Little Girl

Something I have slowly started to realize about my past is how the woman in me was always there. I guess that may come across as a little obvious that it was or shocking that I didn't see it before. My feminine side came to me at a very early age, I could say as young as five or six, through a variety of ways. The things I wanted to play with, a dream I had that recurred throughout my life, and the people and their habits that I was curious about. Not just curious, I wanted to be them, I wanted to have their habits.. What also came just as early was the necessity to hide them. I honestly cannot say what or who it was that made me start moving that part of me into the shadows, but it was an unconscious decision and I hid them well, so well that I'm only finding them myself, now.  The only people I can think of were my friends and children in school.

I have always been a people pleaser, putting my own feelings aside to make sure others felt safe, or happy, either with me, the situation, or themselves. I remember remarks like people saying I walked funny as a child which I slowly corrected. I was walking somewhat feminine, as feminine as a six year old can. Even at that age I fantasized about women, but I didn't fantasize about them, I would fantasize about their panties. How soft they must feel and how smooth they are, I never liked boy's underwear. I remember craving to get into my grandmothers bedroom to look at all of her jewelry and make-up, I am almost certain it is where my love for the smell of make-up powder came from. And I remember being told to get out of there more then once. I felt more of a connection with my childhood friends mothers then I did them or their fathers. Adult males and I simply did not gel together, what-so-ever, but their wives or other women in my life, I could talk to and be around all day. I thought that was because I was attracted to women, me telling myself that that is what males do. The truth is I felt comfortable with them, I would talk to them and imagine how it would be to be them, I would engage them to get involved in what they were doing, cooking or cleaning, or whatever women did that seemed typically female from a child in the mid eighty's point of view.

What I started to do to cope was tell myself that it was ok for men to desire these feminine things I wanted and enjoyed and it was everyone else who was wrong. I had no idea then, or in my teen years, how those sort of thoughts would be the future, not just mine, but everyone's. It was one of the things that made me feel like I was in a constant battle. Everything I did, or wanted, had to come with some reason for it to be acceptable for a male to do or want. Eventually, I started to believe my own lie, and this is what I am slowly coming to terms with. I look back often to my past and see a boy, or teen male, and think about how I was so male then with male actions and thoughts, so much so that, as I've said before, I feel like I have no past. The truth that has started to surface is how female I was, how much I hid things from myself. I have had female desires and thoughts all of my life. I have been female all of my life

I was obviously a transgender woman waiting to happen.

It actually makes me feel better about myself. Not because of some sort of validation, but because now I look back and my past feels like mine again. I struggled to be something people wanted me to be, expected me to be, and that caused me to not see the truth of the things I wanted to be. Not just that I wanted them, but what the deeper meaning behind those desires were. I didn't see myself arguing with myself about wanting them as the truth it demanded to be seen as, I just felt the struggle. 

It culminated in grade nine. During the year before, I lost weight and grew my hair long and I started to look quite feminine. I started to be something closer to what I wanted to be. What made little sense to me was that was when girls started to be attracted to me, and boys started to want to be my friends. It wasn't conscious, again, but as that year past and grade nine approached it made so little sense to me that this feminine side was getting the sort of attention boys received that I slipped into depression. I would come home from school, go straight to my room and cry into my pillow until supper was ready, very close to every day for about eight months. I'd be crying about how I couldn't fit in, how people didn't really like me. But I was fitting in and I was becoming quite popular. I had no idea I was crying because people weren't treating me as a girl. That girl being the real me that no one liked, the me I was crying over.

The girl I wanted to express came to me in my sexuality, when I was alone. I masturbated often while imagining myself as a girl. I was a teen with, unfortunately, raging testosterone and the only way I found peace of mind enough to be able to masturbate was when thinking of being a woman. I wouldn't just imagine myself sexually as a woman being with a man, I could masturbate to the idea of walking down the road in a dress, looking beautiful. This was when I started to wear women's clothes, and trying things decidedly female, like shaving my legs and underarms, styling my long hair, or taking care of my nails. Things I could do to myself that, I hoped, people could not notice, and it would seem I did a fantastic job at hiding them. It was also when I started to not want my penis, and I wanted breasts and hips, female curves. The body I was in just did not work with the picture I had of myself. Many times I would be in the middle of either masturbating, or putting on female clothes and the reality of my body would make me just flat out stop, sitting straight up in my bed, or throwing the clothes to the floor. I had no actual breasts to wear a bra over, I had no vagina to experience penetration, I hated the sight of my penis in feminine underwear.

Even those thoughts I convinced myself were male oriented. To me, I thought anyone male or female, but especially male would want to explore their body and feelings as much as I did, and why not stumble on the direction I had? I thought any male, given the chance, could enjoy the things I enjoyed. It wasn't my fault I was more open minded then they were. 

It makes me a little sad that I did not have the courage to embrace myself, and shut everyone else out from effecting my feelings toward me. I see, or read about young trans-women who started expressing themselves at a very young age, going in public presenting themselves as girls and I envy them. I wish I could get my time back just so I could do the same. That is a feeling I had immediately after coming out, and seeing how truly comfortable I could feel. What finding all of these little secrets in me is doing though is making me see myself as who I was, it's showing me the past I thought I didn't have at all. All of this time I was a girl convincing myself I wasn't, mainly to please everyone around me, while making myself miserable. I see the overwhelming struggle I was faced with and feel sorry for that little girl. More then wanting to go back to live life differently, I wish I could go back and make her feel better about herself.

So this is for you, little girl. Feel better now.

The Epiphany

Last night I had the most amazing moment of realization I have ever had in my life. It immediately changed my life and who I am. I am a different person today then I was less then twenty-four hours ago.

I was visiting my former partner and the kiddo on my day off. It wasn't planned this way when we first decided I would visit, but I ended up babysitting the kiddo while my Ex went out for something important. It was nice having some alone time with the kiddo, I read to her while she nuzzled into my side and started to doze off. My partner asked me to take care of the kiddo saying she would bring me home when she got back. That would have meant keeping her up fairly late, and besides that, my partner mentioned she would like to have some time alone with me as well. So I decided to put the kiddo to bed at her usual bedtime, and take the bus home, which would also give my partner a little bit of a break, because she looked like she needed it.

When she came home, I told her what I decided and she visibly relaxed. We chatted a short while, I mentioned some of the added difficulties I had thrust on me earlier that day, my solutions making her emotional. She then asked if I would come upstairs so she could have a smoke.

Before I go on, I am about to out myself to my family and parents if they still read this blog, so I should take a moment to do it delicately. I smoke pot, or rather I used to smoke it, regularly. I made the decision while moving out from my partner to give it up, and I've shared only two joints since, which is a better place for me, and it. I could write a separate and rather lengthy post about pot, why I smoked it, why I gave it up, why it's no where near as bad as those who have never used it think it is, how it should be legal and alcohol should not, etc etc. However, that's not why I am here today. I also want to add, and this comes with as much boasting as self awareness, I know how to handle the high, I'm far too intelligent to let it take me over. In fact, I am fully aware of the difference it creates, and rather then letting it consume me, I use it as a tool.

So we went upstairs. She knew I had given it up and didn't ask if I wanted any, but I asked if I could have some. I did it with total reason, I didn't want to get high, I didn't want to use it to "forget" or all of the other damaging reasons to use drugs, I wanted to do so for two reasons. I wanted it's effect on my perception, as George Carlin said, marijuana is a value changer. Also, I wanted to recreate a familiar feeling as much as possible. Sitting in my old room, smoking a joint with my partner because, as I have mentioned, I like being in familiar situations and feel how I am feeling now compared to the feeling I used to have.

Sitting there smoking the joint, talking with my partner was when this revelation started to hit me. It was not as powerful as it ended up being, at first, it was mostly a few "hmm, look at that." sort of thoughts. I started to realize how I slipped back a little more into my former self, feeling the need to comfort my partner, talking in a meaningful manner. I noticed how the female voice I've been practicing so hard with, didn't seem to fit this conversation. I'm not sure if I dropped much lower then I usually do, but I was a little concerned that I had.

I had a bus to catch, so I cut our talk a little short to go downstairs to start getting ready to leave. I gathered my things and talked a little longer. We hugged, and that was when the power of what I was beginning to understand started to truly hit me. She was not hugging me as a "see ya later" or for comfort, that hug was a good-bye. I felt like I was watching myself through a reality show, or a drama series or something of the like. In this story, I played the transgender woman who has, or is starting to, find her way. My partner playing the important people in my life getting left behind. The decisions I have been making, all selfish ones, every single on of them being one I needed to make. I had to make them to be myself, and for the first time in my life, they were decisions I made with me in mind. It was then that suddenly I started to see who I am. I really started to see me as people must see me.

I let her hug me as long as she wanted, until it became time to catch the bus. I can honestly say I have never been held as tightly, or with so much intensity, as she held me last night. I left, making the decision to think about her later so I could think about this new feeling and understanding I was having. Waiting for the bus was cold, and made me think of little else other then getting on the bus. When I did, I sat down and fished out my headset to listen to some music. I listen to a lot of Tool, like I say to friends, "Everyone else plays music, Tool plays art." They have several songs about the clarity drug use gives us, and about exploring yourself to find who you are. One specifically where they mention not having a pen to write it down, and finally the epiphany I was having overwhelmed me.

I actually laughed at myself, I had no pen and nothing to write on. Then I realized I had a few mechanical pencil leads in my purse, and a bus schedule. I got them both out, and started writing on my schedule, breaking the little leads so many times, I had no pencil to put them in, I was just trying to use the lead itself. Besides how difficult it was to write with that sort of implement, on a shaky bus, on a bus schedule resting on my lap what I wrote came out with amazing clarity. I had to switch buses once and on my second bus I was sitting in a more open area, facing sideways and more or less encroaching on a group of three friends. Sitting sideways made me notice my reflection in the window, which drove home what I was coming upon. I must have looked like an absolute nut case, or totally brilliant, using what I could to pour out my thoughts to paper, naked pencil refills, and a bus schedule. I was frantically trying to write down what I could on such a poor medium to be able to remember everything I was thinking and feeling at the time.

I finally seen myself. I finally felt myself. I finally knew the person I was presenting. I have talked so many times about this "super woman" I picture myself becoming. It was on the bus that I realized there was no "becoming", I have become. People already see me as the person I want to be, I am the only one who has not. My old male self forgotten and I didn't see it happening. I live exactly like, and as, a woman. Not just "a" woman, but "the" woman I want to be. Sure I have some hurdles to overcome, but they are not who I am, they do not make, or decide me, they are just things to do. I am here now. I have been piecing myself together, in my mind, for survival. The reality of it is I have pieced myself together in ways that make me comfortable, ways that make me "me". Again, I see "improvements" but I am doing what I can, with what I have. Not just "doing" I am expressing myself.... EXPRESSING MYSELF how *I* want to express myself.

I said many posts back that when I finally see that I have lost all of the male side of me, of how I have become the woman I want, or that I am incredibly amid my journey that it will be a powerful sight. Well everyone, here I am. It didn't hit me the way I thought it would. I thought I would cry in a combination of happiness and sadness. What happened was complete elation. My mood became... unfamiliar. I started to smile at myself, hysterical laughter leaking out of me as much as I could while in a crowded bus. When I got off the bus, I didn't even notice the cold, I practically floated down the road to my house. My roommates were asleep, and it was fairly late so I was quiet as I went upstairs to get a banana to go with my medication. When I got to my room I threw everything down and ran my eyes over what I had written over and over, I lost count. I wanted to write this post then, but I decided to wait until I woke up and see how the clarity felt. Everything has changed for me it seems. The clarity, still there, is showing me who I am, who people see me as, how I can express myself in a way that makes me feel glorious and what I can do to make myself, more "me". I have direction and definition in my life, and it didn't come from a job, or a friend, or family, it came from inner peace.

I just took a moment to re-read what I already wrote in the post and I have one concern. I am concerned I have not been able to really stress how life altering this has been, how much it has changed everything, how truly magnificent this revelation was. People throw around those sort of words often, "amazing", "incredible", "revelations". However, I truly mean them. I simply cannot communicate the astounding feeling that has washed over me. This goes beyond a good idea, or something that makes me a little more comfortable with myself. This is an epiphany in its truest form. People say they are shocked, or surprised, or have their breath taken away as descriptors far more often then as truth. I can honestly say, I felt all of those things as this feeling, this acknowledgement, washed over me.

I thought this post would be longer, actually. It could be, if I wanted to get into detail of how every thought came over me, and that was my initial intent. I think though I'll leave this as is, people do not want to watch my brain tick away, trust me, it is chaotic.

What I will leave you with is how suddenly excited I am to be me. So much of my transition before now has been mainly for health reasons, really no different then someone with an ailment taking medication. Now my transition is about me. About living life how I want to, about expressing to people who I really am, the person I want everyone to see. I no longer feel the need to go out of my way to make sure people see me, I just need to live life as me, what makes me comfortable, what makes me come out of my shell. Everything else will just fall in to place.

Satisfying Desire

Well dammit, a feeling I did not think I would have for a while has crept up on me. I have today off, and I finally have a little money and all I want to do is go out. Which is expected of course. What crept up on me is..

I want to go on a date.

I just sat in front of my computer for the last twenty minutes or so looking for a transgender oriented dating site to sign up to, and I have to say they are all garbage. Us transwomen get fetishized in just about everything on the web. It's a little disheartening not to mention disturbing.

Hmm, I would like to say, I am not slipping into depression here again, just a little legitimately lonely. I am probably going to have a few drinks and watch some "Walking Dead" or go out someplace on my own to pass the night. It is just this is the first time I have really had this feeling since starting my transition so I thought I would write something down about it.

I would imagine it has come from a blatant sexual comment said to me at work. See? I told you work is exactly what I needed to do for so many reasons. It was a quick exchange of words between myself and a supervisor working in the kitchen that it came from. It went something like this..

Supervisor: "Hey can you guys get that (something made out of food) done right away?"
Me: "Hey, stop yelling at us."
Sup: "I'll yell if I want to"
Me: "Then I'll get this done when I want to"
Sup: "Just get it in the oven before I come back there and make out with you."
Me: *smiling* Damn, that was pretty cute, "Ok, I'm already on it."

It was so unexpected, and unsolicited I can not help but see the sincerity of it. I never would have thought I would have gotten a comment like that from anyone, and he is a pretty good looking guy. If we did not work together I would probably go on a date with him. It also explained a couple of looks earlier in the day that a comment of mine generated. The kitchen manager and a co-worker standing next to me were calling across the kitchen to each other, playfully talking tough to each other, claiming all around beatings and whatnot. The manager honestly looked like he was having a rough day, though he was not taking the banter harshly. I called out to him, with my arms open wide,

"Hey (insert name here) do you need a hug!?"

He did not answer me back, instead he looked in the direction of the supervisor I just mentioned with that look that guys give each other when they are thinking the same sexual thing, a sly smile and nod. I did not think anything of it at the time. Honestly, I thought I may have overstepped or something, since he did not say a thing back. But I am thinking now, that was not the case.

So anyway, it made me feel like a sexual being again, what can I say? It cast away the shadow of thinking I will never been seen as attractive to anyone. Of course reality sinks in and I know if I were to go far enough they would find something that, chances are, they would not be interested in. That only bothers me when I let it, and frankly, I am not letting it.

I just want to go on a date. I would love to go to a movie, or dinner, or both, just something warm, it is freezing here these days. I want that experience because I never have. I want to be on the receiving end of someone's attraction, to be desired and have the holder of that desire try to show me.

And I want it from a man.

I feel that feeling with sheer disbelief. I am more then a little surprised I am sitting here writing about feeling what I am feeling because I did not think I would feel it. Me? Want a man? Since when? Now at least, apparently. I am sitting here between sentences fantasizing about how great it would be to go on a date with one. Since it is a fantasy I am not concerning myself with what could go wrong, I am thinking more about what their reaction would be to how soft my skin is now, or what it would feel like to have them touch me and run their hands over my curves. Besides that, how the date itself would go, what would they say, how would they let me know they want to be with me like that.

It does make me wonder though, how can I possibly make, or let, this happen? It is not as simple as finding someone to date, that's not too hard. It is finding someone I can trust as much as I need to, someone who will not be all but disgusted when they find out what I am, or offended. I don't want to think of what could happen to me if that is the case.

Anyway, I guess ultimately I am happy I have this urge today, it is a step forward in my development. As I said, it is one I thought I would not have for quite some time. I guess it means I am becoming more comfortable in myself, and with my own body. How much I want someone to touch me is overwhelming sometimes today. I have stripper-like soft skin and it is craving to be touched. It does make me feel more like a woman, besides the idea that I want it to be a man who touches me, which is reason enough, it is also because of what I want from the encounter. I want to be treated like a woman. "Taken care of" in the sense of what happens on dates, and I also want to be treated like a woman in bed, being touched, caressed, and well.... taken. I guess I am not sure if that is what it is like to be treated like a woman sexually, it is just more or less the opposite of what I feel a man would want.

It is how *I* want to be treated, and I am a woman.

Shedding Weight

So I have been re-reading my blog the last few days and I have realized how much of an idiot I have been lately. What really made me understand was the post I listed a few things about being a girl that make me happy, but throughout most of the posts there are flickers of how much happier I have been now that I started to transition. What makes me an idiot is I have had so much negativity on my mind I have totally forgotten the main point of, well absolutely everything that has happened, is happening, and will happen.

I'm a freaking GIRL now!

I guess it took a feeling that hit me today while at work for me to link it all together. I was just doing some prep-work before the restaurant was open, slicing something with my knife which I find oddly, but undeniably, calming. I was there slicing some green onions and it just dawned on me, everyone in the building, a total of around fifty or more employees, see me as female.

I guess that seems pretty simple to some people but it was an amazing revelation to me. All of the ways I thought I would give my secret away haven't happened, all of my efforts, for what feels like the first time in my life have not been in vain. I go through my entire day, save for trips to the bathroom, without giving it a second thought;. I'm just being myself, being a girl. I dance in the kitchen (no knives out!), I sing (Yes I've gotten my singing voice well enough that I can sing and sound like a female while doing it), I act cute, all things I used to feel well up inside me and would even do sometimes or I'd burst, but there was always a comment given and/or I would make myself feel awkward. Now, I just do these things and they feel natural, and it seems everyone is just taking it as a part of who I am.

Besides how I'm behaving actively the things I'm not doing are something that made me realize how different things are. Today in the morning before open there were four people including me. The guys were talking about all sorts of stuff, from television shows to schools being closed today. There were countless times that I would normally have jumped in and given my opinion just to be heard. Every time I had that thought today I realized two things. One is that I didn't have the desire to make sure people knew what I thought, or that I corrected them on what they were saying, be it an actual correction or my opinion of a correction. Also how many times I had those feelings in the last week or more, or I guess, did not have them. I mentioned before how I really do not like how aggressive I used to be in the past and today was a solid understanding of how much that aggression has slipped away,

Back to my being an idiot. I have been holding so much negativity it has been slowly killing me, literally. The last few months, every time I thought I was starting to feel better about life it would only take a few moments before I started feeling miserable again. To be honest, I have plenty to be miserable about. What I have just begun to realize today it seems, is I have plenty to be the happiest I've ever been in my life. Regardless of what else is happening or not happening in my life right now, what is happening is I am transitioning. Isn't that what I've been waiting all my life to do?

Yes it is.

I think I may have stumbled on a breakthrough in my life, or mental health, or something important anyway. I find myself feeling bad about not feeling bad about some of the things in my life that are, from a realistic point of view, devastating. Like I need to feel bad about them to give them the respect they deserve.

Fuck that, fuck that all right to hell.

How am I suppose to embrace my new found womanhood if I'm wallowing in pain? I have been forgetting what it is I'm doing here while I have been feeling lost about things that are out of my control. Some of them are, or were, in my control but I made the choices I made with what was available to me. When I'm not thinking about the negative in my life I have days like today. Days that after working seven a.m. to three p.m. my manager looked at me and said "You. Can have a good day" implying I can go home. Know what my response was?

Arms spread wide, smile on my face, standing on my tip-toes, "I already had a good day! What do you want me to do now?"

Perhaps the first time that was said by someone at work at the end of their shift, ever.

I've been hurting for so long it is a difficult fact to accept about myself that I am a happy person when I'm not feeling pain. I don't just mean resent events either, I mean the majority of my life. The entirety of my adult life. If I let that go, I am the kind of happy person that is contagious, I watched it happen today. Why not choose being happy over being miserable, that's the whole freaking point of all of what I'm doing that is my transition.

That is why I'm an idiot.

So time to smarten up. I need to stop feeling awful about the things that are done and the things I had no control over. I'm doing nothing but generating a life of hurt that will do nothing but continue that hurt. I do not think it will be easy, I do not think it will be like flipping on a light switch. Realizing I'm not meant to be a miserable sorrowful person is the beginning, if you can imagine that somehow. That noticing what my general emotions are suppose to be in order to get this period of enlightenment to begin is how basic of a beginning I am working with.

I have talked before about this "wonder woman" I always pictured for myself to become. This could be the beginning. I never once pictured her as a sad, misguided, guilt ridden human being. She is always smiling, a big beautiful smile. She knows her place in life and has embraced it. She sees the hurdles and jumps them. She has her vulnerability but it makes her beautiful.

This fool needs to start smiling.

Humble Perspective

"Very well. Since you're all out of perspective and no one else seems to have any in this BLOODY TOWN, I'll make you a deal. You provide the food, I'll provide the perspective, which would go nicely with a bottle of Cheval Blanc 1947"
-Anton Ego "Ratatouille"

I write this post quite tentatively. It comes as a result of a few things. Firstly, but not most importantly, from trying to think of what to write, secondly I feel like maybe I have something worthwhile to say here. Let me set the table a little with an example.

The couple I'm staying with are fantastic, I really haven't met a more kind couple of individuals. They are a cute couple also, together I mean, and treat each other well. Besides that they both have great jobs, one a scientist waiting for a job and the other with a job that allows her to travel and meet interesting people. They both get paid at least moderately well, they own a house that I'm living in with them. They have great friends most of which will go out of their way to spend time with or help them both. I really could go on about how good they are, and things seem to be for them, I have nothing bad to say about them, whatsoever.

One day I got a text message from the woman asking me to talk to her significant other because they just got into a "fight" and she had to go to work before it was resolved to her emotional liking. I try to make it a point to not get involved in other peoples relationships but I did, a small amount, because I was asked. My talk with him didn't last long, and I didn't mean for it to. Now don't get me wrong, they are wonderful, like the picture I hope I just painted of them, but sometimes stress gets to people, and even great couples take it out on each other.

The main thing I want to get at here is my response to her afterward. I gave her my small explanation of what I felt was at the root of the problem. When I was done I said to her, "Next time you two are having a hard time, take a look at me a get some perspective.".

It was when thinking of what I was going to say to her and coming up with the idea of them getting some perspective from me and my situation that I felt I may actually have a real point. It's easy to lose sight of what's important when you are surrounded by it. That seems to be an unfortunate side effect of being human. Something I have learned through this ongoing purge I have come face to face with.

Her reaction to what I said was something like "Oh honey, *hugs*." I'm not sure how much she took into consideration but she seemed to understand what I was trying to say. They both can clearly see where I am in life right now, since I live with them. They know when I say I have "nothing" I am all but 100% literal. Materialistically, the only thing in my possession that was not given to me, or bought for me is my computer. That I bought several years ago before meeting my now ex-partner.

Emotionally they are able to see some. They know of my lost partner, it is the reason I'm here with them. They can see I have few friends, I very rarely go out, and never have I had someone come over. They can't see the turmoil of being between genders, of trying so damn hard to express who I really am only to have it shut down by my own body, or my own confusion over who I am. They probably can't really see how I have no idea who I am, where I come from or where I am going and how that plagues me daily. They've heard me speak of, but don't really comprehend the idea and feeling of loss time, or lack of meaningful accomplishment.

So I thought I'd make a little list for people of things we take for granted. The majority of this will be for both cis and trans people alike.

Having a past. Most people don't consider what it's like to not have memories to reflect on, some people probably wish some of them away, the bad memories. Before I started my transition I would reflect on my past and think of both good and bad memories and I'd wish some of them away. What it did though was give me a map of who I was and how I got to where I am. Now as I reflect it seems like I'm remembering someone else's memories, they don't belong to me. They are memories of a person that doesn't exist, that never really did exist, they are shadow memories. Some of my most powerful memories are the ones I've made over the last half dozen months or so, like the memory of putting up the tree with my partner and kiddo. People should cherish their memories, and especially the emotions they conjure. Don't forget they are the stepping stones of how you came to where you are now, they are the foundation on top of which you've built the most current "you". Your feelings toward them are basically screaming at you to give you direction in life.

The kindness of others. This is something I tried hard to feel appreciative of, but have failed at miserably. I did appreciate what people have done for me before but now that I'm getting kindness from people while needing it the most I truly have come to terms with how wonderful it is. Never forget that people don't have to help you, most people have just as many problems as you do. Most people could use the same amount of kindness they are giving you. Show them, somehow. I'd say how but this is the main reason I've failed so fantastically.

Knowing who you are. I say this rather cautiously. I have a personal belief that people live totally in their own illusions, myself included. However, there is something I am missing now that I'm transitioning that I thought I had before. I don't feel like I fit in anywhere, with anyone. I guess really I've always felt that way it has just become brilliantly into the light now. Most people define themselves some how, some by their jobs, some by a sport or hobby they have or are involved in, whichever. Don't let that become mundane to yourself. Having some sense of "I am 'this'." does wonders to your emotional and mental well being that not everyone has.

The ability to be your own individual. We have this in gargantuan amounts here in western society, take advantage of where you live. (I'm assuming I only have N.A. readers here I guess) As I've mentioned I haven't been able to do so for too long and I feel the effect all too powerfully. Seize who you are or who you want to be and don't be afraid to show it. This is something I learned by gaining it rather then losing it, I am doing exactly this, I've just been stopped for a while, or at least slowed to almost stopped. Everyone is different, don't forget that that is exactly what makes us all the same, it makes us human. Make it a point to learn who you are, according to you. No one can tell you that other then yourself. If we could all truly embrace our differences we could accomplish anything as a species.

The community you live in. I have never considered myself part of the community I live in, and still barely do. That being said, if not for my community I would not be where I am. There is the trans community that I have started to get to know, I have been to a few personal parties that involve them, but also a few events. Events that were started just to help each other. Besides the trans community I've also gotten aid from social workers, therapists and doctors, all of which stem from my community and what it has decided is necessary to have in place. There is so much out there, for so many different kinds of people. I've started to volunteer to try and be a part of it. I've offered aid to my doctor, and a support group for sexual health. Remember these people are out there and remember they are there to help you and everyone else in the community you live in.

Downtime. Something I've had a lot of lately. I find too many people think they need to be doing something all the time and only rest when they have to. If you are waiting until you're exhausted before you take a breather then you are doing it wrong. Do yourself the favor of telling everything in your life that you need to set time away for yourself. Remember, many of the things society calls important are not really that important.

Friends, family, loved ones. It is so easy to overlook the impact these people have in our lives because they are always there. Without them, who would we be? Much can be learned about yourself by stepping back and looking at the people you hold close. These people encourage us, give us a shoulder to lean on, help us relax, get excited with us, feel sad with us, help us get things done, these people are the most important of all things in our lives. You can have a great job, lots of money, cars, houses, anything but it is all worthless without the people in your life to experience them with.

Your mental health. This is something that those without mental health issues, I feel, easily take for granted. Not everyone goes through a day worried about nothing worse then their work or bills. Some of us are being attacked by our own minds. As I've said before, unless you've experienced it, you have nothing to compare it too. If you have always had good mental health, or have achieved it through whatever means, cherish it. It is the most dear thing one can possess, without it life becomes a constant battle with no sides, no winner or loser, just angst and terror.

The food you eat. This may come off as funny, and you may think it's only on this list because I enjoy cooking so much. There have been a few periods in my life where I could not afford food, or much at all. I have lived on onion soup because onions and water were all I could afford. The saying "you are what you eat" is incredibly true. I started to embrace it several years back and I have to say, without much gloating, it shows. I eat an unbelievable amount, but it is good, healthy food, and I am not overweight at all, nor am I underweight. I rarely get sick, to the point that a house full of sick people will not effect me. Be conscious of what you are putting into your body, next to your mental health, your physical health is the most important thing you can develop in yourself. It is something everyone has the power to do, and few choose to do it. Learn how to cook, learn how to take raw, unprocessed food and turn them into something delicious. I would choose onion soup again over the processed crap that money-making companies want to present to us.

Your sexuality. The world we live in, or the species we are, all but forbids us to express our sexuality, and feel comfortable with it. Western society tries as much as it can to dissuade the young to explore their sexuality. One of the main things that scares people about us trans is our sexuality. I find many trans are not afraid of their sexuality at all. Many of us have been forced to explore it on a level others never, or rarely do. Why are people so uptight about it? It is something we all do, something we all enjoy. There is as many different sexual preferences are there are people. Don't let your sexuality get away from you, don't let your wanting to explore it make you feel like less of a human being. Exploring your sexuality is something none of us should feel uneasy doing, and neither should we be worried about expressing it.

Your own body. Last but not least. I just mentioned how important your physical health is, but besides that, learn to love your own body. Horrible self image is rampant in our society.You can blame an incredible amount of sources that want nothing good to happen to you as long as you are giving them money. Ultimately the choice is yours. Embrace your body, YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL. Hand in hand with embracing your body, take charge of it. Don't sit around complaining you are fat, or too thin, or not strong enough or whatever. Human beings have a near freakish ability to change our physical self, see the self you want and grasp it. Don't let complacency destroy your body. Don't let the idea that your body is nothing more then a vessel take precedence over your body being your temple. Worship it, love it, make it a place of comfort. It is after all, where you have to live your entire life.

I feel like there are few things in life as important as these things I have written about today. Like I said, I also feel like most people ignore them, or easily forget them because life is too hectic. No one makes life hectic more then yourself. Also, society has all but put a stigma on making people feel like these things should not be what's on our minds, what we would give up anything for. What is the point of living "large" when you have forgotten the basics? Stop for a moment and take a look around. Don't be afraid to admit you have forgotten about any or all of these things and do something about it. Maybe you have a child you should spend more time with. Maybe you have a friend you call whenever you need something that you should call to just say hello. Maybe you were depressed five years ago, and are not now, and you can recognize that and hold it close. Don't let things that are important in your life become forgotten about for no other reason then you have had them for so long.

Trust me, you could lose it in a flash.

High Ho

So, as I said in my last post, I've started to work again, finally. It took me way too long to get a job, and not having one was really having a detrimental effect on me. Many of the negative feelings I've been having over the last few months have come from not having the freedom that having a job and money gives you. Personally, I find it difficult to feel like an individual when I need to go to someone else and basically ask permission to be able to do anything by having to ask them for money, or to pay for something for me. Even worse when that something is completely not for the person I'm asking. For example, I've been terrified I wouldn't get a job before my make-up ran out. Also, every time I've gone grocery shopping with my roommates I've felt like a child asking mom to get something for me when asking my roommates to pick up something they wouldn't normally pick up. It's a hard way to live, standing in the grocery store crying because you feel like you're a burden on every single person in your life. For some reason I doubt I'll never be in this position again, but there is little else I can think of that I don't want in my life anymore, or ever again.

That being said, here I am now only a week in to my new job and it's slowly starting to have the desired effect on me. I've needed a job for and unbelievable amount of reasons. Money, yes, but not just money to have money. It's the freedom that comes with it. Soon enough (assuming something drastic doesn't happen) I will be able to live as my own person. This is something I have never done, don't forget. Never mind I've had jobs and money to go with it in the past, that actually doesn't count. Rebecca, *I*, have never had money. *I* have never been able to live as I have wanted to. Even simply getting up in the morning and deciding I want to go to the mall that day and buy something, be it a game, or clothes, or make-up, dinner, hell even a cup of tea isn't something I've felt, or been able to do, comfortably. This part of having a job is something I can somewhat foresee, and I'm incredibly excited for, but there is more.

Probably the most immediate effect it is having is being around people. More specifically, people who don't know my past. This is something else I've been looking forward too, another reason I needed a job. I've never had a job before where people treat me like I'm female. I was so nervous on my first day, just waiting for someone to "out" me to the rest of the staff. That someone most likely being me. I've caught myself several times talking a little low for a girl but thankfully it's a bit noisy in the kitchen so I think people barely notice. 

What has happened instead I have few words to describe the feeling. It truly dawned on me today while at work. Without getting into the inner workings of a kitchen too much, usually everyone has a "station" they are taking care of. If something gets ordered that's made on your station then it's usually up to you to do it. Now, that's particularly set in place for when it's busy, otherwise it would be total madness, so when it's slow, it tends to be somewhat flexible. This time, when what I'm talking about happened, it was slow. I was away from my station doing some prep work and heard an order come in. I finished doing what was in my hand and looked over to see I had something up on my station and the kitchen manager had it started already. I went to him, watched for a smidge and asked, "Do you have this, or will I take over?" to which I received a "Yep, I got this Ma'am." I just said, "okie doke" (apparently my new catchphrase) and walked away, over to my prep. I was there for about, I dunno, a minute and thought...

Hey wait a sec.... "Ma'am"?

It was then I really started to comprehend how many times I've been referred to as girl, ma'am, missus, darling, sweetie, etc. etc. I'm being treated like a woman, not even like a girl, but a woman. The feeling that created is difficult to explain. I smiled, of course, and felt good. It was almost like a weight lifted off my shoulders. I'm not hiding any more and on top of that I don't need to be afraid of not hiding. At least, that's how it feels. I think this is another feeling I can't explain to any cis-gender readers I may have. Something I've been hiding away from everyone for years, something core about being *me*, is now just out in the open for friends, family, and strangers to see. All of the fear that comes with that is, dear I say, unnecessary. I can hardly fathom it.

Besides the pronouns and cute names, people treat me differently then before. Let me put an end to any sort of debate right now, men and women get treated differently in the work place, absolutely. I've experienced both, and there is no debate to be had, especially by men. Men do things for me I'm perfectly capable of doing myself. I can simply ask where something is, and instead of being told where it is (which I'd prefer, actually, then I can find it myself next time) someone will get it for me. I've yet to change a garbage bin, or even need to try to lift something heavy. Today, for example, I looked at a large pot of water and thought, "nope, can't lift that." I just said to a guy next to me that I don't think I can lift his pot of water and he did it for me, no questions. I'm given the "right of way" almost every time I cross paths with a man, and almost always with an "excuse me." or "sorry". I'm on the receiving end of unsolicited kindness quite often as well. People doing parts of my job "just cause" when before there was no chance because "whatever"

The way women treat me is different too. There's an older lady that I can't say talks down to me, but she does talk to me like I don't quite know what's going on, with a little too much praise. Besides that though, she treats me just like a human being. The younger girls are... funny from my perspective. They are all so much more interested in talking to me, so much less sexually threatened it's obvious. Honestly, the kitchen staff is mostly male, so I have little comparison as of right now with females.

Another thing I thought cute was when I was done my shift I went to the bar to wait for my ride. I was just drinking some water and a guy sitting half close came over to get a toothpick from a bunch of them sitting near by. He by no means crossed in my way, in fact if he didn't say anything I probably wouldn't have even noticed he was there, but yet he said " excuse me". Something else that struck me as slightly different treatment.

These are feelings and treatments that a year ago I never would have thought would happen to me. It didn't matter how much I wanted them, I thought people would never see who I really was, never treat me how I felt I should be treated. The descriptive words totally escape me, probably mostly because the reality of being treated this way hasn't completely sunk in yet. I see it all happening now, but it really hasn't dawned on me yet. The reason for that is because it seems too good to be true, I think. How is this happening now, after all this time? After spending my life afraid, defensive and angry, I can now be cute, and relaxed, it's surreal.

Starting Over

So here I am again. I'd apologize for taking so much time off, but I'm about to explain it. I don't want to get into any detail out of respect but what has finally happened is I no longer have the family I once had. Myself and my partner have parted ways. I always worried, and often talked about this happening, but I never thought it would, never.

I guess for my first post back in a while I'll talk about what changes and results have happened from this.

Probably the biggest impact has been my depression and general mood. I've certainly become more depressed, I think I've had one happy day since. I had a hard time making myself believe I could be meaningful to someone when I had a family, now I'm almost certain I won't be to anyone. Who will find me attractive? Cis men will almost certainly not be interested once they know what's between my legs. Cis women are unlikely to even be attracted to me in the first place. Cis gay men and lesbians would most likely become uninterested for the inverse reasons. I can say from my own feelings that a trans man or woman isn't looking for someone like myself either, some would be, perhaps. That doesn't leave many "fish in my sea". I know there are plenty of people out there that are attracted to trans-women, but it's almost always on a fetish level. Which brings me to another point, who wants to start a relationship with someone who they can't start a family with, especially at my age?

I actually find myself combating these feelings by thinking "Ok, that just means I need to come to terms with being alone for the rest of my life.". That thought helps until it starts to sink in how utterly depressing that is in and of its self.

I am all but surrounded by friends now. I live with one of the "League" I wrote about before and his partner, and they have people around often. I also go out more with people from the trans community, and have been invited to go out with co-workers (another post I'll get to, I just started) but haven't from lack of time and money. You would think this would be great, and at the start of my break-up it was exactly what I needed, especially my new roommates. Now that I've been here a while, and made a few appearances at trans related parties and gatherings I'm starting to see my place again. The trans community here is very young, and it makes me feel awkward (a feeling I'm not super used to) while I'm around them. Thirty-five isn't old by any means, but when I'm the oldest one at a party, and I'm obviously there just to connect to someone, anyone, it makes me feel creepy. These people understand what I'm going through, but I'm too old to have much of a connection. They are involved in plenty of things that my age makes me either not allowed, or painfully inappropriate. And really, what does a thirty-five year old cook have in common with twenty-something year old university students?

My cis friends are great people, but none of them are even close to the emotional turmoil I am in. I feel much like a separate entity then the rest of them, and they have no idea what I'm going through. I often get the "Welcome to being a woman." type answers from them that are painfully ignorant and it makes me see how alone I am, even when surrounded by them. I've gotten answers like "I know what you're going through, I used to live with a lesbian." from best friends. Maybe, former best friends that I'm working on building, is more accurate. Either way, I can't sit down with one of them, people my age, and really let it all out and get understood rather then condescended on. Hell, I can't even tell them the good changes that happen and get any more then a "uhm, that's mundane" sort of attitude back. They don't understand enough to know that my soft skin, or losing muscle mass makes me feel like a million bucks. To them it's just "ok, neat." No one to get excited with me for the little accomplishments, and little accomplishments are all I have.

Something else that kills me is how much I'm relying on other people. I just got a job, I've had three shifts, so I haven't received a paycheck yet. Since leaving my family I've had no money so my roommates have been doing everything for me. I eat their food, I use their shower and grooming supplies, I'm sleeping in a bed belonging to them, I'm typing on a computer desk they own and my clothes are being kept in a dresser of theirs. I don't feel like my own individual at all, I feel like a parasite.

One good thing that has come of this is I am presenting my real gender all the time now, always. I make it a point to wake up and get a shower before my roommates wake up every day. I'm out and putting on my make up before they are out of bed most days. and the few times they woke up before I expected them to, or that I slept in more then I wanted to, I run by them to my room and don't come out until I'm looking presentable. Most times with my shirt or hands covering my face. It's a fair bit of effort, and there are days I curse the fact that I even have to do this, but in the long run it has been good for me.

What this has all done, losing my family, seeing how I really don't seem to fit in with the friends I have and being unbelievably poor, is it has given me a totally new perspective on life. Things I seen as problems before, huge issues, are so ridiculous to me now I don't know why I used to spend energy thinking about them. So many of the problems people talk about just come across as petty to me, I guess they aren't to them. It is hard for me, however, to take their complaints about work, or friends or not being able to buy something in a certain color when I just lost my family, I'm poor and with no one to talk to while going through probably one of the biggest emotional and physical challenges a human can go through, all with no solution in sight.

Not to mention being as suicidal as I have ever been in my life.

I don't know how I managed to make it through the last month without killing myself, but I have so far. I've heard over and over again how transitioning is very hard, but ultimately worth it. All I'm hoping for is I'm going through the very hard now, and the worth it will eventually come. Though my patience is wearing thin while I wait for something good to happen.