Solidarity

Alright, one thing that has been keeping me from writing is I find myself wanting to talk off topic from what this blog has been about. That being said, many of the opinions or topics I want to write about come directly from being transgender in one way or another. I'm also not sure what my point is, I just wanna put this out there I guess.

As I just suggested, and have said before, being transgender has shaped much of who I am. I think it is impossible to imagine it otherwise. It has brought me a lot of depression, half of a life time of survival mentality, lost opportunities, friendships, etc. Most of which I have written about.

 I have mentioned some of the good things it has brought me, confidence and a better understanding of myself (or at least a heightened desire to understand myself).

Those things are more personal, more about me, and things that I can say with some certainty because I am the only master of that topic. There are things though that are not so personal. Being transgender has heavily influenced how I see the world, how could it not? The fact that I'm a hermit is pretty much entirely to do with being transgender.

It has brought me a point of view that I feel like is worth sharing, especially with the world being as crazy as it currently is. The one sentence description is; It has made me see how we are all the same.

Being transgender made me feel like I was outside of everyone else. The world was divided into two groups, everyone that wasn't me, and me. They all felt, thought, acted, believed, one way, and I did mine. At first, it made me arrogant, then it made me sad, and then it made me detach myself from the world and recoil into my mind. One thing it did along the way was let me start to observe people in a less critical way. Don't ask how my mind came up with these conclusions but let me try to explain the steps.

 After getting over my depression, and one of the ways how I did get over it, I started to see how I may feel very different from everyone else, but I'm still a good person. I had evidence of this, I may have had the desires and feelings I did but I also didn't want to hurt people. I didn't think people should hurt others, I was empathic and sympathetic, and the way I felt when I seen wrong happening seemed to resonate with how others around me felt about it. This is the part that I'm not sure how my brain went there, I flipped this around and started to assume others felt the same way. Everyone had their problems, worries, etc and that may make them seem one way but ultimately they are only doing the best they can as they know how.

Armed with that hypothesis, for lack of better terms, I started to watch people and get to know their true selves. It turned me into, what I think anyway, a great communicator, especially in person. I think the people that like me, actually like this part of me when you boil it down. I only have "real" conversations. When I get into your car you know I won't be talking to you about whatever is going on on "Jersey Shore" (that is a tv show right?). More importantly what people feel is a total lack of judgement. And if I express a judgement it almost always come with a litany of how I may be wrong.

Honestly I felt like someone stepping away from a particularly oppressive religion and into the real world. Sure you're amazed at all the new amazing things at first but eventually you look back, and you can't help but feel sorry about just how much everyone is missing. In much the same way I feel like I am seeing what everyone is missing. What that is, is we are all the same.

Let me tell you something about us, humans. Every one of us is scared, and so we should be. Everyone's life is a constant struggle, that is what life is. At any given moment, something could happen that either totally changes your life or at worst, ends it. It's a scary world out there, and it's not that forgiving. Everything from going to work to picking up groceries to politics is an attempt to lessen the harshness of that world.

People don't see it that way though, and it's sad. It is the thing they are missing, they see others attempts at getting through life as somehow an attempt at limiting theirs. It doesn't matter if it is a young woman doing porn for money or Isis fighting for what they believe in, we are all fundamentally doing the same thing. If people could only realize that everyone is in the same situation, and have some sympathy that no one has any answers, I think the world could possibly start to stop killing each other.

And not just killing each other, but what about the pointless bickering we all do? Or these stupid fights we have about if a certain group of people can do a certain thing be them legal fights, like gay marriage or social stigma like the bdsm community. The people against the things others do, in my experience, all believe that these people are causing great harm to some "fabric of humanity". What they don't realized is the fabric of humanity is woven with the threads from all walks of life. All experiences are equally valid.

We even bring this to our homes. I have heard from countless men and women who are in a relationship complaining about their partners. Why? They may never break up, or take way too long to do so but all the while they are judging their partner for what they do to get through their life. Which almost always leads to arguments. Co-workers, other drivers on the road, the stranger that uses drugs... you all know what I'm talking about.

Ultimately it comes to an understanding that we would be a better world if we could all either help others with their struggles, or at the very least not impose your idea of the world on those who don't feel the same way. No one has a magic key to life, and even if they did, no one knows where the keyhole is anyway and we'll never find it until we stop yelling and screaming at each other.

So maybe I'm not alone in feeling this way. I'm thinking maybe it's something forced upon all or most transgender people, if you can take the time to think about. Maybe I'm wrong, but if I'm right this is a part of life that the trans community has to offer the rest of the world. Coming from one of the most fringe and stigmatized parts of society it is a powerful thing to look at the world and say "I forgive you. I forgive you because I know you're struggling, so am I." and to teach them this understanding that ironically, society has it's fair share in creating.

Stretching

Things have really changed since I last wrote something. So much so that I don't know where to start, and has been one of the reasons I have been away. Let's start there then. What I have been doing lately is living life more, that's probably my biggest change. I still think all the time but I don't dwell like I used too. As a result, I feel grounded, I feel more like I know where I should be.

All of that together, feeling grounded and more calm while I experience life has.... humbled me, for a lack of a better phrase. I feel now like what I have to say should be left to myself, otherwise I ruffle feathers and I'm also not into that so much anymore either. I've stepped away from the soap-box it seems.

I have even stepped away from the activism. Not only did I stop for ultimately selfish reasons, I did it to be selfish. I'm not sure how I got there, perhaps after enough therapy, but one day it just hit me, I had to drop all of the activism and take care of me. I was in a bit of a hard spot, mostly financially but very much so emotionally. As I did my rounds I got the most unexpected response from each person I apologetically bowed out of mutual plans with. Each one said something of the sort of "Good, I'm glad you're taking care of yourself" calling me either strong or brave for doing as such.

It didn't feel like it then, but now it is on my top 10 list of best things I've done in my life. I have discovered where "base Rebecca" is. By that I mean, reasons aside, I have found what makes me comfortable, what makes me happy or depressed, what it is that makes me pleased with life in general. Also, I have come to terms with some of my limitations, or at least the ones I've noticed.

It is something I never thought I'd find. Peace of mind of who I am. It even feels strange typing that sentence. That is the way to describe it though. Far more often I find myself thinking of ways, or currently in the middle of, just plain ol' enjoying the fuck out of my newly acquainted femininity than I do wallowing in turmoil over who I am, or what I am. I feel like celebrating on a regular basis who I have become.

and I do often ;)

Now for a little humility, who I have become is roughly the equivalent of a well thought teenager. I still don't know shit about shit but at least I'm wise enough to pay attention to what's going on. That being said, that excites me. I have the chance to learn myself again, but this time I get to listen to the real me. It's the part of me that yearns for my teen years to actually be back, in order to live life as a young girl. This is not that, and it's not better than that, but after finding my peace of mind I'm now able to see just how much potential for joy and excitement there is in my time ahead.

I find myself oddly feeling like I have no business writing these posts now though. That is not to say I am finished. It is just that after finding out how little I really know about myself I don't feel like it's my place to throw my opinion at people. Which is why this is going to be so short. I will write more, it's an outlet that I enjoy, I guess I've been attacked by an ebola-like version of writers block.

What has prompted this post is an opportunity I was given. I've been asked to join 3 others in a presentation to what seems likely to be several members of my local government. It started me thinking about things I haven't thought about for quite some time now and that led me here. What I've been thinking about is what to say. If you were given some time to promote the acceptance and wellbeing of transgender people, what would you say? There seems too much that they should hear, but what is it that they got to hear that will finally make this all make sense to them? As of right now, I'm at a loss. I'm afraid our presentation will degenerate to a listing of things trans people legitimately need but will sound like nothing more than another group making demands.

If I figure anything out, I'll let you know.

Well, a short one, getting my typing fingers back.