Sweaty Plans

A very close friend of mine that I haven't seen in a while stopped by yesterday, We chatted for a while about all kinds of things, his kid, our family, jobs, my transition, etc. In our talking I mentioned I just joined a gym, that day actually. I told him about the facilities there and that I'm excited to get back into a gym again. I paused for a moment, noticed that he was thinking about something and, guessing what was on his mind I said, "So that's a frontier to push past." to which he responded, "Yeah, some careful planning involved there I imagine."

The moment he said that I seen the reality of what I have been doing. I hadn't noticed how much mental effort I have put into going to the gym for the first time as a trans-woman in the middle of my transition. I'm not even sure I can remember every detail of what has gone through my mind as I try to make myself comfortable with going to the gym, something I really want to do. Before I get into this though, I want to explain something.

I'm sure it is easy for the cis-gender to think "I put a lot of thought to going to the gym as well, what is she complaining about?" Women, for example, may be concerned about if they look good for the gym. Do you put on make up? Maybe just a little? Do my clothes fit, are they flattering? etc. I can tell you with complete certainty, that this isn't the same. How? Because I am thinking these things as well. These are the basic worries and concerns I have. The other concerns go much deeper  for me, and for other trans people.

I'm sure we all think about what to wear. I'm not just thinking about how I look in them, flattering or not, I'm worried about if someone will notice I have a penis. I have a shirt that is long enough to go over it, I think, but I'm not sure. I may use my new found courage to just "do it" and let fate take over, which is probably what will happen. But it has been on my mind for days, in fact it has been what has  kept me from going for a good while now.

I'd like to go with no make-up and put it on after I'm done but that isn't an option. So I have been thinking about what to do, how much or how little to put on. Also, they have a pool, I would love to go swimming but that would remove any efforts with makeup and show everyone the beard shadow underneath it all.

That's all only about how I will present myself. There is also the change room. How do I make sure no one sees what I don't want them to see? I guess it will come down to me getting changed in a stall or something, and I certainly won't be getting a shower there, maybe on the days I go swimming, if I figure out something for that. What will I do, and what will happen, when or if someone finds out? What if that someone says something to the gym, what will their policy be?

I am trying to figure out a way to get from the pool to the change room with as little exposure as possible. My plan is to go to the gym, lifting weights or at the machines or something for a while to feel the place out and come up with a plan. So I'm planning on making a further plan just so I can do something I enjoy and most people just "do".

I shouldn't have these concerns. I should live in a society that doesn't care if a trans-woman is getting changed in the women's change room or wants to go for a swim. No cis-woman is thinking "Oh, what if someone find out I have a vagina? Will I get kicked, or ridiculed, out of the gym?" A part of me hopes a scene does happen. That's the advocate side of me that wants to be put in a situation that I have been discriminated against and can show the people the error of their ways and have the moral high ground while doing so.

Besides all of these worries there is a great deal of excitement involved. I am going to the gym! Every time I do something like this, something I want to do and haven't because it has been too far outside my comfort zone, I get excited. I get excited because it is something I want and I am about to get it, but I am also excited because I am doing something outside of my comfort zone. It gives me an example of my progress. It lets me watch it happen.

I never would have thought of going to the gym eight months ago. In fact, I recall talking to my partner at the time and saying I will "never" be able to go to the gym. Swimming was something I assumed I would wait until all surgeries were done before I would see the wet side of a pool. Here I am now trying to figure out a way to make it happen. My emotional and self confidence has been growing quickly lately, I feel like I am riding a wave of self discovery and coming to terms with some key emotions and each one is opening up new doors.

CBC Radio St. John's Interview

I did an interview with CBC Radio, a local radio station Wednesday morning and the wonderful people there gave me a copy of it. So I thought I would share it with you all. Oh and i had to turn it into a movie to upload it to blogger. So excuse my staring at you.

Sorry about such a verbally lame post, my keyboard is broken.

Sex and Lies

I am sorry it has been so long, again, since I wrote something here. I can't really say it has been because I am busy, while that is true, I have still be writing a lot. What I have been writing however has been deeply personal. Unfiltered, inner thoughts that I haven't been able to translate to writing here. "Diary writing" as opposed to "blog writing", as I have been calling it myself.

What I will talk about here today is what I have been writing to myself about. I'll just leave out some of the details. There have been a few things constantly on my mind lately, sex and how I behave. 

I've been focusing on how feminine I am not being. At work I am loud, giving orders and sarcastic, to name a few things. These are all traits I feel come from pretending to be a man for so long. My sarcasm being, to me, the most interesting of them all. People never seen what I was doing with my sarcasm but it let me hide myself in plain sight. I said so much "just to be funny" or in a sarcastic way that no one knew when I was serious. I have flat out said to people before that I would love to be a girl, but the tone of the conversation and my voice made it so that the person I was talking to would not have taken me seriously. They never would have had the idea that that particular time I was being honest. 

To be fair, I rarely felt I was being honest because I know what I felt wasn't actually getting relayed to my listener. I had a hard time lying, so I made up a way in which I could say whatever I wanted and never worry about someone seeing the truth. Eventually it made it easier for me to lie. It clearly didn't matter to people what I was saying, by my own design of course, so I ended up being a master at keeping the truth from people. So good, I could tell you the truth and you would think it wasn't. It would just be me being "silly" or whatever people thought. I can't remember any of those honest remarks I have said in detail right now, but I can tell you I have said so much to someone at one point or another. My love for lingerie, my desire to be a girl, my suicidal tendencies, my feminine emotions, just about all of it. 

I cultivated this from a fairly young age. I'm sure if you were to ask my parents they would tell you I have been this sarcastic since I was a teenager. I vaguely remember both of my parents saying something to me about how sarcastic I had become. I always tried to keep a balance though. I didn't quite realize what I was doing when I was younger but eventually I learned that I needed to back up what I meant to say with action and emotion. Again, I created a person that said what I wanted. One of the things I wanted to say to people were compliments. I always craved them, but received very, very few of them when I was younger. Well I guess few of the sort that I wanted to hear. I remember at one point I actually made the conscious decision that I would tell people the nice things I thought about them because I would have liked to hear them if I were that person. I learned through that, that I had to back up what I was saying with a certain seriousness that was clearly honest, but not committal. I think that part of it worked, I think people took me serious when I wanted them to. I just never said those things that I hid most in that serious way.. until a little over a year ago.

I guess I got off topic there a little. What my sarcasm did do was let me leak out those little things I wanted to tell people I knew and felt about myself that I didn't want to let people know. It was cathartic in its very limited way. 

I have realized a few things about the way I am. First of all, my personality outside of the work place is actually quite feminine. Of course I let that go a little around people I know very well and am comfortable with. Even with these people, I am not as rough around the edges as I once was. I have been focusing on how little my femininity comes out because I spend so much time at work that is all I was thinking about. My work place, and my role in it, more or less demands that I take charge, I am loud, and I joke around and be sarcastic with the other employees there.

Outside of that environment I am a different person, I am actually much closer to the person I want people to see this new me as. I am more quiet, less sarcastic, honest, I've been called demure. My voice is happier and higher, my movements are more feminine and graceful, less forceful. It has actually taken me some time to see the two different people I am, and to come to terms with the fact that I have a "work mode" that I basically need to ignore when it comes to my personality. Once I done that, I really started to come to accept my femininity much more, I became more comfortable and confident in who I was being to the world now. I feel more like I present to people, and am seen by them, as the person I want to. Honestly, it has given me a fair amount of peace of mind. I was starting to tear away at myself for not being the feminine person I felt I was, and should be at this point in my transition.

Now the second thing on my mind, sex. I wrote a post not too long ago about how I feel like I am asexual. A part of me still thinks that is possible... however. 

Lately I have begun to have feelings like I used to have. To be blunt, I've been horny. It doesn't hit me any more like it used to, which totally makes sense given the hormonal changes in my body. It has created desire though. What finally did it was one day while playing some playstation I looked down at my arm, (Random as hell, I know) and suddenly I looked at myself as the woman I have become. I wasn't just seeing a shell I was occupying, I was seeing the body I wanted to live in, the body I felt comfortable in. With that came the desire to feel again, to touch and be touched. I started to imagine what it would feel like to have a man (yeah yeah.. specifically a man) feel desire to touch me. I looked down at my breast and consciously thought "what if I look at these like someone may actually be attracted to them?", like someone would want to see me naked and then put their hands on them... dare I say, suck on them, be lustful for me. I aroused myself like I haven't been in a long, long time. Emotionally I still feel like no one will ever feel that way about me. Intellectually I know I will never feel like that if I never give someone the chance to show me they do feel that way about me. 

I find myself being "horny" now, like I mentioned, because of that night and that little mental and physical experiment, but (yes, there is always a but)  I still have no idea what I want, and more importantly, I am terrified to be sexual with anyone, male, female, trans, it doesn't matter. I can't imagine being like that with someone. 

But I CRAVE it, god dammit. There was a part of me that was always extremely aroused by the idea of having sex as a woman, and quite frankly, I can sit in a room listening to someone read a dictionary and manage to turn myself on by fantasizing about it even now. I can fantasize about being with a man or a woman and turn myself on. What I can't do is imagine the reality. Once I let reality seep in I become afraid again. As usual, I am in a battle with myself. Part of me deeply wants to have this experience. That part of me sees someone who is very sexual, and sensual. A good lover, enjoying myself as much as I always imagined. Being, how do I say this.. indiscriminate of my lovers because sex is beautiful and so are people. 

But I'm scared, I'm so damn scared I don't know what to do with myself. I'm the kind of scared that makes me think "Oh well, I don't actually HAVE to have sex in my life anymore.". I could just die a, more or less, virgin. 

To go along with the fear is a realization of my hatred toward certain parts of my body. Specifically my genitalia. I think about being with someone, and when it gets to the point of revealing my lower half, I get half disgusted with myself. Also, it completely throws off my confidence to be with someone. I can't imagine how much I would ruin the mood with a "btw, I'm a girl but I have a penis." uggh...

Hmm, I actually find myself not even wanting to talk about that anymore.

So, people, that is where I have been lately. I carry a little booklet around with me all of the time and I am filling them almost faster then I can keep up with getting more. Ever since those fateful two days several weeks ago my thinking and writing have become far more honest and inward. I find I am somewhat addicted to it. I write something at least once a day, and it comes from my thoughts straight to paper through my pen. 

Just so you are all sure, I have not given up on this blog. I will always come back to this and write something eventually. I may take longer between posts from time to time, but unless I say otherwise, I will be back again.

Take care.