Dyeing Lesson

I dyed my hair yesterday. There will be a picture to follow but there is a little bit of a story that goes with it first.

I asked facebook friends if they had any helpful suggestions, since this would be my first time doing this on my own. I dyed my hair many years ago but it was a girlfriends idea and she did it all, I just sat down. I didn't get anything useful from friends but a good friend of mine sent me a message and offered to take me out and help me make a choice. Which was awesome. Shortly after she came to my house and we were off. She suggested we go to Target. One of their large stores opened up here fairly recently and it is still a bit of a novelty. I honestly had no idea where to go.

It was while we were at the store that what I want to talk about really happened. We did some looking around, she looking for things for her daughter, me just looking. We were chatting about all sorts of things and from time to time I either asked her for or received from her random helpful tips. It was when I asked about my concealer that I started to see what was going on. The center of the sponge on my concealer always falls apart on me and I was wondering if that was something that just happens or if it was the little bit of stubble left on my face after shaving that was destroying it. She told me it happens, then gave me a little tip. Apparently the liquid from the concealer tends to collect around the edges and you can press it out with your finger.

I realized then that, holy shit, I am a trans-woman learning how to be a woman. Then the whole outing changed. I was a little scared at first, to be honest. I remembered the young person I used to be craving to be doing exactly what I was doing right at that moment. That young person was scared to show it publicly and never did. That fear that always held me back before was starting to summon itself up again and I actually almost started to panic. Before that happened though, I seen what was happening again. Here were two women out shopping, I was in no rush, had no agenda other then getting hair coloring, so I just enjoyed the moment, and a euphoria washed over me. I felt how I was living that craving from so long ago, the fear just being let go, set adrift.

Along with that feeling came some acceptance. I seen the new woman I was, emphasis on "new". I started seeing everything around me differently, particularly the women specific products. Instead of seeing them as a way to hide who I was I started to see them as a part of my journey, part of learning who I am and how I want and need to live now.It was like walking into the most interesting classroom ever.

It always amazes me how the simplest little things can have such an amazing effect on me in this transition. Who would have thought I would bring so much out of a trip to the store to dye my hair? I have known for some time now that I needed to learn more about how to "be a woman" but I had no idea how, I didn't know where to begin at all. I had to experience it in person to see what it was I needed. It felt so good, the calm euphoria, so... cleansing, that made me relax after a long week at work, it was the break I needed. Because of how strong that feeling was, and how much I learned that I have much to learn, and how I can start doing that, I have decided that once a week on my days off I'm going to go out and just shop, maybe pick up something, maybe not, maybe bring someone for advice, maybe ask the store clerk. It is these stereotypical feminine things that I am scared of doing, and are holding me back in my transitioning. It took pushing through that fear to see how much I needed to start doing those things.

Now the picture :)

One Year.

May 17th was the anniversary of my telling the first person ever that I am transgender. I've been meaning to write something here related to it since the 15th but work has taken over my life. I have some free time this morning so I'll get this down now.

While this last year seems to have gone by so very quickly, a lot has happened in that year. Just a little over a year ago now I would have been sitting in the living room fantasizing, worrying and being terrified of the decision I was about to make and the journey I was about to go on. I never would have imagined I would actually be where I am right now. I've been on hormones almost a year. My body, besides a few annoying "bits" is very feminine. I have breasts, a curvy-ish waist, long hair, a feminine ass, and soft, smooth skin. I pass every day, to every one, as a cis-woman. I get flirted with by co-workers, very warm receptions from strangers... I actually feel beautiful.

That's the most wonderful and amazing part of all of this, I feel beautiful. I still have trouble accepting compliments from people and I guess that's not the beauty I'm really talking about. When I look at myself in the mirror, aside from the bad days, I feel so content, so calm about what I'm looking at. Every now and then the reality hits me and I think, "Oh my, look at what I've done." and I can't help but smile. I remember one day at work I went into the washroom to change. On my way in I was talking to someone in the distance and the exchange was funny so when I got to the mirror I was laughing and smiling. My reflection actually made me gasp. I thought "What a pretty girl I am!". I could never had done that before. There was never a point in my life while looking male that I looked in the mirror and thought, "What a handsome man I am.". That day I stood there, smiling at myself, and the more I smiled the more it made me smile. 

Imagine that. I feel wonderful most days now when I look in the mirror, or when I look down at my body, or when I run my hands over my skin. The emotional side of this transition has been just as wonderful. It has been a journey, and honestly not an easy one. The beginning, while taking hormones my emotions were everywhere. I didn't get angry as often as I used to, but how I felt about things, or how quickly I would cry, really just simply emotionally confused was obvious to me. The hormones were creating a lot of changes in my body and how I felt. I am much more comfortable with myself now. I have so many good days now it blows my mind when I stop to think about it. 

I do work a lot, and I do wish I had more experience outside of work. I still find myself enjoying going to the mall just to have people look at me. Not that I'm suggesting everyone is staring at me, but to be around that many people and feel comfortable being out looking as I do is a foreign but exciting feeling for me. I am still not that comfortable interacting with strangers however. I'm still very conscious of giving myself away. I don't want anyone to miss-gender me, it has yet to happen and I don't want to know what it feels like. Well, I guess I don't want to be reminded of what it feels like. I've been miss-gendered for the majority of my life.

I had a lot of worries and fears before I started this a year ago. I couldn't foresee all of the things that were going to happen. I did expect a lot of bad things, and a difficult time of transition. While some of what I have gone through has been emotionally crushing, what I really didn't foresee at all was just how gratifying this whole process would be. How after my first day with makeup and female clothes on things felt better. After a few months on hormones an inner calm started to come over me, how each physical change those hormones did made me ecstatic. How even though nothing in my life made sense before, this transition did. 

As the days go by and I become more comfortable and familiar with my body and emotions, I can finally be who I really am. I am the happiest I have ever been. I don't mean that in the way most people say it, like I graduated or I won an award or something. I mean I have an inner happiness like I have never experienced. Living as a man I was in constant turmoil, always wondering, worrying and being depressed over being a woman. Now living as a woman I don't think about living as a man at all.

I will eventually let go of the walls I have made for myself, eventually allow myself to truly feel like the woman I am. There will come a time when I have the confidence I feel everyone woman has just from being a woman. For now, I like myself. I have never been able to say that about myself before. I like the way I act, the things I say, the way I look, the general overall person I present. I can almost see myself eventually coming together as the woman I want to be. I'm even starting to see me as attractive, which seems unreal to me. I never thought I was attractive before.

There is something I keep thinking to myself. I remember has a child, when I was too young to feel the pressure from the outside world, I was an beautifully happy kid, always cheerful, always considerate, always welcoming of others. Over the years, when my confusion about who I am started to take it's toll all of that happiness went away and all that was left was bitter resentment and anger. I'm starting to believe I'm returning to that cheerful little child I was. My mother used to ask me over the years, "What happened to that happy little boy I used to have?" Well mom, that's the problem, you never had a happy little boy, you had a happy little girl. She's on her way back to say hello again, and she misses everyone, including herself.

The Pillar

There is a person in my life that I want to talk about. He has been a friend of mine the longest of my current friends. I didn't know him in high school like some of the others, but he was there for a great deal of the time in between getting in contact with them again. He is the only friend I have had for the majority of my adult life.

Of all the people I know he knows me best of all. I honestly don't know how he managed to do it. I didn't open up to him any more then I did anyone else in the past. I remember a birthday of mine, I think it was my 30th, though they all string together at this point. He and I went out drinking, and for pizza... honestly the details of the night are rather fuzzy. What I do remember specifically is the present he gave me, a plaster tiger's head on a pedestal. I remember thinking it was the first gift I was given that really said "me", I have a thing for tigers and as far as I know he was the first person to notice, certainly the first to act on it. He had no idea I associated my love for tigers to my feminine side. I let out one of my hardest, loudest laughs ever when he presented me with it. He felt like my only real friend at the time and here he was with a gift that truly meant something to me AND it was attached to my secret that no one knew. The irony of it all couldn't be contained, hence the laugh.

He lives far away now and I rarely see him. In fact I haven't seen him since I started to transition. I told him I was transgender not long after I told my parents, via a text message. Not the best way to tell someone that sort of news. I was worried he wouldn't take it well, but I knew I had no reason to think that way. When I did tell him he changed, instantly. He changed entirely for me. He told me he would still talk to me about video games, something we both have always enjoyed, and since then he hasn't skipped a beat treating me like a woman. He has nicknames for me, calls me cutie, even minorly flirts with me, he treats me like he would any of his female friends. He has been the friend everyone should have, the friend every trans-person needs.

Besides transitioning with me flawlessly he has been my anchor, my shoulder to cry on, my comfort and my confidant on so many occasions I have lost count. There have been days that I don't know if I could have made it through if I wasn't receiving words of encouragement from him.

He worries about me, he has never once said so, but he does. He sends me a text every single day he is able, every one, and asks me how I am doing. He has taken the brunt of my worst days and always manages to snap me back to reality. He treats me with such kindness and caring I honestly don't know how to handle it. I mean that in a good way, I am just not used to being treated like that, and I find myself lost for words and usually only manage to say thank you.

He is also one of the few that sees my low self-esteem through what most people see as unshakable confidence. He tries to help me "see what he sees" and gives me compliments and says things about my character that I don't feel I deserve but he is convinced I do. He reads this blog and I remember one day after writing a particularly depressed post he sent me a message. I can't remember in detail everything he said, and I wish I could but what he said made me cry. I do remember saying they were all things I wished were true of me, that I wished people did see me as. To have someone saying them back to me was more then I could handle. To be so low at the time and suddenly be receiving these unsolicited compliments on my character and personality was a mixture that made my emotions have to pour out of me.

I will never know how to repay this man for everything he has done for me. My first year (almost my anniversary) has been a tumultuous one. I have gained so much, but lost as well. My moods and self-esteem have been sky high and rock bottom. I have been as confused with who I am and how others see me as I ever have been. There have been days that I thought suicide was my only solution and days I felt like I could take on the world. The only constants in my life have been this friend, his friendship and respect for me, and his unwavering faith that I can transition how I want and accomplish anything.

So, dear friend, I hope you see how much you and your friendship means to me. I am not sure if you feel like you have done much for me but to me you have been one of the most important parts of my ongoing successful transition.

Realizing Feelings

I watched a video a few days ago that gave me a new term to consider and it has started to mean a lot to me. It was a video of a young trans-woman talking briefly about her transition and she mentioned the idea of "emotional transition" that has stuck with me. In fact it has been what has been most on my mind since watching it. 

Just like the woman in this video said about herself, my physical transition has been what has been on my mind the most. Making sure I don't get mis-gendered, the changes the hormones have had and are having on my body, making decisions on surgeries and thinking about how I will manage to get them done. The idea of an emotional transition has never crossed my mind, or the truth or necessity of it anyway. The truth is, I never thought it was a part of my transition, or that it could be, or should be. In fact to think that I could or should change emotionally invalidated me, in my mind. Thinking, "shouldn't my feelings really be the only thing I have to cling to, and the rest is what I need to change?"

I am very grateful I watched that video. It has given me a sense of freedom. I no longer have to work within the confines of the person and emotions I used to have, or have now. I can start to become a new, different person that I love and am comfortable being, and being around people.

Who is this person? How do I do this? The physical transition is almost easy compared to this. With this I have no guidelines that I can readily see. All I have to work with is my own self, and to be honest, I haven't been a very good guide for myself in the past.

I have come to one hard fact, I have very serious internalized trans-phobia. It is so deep I don't know where to start thinking about it in order to unpack it all, let alone trying to think of what to write here. I do know I used to think all manner of horrible things about myself that were always related to knowing I was transgender. How many people in my life. and how many times, have I told I am not worthy of their love or affection or kindness. How many people have I let slip away from my life because I would think thoughts like "They don't want to talk to me." How many times have I told myself I am a pervert, a deviant, less then human. So many times I can't remember, all I can say is it has been all of my life, as long as I can possibly remember.

Writing that down speaks the gravity of the truth of it to me. All of my life I have thought these things about myself. Not just thought them, but truly, without a doubt, believed them. Twenty-something years of telling myself I am inadequate, that I am nothing, that I am something that isn't quite human, that doesn't belong with the rest of the world and will never, no, SHOULD never be loved.

If I were to talk to someone, or hear about someone that has felt this way for such a long time my heart would break for them. I would do anything I could to make that person feel better, if for nothing more then a few seconds, because no one deserves to feel that way about themselves... except me. That's how deep my self hatred, as a result of my own trans-phobia, runs.

How do I let this go and start to take pride in the trans-woman I am? To accept I am a part of humanity too. I am not part of the binary world view that is rampant in our society but I am still a person, maybe even a fairly decent person, and my place in this world is no less valid then anyone else's. I need to let go of this desire to be a cis woman. I will never be a cis woman, nothing I can do will ever change that. Instead of seeing that as a flaw, I need to start seeing it as a label of my strength. I am doing something that, to most people, is unfathomable. Imagine, I am drastically changing the body I was born with. I will eventually do so through the use of medication and surgery. The weight of my decision being overshadowed by the intense desire to do so. Whenever I had dissuaded myself in the past to start my transition I never thought "That's not me" or "I don't want that." or "I can't do that to my body.". It was always thoughts like "I'm sick." or "I'm a pervert." or "I can't do that to my parents."

All of those reasons are a result of my internalized trans-phobia. This seems to be the real, or at least beginning, of my emotional transition, learning how to not hate myself. I have, for the first time, accepted the fact (note "fact") that I have internal trans-phobia in a very real way. I have let the opinions of society, family, friends, loved ones, parents, the media shape how I see myself. How I love myself. Their opinions on sexuality, gender and gender roles being in direct conflict with who I was. 

I cannot let this go, I cannot forget about this tomorrow, or next week, or next month. I need to remember the real me is hiding under all of that fear and hatred. This is something that has been done to me, on purpose or not does not matter, and I need to never stop trying to undo it. 

It seems almost like a practice in philosophy to think of myself in this new light. The truth is it is a lesson in psychology. This is real, because it is real it can be fixed and god dammit, I am going to fix this. 

Lyrical Mirror

There are a lot of songs that affect me in different ways. I guess that is sort of obvious considering how much music means to me. I have songs that are a part of my soul, like "Lateralus", songs that remind me of people, that remind me of different points in my life and that remind me of different emotions or sway them one way or another.

There is one song that, while it isn't amazing, it just had the right combination of lyrics and timing that has made it a song that hits me, makes me pause or cry or some effect every time I hear it.

The song "Drops of Jupiter" is roughly about a girl heading out into life to find out who she is. This song came out when I was making my decision to go to Atlanta, right at the moment that the truth of who I am was becoming overwhelmingly obvious to me, like a drum pounding in my chest, reaching a loudness that demanded I do something about it. It was a song that you couldn't get away from. If you turned on a radio it was playing, bars and clubs played it, video stores, game rooms, everywhere. I heard it most while at work, a gas station where I worked overnights and had nothing but time to think.

I used to, and still do, feel like that song is about me. How I associate the lyrics to me is difficult to explain so I'll try to explain my thoughts and emotions of how I interpret them. It seems like the girl in the song had to, from her own need, go away like she did, she came back understanding herself and the world around her much more. Also it seems the writer of the song understands why she left, sees the new person she has become and finds her even more beautiful for it. I imagine it isn't hard to figure out what I was feeling from the song with it explained like this. I seen it as my theme music, the anthem leading me into the journey I was about to go on.

What killed me the most back then, what made that song stick with me and why it makes me cry now is this. I remember I was the only one of my friends that liked that song, I was the only one with the interpretation that I had, I remembered getting teased about liking it, like guys do to their guy friends. What no one else knew, and what I was the only one that did know, what attached me to this song, was that I knew I was a girl. I knew this song was being sung to my heart, a part of me that I shared with no one else. I couldn't explain it to anyone, how I felt about the song, because I was afraid of explaining myself at the same time. So I hid my enjoyment of this song like I hid myself, making it even more my anthem. I wish people could have seen me as the girl in this song, I wished they would understand why I just picked up and left to Atlanta without a word, or a care for anyone's feelings.

I wanted so badly for someone in my life to be the author of that song, to sing it to me with a tear in their eye and understanding in their heart. Instead, all I got was quiet reflective enjoyment alone with this song, mirroring my feelings at the time and for so long after.

When I listen to this song now it causes two reactions. I summon the feelings of the lost, alone, young trans girl. I wonder how she managed to survive and in turn I marvel at her courage. If only I had the knowledge to go with that courage, perhaps then I wouldn't have eventually become so scared of myself that that courage wouldn't have faded.

I must admit, I very deeply desire that someone in my life now looks at me and sees me as the solid, centered, well rounded woman that is described in this song, though I doubt people do. In a materialistic world like ours, with money, Ph.D's and their trappings being the center of importance, there isn't much notice given to the intangible. I don't have much in life, my greatest achievement is a broad, worldly acceptance and understanding of the world and people around me. The result of trying to find myself in as many experiences as possible and available to me.

A short one because this is becoming very emotional for me.

Lessons

So it has been a lot longer then I intended since I last wrote something here. The main reason is a serious lack of time. Between the bus and work my work days are 12-14 hours long, plus taking care of the random things in life, plus the occasional socializing leaves me with little down time. I actually purposefully didn't go out tonight just to write in this.

Also, I haven't been sure what to write about. This last month has had less good days then bad and I didn't want to write something else excessively negative. What I have decided to write about is what I have learned about myself this last month.

Where to start?

My therapist has diagnosed me with dysthymia, basically an on going, less acute form of depression. For me it has lasted years and as is typical for dysthymia I feel like these down, depressive days are just a part of life. Dealing with this diagnosis has been a large part of why the last month has been difficult. I see it now every time it happens and how powerless I am to stop it. I find myself thinking, "This is just this 'thing', snap out of it and have a good day." but my mind always has other plans. Now that I see the divide between the good and bad times so acutely now I find myself wanting to be rid of the bad days. It never occurred to me that I could be happy the majority of the time, and seeing myself slipping into depression makes me angry at myself, and then more depressed because it is something I shouldn't be like, but have little control over... like I need more of that in my life. So because of this, I'm planning on going on antidepressants. Apparently it is all but part of the regular regiment of treatment for transgender people. The thinking being more or less, "They have enough to deal with, let's help them be happy.". To have more happy days then sad or depressed days seems like a dream to me, it honestly doesn't seem like a possibility, or a reality that exists. I'm interested in seeing what happens.

I had thought transitioning would rid me of this depression, so the last month or so that I have started to have more bad days it started to bother me deeply, it started casting doubt. I would think if making the decision to transition was the correct one to make then shouldn't I be getting happier? Yet something else that has made my last month difficult, the ceaseless doubt. It seems whenever I rid myself of a source of doubt, a new one appears. I have come to realize I am impatient with my transition. I want it all to happen NOW, and it simply will not happen that way. When it is all said and done I very well may be rid of the depression, but I am a year in now, almost exactly. This is a process that takes many years. I am finding the waiting to be very very hard on me.

Another significant thing that happened this past month is I went on a date, with a man. It was completely random in how it came to happen, I was asked out for pool and drinks by a stranger. I went, despite my fear, and had a wonderful time. I learned quite a lot about myself, like how I do like the attentions of men. I feel like a virgin teen realizing that for the first time. I enjoyed having a man obviously pursue me, show interest in me, trying to get to know me, giving me compliments. It gave me validation as a woman. He made a lot of observations about me that my therapist has, my intelligence, my knowledge, my ability to do anything. Ultimately, I believe, it intimidated him too much and it has caused him to cancel on me for two dates now. Well cancel isn't the correct term, he didn't contact me at all on those given days. He mentioned these things far too often for it not to be a factor of some kind, and it doesn't seem to be one of attraction.

I wanted those other dates though. I bought myself a new blouse for the reason of him seeing me in it, prepared myself for the night, even. This is also something I have learned about myself. It was after the fact, after these two dates didn't happen and I was thinking back that I realized what I had done. The initial  date was attractive enough to me that I now know I want to try again. So, I have made a profile on a dating site. I have had quite a bit of interest sent my way, but I didn't realize it was a full pay site, meaning I can't even respond to them until I pay, with a credit card, which I don't have. Apparently I want this bad enough that I applied for a credit card last week, something I didn't really see myself doing in the future, credit cards scare me.

Dating means something very different to me now then it used to. Now I feel more comfortable in myself, more natural in the situation. I feel like I'm playing the proper role as the one being pursued, rather then the initiator of the interaction. Also, I'm looking for someone to fit me rather then someone I fit. I feel less inclined to sacrifice parts of me just to make a date go well, or to spark interest. I guess it is partially to do with the new things I have to be cautious about. Having to worry about someone finding out what is between my legs is a new concern for me, so I need to find someone I can be comfortable with and trust, and eventually be able to share this part of me without too much retribution. It has left me with little need to hold back who I am in other areas though. I am who I am, in many ways I am an intimidating person, from what I hear, but I have no need to be worried about scaring away people with my personality, if they don't make it past that then I have zero interest in telling them the things I'm almost certain will scare them away.

Anyway. Another thing I have started to become comfortable with is my own style. I'm slowly starting to see what I like to wear, and what I like other people to see me in. I'm starting to come to terms with how I show myself is how people perceive me and I'm starting to piece together how it is I want to be perceived. I bought two new blouses over the last few weeks and I can see the difference between what I bought and what I had before. What I had before either being bought for me, or given to me and worn out of necessity, I didn't have anything else. What I buy for myself is my own style, something I never really felt like I had, or even felt the need or desire to have. It has made me more comfortable in places like work. Now that I have a minor selection I can choose between work clothes, casual clothes, and "going out" clothes. I find almost any time I leave the house, not for work, I wear the nicer clothing I have, rather then just "something.". Knowing I have a style outside of work makes me less self conscious about what I wear to work. I don't really care much if people see me in the same shirt 2 out of the five days I work because those are my "work clothes.". I guess all of that may sound simple, mundane even, but it is a big step in my personal development.

Speaking of work that is something else I have learned about myself. I really no longer want to be in a kitchen, at least not in a restaurant setting, or catering or... well I guess not a commercial kitchen at all. I don't like the way I am treated, the things expected of me and the serious lack of individuality. The latter being the biggest issue. I thought I would be ok with being a "drone" at work and expressing myself outside of work. I've come to realize this situation is no good for me now. I spend far too much time at work and it is seriously affecting my ability to learn who I am. It is impossible for this new me to learn who I am when I'm spending 10 hours a day in the same uniform as everyone else, with my hair hidden, my nails having to conform to standards... nothing but our faces are different. Also in this environment I need to be loud and fast, a personality I find myself not enjoying anymore. I am good at it, fantastic even, one of the best new cooks I know, but I no longer belong in kitchens, and that is really that.

I haven't seen much change in my body in the last month. In fact, I seem to look mostly the same sine all of the big changes happened several months ago. This is one of the biggest things taking its toll on my mood the last month I feel like I have been staring at the same half breed every morning for the last month or more. I know not everyone wakes up loving themselves but the daily battle is becoming exhausting. Every morning I get out of bed, get a shower, dry myself off, comb my hair straight and away from my face, then put on my glasses to shave. First though I spend a varying amount of time trying to be happy with what I see in the mirror. My face is a total lost cause. After my shower, make-up gone and facial hair at its longest, I can hardly look at myself in the face. Occasionally I can glance by it and see my hair and feel ok. My hair being almost shoulder length now. But almost always I stare at my face and HATE it. Then I look down over my body and my breasts are not very feminine, at least they don't look that way on my male chest. While I have more ass then I used to, I had no ass to begin with, and I think it still looks masculine. I do have the slightest hit of a waist, and that is almost always what I end up focusing on. I'm not sure how much I can explain how unconscious this is every morning. It is a mix of emotions until my eyes land on a spot that makes me sigh and feel like everything isn't so bad. Some days all I can manage is swearing into the air and picking up my shaving cream just to get on with my day. Then occasionally what happens is the worst thing in my day. I'll start brushing my teeth, causing me to shake a little, or I'll lean in while shaving, and my penis will touch the bathroom counter and my heart just sinks.

Speaking of my penis, I have been waiting a week now for my application to CAMH to arrive in the mail. Apparently your doctor needs to contact them and then they send the application to you. Once you send it back your two year waiting period starts. I have been looking forward to this application with such impatience, and the feeling I get from those moments in the bathroom I just mentioned, it making me have very little doubt about this decision. I would do it tomorrow if possible, fuck that, I would do it myself if possible.

Well, it's getting late and time is catching up to me again. I have come up with a way to get posts done more often, so hopefully I will be back more regularly. What I am trying to do with all of these things I've written about is learn about me, and take those lessons as the main outcome of it all. My therapist told me something about the mind that I'm very happy she told me. She said, to paraphrase, when you are happy, that is "you" that is who you are, the other negative emotions, sadness, anger, frustration, depression, those are tools to lead you to who you are. Seeing these emotions in this light has helped me a great deal. I get angry, sad and/or frustrated when things aren't working toward my continuing transition. That tells me I should do something about those things to make them not hinder my transition. I am excited, happy, carefree when I'm nothing thinking about those things and I am able to focus on how feminine I have become or, mostly, how feminine I feel inside. That tells me the one thing I cling to like a childhood blanket. I am a girl.