On my way home though the reality started hitting me. I didn't have a chainsaw and baby food, I had three pairs of panties. I didn't say they weren't mine, she really seemed unfazed, but the others in the line behind me (I had stepped ahead and turned around a little) were a combination of shocked and mortified as the cashier and I talked. If she wasn't so nonchalant about the whole situation it would have went down differently.
I felt exhilarated after I realized what happened. It was a split second of the mask being off, even if the cashier or the people in line had no idea what was going on, and someone was ok with it. To my face.
It reinforced what I was starting to come up with on my own. That there is no reason to judge people. I was just "caught" and the worst thing that happened to the people around me was they had to deal with an emotion they probably weren't expecting to deal with in a line up at Winners.
I think being transgender forces you to be open-minded, though I have seen examples that that isn't necessarily true. It did force me to be though, I didn't feel right not accepting people for their 'different' wants and desires because I didn't want people to do that to me.
Now how this all relates to my being so candid would take a philosophical trip through my brain. The short story of it though is I don't think anyone should be forced to hide their feelings from anyone. Force coming far more subtlety then the violence we all focus on, It comes from people's unspoken discrimination. Not to get too deep, but we all believe we have freedom of thought, the most basic freedom, but do we? When you start thinking things that you know the majority of society isn't "ok" with at this point in history you can easily start to shame yourself. You start berating yourself for thinking these things, for feeling these feelings 'no one' else does. That isn't freedom of thought.
My honesty comes from that belief. I feel like we shouldn't be afraid to talk to others about our personal selves. In fact, when in humanity did it start to not be that way? I feel like this is something intrinsic in us all. We all want to be heard, to have our feelings shared and accepted, with and by others. Why should I hide how I feel? Am I the only one on the planet with feelings? The point here seems so obvious to me I'm not sure how much I can keep going without beating a dead horse.
I've gone through some hard times, I am going through some hard times. In some ways, it's harder now then it was before, but in others it's far easier. Why not share that with people? Someone will read it and take comfort they aren't alone, someone will read it and understand a friend a little better, someone will read it and give me some assurance, or confidence that day. All of these people I could possibly be helping, how much I'm helping myself, all coming from the ability to be open about myself, something we all have the ability, and desire, to do.
Not to sound selfish or pitiful but one thing that has come from my being honest is actually seeing how hard things have been for me. There are several things, and several people that after I talked to had said "wow I had no idea." or something of that nature, and it's about something that has been a regular part of me for all of my life. It gives me some perspective. I've tried to deal with this with the attitude of "I can handle this, everyone's life sucks, mine's no worse." and that was hurting me. Doing my best to convince myself I can handle it on my own, and I did convince myself for the most part.
At the same time I'm getting this feedback it's also explaining to them more of what's going on. So little is known of transgender people and every bit of information about us that we can get out there is better for us. Even if it is something as simple as letting a friend know how hard life has been. Now they know that, now they can share that with their cis friends so they can understand a little more, or any trans friend that need their support.
There are times I feel anxious about what I've written or said to people about my personal feelings. Every single time I'm worried about what others would think of the 'real' me. I'm not worried someone will "prove me wrong" or catch me in a lie because I'm being to open and honest to leave room for that. I am worried about someone reading it and thinking "Holy crap, stay the hell away from Becky." when all I'm doing is telling you how I feel.
It is very liberating. Essentially I'm walking into a crowded room and scattering sheets of paper that is "my life" all over the table and staring people in the eyes while they look over it all. It's the end result of all the hiding, it's a "Here I am, here is everything. Judge me as you will and move on. I'm done being afraid to live."
Thursday 5 December 2013
CBC Radio Noon, Finally
To be blunt, I'm not having a good day today. I'm feeling far too closed to write here today so I'll finally get around to doing something I've forgotten to do about 78 times now.
This is the podcast for the radio show I was on last week. There is some other stuff on before us, we start somewhere around 20-25 min or so. Anyway, enjoy.
http://www.cbc.ca/radionoonnl/episodes/2013/11/28/thursday-november-28-2013/
This is the podcast for the radio show I was on last week. There is some other stuff on before us, we start somewhere around 20-25 min or so. Anyway, enjoy.
http://www.cbc.ca/radionoonnl/episodes/2013/11/28/thursday-november-28-2013/
Tuesday 3 December 2013
Momentarily
I realized how up and down my posts are. I even contradict my own feelings from day to day. What I say about my feelings in the past or of the past seem to disagree sometimes too.
Now I'm not sure, but I think this may be because of being transgender. I have always felt things in waves, is the only way to describe it. Maybe it's the depression that comes with it, that causes the waves, I'm not sure. They didn't always coincide with times in my life I was actively being feminine... I don't think so anyway, but those are the times that are easiest to explain now.
I'm also not sure if this is something other transgender people experience (which I'll get into in a sec) or if it's my personal experience of it. I have heard of others talking about doing similar things so I'm thinking this may be worth talking about in case there's someone out there reading this that this is troubling as much as it did me.
I do remember having weeks-ish of good days then the same in bad days and back and forth, emotionally. What I really can explain to you is how I would express my femininity in waves.
After I "decided" to hide all of this about me, around my early to mid 20's, I lasted something like three to four years, the timeline is just a little hazy now. During most of that time I had nothing to do with sex, I didn't even masturbate. It was actually getting a girlfriend which "forced" me to think about sex that ultimately brought my feminine side back. We lasted a few years and it was about half way through that the desire to be feminine started to come back. I found myself, again, compelled to explore it and I hated it. It was actually what led me to break up with her. I told her more times then she wanted to hear that it was all me and had nothing to do with her.
It's.... unfortunate how impossible it is to convince someone believe that.
Without telling them the whole truth I guess...
I'm sorry..
Anyway. This part of me that I already hated but simply was helpless to stop had once again ended something wonderful for me. That's how the back and forth started, well, again I guess. I didn't feel at all comfortable enough to express my femininity in any way that someone could tell, at least not consciously. So what I did was I sexualized it.
But I did it in waves. I would usually start with panties. First, I had to get the courage to get a few pairs, because let's be honest, one pair simply will not do. The first time I bought a pair after my "drought" the embarrassment of doing it was enough to turn the tide back the other way and I hid them in my closet without even putting them on and forgot about them for a while.
It didn't matter though, eventually I came around again, knowing I had a few pairs of panties in my closet I had to put them on. From there I would explore more and more until I got to a point that I wanted "too much", I was afraid of being caught, or I was starting to feel like I was doing something I needed to stop and I'd put everything away again. What I mean by "too much" is that I would very often start thinking "yes I'm transgender, this is something I need to do." That thought would almost always, excuse the pun, scare the panties off of me.
This is the part that is similar to some other TG's I've found. A sort of "binge and purge" as one described it. I started with panties, sure, because they are so easy to hide but I'd get as swept up in exploring more as my comfort would let me. Wearing them over night quickly became all day, which quickly became outdoors. It would just be the idea of taking them off that would make me go "Nope, no thanks." Eventually I would start shaving everything but my face (oh god, lol), wearing pantyhose, bras, skirts, and minimal makeup when no one was home. I'd start fantasizing about being a woman while I masturbated (yeah I started that again), about being with men. I'd eventually think "I want to be a woman."
Rather then do that though, I would always choose to put everything away, many of those times I threw it all in the garbage. I'd tell myself "no" and not understand why I would be miserable until I would come to some sort of neutral that would make me comfortable enough to go back to the femininity.
I still have these waves, clearly. One of the best things about them now is they are so much less confusing. I'm not driving myself crazy wondering why I feel the way I do about my gender and sexuality. That confusion is still there but I have very little doubt left in me now. Well today.
Now I'm not sure, but I think this may be because of being transgender. I have always felt things in waves, is the only way to describe it. Maybe it's the depression that comes with it, that causes the waves, I'm not sure. They didn't always coincide with times in my life I was actively being feminine... I don't think so anyway, but those are the times that are easiest to explain now.
I'm also not sure if this is something other transgender people experience (which I'll get into in a sec) or if it's my personal experience of it. I have heard of others talking about doing similar things so I'm thinking this may be worth talking about in case there's someone out there reading this that this is troubling as much as it did me.
I do remember having weeks-ish of good days then the same in bad days and back and forth, emotionally. What I really can explain to you is how I would express my femininity in waves.
After I "decided" to hide all of this about me, around my early to mid 20's, I lasted something like three to four years, the timeline is just a little hazy now. During most of that time I had nothing to do with sex, I didn't even masturbate. It was actually getting a girlfriend which "forced" me to think about sex that ultimately brought my feminine side back. We lasted a few years and it was about half way through that the desire to be feminine started to come back. I found myself, again, compelled to explore it and I hated it. It was actually what led me to break up with her. I told her more times then she wanted to hear that it was all me and had nothing to do with her.
It's.... unfortunate how impossible it is to convince someone believe that.
Without telling them the whole truth I guess...
I'm sorry..
Anyway. This part of me that I already hated but simply was helpless to stop had once again ended something wonderful for me. That's how the back and forth started, well, again I guess. I didn't feel at all comfortable enough to express my femininity in any way that someone could tell, at least not consciously. So what I did was I sexualized it.
But I did it in waves. I would usually start with panties. First, I had to get the courage to get a few pairs, because let's be honest, one pair simply will not do. The first time I bought a pair after my "drought" the embarrassment of doing it was enough to turn the tide back the other way and I hid them in my closet without even putting them on and forgot about them for a while.
It didn't matter though, eventually I came around again, knowing I had a few pairs of panties in my closet I had to put them on. From there I would explore more and more until I got to a point that I wanted "too much", I was afraid of being caught, or I was starting to feel like I was doing something I needed to stop and I'd put everything away again. What I mean by "too much" is that I would very often start thinking "yes I'm transgender, this is something I need to do." That thought would almost always, excuse the pun, scare the panties off of me.
This is the part that is similar to some other TG's I've found. A sort of "binge and purge" as one described it. I started with panties, sure, because they are so easy to hide but I'd get as swept up in exploring more as my comfort would let me. Wearing them over night quickly became all day, which quickly became outdoors. It would just be the idea of taking them off that would make me go "Nope, no thanks." Eventually I would start shaving everything but my face (oh god, lol), wearing pantyhose, bras, skirts, and minimal makeup when no one was home. I'd start fantasizing about being a woman while I masturbated (yeah I started that again), about being with men. I'd eventually think "I want to be a woman."
Rather then do that though, I would always choose to put everything away, many of those times I threw it all in the garbage. I'd tell myself "no" and not understand why I would be miserable until I would come to some sort of neutral that would make me comfortable enough to go back to the femininity.
I still have these waves, clearly. One of the best things about them now is they are so much less confusing. I'm not driving myself crazy wondering why I feel the way I do about my gender and sexuality. That confusion is still there but I have very little doubt left in me now. Well today.
Monday 2 December 2013
4° Warmer
So I was reading over my last post and I noticed something came out a little wrong. The part about intelligent comedy and what not. I wasn't trying to say I'm more intelligent then most of my family. I'm not afraid to say there are some. But what I was trying to say is I listened to George Carlin, they listened to Buddy Whaisname. Our sense of humour simply not mixing. Same with the music.
Anyway, enough of that.
Something interesting has been happening to me the last few days. I'm not really sure how to describe it because it's a feeling that I actually have to concentrate, or not concentrate, I'm not sure, on feeling it. I felt it first looking the the mirror on friday before I went to bed. I was being lazy and not taking my make-up off before going to bed but I went to the bathroom to brush my teeth. I had my wig off and when I looked in the mirror I noticed I still looked feminine. It's either because my hair is long enough to look good now, or that with the combination of whatever else the hormones have done had me looking feminine to myself.
I think I have mentioned the "fake it until you make it." attitude. It's sort of how I get through life. I've operated, and made decisions many... many times as if it was happening to someone else. That's how I've been doing this transition as well. Just go through the motions and it'll all work out in the end. I don't know how to describe not putting any emotional stock into something, even yourself, but that is what I do.
Tangent time. This is something I have developed over time out of necessity. There's this thing humans do that causes a host of problems. People let themselves get attached to everything, their car, TV, guitar, favorite dishtowel, whatever. I've stopped myself from doing this. When living a life of constantly finding new people, places, and things and then just walking away from it all with no good-byes it starts becoming very hard to deal with yourself. This attachment we all do ends up in pain. Every. Single. Time. Your favorite shirt will eventually be unwearable, your favorite TV show will end, your pets will die, your lovers will leave you.
I used to get unbelievably attached to things, especially people and animals. Every loss to me was like tearing out a part of my soul, I'm pretty sure losing my pet cat was the last time I've felt like that, about 10 years ago. Though I guess a handful of people have managed to slip past the defenses over those 10 years.
It has had a few effects on me. One, I don't feel the horrible stab of loss when something or someone exits my life, it was going to happen anyway. I take situations and people as they come, how someone acted yesterday rarely has an effect on how I react to them today. I say rarely because, be an asshole enough times and I'll tell you to go to hell. But I don't register what people say to me. Yes, I hear them, I process what they say but it doesn't stick with me. I don't attach whatever just happened with that person like some sort of label. Same goes with everything else. I have no attachment to anything around me because none of it defines me.
All that sounds not bad, some of it even good.. almost wise. But the other side effects are starting to outweigh them. No more feelings of loss, but that comes hand in hand with feeling empty all the time, no one and nothing able to fill that hole. It has to be one of the things that boggle people about me. Who the hell is Rebecca, what does she do or like? Difficult to connect to people when you have nothing about you that they can compare to themselves. I don't feel any more. I used to be so compassionate, so empathic I would know there was something upsetting you before you did. Now, I just as well be walking around the matrix, every face just a symbol of a husk moving around the world. I've had my eyes closed, rummaging around my own head for a long time and now that I'm lifting my head back up and looking around at everyone it's very obvious to me I've missed a large part of the conversation. I know so much about *me* but I have no idea how to apply that to the real world. I have no idea now what I do and don't like, which sounds trivial but it leaves me lost often enough. I know who *I* am but I know nothing about how that person fits in with the rest of the people in life.
So what does this have to do with me in the mirror? Well, I've been doing this transition with no attachment. As much as I've always wanted it I'm just waiting for it to come to an end somehow. I already can't afford my HRT, I'm waiting for the month that I can't take my medication, that won't be a happy month. So, from conditioning, I'm waiting to lose something else I would have rather gotten attached to, but I'm not letting myself.
Don't get me wrong, transitioning has clearly had a positive effect on my life, anyone who knows me can spend ten minutes with me now and see that. I just haven't been letting myself believe it is happening to me, I look in the mirror and I feel more like I'm looking at someone else. What happened that day is it actually felt like me looking back at me. It was fleeting, and as I said, I have no idea how to summon it back up, but it was amazing. The reality of what is happening dawned on me for a brief moment. I really felt like that woman is ME. I've almost been scared to feel that feeling, I was concerned it would turn to utter terror. Into "holy shit what the hell am I doing?". Instead it made me smile, my eyes brightened, I stood up on my tip-toes and squeed. I started sizing myself up, picking at my hair, messing with my shirt, just in general enjoying what I seen, in every angle. I did that for a bit then realized how much of a girl I was being. I finished brushing my teeth and went to bed probably more content then I've been able to be in a long time.
Then the next day during mid afternoon I was laying in bed, fully dressed just having a little lay-down. I looked down at myself and the feeling I had yesterday started to creep in. This time I wasn't looking in a mirror I was looking at myself. Again, that feeling of "this is happening to *me*, this is how I look now." I don't know how to explain it, it's like watching something in a movie then turning to see that same thing happen in your room to you. Almost an epiphany of reality. I actually thought to myself "I bet if I touch my leg right now it will feel crazy." so I did. I was right. Feeling something on my skin is a feeling I haven't become used to yet. Simple "make-out sessions" with my partner are a sensory overload, that I actually can't endure it's so intense. When I touched my leg while on the bed it was like I injected something into my leg. A one finger touch, through jeans and it coursed from my fingertip through my thigh stopping at my knee. I gasped and cried actually. The intense reality that was hitting me made me unable to do much else.
And then I realized how happy I was. How when I look at myself, and I actually feel like it's me, it almost like a childhood, arm-pumping "Yes!", it feels like victory. That fleeting sense of "self" being the most intense, centered feeling I've ever had about me, I felt it right through my whole body. The other amazing thing about that feeling is I'm not convinced it's not coming back. In fact, today I feel like it's the inevitable result that will come from my transition.
The imagine that's in my head right now of myself being a woman that has that centered feeling being my norm seems almost like I'm picturing Wonder Woman. A woman with so much substance it looks like time is on her schedule, not the other way around.
I'll get there, some day.
Anyway, enough of that.
Something interesting has been happening to me the last few days. I'm not really sure how to describe it because it's a feeling that I actually have to concentrate, or not concentrate, I'm not sure, on feeling it. I felt it first looking the the mirror on friday before I went to bed. I was being lazy and not taking my make-up off before going to bed but I went to the bathroom to brush my teeth. I had my wig off and when I looked in the mirror I noticed I still looked feminine. It's either because my hair is long enough to look good now, or that with the combination of whatever else the hormones have done had me looking feminine to myself.
I think I have mentioned the "fake it until you make it." attitude. It's sort of how I get through life. I've operated, and made decisions many... many times as if it was happening to someone else. That's how I've been doing this transition as well. Just go through the motions and it'll all work out in the end. I don't know how to describe not putting any emotional stock into something, even yourself, but that is what I do.
Tangent time. This is something I have developed over time out of necessity. There's this thing humans do that causes a host of problems. People let themselves get attached to everything, their car, TV, guitar, favorite dishtowel, whatever. I've stopped myself from doing this. When living a life of constantly finding new people, places, and things and then just walking away from it all with no good-byes it starts becoming very hard to deal with yourself. This attachment we all do ends up in pain. Every. Single. Time. Your favorite shirt will eventually be unwearable, your favorite TV show will end, your pets will die, your lovers will leave you.
I used to get unbelievably attached to things, especially people and animals. Every loss to me was like tearing out a part of my soul, I'm pretty sure losing my pet cat was the last time I've felt like that, about 10 years ago. Though I guess a handful of people have managed to slip past the defenses over those 10 years.
It has had a few effects on me. One, I don't feel the horrible stab of loss when something or someone exits my life, it was going to happen anyway. I take situations and people as they come, how someone acted yesterday rarely has an effect on how I react to them today. I say rarely because, be an asshole enough times and I'll tell you to go to hell. But I don't register what people say to me. Yes, I hear them, I process what they say but it doesn't stick with me. I don't attach whatever just happened with that person like some sort of label. Same goes with everything else. I have no attachment to anything around me because none of it defines me.
All that sounds not bad, some of it even good.. almost wise. But the other side effects are starting to outweigh them. No more feelings of loss, but that comes hand in hand with feeling empty all the time, no one and nothing able to fill that hole. It has to be one of the things that boggle people about me. Who the hell is Rebecca, what does she do or like? Difficult to connect to people when you have nothing about you that they can compare to themselves. I don't feel any more. I used to be so compassionate, so empathic I would know there was something upsetting you before you did. Now, I just as well be walking around the matrix, every face just a symbol of a husk moving around the world. I've had my eyes closed, rummaging around my own head for a long time and now that I'm lifting my head back up and looking around at everyone it's very obvious to me I've missed a large part of the conversation. I know so much about *me* but I have no idea how to apply that to the real world. I have no idea now what I do and don't like, which sounds trivial but it leaves me lost often enough. I know who *I* am but I know nothing about how that person fits in with the rest of the people in life.
So what does this have to do with me in the mirror? Well, I've been doing this transition with no attachment. As much as I've always wanted it I'm just waiting for it to come to an end somehow. I already can't afford my HRT, I'm waiting for the month that I can't take my medication, that won't be a happy month. So, from conditioning, I'm waiting to lose something else I would have rather gotten attached to, but I'm not letting myself.
Don't get me wrong, transitioning has clearly had a positive effect on my life, anyone who knows me can spend ten minutes with me now and see that. I just haven't been letting myself believe it is happening to me, I look in the mirror and I feel more like I'm looking at someone else. What happened that day is it actually felt like me looking back at me. It was fleeting, and as I said, I have no idea how to summon it back up, but it was amazing. The reality of what is happening dawned on me for a brief moment. I really felt like that woman is ME. I've almost been scared to feel that feeling, I was concerned it would turn to utter terror. Into "holy shit what the hell am I doing?". Instead it made me smile, my eyes brightened, I stood up on my tip-toes and squeed. I started sizing myself up, picking at my hair, messing with my shirt, just in general enjoying what I seen, in every angle. I did that for a bit then realized how much of a girl I was being. I finished brushing my teeth and went to bed probably more content then I've been able to be in a long time.
Then the next day during mid afternoon I was laying in bed, fully dressed just having a little lay-down. I looked down at myself and the feeling I had yesterday started to creep in. This time I wasn't looking in a mirror I was looking at myself. Again, that feeling of "this is happening to *me*, this is how I look now." I don't know how to explain it, it's like watching something in a movie then turning to see that same thing happen in your room to you. Almost an epiphany of reality. I actually thought to myself "I bet if I touch my leg right now it will feel crazy." so I did. I was right. Feeling something on my skin is a feeling I haven't become used to yet. Simple "make-out sessions" with my partner are a sensory overload, that I actually can't endure it's so intense. When I touched my leg while on the bed it was like I injected something into my leg. A one finger touch, through jeans and it coursed from my fingertip through my thigh stopping at my knee. I gasped and cried actually. The intense reality that was hitting me made me unable to do much else.
And then I realized how happy I was. How when I look at myself, and I actually feel like it's me, it almost like a childhood, arm-pumping "Yes!", it feels like victory. That fleeting sense of "self" being the most intense, centered feeling I've ever had about me, I felt it right through my whole body. The other amazing thing about that feeling is I'm not convinced it's not coming back. In fact, today I feel like it's the inevitable result that will come from my transition.
The imagine that's in my head right now of myself being a woman that has that centered feeling being my norm seems almost like I'm picturing Wonder Woman. A woman with so much substance it looks like time is on her schedule, not the other way around.
I'll get there, some day.
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