The Alpha And The Omega

I don't really have much to say here today other then I don't have much to say. January has become a month of change, some good, some bad, some on purpose, some not at all. It's the reason I haven't been keeping up and the reason I'm considering stopping this blog.

My running theme seems to also fit here. I can't say I won't be back, but I have no idea if or when that will be.

I still have a lot to say, so maybe in the future I'll sit down and say them but right now I need to stand up and do something.

Take care of yourselves everyone
Rebecca

Natural Disaster

I'm having a deeply introspective day today, so be prepared.

Well, I started the year off with this blog as I hoped, but then mother nature decided differently. For those who don't know, we just had a storm and cold weather here that caused blackouts and a province wide loss of power for several days. So writing in this blog sorta had to wait, heh.

But speaking of which, mother nature is who most of this post is going to be about, what her little storm made me feel and what the bitch decided to do with me to begin with.

It was a somewhat serious situation. In this house in particular we spent a good few hours with no power. We were in no real danger or anything. We had food, water and heat mostly figured out, though the car and driveway were literally buried in snow, and half the door.

Anyway, I sorta enjoyed the "roughing it" that we were forced to do, it was a few days in when I went to shave that my mind started thinking. I need to stop my self from thinking like this, but I sorta can't help it. I couldn't help but realize how screwed I would be if things suddenly went to hell. Really it's an even more delicate balance then that, it wouldn't take an armageddon for my medication to suddenly not be available, there are plenty of ways.

What it got me feeling though is one of the feelings that are deeply emotionally, exclusively, trans related and they are part of the pain we carry around with us. I've touched on a few of them before, but I'll try and make a sort of list this time. I'm sure I'll forget some.

My body isn't my own. What occurred to me when shaving during snowpocalpyse was how much of "this" (I was looking in the mirror) is completely reliant on things that are not my "natural" me. How to explain this? I've tried to others before and have gotten the annoying "oh all women are... blah blah" crap.

I don't feel a kind of dirty that no shower will ever clean off because when my mascara runs out my eyelashes won't look beautiful. I feel that way because if I didn't have many of the things I have available now I would look like a man. My emotions and day to day life would change back just as obviously as my body, and coincide. There is possibly a time where many of those things become unnecessary, but a few of them will be around forever and it will take a lot of time, and a whole lot of money.

I'm not sure if that, or how I would, convey how emotionally deflating that feels. I have a few more things like this that are not trans related, well mostly my eyes I guess. It bothers me from time to time that I'm colorblind and I need glasses, but I'm not thinking of getting surgery for that, and really, who cares?

There's something about this gender expression though that if it's not happening the way I (we?) feel it should, man do I get upset. I can't imagine anything else making me feel like I'm not me like this does.

I have no womb. I have mentioned this before. I can't really speak to how a FtM feels about this, but for myself, and I have heard other MtF say the same, it's not just that I can't have kids anymore. That wouldn't have bothered me before my transition. The reason it didn't bother me then is probably the same reason it does now and it is because I don't have a womb. Not only can I not have kids, but I can't, and never could have them like a woman, and I WANT to , I always have. That is something I certainly can't express. Please, someone explain to me how to describe the desire to use a part of "your" body that you don't even have and the utter negation of ability and hope the moment reality creeps in.

I can't *be* a woman, let me explain that before someone jumps down my throat. Of course, I'm as womanly, as feminine as I decide to be, just like everyone else does and should have the right to do. I'm a woman, and deserve, no, demand to be treated as such.

However...

I can't have a child of my own, I can't give birth to one, I can't have sex and get pregnant, I can't be pregnant, I can never experience that, and again, I want to and always have.

Lost time. This one usually hits me hard when I let it hit me. It's one of the things I envy about the young trans people I have met. How I wish I could have experienced my younger life as a happier female rather then how I did. It's rare for someone to know they are trans before puberty from my understanding so I imagine even these younger people I've met also wish they could have experienced being little boys and girls the way they would have wanted.

What a waste my life feels like to me. I had such a good home, and many opportunities and good experiences... oh but to have spent them as a girl. I would have loved to have been asked to the prom rather then done the asking. I could have hung around with "the girls" more in school, spent time doing whatever it is high school girls did back then.

To have some young kid try to feel me up in the back of his dad's car...

So many experiences that many of us hold dear that I'll never have, the possibility is simply gone. The possibility was never there.

I've thought of a handful of other things, but they rest within these three things I've mentioned. I have had being transgender described to me as "nature's worse curse" and I'm pretty sure I've said that here before. Let me try to explain some though, and try not to be insensitive while I'm at it.

Honestly when I first heard that I immediately thought "well how about all those people born with autism, or without limbs, etc?" That's a pretty unfriendly "curse" to have. What made me understand this "worse curse" description a little better was the "curse" part of it because that's really such an accurate term.

The thing that makes this most difficult is the subtly of it. There was no doctor informing my parents they just had a transgender child. There was no psychologist working with me at a young age to determine if I'm transgender or going through a hard childhood phase. There is no help. In fact, there is nothing but hindrance. This curse starts off lightly but builds momentum as you get older while at the same time staying it's subtle, relentless self. Not only has it effected every portion of my life, but it has robbed me of a past I long to have and has made my future shaky at best. I had no idea all of this was going to happen to me until it happened, and when it happened I had no idea what it meant.

That's not a fair curse.

I must admit, I feel very pitiful when I think about this and let in all of the details that can only be conjured by the mind experiencing them. It all seems like such a fantasy story but it isn't. When I occasionally place "me" where I belong in history it feels like something I should have read in a book, until I remember it's not a book, it's me, Rebecca. These are the days (like I'm feeling today will be) that I feel inadequate. Inadequate to do what, exactly? Be human.

These are the days you see me, and I'd imagine other TG's, being very quiet. For me, it's giving my mind the space and time it needs to do it's constant war, keep going or give up. The happier days, even my angrier days are better then these. Those only happen when my mind is having a ceasefire. Though, to be honest my frustration over myself has a tendency to lead to angry lashes.

This all makes me wonder of my place in the world. I don't feel like it's being around people, it seems like the more I'm around people the more I show myself how much of a shade of a human I am. I've been alone for so long I'm the only one in my world. I talk to myself more then I talk to anyone else. Of course this effects the people I'm around, and more often then not I'm left feeling people would be better off without me, and frankly I have no reason to believe otherwise.

People talk to me about the bravery and strength I must have. Honestly their compliment feel like insults to me. Brave? Ha! Strong? lol! You have no idea, how scared and weak I am. Go inside my head on days like this and come back out, trust me you'll see nothing but a scared, confused, broken, and lost "person" who is so unsure of themselves they feel like person should be in quotation marks.

Fuck it, I'm done today.

Emotional Banquet

So now that christmas is over with for another year we can finally stop talking about it, however, I am going to force you to sit through one more talk about christmas. I kinda figure if you aren't sick of it by now you won't be. So anyway...

Boxing day is the big day for my family. Well it's the biggest day during christmas for my parents and myself, I'm not really sure how everyone else feels about it. When we were younger it was usually the entire family, but as we got older, people started going separate ways, and the gathering ended up being less then before for a few years here and there.

This year we were packed, just about the entire family was there, though a few couldn't make it. I was nervous as fuck, particularly before everyone was there. It was going to be the first time I was around them all while presenting female, and the first time at all for some of them.

I have come to the conclusion I am the luckiest miserable trans-woman on the planet. My family seemed to accept me with no trouble what-so-ever. The first relative to come did so when we thought it was my mother coming back with my brother. Instead it was my cousin. I was genuinely caught off guard when I seen her in the porch and heard her "hello!"

I have to say, it almost seemed like she was a little shocked, or maybe a little extra excited to see me. She exclaimed something and quickly came to me for a hug. I was a little taken back, which I'll explain a little more in a sec, but partially because I was just surprised that it was her and not my mother.

I'm glad it worked out like it did though, and I'm glad it was her first. I started to relax almost right after her hug. I started to feel something, and it was so apparent on my face that my partner pointed it out, but what I was feeling was actually being a part of the family. So often in the past the men/boys in the family were the only ones that approached me much, but god I had nothing to talk about so the conversations were rarely long. Besides, I was probably on my way to the computer to get away and just got caught by someone. This time I ended up sitting in with the family chatting with one of the groups of mostly women. I think that was pretty much the first time that happened.

There were a few "funny to me" moments. All the women in the family easily gave me hugs, the men were awkward as hell, lol. Oh men, so scared of their sexuality. But I had to navigate quite a few hesitant hand-shake, hug crosses and you could see the puzzle going through their head.

Oh god, does it make me sadistic that I enjoyed that? lmao

All in all I interacted with everyone far more then I ever would have. I'd say if you add up my word count that day it would be equal to the last 20 years. I had that "I'm here" feeling a few times as well. A couple of times I had to go to the bathroom to collect myself just from the emotion going on. Remember how I said having these feelings in familiar situations makes them more acute? It was exactly that. There were so many things that happened or situations I noticed that I know with total certainty that I didn't feel like this all of those other times. That was one of the main reasons I was so emotional, and it's something that makes me emotional whenever I think about it. The times I catch myself feeling calm, in control of my feelings, and happy on top of that it reminds me of how, all the time before, I didn't feel like that. Every time before I was feeling scared, confronted, confused, such inner turmoil I couldn't really feel the people around me.

So why was I taken back by the hug? What really caught me was her enthusiasm in seeing me, well she seemed so. I was always the outcast of the family, or at least that was how I always felt. To have one of them practically "squee" at seeing me was not something I was expecting. She is the sweetheart of the family though, so understandable.

It sort of set the precedent for the rest of the day. There were no questions or transition specific talks, and that had me feeling like I said it does. It's a bit of a reminder of how my uncle was treated. That being said though, I wasn't shunned by anyone, and everyone made a point to say hello, that wasn't always the case.

That day, all in all, ended up being a strong contrast to the feelings I was having monday morning, the loss for myself. In this situation, with my family on boxing day, it was made obvious to me the total 180 I have done from who I was before. I was there, I mean really there. I wasn't thinking about a hundred different things all making me feel depressed and detached from my own family right in front of me. I was feeling the feelings for what was happening at the time.

There is one moment in particular that sticks with me. I hope I don't make people paranoid by letting them know how minor of details I notice. Anyway, the moment was after supper was over. A few people had gotten up from which ever of the three tables they were sitting at and the rest of us were sitting there, chatting and sipping drinks. This happens just about every year, of course, and every year I was one of the few getting up, I was getting up to leave though, not help with dishes. This was the first year I stayed and talked. I don't remember what we were talking about and it's not important, what's important is I/we were talking. What really got me was when one of my cousins made it a point to get up from where she was and sit next to me. Never has that happened, never never never. It was around then when the feeling of being part of the family started to creep up and get noticed by me. I had to stop talking and just listen because the emotions were running so high.

I guess people are still used to me being fairly quite, and maybe now they understand why. I'm still quite at times, of course, being reflective is part of my nature now. The few times I stopped talking and just watched, I didn't feel like it was because it was the best thing for me to do. Some of the time it was me thinking about how much better this is then before, the rest of the time was watching my family interact, the constant observer I am. It created a new feeling in me, a feeling of belonging. A feeling like I'm watching the people I care about just be their beautiful selves.

League of Extraordinary Gentlemen

Since I've spoken about them before, I guess this is a little bit of an update.

I've gotten in contact with many of my high school friends and actually found that a lot of them still make it a point to hang out every sunday. So, I've been joining them every sunday for the last month or so.

It has been... no big deal. It's totally crazy honestly. Not to pick on my friends but boy, are they ever traditional. I'm not sure if their political views are also conservative, I would think not for most of them, but they are typical middle class people. Now, I know these are assumptions, myself being the best example, but there isn't a single LGBT among them, those in relationships are all male-female. Their sexual experience seems... minimal, again not to make assumption, but the handful of sexual innuendo that has come about like it does with a group of friends their, shall we say 'conservative' approach to it is a little obvious.

So, all of that in mind, they have let me back into their lives like I was gone a week, rather then sixteen years, and nothing has changed, rather then the fact I'm transgender. Were we meet every sunday is in another city and I have yet to worry about rides because of them (I don't drive). I've been offered help in the form of rides to places, and someone to talk to. They all treat me like they always have, and new comers to the "gang", like partners and what not, are all following their lead, every one of them being a good friend in the making, it's absolutely surreal.

None of them realize how foreign this all is too me. Hand in hand with that is my not realizing I have been missing it. These people are all but the polar opposites of the sort of people I've been around, and there is simply no comparison to the points in my life that I was completely alone. I feel like a caged, mistreated animal being let out by a saviour instead of the cruel master I've always had. I'm slowly stepping into their world cautiously watching every move we all make.

If myself and either single one of them gets back to that super comfortable that teen friends have, and I fill them in on this part of my past, I'm sure I'll shock them, positive even. I've lived in the part of society that these people and most like them have only heard of on tv.

That actually has little to do with what I'm here to talk about today, but it may help to know so you can understand where I'm coming from about the rest.

The sunday before christmas we got together again, this time though more of our old friends were in town visiting family for christmas, and visiting the rest of us was part of their plan. It ended up feeling like we just took a slice of our teenage past and inserted it into our lives now, all of us talking and carrying on. The playful insults this group has ALWAYS done, two people arguing over something not serious, a slightly larger group all doing the same thing together, talking and having fun. I have no idea how I managed to get out of there that night with my emotions still intact.

I didn't, however, keep them intact the next morning. I started to get emotional when I got home but it was late and I went to sleep. When I woke up it was the first thing on my mind. I guess I should be careful what I wish for because I felt it, I felt loss for my past for the first time. I was a little weepy at first, but the more I thought about it the more I cried until I was sobbing into my pillow. I don't even know what I was feeling, loss, regret, cheated, deprived, all of those, and more that I can't describe. I remember the person I used to be for them, and I'm not that now. There are so may reasons, transitioning, my history, my lifestyle, time passed. I felt like I usually do, like the outside person watching the room full of people interact, but this time I felt like being on the outside wasn't were I belonged, I should have been my old self there chatting and talking about my life with everyone.

It's a feeling I can't reconcile, this feeling of lost time, of feeling cheated. Feeling loss for myself was something I never had, but now it's still with me. Every now and then I'm reminded of who I was, and it makes me a little sad. It's a complicated feeling though, for me. I bounce back and forth between wondering what could have been if I wasn't transgender and wondering what could have been if I came out earlier. Two parallel worlds, neither of them real, but it's all I can think about when I feel this way.

I want to be inside my friends heads. During all my past I always assumed no one ever talked about me when I wasn't around. I simply didn't think of myself as important enough for people to give any thought too. Now though, maybe this is arrogant, I would imagine I've been a fairly hot topic among them all, hell among everyone who I know, I would guess. But what do they all think? What do they see when they look at me, or when they watch me do or act overtly feminine? How often, if at all do they think something like "fuck she's so different." and how many times does that bother them, if at all? What connections are they making with our past, have any of them thought back and thought how much this explains? I'd even take the bad thoughts just to know the truth.

I've been asked the usual list of questions, when did I know, when did I come out, how do I feel about surgeries the typical questions. None of them have gotten personal, I mean specific to me personal and if there was a group of people who should feel free to do that it's them. That being said however, I've had little time with any of them one on one.

I think I just realized something. I have nothing else to talk about other then being transgender. I want them to start conversations about something they are probably scared to talk about. People talk about their lives, work, children, hobbies, they all have all of those. Transitioning is all that is in my life. Sure I've worked, I have hobbies in the past but even then, not transitioning was what my life was. I worry about becoming one of those people who have a "problem" and that's all they talk about, but this isn't just a problem, it's a solution. It's happiness and sadness, it's exciting and terrifying, it's mundane and interesting. It's a full new set of "life" that people don't even know exists. This isn't just a bad back, or getting laid off, this is me. This is my entire life, who I am inside and out. Later in my new life, when I'm done transitioning and I'm a "woman" (whatever that means exactly) I'll still have the knowledge of me going through this transition, to be born male and now fully female, and I know I'll draw strength from it.

For some reason, and I know this is fairly different then other TG's, I want to scream it from a mountain top, or I guess Signal Hill for you Newfies. I'm not afraid of being transgender any more, in fact I'm very intensely ready to embrace every ounce of it, and I want others to know that. It seems to be the only counter to all of the regret and how cheated I feel about my past.

Ok, words are just flowing out of my fingers today, so I'm going to stop here before I end up writing all day. Back tomorrow.