It has been a while since I wrote something last (again) and I feel sort of bad about it. I've been busy, sure, but I've also been taking time to learn who I am now and to start living my life as I want to rather than how I think I "should". I do have a fair amount of good news to share, however.
First of all, I have gotten a promotion at work to assistant kitchen manager. Not too shabby for a trans-woman, I think. Honestly, it seems insignificant in the grand scheme of the world but at the same time it is an accomplishment and one I think other trans-women should see, for the same reason it makes my therapist happy. I am a new-ish trans-woman who is now flourishing in the workforce. It is nice to see that we can accomplish things just like anyone else. Also it shows how "settled" in to myself I have gotten.
That's really all I wanted to say about that. What I really want to talk about is me, my body and emotional state.
The most significant change that has happened in a fairly long time has been my breasts. Which, I must say, is about damn time. I've had a small "A" for months now and besides that they have been "pre-teen" breasts. Not shaped quite like a breast normally is and my nipples have always been hard and sore. So sore I could barely touch them without wincing. In fact, I avoided touching them as much as possible, I didn't really like them. Apparently, according to my therapist, that is typical of young girls, many of them being fairly unhappy with their breasts when they first start to develop. Oh, and by "hard nipples' I don't mean just the tip of them, like I've been cold for the last few months. I mean the base of the nipple, just under the areola used to feel like I had a stack of quarters there. Also, the areola and nipple has always been tight and "puckered" for a lack of better words.
All of that has changed. The hardness totally gone, along with the soreness. My entire nipple and breast all feel the same, there is no distinction between where my breast stops and my areola starts other then the color, and they are very, very soft. I have even filled out a little more. I am a full "A" now and maybe even approaching a "B" in the near future.
The crazy thing about it is it all just happened one day, literally. I woke up Friday morning and went to work with the same "blah tits" I've had for a while now. Later that night when getting ready for bed was when I noticed they looked and felt completely different. I was off Saturday and I spent most of the morning with no shirt or bra on looking at and touching my breasts, the change was so fast and dramatic I was bewildered.
What an impact this has had. Honestly, it is the most significant change I have had in the last several months. I went from seriously disliking my breasts to utterly loving them. I feel like I have "real" breasts now, they even make me feel more like a woman. They turn me on, fantasizing about having someone enjoying them turns me on now too, rather than giving me a feeling of disappointment. I am suddenly proud of them, excited by them even. So much so that I went out that Saturday and bought my first two pairs of push-up bras. I never really liked the idea of a push-up bra, feeling fake, like I was trying to make them look bigger. Now I feel totally different about it, now it is to present them for everyone to see.
The emotional breakthrough this has created has affected my entire being. I am far more comfortable with my entire body now, I feel like a complete woman. The feeling of congruence has even reduced my doubt by a great deal. Honestly, the great impact it has had has been such a subtle change in my perspective and thinking that it is hard to explain. Having just my breasts change to what they are now has given me confidence in my entire body. Not just confidence, everything just feels "right" now. My body is mine now, and it is a woman's body, two things my mind has had a hard time accepting.
I think I have spelled out the majority of emotional changes I have gone through as well. I spent a lot of my life thinking "I am a man, I don't want to be, but that's the body I have.". That eventually changed to "I am nothing, an it. Neither man or woman.", having no concrete thoughts to attach my feelings to. I felt this way for a long time, before transitioning. Transitioning, up to now, has actually made that feeling stronger, all I seen was this body somewhere between man and woman. Very recently my thoughts have turned to "I am a woman in a woman's body and I feel complete."
What a strange feeling it is to feel this way now. I rarely question myself anymore. In my minds eye I am a beautiful woman, period. My transition now feels real, like something I can count on, attach myself to. I haven't let myself feel that about anything or anyone for countless years. My transition has always been the most important thing in my life but now it has become more that that. It has become nurturing, my security blanket. It is the one thing in my life I feel any control over, like I can call it "mine". Best of all, I now feel like it has been a success and will continue to be a success. It is the one thing in my life that I know is there for me and only me. I feel calm knowing it is in my life.
Everything has fallen into place.
I wish I could crack open my head and heart and let you feel what I am feeling. There is no way those words I have just written have done a complete enough job explaining how I feel now. I am not sure if this has all come from my breast development or if my entire body has changed as well. It seems like it could have been my entire body, just punctuated by my breasts. Either way my entire body and mind feels better, feels more complete. AND most powerful of all, my mind and body feel congruent with each other for the first time in my life.
That is no small thing. Only the transgender can truly understand what I mean when I say that. To anyone else it is just a bunch of words. So I'm going to say it again, for the first time in my life (36 years old here) my feelings, mind and body feel as one. I didn't know people could feel like this.
It's beautiful.
