Monday 14 April 2014

Differential

I've been having a running theme in my life and on my mind the last few days to a week. I guess the truth of it is it has been the running theme all of my life. I feel like this is going to come across as arrogant so let me start by saying a few things. I hate this that I'm about to write about. I would rather it not be true. I have always thought bad about it and it seems my therapist sees it about me too. She has made a point to point it out to me almost every session I have had with her since, perhaps, our third session. She also seems to be doing her best to make me see it in a positive way, and I seem to be doing my best to resist her efforts.

So to be clear, I'm not bragging about myself, I'm not looking for compliments, either. The reason I write this now is because it seems to be something I need to deal with in one way or another.

I am different.

Yes yes, I know. "I'm special like everyone else." but that isn't what I mean. There is something about me that singles me out in a group of people, and from my experience, it rarely matters how large that group is, or the selection of personalities. I have always thought, before transitioning, before letting everyone know I am transgender, that being transgender is what made me different. In a labeling sort of way. I'm transgender, the majority of people are not, therefore, I am different. Now, however, that I have been transitioning for a while I have started to feel that difference I have with the world again, and it isn't because I'm transgender, or at least not entirely.

I'm almost certain though that being transgender has had a great deal of impact on how I have developed and has contributed to this "difference" I am talking about, but it is more then that. I cannot put my finger on all of the attributes that single me out, but I have a few.

What it has started to do, again, is make me feel completely alone. I can't help but think back on different points of my life, of the different people that have been in those points and how I have never truly connected with someone. We all live with this belief that we are all "one of a kind" but that isn't really the case. Most people have a great deal of likeness with most people. It is obvious when you seen a large group of people, like a big work place, or school/university/college. People have all of their own interests, but many people connect in little pockets. Little bits of similarities that bring them together in those pockets.

I have belonged to a pocket or two, here and there, but it has always been a conscious choice. I have had one girlfriend in one part of my life describe me as a chameleon because of my ability to be anyone I wanted to any group of people. Honestly, in my older age I've given that up, I've attached myself to the wisdom of being who you are, for yourself, and no one else. They are indeed wise words, but for some of us those words make you a person that no one can connect with.

As I've said, I don't know what this difference is that i have. Its effects though, are obvious. People stare at me, for one. I used to hope it was because I am attractive, but then I started to take note of the people who were staring and I get it from everyone. From young men to old women to infants. I feel like the bobbing bouy floating along in the ocean. Everyone can't help but see it because it sticks out so drastically from the rest of it's surroundings. The difference being, there is nothing gaze worthy of my appearance. I look rather plain, I think. It's winter now, so I'm wearing my white jacket that goes just past my ass, I have jeans on, simple black boots, my hair is not quite shoulder length, and is a simple brown color. I have no tatoos anyone can see.. I don't seem to obviously show that I am transgender, it seems the chances of absolutely everyone being polite enough to gender me correctly and never say anything offensive, or curious even, are way to slim for it to be that people are looking because they can see I'm transgender. There is nothing about me that should draw all of this cold attention but I am receiving it on a level that is beginning to make me uncomfortable.

That's just from strangers, from people that don't even say as much as hello to me. The other people in my life, the people that I have conversations with, that I see fairly regularly, they get to slowly see how different I really am. Every single person who bothers to talk to me will find something in common with me. I am incredibly good at talking to anyone about anything, take that as literally as you possibly can. The problem is after time I will eventually show you that this part about me that you thought we had in common is just one, very small sliver of who the person I am. Just because I can have a three hour long talk with you about it doesn't mean it means anything at all close to important to me in my life.

All of that is rather trivial, where the differences comes from is my base personality compared to those around me. Now this is where all of that illusionary arrogance will show up. For the majority of people I am intelligent on a level that they have a difficult time coping with. Most people have a hard time adjusting to it, or even knowing how to exist next to it. I have been fired from jobs and have been socially singled out before simply because people have seen my intelligence as a threat to them. I'm not here trying to say I'm the smartest person in the world, it is just that where my intelligence lands isn't cohesive with most people around me.

For those that can keep up with regards to intelligence there are several other obstacles. My life philosophies, my perspective and my extreme self reflection apparently makes for a combination that people just don't understand, or misinterpret. I have gone a long time judging myself very harshly, and I don't want others to judge me that way. As religious as I am not, the 'golden rule' makes sense to me so I try to live it, 'Do on to others as you would have them do on to you." I find even this singles me out. I try to treat people with respect, I try to let people live and act how they would like. I try to understand where people's aggression may be coming from. Now I am not perfect, but I'm not too bad either. I find speaking my mind on these things also singles me out.

Anyway, enough of listing my differences, just trust me they are there. Seeing these all surface again has made me very lonely. It has nothing to do with being alone in my own apartment now. Another thing that is part of the package that makes me different is how much I enjoy being alone, and hand in hand, how little I need to be around others. Where the loneliness comes from is not finding anyone that I can really connect with. Someone that I don't need to try to help them understand me, they just do. Someone who doesn't take offense from the wide array of things I do, say or think that go against social norms because they are not meant to be offensive, they are just part of my being different then you.

I do wish people could see how much I do like them, how I don't judge anyone until I am being judged. I seem to have created this half loud, take on anything sort of demeanor but what is really underneath is someone who is aching for connection, someone who is very shy and is all but convinced you won't like me so I stay away and deflect the hurt of rejection.

I've gone so long being offensive to everyone in one way or another that I'm starting to believe that that is just who I am. I feel like everything about me points out that people shouldn't be around me, or I shouldn't be around people. I do have a desire to be alone, but that largely comes from it being such a challenge to be around people. I don't want this, I really don't, but I hurt or somehow offend everyone, I feel. Who wants to live like that?